The Struggle To Do Nothing

magic of doing nothing

Standing or walking have become exquisite gifts taken for granted. A pulled tendon on top of my right foot has impeded me from doing all the normal daily activities I enjoy…like walking to the creek, going to the back of our gorgeous property, and just taking a step down the stairs to go to the car. The things we do on a daily basis can be taken away in one second and we don’t know how to adjust to the ever changing times.

It’s not easy to just sit. And, so when the doctor tells me that the healing is slow and I must rest the foot, I feel crippled. I have a two year old. That alone says a lot about mobility.

For over three weeks my body has been at a halt. It has endured questions on everything from weight, health and pain. I have had a lot of time to ponder from the sofa, while writing and working, to determine that I have a difficult time adjusting to being with me for too long without mobility. Cause, let’s be honest, while we are keeping busy we don’t have to entertain the internal demons that hide through a busy mind.

I have encountered generosity from amazing souls in my lifetime. It’s hard for me to receive. I enjoy giving and nurturing others. I love being able to be there when someone needs an ear, a hand, or just a friend in silence. I cherish moments when I can give from my soul and sit in the openness of another person’s vulnerability. But, it’s truly hellish to be in my own struggle of doing nothing and feeling the rawness of my own soul asking and begging for nourishment. It’s difficult to just be with me this long and not be able to entertain the ego with something else. It’s excruciating…imagine that! Life will provide the lessons needed to learn at the precise moment we avoid them the most.

Sometimes it requires a hard up accident, a near death experience, or simply a stupid pulled tendon for us to truly stop and listen. When we don’t listen to the whispers, they will begin to scream through what we avoid the most. Going on helping others is wonderful, but we must take care of ourselves first.

Yesterday, in the car with my husband, I broke down. I could barely say anything as I kept wiping the tears over and over, not daring them to touch the bottom of my face. I couldn’t quite explain the reason for them. I am sure, lately, he’s been witnessing a neurotic woman who is coming out of her skin. But, the tears have bottled up within a trying and challenging week full of issues with some of my grown children, and my inability to be able to do anything. I can’t do anything but be here. Even if my foot was perfectly fine, I can only send love and share in their struggles. However, pain intensifies all emotions. It clearly drains anything that’s been held up for a long time. Pain is a master at shifting our consciousness. It will force and bring forth whatever is being avoided.

Deep Sigh…

Vulnerability comes during moments of complete awareness when the soul is screaming for attention. And, when we aren’t courageous in the ability to let go and share, vulnerability will grab our perception in another way. We aren’t meant to lock up and dismiss our emotions. Vulnerability is the willingness to surf the ego and accept the nothingness and everythingness of our lives. It sucks at times, especially if you aren’t an emotional person. I, however, am an extremely emotional soul…to fault. I can cry at a drop of a hat about anything that doesn’t pertain to me. But, the moment I feel that pull in my heart about something that’s inside, I get completely erratic.

And, today, as I head out to Georgia to do a workshop on releasing the inner child, I realize wholeheartedly that the inner child has been releasing since the pain started. Isn’t that a kicker? I have visited parts of my own little girl in order to truly accept me in my most vulnerable state.  The struggle has been in allowing my busy mind to stop and do nothing.  It’s an art of sorts. Creating nothing takes work!

Sit long enough with yourself to love all aspects of you. I don’t say this lightly. I say it because I have been experiencing it in hyper mode. And, for those who think that your inner child doesn’t need tending, remember how you feel when your favorite TV comes on, or how you experience the simple things in your daily life. That’s a little girl or little boy, thanking you for nourishing them.

Learning through Pain

I believe we learn from pain.  We have been trained to feel the heartache and push through it with anger, depression, or whatever other emotion it conjures up.  Every morning I receive quotes to my cell phone. Today’s was by William Faulkner, “Given the choice between the experience of pain and nothing, I would choose pain.”  I agree.  My failures, aches, and breaks have taught me more than never trying anything at all. Because of such failures and lessons, I have been transformed and re-molded. It has not only been the life I have chosen but God’s will in an incredible story He helps me write so that I continue to aspire for more.  And those painful experiences push the boundaries in life.  Those amazing lessons have humbled me, forcing me to honor the divine.

