What We Want and Who We Are


Reading a book called Soulshaping by Jeff Brown the other night, I came upon a sentence: “Never confuse conscious effortlessness with conscious laziness.” Just that sentence brought up a huge amount of questions inside of me. I began to think how do you know what you want if you don’t know who you are? Confusing our “conscious wants” without realizing the “conscious consequences” is a mistake we all make. And out of pure laziness we expect our wants to materialize and fix everything.

It is always difficult to battle with resistance from our human perspective. Our ego’s main job is to make certain that we continue to fight. What we want is not always what completes us. We seem to deviate from our original wants and then blame the universe for not getting what we think we deserve.

When I was a child I said I was going to have ten children. At twenty I had my first son. At twenty-two my second one. A divorce followed shortly after and I couldn’t have any more children. Years later I adopted four orphans from Romania. Would ten children make me a different person from God’s original plan? Of course. My wants versus my needs to be loved unconditionally. That was my egotistical perspective of the more children, the more I would be loved.

Also, as a teenager I wanted to study to be a pediatric cardiologist.  I wanted to “fix” the hearts of children. God’s plans overrode that desire. Then one day, sitting with all six kids watching a movie I realized that I had become a pediatric cardiologist. I got to “fix” these little orphans’ hearts in a way that the Divine intended. Things are never as we plan. Because of this, we are driven to become different from what we wanted. Little did I know that I would end up with a seventh child in my midlife years.

A few years ago I decided to go back to school and get my degree in psychology. I had enough experience in one household with bi-polar disorder, schizophrenia, dissociative identity disorder, learning disabilities, extreme cases of obsessive compulsive disorder, multiple personalities, and an array of other little disorders, not including the few I have carried on my own back.  Add an ex who was the poster boy for narcissism personality disorder and bang….I had my own thesis for a PhD. I wanted to help others. I wanted to hear their stories so I can feel that my life’s purpose was of worth. God’s intention to my wants is still up in the air for me. I am working on this one! Humor has managed to carry me through all these stories and intercepts me with others who are willing to share them with me.

We are responsible for reaching our goals, but most of the time we are afraid of success. We are paralyzed by past traumas and experiences so we stop ourselves. These are the nuts and bolts of living a life in separation versus unity. Our wants can’t be met if we don’t know who we are. We don’t sit long enough to take accounting of our desires. We think that needs are the same as our wants. What we need and what we want are in constant battle with our Spirit. God speaks through our strengths the most compelling way. We spend our lives not feeling the truth of who we are, and not really knowing consciously what we want. Whenever we do come in alignment with our desires and the Divine, we must take a look at the reflection and realize that whatever we manifest is exactly who we are meant to be. The illusion of control, law and science melts because life just is. We learn to see the world as it is, not how our perception creates it from our egotistical wants.

The All of Self


Who I was and who I am

is nothing

of what I will


I cannot change

the things I’ve done,

but I can always

alter my evolution.

Every lesson,






and the kaleidoscope

of events

molded me to

this reality.

Each road blocked,

every path taken,

have allowed this new me

to give birth.

I can never be that woman.

I will never be this way again.

I can be the vehicle

to whatever spirit wants

as I consciously open




and follow the light

that is now guiding me…

to become the all of self.