The Need to Find Home


“Wisdom tells me I am nothing.  Love tells me I am everything.  And between the two my life flows.” – Nisargadatta Maharaj

I have been self-absorbed lately, so much to the point of trying to find purpose on a life I’ve created from love, faith and the awareness of lessons. Ever since I was a child I have always known what I wanted from life. I’ve never been without goals. Except now I am looking for “home” through the internal maze of consciousness. I am not depressed.  I have bouts of sadness at times because of loss, changes, and those who have come and gone, leaving me to question my humanity. I am left to question my character and how I have been part of others and their drama. But, I am aware that we all live through this because it sums the total of our lives. Without reflection and deep introspect we are nothing.

I was driving back from town early this morning and out of the blue, tears began to flow. I was overcome with joy, giddiness and something else. I know there is no such thing as “out of the blue” because inside of each one of us we know the answer to every moment, feeling, and choice. Our psyche will form false illusions through ego, but we all have the answers. I pulled to the side of the road shaking off “the whatever issue” that was strangulating me. Even though it felt good it also felt sad. It is that “whatever” attitude that brought me into releasing the tears. I was admiring the scenery coming up the mountain as the sun was casting minimal light through the fog making the bright colored leaves even more magnificent. I began to say the word, “home,” out loud.

I am home. At this moment I look back at a some very difficult years. I’ve had to re-establish my sense of identity and my purpose as things have evolved. Every change and challenge has pushed me to question my sanity, beliefs, and connections. I’ve made plans and now have had to deviate from many of them. However, the new journey has been delicious because it has shown me other parts of myself. But, at times thoughts transpire and I recognize them as small hiccups that push the internal needs to frustration.

The Divine has reshaped the map to the future with some humorous points. At times I see the irony and humor in the childish idea that I have control of my life. The joke is on me! I realize what home is now. I see it through the faces of loved ones, the places I’ve lived and the memories collected throughout my days. Home is deeper than a place of residence. It is something in me that remembers and settles with ease. This could be through anything. Home is the essence of who I am.

Something happened when I had the near-death experience almost three years ago. Something significant came back with me deleting all sense of fear. Normal problems now seem ridiculously dramatic circumstances trying to push my higher evolution to learn quicker. In this state of awkwardness I let things fall too easily at times, while at other times they grab a hold of me and suck the air out leaving a vast emptiness with answers to no questions. I don’t understand the struggle here on earth. I don’t comprehend the suffering. Where I went in those moments of leaving my physical body I was at peace.  I was engulfed by a light of love. Nothing compares to that. And this morning as I witnessing the reds, oranges and yellows on the mountains, I recognized that sense of awesomeness that must be experienced as I let go. I keep surrendering with constant clarity that whatever is ahead is rigged in my favor.

I want to live fully. I want to live to the highest desire of my authentic soul. I want to live with passion even when I have no clue to what is ahead. I want to watch sunrises and sunsets as often as I can. I want to see my children grow old, experiencing the magnificence of life. I want my friends around me through the tough and easy times. I want to drink wine, slack off, chase fairies at night, have fun, and still be responsible to know better. I want to keep waking up every morning to the smell of this body aging, growing, and expanding. I want my mate to hold me, touch me gently, wipe my cares and tell me that we will be together until we are not. I want to be guided my synchronicity and serendipity. I want to live a life that is meaningful to that light I witnessed as snow was falling outside of the hospital. I want to continue to hear autumn leaves wrestling while mimicking the sound of rain. I want to experience the changing of four seasons for sixty-something more years. I want to look in the mirror and see the best of me that no other person will ever see. I want to meet strangers and give them a smile to take with them. I want to continue to want things that money can’t buy. I want to stop the urgency of hurt in others and let them know that they are not alone.

Life is truly a bitch at times, but we get this incredible opportunity to make it whatever we want. This is our home. This is my home. Mass consciousness carries energy and it’s time to alter the negative vibes and make them positive ones.

I have become little in my “knowing” while constantly being bombarded by my guides and the remnants of passing souls on a day-to-day basis. It’s not easy to live among the living and still have a foot firmly planted through the veils of reality. I returned from that other dimension with a keen awareness of the miracle of consciousness. There is no description that can do justice to the world outside of this physical one.

Even all these years later I try to make sense of my need to go home when I see beauty unfolding as I did this morning. I continue to struggle with fitting in my body while feeling comfortable in my skin and those around me. I have this achy feeling of not belonging in this reality where the complaints outweigh the contentment in humanity. I haven’t a clue of what I want, as I used to, for so long in my life. There is no grounding until we wake up as spiritual beings. I feel that clearly nudging at me through meditation. There are people truly battling the claws of death through illnesses and they are holding on to life with passion (sometimes through fear). I am blessed to have a chance to stay here and breathe one more day.