Even as young children we learn through pain.  If we touch something hot we know to stay away from it in the future.  Children register the simplicity in the reaction of circumstances.  As adults, we sometimes choose selective amnesia to deal with the same situations (which cause the same painful effect), like that old saying: “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.”

In this depth I feel closer than ever to the Divine.  Each painful experience has allowed me to accept something frightening about myself.  I have rehearsed all my life for this particular moment, like a dancer preparing for the ultimate recital.  Every rehearsal has been painful, frustrating, but enlightened while preparing for the final testimony of strength.  I have learned to take materialism and abstract emotions and placed them on some shelf high above to observe.  I keep those parts of my life in view so I won’t fall again in the same mistakes.  Failure can be repeated if it’s not recognized as failure.  Experience is the after mass of falling down, getting hurt, and hitting a rocky bottom.  As Bill Cosby once said, “I don’t know the key to success but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.”

I have learned from spiritual teachings that we are ultimately responsible for our choices and actions.  Our decisions come from knowledge or the lack of knowledge.  That’s the law of responsibility that explains the cause and effect.  As elementary science teaches us – for every action there is a reaction.  Divine reasoning cannot destroy this or change it.  There would be absolutely no memory.  In order to solve any problem in life we must focus on a solution and recognize the problem without excuses.  Through pain we are pushed to step back, acknowledge the lesson, and then decide if we want to repeat.

I would not change a single obstacle, challenge or heartbreak. They have molded me to grow while acknowledging the path. This is a mystical journey. We are always held through love, joy, grace, and compassion. Each lesson has taught me the capacity of my humanness. Each sorrow has opened me to a higher consciousness of acceptance.  It is purely serendipitous. As Oprah says, “Turn your wounds into wisdom.”

…Until you walk in my shoes

love is the absenceWhenever I feel an attack I become a recluse.  My hermit ways grab a hold of me and I escape into a world of silence.  After releasing it writing about it comes natural.  Judgment has many complexities.  It is about our own intuition and perception.  It is also about wisdom, telltale, warnings and consultation.  Judgment is also painful, opinionating, deceitful and full of many false criticisms.  It can destroy relationships, friendships and anything it comes in contact within the umbrella of gossip.  We are all subject to it.  No one is exempted from it. And, this simple noun, with all its complexities, rises and grabs us hold.  We are forced to step back and re-evaluate, not only others but ourselves in the process of relating to them.

When we are emotionally unavailable life is a huge struggle.  We show the strength in our spirit as soon as the walls start to cave around us.  Strength is not shown in moments of comfort and happiness.  It appears in moments of trials and difficulties through the courage of letting go. Judgment and criticism are catalysts to stepping back and watching the ego take the lead.  Challenges push us to stay in hot water and brew to develop into something magically unavailable to us in other instances of our lives.  We become authentically in nature if we allow the self to live in honesty while honoring our truths.  The judgments from others can’t really hurt us if we are grounded in authenticity.  I always say out loud when I am making a point, “I know my truth!”  That knowing comes from divinity.

I believe that we learn through the challenges of feelings.  We are pushed to escape our egos and allow the Divine to help.  When things are going well we rarely go to Spirit.  It’s as if we need to find pain in order to fall on our knees and get closer to God.  It’s ironic.  The lower you are the higher you become.   Being emotionally honest allows the freedom to celebrate Spirit, the core essence of our being.   I find that the older I get the more emotionally available I become with myself.  I am not running.  I embrace the emotions, sometimes holding them too tightly to finally allowing them to subside.  My humanness craves for the liberation of principle.  I am accepting me in the perfection of being the best version of me there is in this world.

