No More Silencing Your Stories

I wrote a piece on my other page Sacred Journey Inward:

I am seeing the shift happening with women (and men). We aren’t silencing our traumas. We are healing through our words. The shame of old wounds is coming to light. We are releasing like never before.

I wrote this many years ago about my rape. I didn’t share with a single soul until only a few years ago. It has been 36 years since that moment that would forever change the way I saw intimacy. And it has been in the last few months that I have finally spoken about that event without guilt, shame or self-judgment. It was also my last marriage that brought so much to light and one of the reasons I had to end the relationship. My silencing was unacceptable. My inner pain was more than I could handle through lack of self-worth. There were too many variables the returned to that stranger degrading me and taking my innocence.

No mas! No more! There is a voice inside that will never shut up again. And, I am seeing it from children to the elderly. We are no longer in a time of pushing secrets under the rug or in closets….

for the rest of the share: https://www.sacredjourneyinward.com/blog/i-wont-tell-you

I love you!

Millie

You don’t get to leave here alive!

light on person

We as humans tend to beat ourselves up for things we’ve done in the past. We carry embarrassment, guilt and memories like a giant sack of potatoes across continents on our backs. Every so often we sit the sack down and let things go to no sooner pick it right back up with regrets, anger, resentments, and shame. Oh…that beautiful word called shame. No one seems to be exempt from it. We feed it, hate it, and give power to it above everything else at times. We create plays and dramatic events with Shame as the protagonist and the antagonist. It’s a one-man show!

The reality is that we all do stupid things. We all have had moments of carelessness, irresponsible behaviors, and absolutely no regard for our psyche. I have done things that have questioned my moral compass in the past. I have lied, cheated, drank way too much, taken drugs, slept with people I don’t even know their names, and have taken the most disgusting attitude condemning myself for it. I have self-sabotaged myself and relationships because I haven’t felt lovable or good enough. I had no value to my greatness for being alive. But see, the past is gone. I don’t live there anymore. Being on a spiritual path for the past few years has allowed me to let go of the shame and guilt for things that brought me here. I went from that point to this point. I wouldn’t change a thing. Being promiscuous, especially when dealing with a rape I didn’t address for 18 years, is one of those things that I’ve had to accept and let go. I don’t recall the fun in it now but I know that at the time it was an addiction of sorts. I did what I did on the down low without a single person knowing it. I purposely used sex and alcohol as an escape as well as a punishment. For years after my escapades I became numb with my partner. He went off to do his cheating and I didn’t do anything but excuse it as “I deserve this. Years ago I did this. Now it’s his turn.” Imagine the messed up psychological process behind it all. Imagine the stories I carried just because I thought I was not worth anything better!

My children, especially when I acquired all six of them, forced me to love harder. They took me out of my own existence and learned to love unconditionally. It was powerful. I still carried those sacks of regrets around the world but couldn’t focus on them as much because I had others depending on me. Self-sabotaging wasn’t soever present when they were growing up. I had no time for the nonsense. There were moments of doubts, depression, sadness, lack of worth, no self love…and always lurking in the distance the shame for not being a good human being. But, I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I was born to be a mother and that kept me going. I could love another like no one’s business. That, I could do and I was good at it. For the first time in my life I had something to give that didn’t require my past. My expectations of humanity were on the right track.

Ah…those expectations of being “a good human.” Who makes this up? Who determines our worth? Who says we are good or bad? Religion, politics, some council in the sky…I don’t know. I don’t know why we judge and criticize others based on what we truly don’t follow or understand. Our lesson here is to live and learn and evolve. How can we understand another when we don’t accept all that we are: the flaws, the mistakes, the wrong decisions…. We ARE humans. Humans get to mess up, hurt, hate, judge and criticize all they want…the problem is when it is done towards another without accepting their own imperfections.  Fear allows us to stay stagnant because what we don’t know we cannot accept.

If you want to live a life of authentic power you have got to let go of that sack. Drop it!!! Drop it right now. Stop punishing yourself. Stop the victimization. Stop the martyr-ship. Stop the insane self-sabotaging. Stop replaying the past. Aren’t you here because of it? Aren’t you evolving? Stop judging, projecting, criticizing others because of your own crap. You get to determine what happens now.

The other day when I visited a homeless shelter to drop off clothes and food I came across a young man. He was no older than my eldest son. He was lying on the cold gravel without a shirt and some raggedy shorts sucking on a candy. I asked him something and he was nasty. I remained kind with a “thank you.” He apologized. I asked if he needed anything and he replied that he was fine. He wasn’t fine. He was fractured, broken in pieces, and full of himself lying on a giant sack of shame. The rage, anger, and self hatred could be seen from the moon. I cannot judge this soul. I would have to condemn my own past and the times I thought I deserved nothing more than to live on the streets.  I could just as well been this guy, or the prostitute on the next street, or the drug addict down that same road.

What constitutes being human? What makes us good and lovable and righteous? What did I do to make the right choices? I believe I had good people who cared and showed me their love. In the end love has a lot to do with our choices in life. We all want love and appreciation. The lost and hopeless seem to have forgotten what those things are. I am always deeply touched by this lack of knowledge. We all deserve love, forgiveness, and acceptance. We are all part of this crazy and yummilicious human race.

