Healing through Surrender

Several months ago while traveling through Peru, my husband and I had some intense conversations. In all the years we’ve known each other the trip allowed us to open up and tell the stories within the stories.

We were walking a plaza in downtown Cuzco when I shared that I had left everything with my first husband. He listened. I didn’t realize I hadn’t shared the details of my break-up when I was 22 years old with two babies. He knew the bullet points. He knew the Cliff Note version. He had openly shared some personal things about his previous marriage from when he was younger. I shared as a matter of fact without even seeing the reoccurrences of so many other things.

“You realize you have a pattern, right?” He said looking at me across the table in the most quaint cafe of the plaza.

“What do you mean ‘a pattern?’ With what?” I asked.

“You have walked away from three different relationships and have left everything behind. You have lost money and other things….” He shook his head in agitation.

It was an aha moment of sorts. One thing is to know it and another is to see it as he pointed it out. I stared outside the window watching an indigenous woman walking her two alpacas. He went on to take a tally of the things I left behind: money, houses, cars, businesses, and the last one was a huge dream which I had for decades. We discussed “my pattern” to extent. But, I let him know that sometimes when the issue is so large, that it starts to destroy the purpose of your soul navigating through this life, the only thing to do is let go. Completely! Even if it includes leaving everything behind. Especially if includes breaking away from toxic energy.

I rarely look back. It’s a waste of energy and time. It truly serves nothing for my creating of the future. Until…until I am hit with a blockage of trying to buy a house or pay for something to help others. Then a bit of anger arises for allowing those folks to bulldoze their way into my naive inability to fight for what was righteously mine. I’ve lost a lot of money. And things. But, I believe peace is priceless.

But when I experience that anger, coming from Ego, I step back, quiet the mind, and allow myself to return to divine surrender.

I cannot change the past or any choices I made then. Leaving toxic relationships was survival. Money is energy and it returns. Always returns. Things can always be replaced.

You can look back at patterns in your life. I will not be leaving what’s mine anymore because I am very conscious of the types of people I now attract into my life. I will not be placed in that type of situations.

There are casualties in every war. Sometimes it’s people. Other times it’s places and things. What I have learned is that by walking away I made a clear path to any karmic debt. Some would say, including my husband, that I am too nice and that I deserved to take legal actions in everyone of those past relationships. I, however, feel that my life has been enriched by all the lessons those three experiences taught me. I have grown and evolved spiritually because of them. They will always be considered blessings in my life.

It’s important to let go. And when you do be mindful to truly allow the universe to align with your dreams and desires.

Always return to love. The love and respect you deserve for yourself.

Curandera

A few days prior to our trip I woke up at 3am dreaming I was in the Amazon jungle…

I was walking through a thick tropical forest. I ended up sitting on a giant boulder and a small woman appeared. She was old but still had thick black hair. She could’ve been young. There was no age to her. She had beautiful black eyes. The lines on her face told their own story. She came close to me, almost gliding through the air. It wasn’t as if she was walking. She told me she was a Curandera (Healer). Immediately I became defensive by telling her that I would not be doing Ayahuasca or any funny plant medicine. I explained that I already have intense visions. She laughed in a sarcastic manner. She knew I would tell her that. I also told her that I would not be returning to my past experiences in order to move forward and, in Spanish, she told me that I didn’t have to. She acknowledged that I have done that healing already. My challenge now was to move forward into the future with the acceptance of my gifts. They have been entrusted by my own soul before getting here in this incarnation. She said I was to help others and, by not utilizing my power, I was avoiding living in my true-authentic purpose. It was my contract. It was my life mission and it started with my family, lovers, and children…but that they were just classroom lessons preparing me for what was to come.

WTF!  Even in the dream I felt the sting of some judgment and resistance.

So I asked her how to do that? She said I would find the answers when I got there. So I asked where “there” was. She laughed again and never answered but her eyes told me otherwise. Even though she was small in stature, her spirit was gigantic.

