What we give power to

I wore thin black socks today with my boots. I normally wear thick fuzzy colorful socks. These socks kept sliding down my shoe. I was very aware the entire work day of this irritation. I can’t count the times I would pull them up and out over the top of the boots. Those socks became the only thing that was a bitchy nag in my boots and in my thoughts. And, just like that we allow other thoughts to control us. How many times don’t we fight against what doesn’t work the way it should? I could have taken the socks off this morning and just worn my boots at work, or walked around barefooted in my office. Those were choices I could have made. I didn’t! 
I thought about it. Every time I bent to grab them and tie my boots I thought about what I wanted to do with them when I got home. But, the problem was not at home. The problem was hugging my feet, bothering my patience. Nothing more persistent than being conscious of discomfort.

I drove home exasperated by the socks and thought about all the things I give power to with my thoughts. We give away our power to socks, problems, obstacles and people. We put up with the issues rather than remove them because we think they will get better. But, when you find yourself over and over pulling at things, aggravated by the annoyance, and pissed off…folks, it is time to get rid of it. I don’t care what it is…just find a way to solve the discomfort the quickest way. 

Life is full of slippery socks, tight shoes, and an array of crap that rub us the wrong way. STOP! Stop the moment those things become too much while forcing the situation to fit into our perception and acceptance. Screw it! If the sock doesn’t fit…get rid of it. If the obstacle can’t be molded, look for an alternative. We aren’t meant to suffer over stupid crap. 

These are the toxic things that make us sick. Even ruin our peace of mind. 

I wasted a perfectly gorgeous day pulling a piece of material up on my leg. And for what? Really!?

Got home, took the socks and threw them in the trash. No point in keeping something that will continue to irritate and piss me off with every step. Now…you…go get rid of those parts that destroy your peace of mind. 

Sloppy Spirituality

spirituality

For whatever reason we place everything before our faith and spiritual practice: career, children, spouses, house work, drama, and all the busyness that comes with our humanness. Spirituality seems to come as a last alternative, full of shameful guilt for not doing more, we touch it with half of our soul’s yearning.  Meditation and prayer come in moments of desperation. It becomes an assignment of negotiation with God.  The truth is we are spiritual beings having a human experience.

Spirituality is not perfect. It isn’t stuck in a box of rituals for each person to follow. Spirituality is sloppy and chaotic at times. Our spirits desire the awakening experience. The Divine is in us waiting to be touched and held. My mornings require ritual: lighting candles, incense, saying my prayers to enter the world, and sitting in silence with a cup of coffee or tea. I need these moments of deep awareness as I open my curtains and allow the outside to join my space. I need to show my spirit gratitude for another breath. This is not a perfect ritual of contemplation but it is mine to uncover and welcome Divinity into my day. It is mine to join with the joy and acceptance of every single day.

Spiritualism accepts the imperfections, the messy lives, the brokenness, the unsaid truths, and everything under the spectrum that we think is not acceptable in organized religion. Why do we hide behind the façade of impeccable accomplishments? It seems that faith is based on what we can see and control rather than the acceptance of the unknown. We practice spiritual perception with fear of what we don’t know and can happen. What would happen if we allow synchronicity to dictate our days?  If we moved with serendipity rather than against it?  If we no longer feared the future? What would happen to us then if we allowed something greater than ourselves to move through us as the Commander in Chief of our lives?