A few things I have learned from the vile of other’s opinions.  And, here are quotes that fit any situation that causes us to step into the uncertainty of criticism and how it affects us.  Unless you’ve walked in my shoes, you cannot know how I will react, and vice versa.

– “Do not wait for the last judgment. It comes every day.” – Albert Camus

– “People hasten to judge in order not to be judged themselves.” – Albert Camus

– “Never look down on anybody unless you’re helping them up.” – Jesse Jackson

– “We judge others instantly by their clothes, their cars, their appearance, their race, their education, their social status. The list is endless. What gets me is that most people decide who another person is before they have even spoken to them. What’s even worse is that these same people decide who someone else is, and don’t even know who they are themselves.” – Ashely Lorenzana

– “I am aware that I am less than some people prefer me to be, but most people are unaware that I am so much more than what they see.” – Douglas Pagels

– “Don’t judge a man by his opinions, but what his opinions have made of him.” – Georg Christoph Lichetenber

Sadly enough there’s no return from gossip and judgment.  Once it is out there it is difficult to deny it.  The only thing one must do is keep moving to the best of your own judgment.  All the great masters expressed that the secret to compassion is to turn the other cheek.   We must give thanks for those teachers who hurt us and push us to expand our hearts.  Our hearts have to break, pain has to be somewhat present, and then we grow.  I’ve come to realize that’s how it is with love and God.  There is such beauty in allowing the truth to come through our weakness.  The more we allow ourselves to feel the discomfort, the easier the journey becomes.  I vow to become more emotionally honest and speak up when the pain appears, when joy embraces me, and when Spirit speaks to me.  I wish you freedom as you gift yourself the ability to honor all emotions and live authentically.  Life is too short to pretend, hide, neglect and reject the emotional roads that lead to truth.  Judgment, or not, the choice is always yours…until you walk in my shoes I will not allow you to dictate my emotions.  Ultimately you are only responsible for one person…YOU!

You are never truly broken…

I spent the night participating in home movies of myself.  The scenes, characters, and situations all suffocated me with negativity.  My ex played a huge role in patronizing and embarrassing me in front of others.  My family turned things upside down to make a point of my “reckless-risky behaviors and decisions.”  Friends came out of nowhere to humiliate me and tell me “their truths” about how they felt in regards of my actions and choices.  These are the small gatherings of traumas leftover from some other time in my life.  Every so often sleep takes me to the subconscious house of pain.  While I am awake I rarely go to those rooms of anguish and agony.

Carl Jung would have a field day with the symbols and archetypes decomposing the brokenness from the collective unconsciousness.  Years ago mornings like this would leave me in tears, mangled and confused.  I would be paralyzed in making a decision without overly analyzing for days.  I would ask continuously, “What’s my purpose here?  I can’t contribute to this or that.  They are right.”  I would find myself spinning out of self-doubt, self-control while lacking self-worth.  Once in that space of inflicted hostility everything seemed worthless of my attention and magnified by inexplicable amount of fears.

Recently I was watching a show with Mark Nepo.  He was being interviewed by Oprah on Super Soul Sunday.  These words echoed this morning when I woke, “To be broke is not a reason to see all things broken.”   I know the past is a wilderness forest.  Once you pass the corner you can only see forward.  You can see shadows of those bad things in the far distance.  Nothing can hurt you any longer from back there.   I have spiritually evolved enough to know these dreams happen when a huge change is about to take place in my life.  They replicate and feed off the little scared girl in me. Their presence is a reminder of how much light I’ve acquired.

We have the inexplicable habit of seeing the world as broken when we are down feeling broken as well.  We justify the negativity as part of our community – the pity-party group.  In darkness all you see is dark unless you allow the spirit to find a switch to turn on the light.  It only takes an instance to do this.  This is what I’ve realized: we are never broken anymore than we are fixed.  It is a shift in our egos that allows us to choose which side we serve.  In being broken we minister to the dark side of our soul.  In accepting our imperfections as perfections we support the light of spirit.  Which do you choose to serve?  Which side will you be: the victim or the survivor?