Now, it’s when it gets wickedly interesting. The rain started falling on me…but she wasn’t getting wet. She had a bubble/veil or something. I heard the thunder in the background and I woke. I woke to the rain outside the opened windows of our bedroom. I was completely disoriented touching the bed to find my husband. I woke smelling the forest in the room. The sound was still traveling in waking moments. I got up to use the bathroom and it lingered. She lingered in the hallway and then it all left.

Obviously it was an astral travel and not a dream. But, now…three weeks later I feel her nearby. I felt her in Cusco. I have felt her at night waiting for a decision…one I cannot make at this time. “Cannot” is unacceptable. Let me rephrase that: I won’t make at this moment since there are a few things aligning the path that take priority. Quitting my job isn’t in the cards at this time. I struggle with this everyday. I want to make money utilizing my creativity and passion for sharing stories. I want to write and get paid for it. I met a shaman in Peru the day before we left who said almost word by word what the Curandera said to me.

I truly had no expectations when I went to Peru. I wanted a vacation. I found much more. One specific miracle happened the day I climbed Machu Picchu.  I lost my hearing three years ago on this month in my right ear. While hiking I felt a pop and sound exploding in it. Since we’ve returned I can hear about 40%. I am blessed for this. It’s messed up my equilibrium for a bit but I am adjusting and completely grateful. That was just one of the gifts I attained in our trip. There have been others but that’s for another time.

Who knows what will happen to me in the next few weeks, months or years. But I feel the expansion at night when I am quiet. I feel my soul begging to trust it for whatever is coming…which I do. The cosmic energy this month is less intense than the last months. I urge you to sit with it. Let it mother you and love you so you can move through it with positive energy. It’s not harsh. It’s truly sweet.  I share this, as I share all my muses, so you don’t feel alone in your journey.

We got this! We are connected. Mucho love to you…..

Amazing Humanity

We met Pablo outside of a restaurant in Aguas Calientes. I was climbing up the road leaving a lung on the sidewalk. Days of hiking and climbing and I can still feel the intense stretching of my lungs.

He asked if we wanted lunch in broken English, “Señora, pizza and oxygen inside!” We laughed. We told him we would be back later.

We did. He is a charismatic young man. Matt and I sat outside so we could talk with him as he was wrangling up customers from the walkway.

Pablo is from the jungle. The real jungle of Peru. He has a scar on his face and I didn’t ask why but I bet he wrestled a puma. He came to Machu Picchu two years ago to explore. He loves it. He asked about America. He asked about life and travels. I asked about the many dogs around the city. They are friendly and they are free to roam around. I asked about the free-range children…little ones everywhere while doing remarkable well. He said nothing happens in this town. Everyone keeps an eye out.

Through observation, Machu Picchu is an ancient gathering space brought into the modern world. Life is laid back. People are in no rush for anything. There is one school in the main square and kids walk home happy as can be. I felt as if I was transported back to another time. It has a powerful esoteric power that changes you. Pablo confirmed it. We talked about the fairytale-pull it has.

Then his co-worker arrived and he practiced his English while Matt practiced his Spanish. Pablo wanted to take us dancing later and we told him we were headed back to Cusco. The two men are charming and engaging. But most of all authentic.

On our way out of town my husband said, “We should’ve taken a picture with them so you could write their story!”

So to Pablo and Juan of Machu Picchu, thank you for the present of being present with us, sharing your stories, making us laugh and teaching us compassion.

Sacred Sharing

I met a Brazilian young woman on our tour of Machu Picchu. She had the tattoo in picture. I told her I loved it. I asked if she was finally free. She pulled me out of the line and shared her story.

She needed to say it out loud.

She has been traveling for 10 months through South America. I asked her how her spiritual quest was going? She teared up and hugged me, answering that question in an intimate level of vulnerability. She said that not many people understand what she’s doing (or the tattoo). She feels judged. I told her that judgment was people’s way of dealing with fear of what they don’t know. Her Spanish was pretty good and she said that it’s been the months of traveling. And…she continued with her story while holding my hand in joy for being understood.