At the end of your life you will not regret the lack of another degree, not having bought the little red sports car, not getting that expensive house, not having enough money in the bank. You will regret not having spent more time in nature, holding a friend’s hand in need, missing your child’s recital, not taking walks with your beloved, not speaking your truth, and so many other things that might seem irrelevant at this moment. You might feel ashamed for the time not spent with Divinity, kisses from your children, hugs from your parents, and sweet words from a lover. You will wonder why you didn’t sit and relaxed more, breathed the earth deeper, and allowed each moment to count just as it is meant to touch you. The things most important in life have nothing to do with money, winning, status or work. They have to do with love, sharing and other moments invaluable to your spirit. The first and only person you need to answer to is yourself.  The second is your faith. Give each moment the degree of importance it needs to be cherished and enjoyed. Be present in your conversations, visits, and life.  Don’t waste time worrying about the things that stress you, or the to-do list. Don’t be overwhelmed with anxiety for what could not happen and participate in the moment you have available right now. This is part of sloppy spirituality:  the deep awareness of each breath, touch, and leaving everything behind. It is about reprogramming your senses, needs, and releasing the control of what we have been conditioned to be religious beliefs.

I rather live a messy spiritual life than one of conformed social expectations while living inside of a make believe fantasy that never witnesses the miracle of God. I rather behold the eyes of someone speaking with me and truly seeing their soul unfold. That’s the most beautiful form of spiritual wisdom. I can’t think of anything more whole to experience the oneness of our existence.

Manifest

manifest

We ask. We pray. We yell and demand whatever it is we think will change our lives. We want it now. We want it yesterday. We ask some more. And in the asking we skip over the moments of quietude to wait for an answer from Divinity. Spirit has a way sending signs (literally in a huge billboard) or a song, a word from a stranger or a passage from a book. We get consumed in the illusion of what we assume would be the perfect answer. Listen through synchronicity. You know what you know that you know. So stop placing the stress OUT THERE to the universe without paying attention to your inner voice. You are the creator of your life and the Universe is your co-pilot of creation. Until you believe that you manifest what you desire you will continue to ask the outer world to fix what you can do yourself. Hold your knowing tightly and pay attention to the calmness of spirit. Your soul knows that timing is everything. Ask and it is given…but most of the time it is in a way that your imagination can never have created. It’s sweet and loving and magical.

8 things a rape at 18 taught me in my 40’s

letting go of pain

It took years for me to openly discuss the violation of what happened to me at 18 when a man grabbed me, placing a knife to my neck, breaking my panty hose, raising my skirt, and fisting me while licking my face with spit and saliva. It took years to get his smell off me, his words out of my head, and feel that my vagina and all its parts were not dirty. To this day I can still be transported back to that moment when I smell bad breath or tooth decay in someone but it doesn’t affect me the way it did for so long.

I was 36 years old when I finally said it out loud. “I was violently raped. I am not disgusting. I am not unlovable. I am a sexy woman who had an experience that ultimately changed her life.” Like millions of others I have decided not to use it as a weakness. I survived that and many other events in this lifetime. It was in my forties that I began to embrace the lessons rape taught me.