As I am sipping on my java looking at yet another gray day I smile in contentment.  I am reminded of the great things in my life…right now this instance:  The dog lies near my feet; the cat is stretched out purring on a chair; the man I love is sound asleep down the hall; the smell of incense fills the room; and candles flicker in an erratic dance.  This is Divinity signing to my essence of the great shift in perception.  There is no more darkness.  I won’t go there in waking moments feeding the negativity from the night.

Stop counting your cracks, the imperfections, the shattered insecurities and begin to see what each scar has brought to you in strength.  There…in there…lies a loving spirit dedicated to live in harmony. You are whole…not a hole of pity.  Don’t let the sunshine frighten you more than the big black shadows.  Stop being afraid to live!  Each breath is a gift.  Don’t take it lightly!  God bless….

Piercing Thoughts

explosion on the mountain

I looked outside on this beautiful cold November day at the many naked trees.  Leaves are falling fast.  The forest is starting to look bare across our pond.  In the process of it getting there I see how simple things make my life worthwhile.  It is those sweet fundamental moments of being present on my deck staring at nature that ground and comfort me.  I enter a place of divinity.  Call it meditation, prayer, contemplation or a visit from a muse.  These are the moments that make me come to the realization I am content on this mountain top.  I have been healed from the past.  Shortly thereafter I took a hike and sat on my favorite rock overlooking the valley.  All you can see is the colors of fall exploding everywhere.  I had a moment of laughter while remembering a recent story from my friend down the street.

Our neighbor’s little girl, Sophia, is 7 years old.  The other day Nichole and Sophia went to the mall.  When they passed a jewelry store Sophia asked if she could get her ears pierced.  Then she asked her mother if it would hurt.  Nichole explained to her that it hurts just a little bit.  She then remarked, “I think I will wait till I am 10.  By then I will have been used to a lot more hurt and pain.”  This coming from a seven year old!  How well we perceive our lives in the future.

When I was in my twenties I swore I had to rush and get the raising of children and career on track.  I wasn’t going to live past 40.  Forty seemed like a doomsday apocalyptic date.  I rushed through everything: money making careers, real estate, children, and anything that would leave a legacy of who I had been for forty years to those I loved.  I also thought that by the time I was forty all the hurt and pain would be something I be used to.  In a way I guess I prophesied it.  At forty I died psychologically and spiritually.  I left everything behind.  The hurt and pain I had endured seems now overwhelming.  I manifested that specific date in my timeline to end a life I had created.

I laugh now because of how we create our thoughts.  Manifestation is a powerful tool.  Whether we project it for goodness and goal-filled venues, or set a negative output for the future, the outcome is still the same.  That which you give thoughts to will materialize!  You become what you think.  Our thoughts make, create, and even break us.  I repressed everything I did not want by projecting it into the future.  Had I dealt with the issues at the time I would have been a different person.  This is who I am today because of the power of manifestation.

I have always kept a visual journal for the things I want.  They are filled with pictures of places and things I desire.  Funny thing is that I forget about these journals and in time I look back to realize I have received everything I wanted (sometimes much better than I imagined). We are co-creators and participants in the stories of our lives.  When I projected that I would die at forty I wasn’t far off from the vision.  I am a completely different person in my spiritual, emotional, and psychological path.  And, just like Sophia I knew I would be able to handle the hurt and pain better at that age.  I am fortunate to be able to understand that pain is inevitable.  We learn with it, through it, and because of it.  I no longer need to project it.  It gets dealt with immediately.

Don’t allow repressed pain and hurt to dictate how it will play in the future.  Let it go now and be in the presence of simplicity.  As we pass through our obstacles and challenges there is a need to react and accept that everything will be okay. It is always okay even if the pain is just from getting your ears pierced at seven. favorite rock