There we were, two strangers climbing the sacred space unraveling in the mysteries of spirit. All she needed was to be heard. She is looking for purpose. Aren’t we all? What a gift to find such emotional stories on a magical place. Cheers to Shelley and her journey ahead!

Among the Ruins

Journeys take us out of the comfort zone exploring the parts of us that rarely get addressed. I love traveling. Always have. If it’s not around the neighborhood then the next two cities over. Whatever it takes to evolve spiritually. I can pack a bag in less than five minutes. I don’t Just crave adventure. I create it.

Meeting new people and hearing stories is my favorite of all things. I am forever enriched because of human stories. Why? Why the stories? Why do I tend to them? Because they connect us. They allow us to not feel alone. They push us to learn. They force us to look at things differently. They also heal us and make us whole for humanity’s sake.

Something happened as I was trekking up a sacred ruin near Machu Picchu. I felt it all. I was getting out of breath, sweating and aching. I stood among hundreds of folks and recognized myself in all of it. In all of them. The wind picked up, my husband asked me to stop and take a deep breath before continuing. I wasn’t planning on continuing so quickly. I needed to inhale the land. I needed to take in the landscape. I had a group of older folks in front of me who complained all the way up. I admire their determination but I could do without the theatrics.

So I stood to the side in one of the grass terraces, closed my eyes and allowed for ancestral spirits of the land to kiss me. I allowed the noises to disappear. I felt the intensity of magic and wonder. I was home.

The only other place I’ve ever felt this was in Ireland. This Sacred Valley is filled with myths and theories. The Incas were superstitious and truly advanced in nature. It was a civilization that has inspired the world. They were led by astronomy. I have read stories. I have watched documentaries. But nothing compares to being in the land, grounding energies all around me.

“We’ve been here, babe!” I whispered to Matt. “I have been in this place staring at the night sky many civilizations ago. We’ve been here together….” He remembered a past life regression I shared several years ago and there I was standing in the place. There I was being charged by every rock and stone. It took all of me not to cry. It was as if my soul opened up and poured nostalgia in every gust of wind.

My husband isn’t shocked by anything I say. He might not understand it but he doesn’t judge my knowing. It’s in that acceptance that I can be the person today and all the lifetimes before me without censoring a single moment. He signed up for this. The woo-woo and all.

I urge you to travel… anywhere. It doesn’t have to be this far. It can be a town away or another state. But, I ask that you go and explore those things that your soul craves because your spirit has a way of returning to old stomping grounds. When you get there you will know. All the stories will make sense. You will begin to feel compassion for life. You will understand the yearnings and dreams. You will understand who you are and what you need to know. I promise! Explore and evolve. We are truly more connected than you can see or sense.

Magical Encounters

I had one of the most fascinating flights ever. I sat next to a lovely young woman. She had the window. I was in the middle and Matt in the aisle. Before the plane took off we began to exchange stories. We talked for five out of the six hours. I asked what she did for a living. She said she had 2,800 snakes. You are reading correctly. She studies snakes. Venomous ones. She was coming to the Amazon for two weeks to find them with a film crew. Then she was going to Machu Picchu.

She’s like Dr. Dolittle. She’s an animal charmer and much more. She sure charmed me. She is a powerhouse but I don’t think she recognizes her magic. I sprinkled some fairy dust on her without her noticing. I feel after this trip to the jungle her life will change in extraordinary ways.

So imagine Tinker Bell meeting the little kid from the Jungle Book talking about her zoo and animal farm! She has three alligators. She showed me pictures of her feeding them and how intelligent they are. I will save you the details. She has wild cats that are magnificent. She understands animal spirits deeper than people ones. Her face lit up with every story she told of her many bites, coma, experiences and challenges.

When she was 15 years old she got bit by her first snake. Her body went into shock (and she gave me all the technical lingo of what happens). She was saved and became intrigued. That was the beginning of her journey. She made it her life’s purpose to study them. She says that what you fear pushes you to face those things otherwise you are paralyzed. Sort of like getting bit by a venomous snake. And only you can fix it. You hold the key.