We, in this human form, waste so much precious time expecting others to make us happy, tell us what we need and should do, and give us a reason to wake every morning. We live with constant stress of perfection that doesn’t exist. We want to know without having to walk the path. There’s no way! It’s better to live with the wisdom of experience, the open heart of love and the in-between world of accepting that we are spiritual beings having a human experience. It’s okay. It is in that world that, I guess, I find home time and time again. The sadness comes and goes. Joy and grace visit just as often. I will continue to move through this world holding tightly to what I do know is true for me.

As I type this I am witnessing the essence of earth dancing outside. This is the quietude of presence that assures me that what’s to come is beyond anything I could imagine. It’s in that anticipation that the willingness to continue spoils me and brings me joy. Won’t you meet me there? Grab a hold of your truth and let it evolve into the best you there will ever be. Your thoughts are ripples in the waves of mass consciousness. Together we will make this place home!

Learning through others



There is a story about a woman who walks many miles with her overweight son to see Mahatma Gandhi.  When she gets there she begs, “Please tell my son to stop eating sugar.”  Gandhi is said to have asked her to return the following week.  The next week she walked the entire day again with her son to meet him.  This time Gandhi looked at the boy and immediately said, “Do as your mother says and stop eating sugar.”  The woman, confused and a bit angry after all the walking asked, “Why didn’t you just say that last week?  We’ve walked for hours to see you.”  Gandhi replied, “First I had to give it up myself.”

This is a perfect example of teaching through experience.  I am always surprised at how people judge (or give advice) on my parenting skills when they have no children.  I am always surprised at others who give marriage advice when they’ve never been married.  Oh, and the ones who know “exactly” how it feels to mourn or grieve a love one when they haven’t gone through the process.  How can anyone teach without experiencing those things themselves?

I will not mingle or entertain those things I don’t know anything about.  I have little knowledge of politics therefore I don’t enter into conversations on the subject.  I know little about organized religions except for the ones I studied in school.  I can’t sit and discuss beliefs with someone from another background without having experienced what they’ve experienced.  I can’t tell a surgeon how he needs to mend a heart.  I haven’t the slightest clue on a million and one things.  I am learning to keep my mouth shut because I don’t appreciate when others criticize my life without walking my path.

Humanity falls short when it comes to holding compassion.  We immediately allow the ego to judge and scrutinize even without experiencing those issues.  I love this story of Gandhi and the woman.  It shows how we can detach from any situation and try to impart ourselves in order to be empathetic.  Just because I don’t live in a third world country doesn’t mean I can’t imagine how those who go without food feel.  But, I have no clue how “exactly” it feels to be without food.  I have no idea, unless I experience it myself, how the soul feels when it is depleted from nutrition.  The closest I came to this was when my daughter arrived from Romania and she was mal-nourished.  She would hide food under the bed.  She would sit with her meal and chew everything once and put it back on the plate so no one would take it from her.  Then she would take her time to go around the plate and finally enjoy the meal.  Will I ever know what she experienced in an orphanage?  No clue.  I can only learn from what I witnessed.

I see homeless people in large cities all the time.  I feel a sense of helplessness for them.  I am drawn to them in ways I can’t even explain.  I have no idea what it is to live in the streets, in the cold, in the heat and in the mercy of others.  Whenever I hear people say, “They need to get up their lazy asses and get jobs!” I cringe.  How can you be so ignorant?  Unless you have lived that life you can’t possibly know the struggles, obstacles, and mental issues.  Go homeless for a week and then, perhaps, you can give advice (an opinion) on the subject.

We as a whole in this world need to learn to tolerate without judgment.  We need to allow the ego to fall to the side in order to help others without discriminating.  Whether it is for the homeless, the illegal immigrant, the single mother, the homosexual, the drug addict, the HIV patient, etc!  If you haven’t experienced their life please be kind enough to send love, prayers and allow your ego to take a backseat.  Never diminish one struggle over another.  Never judge what you haven’t undergone.   The harshness of opinions, criticism, and intolerance seems to cause more than just wars.  It is depleting our world from the faith in humanity.  Unless you walked the talk…please sit down and quiet the mouth.  As I always tell my children when they try to argue a point they know nothing about, “But, but, but, Mom….”  I say, “The only but is the one you need to sit on and be quiet until you have experienced it yourself.”

We are one.  We are connected in this giant web of humanness.  Learn from others but don’t allow your preconceptions determine the person they are, can be, or should become.  You never know where life can take you.  Karma has a way of teaching powerful lessons when we carry a closed mind and heart.  One thing I know for sure is that kindness and compassion are free.  Character is built on integrity and the willingness to move past judgment and into the service of others.