  1. I had female issues all of my life. I had horrific periods, cysts, and breast problems. I had my uterus removed at age 39. And, even though I was done with having children after raising six of them, I still felt a loss. I was less of a woman. I began to think of my vagina and counterparts as a monster. My womanhood was a curse rather than a blessing. I couldn’t make peace with my sexuality. In my forties I began to feel like I had never felt before. I left a destructive relationship of many years that had continued the emotional abuse and manipulation that the rape had started. I began to embrace the woman without all the stigma I had attached to my femininity. Wisdom comes with age.
  2. I am not my body. I began to find spirituality, self-love and acceptance. Somewhere in my forties I didn’t think of the rape. I no longer had nightmares waking up in a cold sweat seeing the cratered-face man with curly hair coming after me with a knife. My worst fear had already happened. I wouldn’t attract that kind of behavior ever again through a constant fear based thought process. I would not be attracted to dominating narcissistic men. Whatever we give power and thought continues to unfold. We attract through fear.
  3. Something happens to people who have been abused: they begin to come across others. In my forties, after buying a retreat center with my best friend, I began to notice many women walking into our office with the same distinctive marking. I could tell by the body language that they had been molested or raped. There’s something left behind in an abused person. It’s a trademark that follows us around. Some people (men or women) allow the act to determine who they become. I have chosen to hold my head up high and not fear intimacy with anyone. The rape took my body, it destroyed my worth, but it also made me realize how compassionate people are with one another when I opened up.
  4. Rape is a physical act that heals but the mind shelters this and creates a victimization attitude. I am not a victim. I am a survivor. I shifted the perception of this violence. I also made sure that it did not lead my future relationships.
  5. I no longer use my body or my sexuality to entice someone. I didn’t really know what an intimate relationship was until my 40’s. It had less to do with sex and more to do with truth and openness. Making love was truly not a sexual moment but a transcending act between two souls.
  6. I forgave myself for what happened. For many years I believed that I got attacked because I was curious. I heard something fall behind the mail room in our office after hours on a Friday evening. I blamed myself for this curious gene until one day I came to realize that curiosity is not to be blamed. It happened. I survived. We are past this point of holding on to the past.
  1. Mind, body and spirit are united to carry us through everything we do in our time lines. The attacker was someone’s son. He once had a childhood. He was a miserable man who needed to take a woman’s power through abusive control. But, we will forever be connected because of that event. Our paths crossed through an inconceivable act and he might never think of that young woman exposed and raw but I have sent him love through many meditations when I feel my self-worth start to shake.
  1. Finally, I no longer walk around looking at everything around me. I am oblivious to my surroundings. I don’t think about it…I just move through life with a desire to love and enjoy others. I didn’t feel this in my 20’s or 30’s. I felt fragile even though I was strong and brave.

We all wear scars, some visibly while others deep seated inside our soul. Only we know of their existence. When we are ready to share with another the scars seem to heal slowly. Those scars are road maps to the past. They can guide us with strength onto the next journey. The scar from the violence at 18 sat in silence for too long. It wasn’t until I allowed the secret to come out that I began to heal. I choose not to play the role of victim but survivor. We all survive with dignity and carry those battle scars with pride, or we can play the martyr and victim creating a story for the rest of our life. There is nothing perfect in this world.

You are not your rape. No human being deserves the fear that lives after this atrocious event. The scars live inside. They heal. But, it’s up to you to truly let it go. Forgive yourself…forgive the person who stole a part of your essence. By forgiving the person you return to your power and authentic truth. You find purpose for living. They no longer have it. Also, there is no greater power than your word. Share with another. There’s no shame for what happened to you. I am a better person, courageous, and opened because of this act. Now in my late 40’s I realize how detrimental this crime was for me to become this woman. You are not your sex. You are your power.

Life is to be attended through the joy and contentment of this beautiful journey. In the end, those are the moments that will carry you through the path of least resistance. Find the balance between the past and the present. Today, you are magnificent because of the challenges, atrocities, and scars.

To the Yesers and Dreamers

creations

I believe in fairy tales and happy endings. I believe in magic and the power to create all my dreams with enough zest and focus to light the path ahead. So when the world tells me that I “can’t believe in what doesn’t exist” I laugh. I giggle, disconnect from what is being said, and truly feel sorry for the person saying this to me. I can believe in whatever I want. That’s my right! There’s enough nay-sayers in the world. We need more yesers. We need the dreamers and misfits to stand up and show another side of creation. We need the writers, artists, creators, musicians, and sculptors to stand up and say, “See…there IS enchantment and magic and it comes from divine source.” We don’t need anymore negativity. There’s an over-abundance of that. We need the yesses, the of-course-we-cans, the I-done-it-before-and-will-do-it-agains, the nothing-stops-me-dreamers, the watch-me-take-notice-and-learn-not-to-give-up-on-fairytales folks….. We need a bunch of those to override the darkness that has been instilled in our world and paint it bright. Because…because…I do believe that we have the power to change everything in our lives.

