The Sacredness of Presence

I was able to watch the sun come up today driving kiddos to school. It was later than usual. And those aha moments began to gather. I breathed deeply at the traffic lights. I inhaled the sun peeking. I exhaled to the awareness of presence. I teared up at the beauty all around me in these mountains and I recited my prayers of gratitude.

Who you are today is a compilation of every past experience. And, you are nothing of what you will be tomorrow. That’s the beautiful mysticism of understanding the evolution of the soul.

You are the universe embodied in a human vehicle. You are a zillion cells and infinite years old. Things change every second. I urge you to pay attention.

I’ve been wealthy. I’ve been poor. I’ve been a follower. I’ve been a teacher. I’ve been an avid student. I been a mother. I’ve been a wife and a lover. I’ve been angry and happy and lost and found. I’ve been broken and pasted back together mending in my private times. None of those labels will define my tomorrow because I am ever changing…but they have defined the soul I’ve become at this moment. Every single challenge and experience has molded me. It’s never the end. We are semicolons pausing and quickly beginning a new phase. Every single day.

Just as the sun rising and the night returning…You get to restart and reinvent yourself over and over. It’s a divine privilege. It’s your human right.

So don’t let the stress of tomorrow overshadow the sacredness of presence now. You will never be this young again. You will continue to grow in spirit and the moment you become aware of your power life will begin to shift.

I love you. Be present. Make it a point to stop, have a conscious breath, and taste your life for what it is. Whether it’s good or bad it is your life. And you can change it whenever your accept that this is not a prison life sentence. It is truly a magical experience of endless proportions.

~m.a.p.

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Secrets Kept

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“I thought about how there are two types of secrets: the kind you want to keep in, and the kind you don’t dare to let out.” – Ally Carter

Secrets have a cost. We all have them because of taboo, shame, guilt, intimacy, embarrassment, and self-worth issues. Meantime, while they sit inside gaining energy, they eat away at our psyche. Ego feeds them with remorse and negativity. Secrets often times have a huge price to them. And even though we are entitled to keep things to ourselves, there are those little secrets that still nag for release. There are those small disclosures that eat at us in disgrace. Unfortunately, the longer they are kept in the closet the larger they become.

Sometimes, in the middle of nothing in particular, I return to a specific memory. In that memory I can conjure up the emotions of that time, with the person, and the things exchanged. I realize I have never been one to dig for secrets, including my very own. The reason my exes could cheat so easily was due to the fact that I never checked them. I never went through their things. I never followed them, until I was ready to face the moment of truth. Then there was no going back. I am completely oblivious to my surroundings, and when in my own bubble, I try to stay there out of fear.

What I’ve learned, through journaling and past therapy, is that avoidance is a form of keeping secrets. If you can’t be willing to dive into the heartache and discomfort then the secret continues to lie inside. Sometimes the best way to keep a secret is to pretend there isn’t anything to keep. Is it a form of delusion? Is it clinical and psychological avoidance of sorts? Is it survivor instincts repressing the deep and emotional pain? I don’t really know why we keep certain things inside.

I don’t have many secrets. I can’t really say there is anything badly enough to keep eating at me. The few things gathered in a basket of shhh, are more personal things about love and relationships. Some sweet intimate memories must remain inside forever. They are mine to hold and cherish alone.

The shame from my rape at 18 took eighteen years to be released. It had become an inconceivable shameful event that created many self-esteem issues. Once that was purged, I was able to allow for restoration and restitution. I was able to free myself from the monsters. Now there isn’t much inside that can control my psyche with oppression, only secrets of the loving kind. The secrets that are filled with shame birth a new identity in us. Those things that are due to infidelities, stealing, lying, sexual indiscretions, rape, abuse and much more, are the ones we need to allow release. The letting go of such “monsters” allows for divinity to step inside. Forgiveness is easier when it is for someone else. Real forgiveness, however, starts inside. The past has allowed each one of us to get here. We learn from our mistakes. We are better because of the lessons gathered along the path of life.

Skeletons in the closet serve no purpose unless you are decorating for Halloween. We are created in the light of Spirit. In that light all secrets are diminished. Let go and realize that you are not your secrets. You are evolution of such experiences. Good or bad, they have brought you to the awareness of today.

“And when at last you find someone to whom you feel you can pour out your soul, you stop in shock at the words you utter— they are so rusty, so ugly, so meaningless and feeble from being kept in the small cramped dark inside you so long.” – Sylvia Plath

Paying an Invisible Debt

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My darling fiancé, Matt, likes to quote Mark Twain, “Worrying is like paying a debt you don’t owe.”  I am reminded that worrying solves nothing.  It’s like filling an imaginary bucket with fears.  The false impression of controlling an event is what gets us stirred up in the first place.  Everything does happen in divine order.  When he says this quote I am able to move from a small doubt to the knowing that I have no dept to pay.

Each person moves at a different spectrum especially when we are being tested with huge obstacles, events, and challenges.  Life does not happen to us.  Life happens through us. When we let go of those stressful strains that fill our spaces, trying to fill the empty bucket with anxiety, we let go of the struggles. Ah!  There is a battle always going on inside of us: ego vs. spirit.  We are such complex beings, because we are created in the image of divinity, but we fight against it. The ego loves to create the lie of separation.

It is said that time heals all wounds. This is only if and when we are ready to release what has hurt us.  I’ve known people whose wounds are older than me and are still living in the memory of the event and trauma.  Surrendering, letting go, releasing…these are all beautiful words of wisdom.  They sound simple.  It’s like telling a person who lives on adrenaline to stop and relax.  How?  How can one start to let go? How do we release the illusion of fear? Not everything that needs to be learned is pretty.  Some things are monstrous, shameful and horrendous in nature, but it is those things that require release the most.  Piggy backing secrets is a sure way of stomping growth and the flow of life. And because we are creatures of habit and patterns the fears of past events overcast the future. The distress of unknown factors create a mountain out of flat land.

I said to Matt this morning that life is an adventure.  He answered, “Not always, babe.”  I then said that not all adventures were fun, exciting, and wonderful.  Some adventures are pretty darn nasty.  I am learning everyday to throw caution to the wind or at least giving it a try.  As a friend recently said, “We can achieve anything as long as we get out of our own way.”  I am constantly reminded that what keeps me from achieving anything is me.  What allows me to grow is me. What allows me to release is me.  What releases the drama is me.  And, at times what creates the same drama is me. I am getting better at releasing and surrendering.  I don’t recognize the woman I was just a year ago, or even five months ago.  I am peeling the onion layers at a time, but instead of getting smellier as I get to the core, I am getting sweeter.  It isn’t easier to face those things that have no answers at this moment.  It can be scary.  It can be daunting.  But, I do realize the need to abandon all control to God.  His master plan is flawless, even when I don’t like it.  Life is orchestrated to be lived through layers of complexity and simplicity; dark and light, yes and no.  The duality of everything makes us, breaks us, and re-creates us.

What are you willing to surrender in order to start living an authentic life?  We all have to be honest and determine what’s important.  If your past is killing you then stop looking at the rear view mirror, you don’t live there anymore.  Sharing and letting go frees the skeletons in the closet and allows you to finally bury them in the ground.  You are only responsible for your life and your choices! Stop trying to pay debts that aren’t due or owed or even in the near future.  If you must, live one-second-at-a-time because during some circumstances living one-day-at-a-time seems like too much. And that’s all we can do to surf the wave of uncertainty.