By three hours into the flight we had discussed mysticism, energy, magic, people, passion, purpose and so much more. It was mind blowing. She’s done lots of shows in relationship to incredible things. This is not really who she is. She is this multifaceted being that has been transplanted into our world and she’s finding how she can help others but doesn’t quite know how. Yet…So…we looked at that too.

My sweet husband sat there reading a book the entire time. Every so often he would look up, make a comment and return to his novel. He was happy his wife was high on life.

I was transformed. She has this zest for life that’s rare. Her passion for saving animals is the same one I have for telling stories. We talked about that…the things that make us come alive. The reason we are here. The forces that push us to do what we do.

I fell in love in the sky. She is intelligent and stunning and full of energy that is rare. And, not so rare because we just want to be heard and understood. We want to know that we are not freaks. I got from her sharing that her life is not easy with people being intimidated by this strong and powerful spirit.

I begged her to continue sharing her stories and explore how she can change the world. I asked her, while holding her hands in mine, to find more of life that others are fearful of exploring. Cause she’s not. She fears nothing.

Oh, darlings, you just don’t know the magic of a divine appointment. Neither of us was suppose to sit together. At the last minute, when we got to the airport, Matt and I were switched. We were going to be sitting apart. She was suppose to be in another seat as well. But, the universe said, “It’s time! These three people need to meet. They need to connect!” And bang!!!! A new experience happened. Stay open to it all. It’s ahhhhmazing.

New Beginnings

new beginnings

I take the month of April as a time to celebrate. All 30 days honor as my birthday. On April 1st, I lost one of my sweet elderly clients. I loved him dearly. Although he was in hospice care, I didn’t expect his departure. On April 3rd, I lost a family member who died way too young, leaving three young girls. Yesterday I visited a brand new baby at the hospital who will be adopted by a beautiful couple. She was born from a crack addict who abandoned her as soon as she could leave. Holding her in my arms completed the circle of life. As two souls left this world, this little one came in fighting for her existence. Life is fluid and magical. I left the hospital celebrating it all…the losses and the gains. All three cases are heartbreaking and require emotional acknowledgment.  All three souls touched me in deep ways. I keep hearing the pain out there but I also keep rejoicing the healing and love.

A week ago my husband and I made another difficult decision. We will be taking on another child who needs a loving home. We will love him with the same ferocity and acknowledgment that we’ve given to others. I will be 50 years old in two weeks. It’s not an easy decision but it is the right one. He sat across from me and shared that “Batman never questioned or ignored his bat signals. He armored up and went to the call….” In this case he is Batman…and I am his side kick (yours truly). We will answer the call and provide the superpower of love.
I suspect this is going to be one of the most intensely surprising April’s. We leave in two weeks to Machu Picchu on a spiritual journey of sorts. It’s been calling for me for some time. And, we need this before re-entering another phase of parenting. I sat across from him and said, “Darling, this is not my first rodeo. This will be number 8. I know how this works.  This is number 2 for you. I know you will continue to be magnificent in your role….” So, Peru will be healing and full of mystical surprises.  My spiritual guides have been preparing me for some incredible experiences there.
I feel it’s time to recharge and return to the origins of me. It’s hard to define that. It involves faith, grace, and acceptance. I suspect that something is emerging and it’s lovely on so many levels.  I am open to the expedition of self. It is spring after all…regrowth and newness.
I urge you to make decisions without worrying about how others will react. I ask that you live fully and love openly. Life is fragile and beautiful. You get to decide how you choose to live it. You never know what’s around the corner even when you think you have it all figured out. I look forward to my journeys…the trip and another round of motherhood. For months I was living with panic attacks and anxiety during the night. I couldn’t figure out why. My soul knew of the changes. I resisted unknowingly in my human form. Once it showed up I was able to return to peace. And here we are…today is beyond lovely. Our little boy will be arriving to a home full of joy and love.
I want that for you as well….joy and love. Over and over again. I love you.