This takes work and most people don’t want to stay on path of dreams. It doesn’t happen over night and it requires positive energy. You need faith and trust and a willingness to go into the unknown. But, you can do anything that you want. Your mind is connected to Source and everything you desire. I strongly believe that we can shift consciousness and awareness to show the world the magic wand that God gave us: LOVE….The love in thy self; the love towards a stranger; the love for life; the love for dreams; the love to heal; and the love to manifest your deepest desires. Use it wisely and with the biggest open-heart available. This is the secret of creation. Use it to mold and shape the life you want. You got this. Stop believing what others tell you that you can’t accomplish. Show them through allowing, creating and receiving! You really have nothing to prove to another but yourself. Don’t stop your dreams to make another happy in their disbelief. Misery loves company but you don’t have to entertain it.  You can choose to live in your own happy-ending-story!

You are the secret

holding_a_key_by_johnkyo-d39g8qr

You want to know a secret? You have all the answers to your life. You can sit in silence and speak to your higher self asking for guidance. I get folks calling, texting, and emailing me for answers to what is already fully available in them. I am not giving them anything they don’t already know. Sometimes people just want permission from another to go through a change. At other times the crude reality of difficult decisions is too much to handle alone. BUT…but...YOU hold all the answers to your present situation. You get to mold your future.  

We go to counselors, therapists, fortune tellers, religious leaders, gurus, and any one out there with a spec of hope. We give another person the right to tell us what we need to do. We give them our power while diminishing our own guidance. YOU HOLD THE SECRET TO YOUR LIFE. No one else can tell you what needs to happen. We do want confirmation. We do want to know that we are acknowledged and understood. We do want to know that we are not alone on this journey. This is the best part of a support system, but ultimately YOU HOLD THE POWER to your story.

If you continue listening to others’ opinions you might be directed in the wrong path. Listen to your gut. Pay attention to your intuition. If it feels wrong…IT IS! If it feels great follow that. You don’t need me or anyone else telling you what to do.

I am here to listen when I can. I am here to allow you to go through the process of figuring things out…but DO NOT expect answers that you know deep within. I will not tell you what you should do because it isn’t my business to do so. I can give you suggestions, examples of how I’ve lived through similar events, but you can’t hold me responsible for your decision making. I don’t know anything but my own guidance for me.  YOU HOLD THE KEY to everything in your life. Use that key to find the right lock and discover your authentic power. You got this!

Declaration of My Power

I will not allow someone’s dictation

to become my own

as the voice in my head

in order to make themselves feel superior;

in order to fulfill their inferiority.

This is permitting the entrance

into my spirit,

the core of my essence and truth,

to rape me of all my will

so that they can feel better;

feel less empty

while carrying in them

the energy of me and all I really am.

I will not give another my power,

virtues, dreams, or thoughts

while allowing them to dictate

the decisions I make

and make me feel

that I have no voice,

whisper, or strength in my words.

I was given this body,

and this mind,

and this awesomeness,

and these thoughts

not to become a puppet

to anyone else

but to be the instrument

intended to find

the music in the world.

I am the notes,

the strokes, and the composition

that make me whole.

I am the oneness

of all through divinity

and another has no way

of robbing my humanity

unless I hand it over

willingly

with the belief that I am

not worth it…

because I AM.

Birth of a Woman

birth

When a woman is born

from the awareness of lost love

hope finds a nest in her heart

and memories no longer

reside with bitterness.

Each turn, curve, and path

become the journey towards peace

without regard of destination

as she arrives there solely through forgiveness.

 

When a woman is born

out of darkness and sorrow

Divinity steps in with a golden lantern

shining light never seen before

on the future now guided by wisdom,

grace and love.

 

When a woman is born

from truth and authenticity

the world respects her

and nothing is ever viewed the same

because it isn’t what is seen with eyes

but captured through heart and soul.

 

Love lies in the self knowledge

of femininity, fertility,

and intimacy mirroring

in such a way that she doesn’t recognize

her transformation…at first.

 

When a woman is born

from the frailties of pain

her angel wings grow wider,

her muscles stronger,

her heart elongates to touch the essence of God.

It is in those moments that all doubts resign

and the “I AM” returns to the world

in the form of motherhood to herself.