Sacred Sunday


Sundays are sacred.  Even though it is usually the busiest day here at our retreat center, it is still a day of holiness, reflection, and serenity. I feel it when I wake.  There’s a great amount of mysticism attached to this day.  It is a day that allows me to presently partake in the week’s lessons. This has been quite a week.  I have had many friends contact me for prayer, help, and answers.  The only thing I can do is to listen.  The only way I can help is to have an open heart to the stories, concerns, obstacles and events.  I cannot tell anyone what to do when it comes to their life’s journey.  It doesn’t matter what their guides are saying, what I am feeling, how I see the events unfolding, I will not intervene in the gift of self-knowledge.  I find that just listening to another brings them the awareness they need to find answers.  What good is me telling you what needs to be done? I know nothing of how you are truly feeling. I am here for support.  That’s all I can do.  And, whenever I do say something of divine intelligence, believe me, it isn’t from me. I take no responsibility for those moments that there is no filtering. I am not a prophet. I am not psychic.  I am not a therapist.  I am not a medium. I don’t have direct connection to Spirit.  I am just like you. Everything that’s in me you also have in you.  The only difference is that I truly listen at this point in my life.  Call it being disciplined because I don’t like the alternative of feeling like “bad luck” is on my side.  I follow my gut.

I light candles.  My friends hear this all the time.  “I will light a candle for you.”  I literally have a huge drawer with tea candles and when someone close to me needs direction I get one and light it.  I believe light casts out darkness allowing the flow of clarity.  I say a prayer for this person.  I have a small ritual of sending faith, support and love.  I recite the prayer of protection and keep the candle lit until it burns out.  This week my table has been lit like a catholic church.  And, with each individual candle I ask for divine wisdom, patience, clarity, faith and God’s hands to take the best possible action for their situation.  I also ask for the gift of knowledge.  You always know what needs to be done.  Sometimes you just need that extra soul to reassure you that you got this!

YOU GOT THIS!  You ALWAYS have the answers. If you feel that you don’t it is because you are not listening.  Stop what you are doing. Let go of the fear (false evidence appearing real).  Let go of the anxiety. Allow your thoughts to align with God.  You cannot control a single thing.  But, you can allow for God, the Universe, the Sacredness, the Divine, Jesus, Buddha, (whatever and however you call the higher wisdom) to do what must be done.  We aren’t magicians when it comes to getting rid of problems.  It’s not a one-two-three-hocus-pocus trick.  You have to continue to keep your energy at the highest of pulsation and frequencies.  We manifest through positive vibration and thoughts.

Loss, health issues, marriage problems, finances, desperation and a million other challenges come and go in our lives.  We participate on this on-going experiment called life. Each one of us has a duty to ourselves and others around us to connect, love, empathize, pray and unite.  I am humbled and honored to be part of your life.  I will continue to light my candles for clarity, openness, acceptance and wisdom.  We are not here alone.  We are never alone.  Have a blessed day!

“Prayer is not asking. It is a longing of the soul. It is daily admission of one’s weakness. It is better in prayer to have a heart without words than words without a heart.” ~ Mahatma Gandhi

Little Critters of the Night


For two nights we’ve had a cricket outside our bedroom window making the most annoying sound.  In all the years I’ve lived here I have never heard such a disturbing loudness.  Anytime a truck or larger noise would appear in the distance the critter stopped.  We get comfortable again and quickly it would start to sing (or crick or whatever you call the critter’s voice language).  It has rained the last two nights.  I love listening to the rain fall, the water hitting the pond, and the wind blowing through the land.  I do not enjoy the cricket.  At times I would find myself exasperated, inhaling and exhaling as if I was in labor. Somewhere in the midst of this creature’s song I envision it on a stage and other critters partaking and indulging in listening to it.  I don’t know where it came from but I was seeing a tiny stage and little chairs with bugs, grasshoppers, spiders and other insects as a large audience.  It was then that I fell asleep.  The cricket didn’t stop the noise, but I did.  The annoyance disappeared when I accepted its song as a beautiful gift to the world.

Isn’t that how problems or challenges feel at times?  They annoy the most patient cell in our bodies.  The moment we change perception our reaction shifts to peace.  It is amazing to step back and notice the difference.  Problems are only mind games in our lives.  How we react to those situations determines the outcome.  I was able to fall asleep because I accepted the cricket as the Ricky Martin of the night critter world.  Who am I to interrupt that show?

There’s a process to problems.  There’s a timing involved that requires faith and allowance.  You cannot push or tug on them if they aren’t ready to evolve into the next level.  Just like the critter’s song, the more we focus on the obstacle the less we see the blessing.  As I begin my day, coffee on my lap, fingers typing away, incense burning nearby, I am grateful for all those obstacles that have arrived lately.  They can be annoying when I am focusing on the negative, but when I step back and see what has come with them…I hear and see the beauty of grace echoing through a large concert hall and I am filled with divine love.