Do yourself a favor…stop the self-sabotaging. Drop the past. Start today. You are beating yourself up for no reason but as punishment for what happened to you. You got raped, molested, beaten, abused, and whatever atrocity happened to you…guess what…here you are! Your parents didn’t love you or loved you too much and over-protected you. You got your ass beaten everyday for no apparent reason but because you were there. You lost all your belongings and monetary valuables. You lost your job. You got sick. You lost a limb, a breast, or whatever else you’ve encountered through disease. You lost your hope, your way, and your pride. You are here and you made it through the shit storm. You made it through all the horrific events. I am proud of you. Oh my God…I AM so deeply proud of what you have done with your existence. You are breathing, you are surviving, you are existing here on this marvelous earth. You get to decide what you will do from here on. You cannot continue to blame your ex, your friends, your parents or anyone else.  Find something outside of you to sustain you like the wisdom of divinity, faith, belief or whatever you want to call it.  Stand in your glory and light. Embark in the mysteries and mysticism of this light. Do not allow Ego to dictate your worth. Do not allow the media and others to put a price on you. Get out of your own way. Stand up! Stand in gratitude for all that you’ve overcome. Own your part in your drama. Be responsible for it all but let it go. Let…IT…GOOOOOO! No one can do this for you. You get to decide what you carry around. Stop the insanity and start loving all that you have become. Whatever you don’t like…damn it…change it! You are not a tree rooted to the earth waiting for someone to move you. After all, sweetheart, no one gets out of here alive. Not even YOU! I love you.

8 things a rape at 18 taught me in my 40’s

letting go of pain

It took years for me to openly discuss the violation of what happened to me at 18 when a man grabbed me, placing a knife to my neck, breaking my panty hose, raising my skirt, and fisting me while licking my face with spit and saliva. It took years to get his smell off me, his words out of my head, and feel that my vagina and all its parts were not dirty. To this day I can still be transported back to that moment when I smell bad breath or tooth decay in someone but it doesn’t affect me the way it did for so long.

I was 36 years old when I finally said it out loud. “I was violently raped. I am not disgusting. I am not unlovable. I am a sexy woman who had an experience that ultimately changed her life.” Like millions of others I have decided not to use it as a weakness. I survived that and many other events in this lifetime. It was in my forties that I began to embrace the lessons rape taught me.

  1. I had female issues all of my life. I had horrific periods, cysts, and breast problems. I had my uterus removed at age 39. And, even though I was done with having children after raising six of them, I still felt a loss. I was less of a woman. I began to think of my vagina and counterparts as a monster. My womanhood was a curse rather than a blessing. I couldn’t make peace with my sexuality. In my forties I began to feel like I had never felt before. I left a destructive relationship of many years that had continued the emotional abuse and manipulation that the rape had started. I began to embrace the woman without all the stigma I had attached to my femininity. Wisdom comes with age.
  2. I am not my body. I began to find spirituality, self-love and acceptance. Somewhere in my forties I didn’t think of the rape. I no longer had nightmares waking up in a cold sweat seeing the cratered-face man with curly hair coming after me with a knife. My worst fear had already happened. I wouldn’t attract that kind of behavior ever again through a constant fear based thought process. I would not be attracted to dominating narcissistic men. Whatever we give power and thought continues to unfold. We attract through fear.
  3. Something happens to people who have been abused: they begin to come across others. In my forties, after buying a retreat center with my best friend, I began to notice many women walking into our office with the same distinctive marking. I could tell by the body language that they had been molested or raped. There’s something left behind in an abused person. It’s a trademark that follows us around. Some people (men or women) allow the act to determine who they become. I have chosen to hold my head up high and not fear intimacy with anyone. The rape took my body, it destroyed my worth, but it also made me realize how compassionate people are with one another when I opened up.
  4. Rape is a physical act that heals but the mind shelters this and creates a victimization attitude. I am not a victim. I am a survivor. I shifted the perception of this violence. I also made sure that it did not lead my future relationships.
  5. I no longer use my body or my sexuality to entice someone. I didn’t really know what an intimate relationship was until my 40’s. It had less to do with sex and more to do with truth and openness. Making love was truly not a sexual moment but a transcending act between two souls.
  6. I forgave myself for what happened. For many years I believed that I got attacked because I was curious. I heard something fall behind the mail room in our office after hours on a Friday evening. I blamed myself for this curious gene until one day I came to realize that curiosity is not to be blamed. It happened. I survived. We are past this point of holding on to the past.
  1. Mind, body and spirit are united to carry us through everything we do in our time lines. The attacker was someone’s son. He once had a childhood. He was a miserable man who needed to take a woman’s power through abusive control. But, we will forever be connected because of that event. Our paths crossed through an inconceivable act and he might never think of that young woman exposed and raw but I have sent him love through many meditations when I feel my self-worth start to shake.
  1. Finally, I no longer walk around looking at everything around me. I am oblivious to my surroundings. I don’t think about it…I just move through life with a desire to love and enjoy others. I didn’t feel this in my 20’s or 30’s. I felt fragile even though I was strong and brave.

We all wear scars, some visibly while others deep seated inside our soul. Only we know of their existence. When we are ready to share with another the scars seem to heal slowly. Those scars are road maps to the past. They can guide us with strength onto the next journey. The scar from the violence at 18 sat in silence for too long. It wasn’t until I allowed the secret to come out that I began to heal. I choose not to play the role of victim but survivor. We all survive with dignity and carry those battle scars with pride, or we can play the martyr and victim creating a story for the rest of our life. There is nothing perfect in this world.

You are not your rape. No human being deserves the fear that lives after this atrocious event. The scars live inside. They heal. But, it’s up to you to truly let it go. Forgive yourself…forgive the person who stole a part of your essence. By forgiving the person you return to your power and authentic truth. You find purpose for living. They no longer have it. Also, there is no greater power than your word. Share with another. There’s no shame for what happened to you. I am a better person, courageous, and opened because of this act. Now in my late 40’s I realize how detrimental this crime was for me to become this woman. You are not your sex. You are your power.

Life is to be attended through the joy and contentment of this beautiful journey. In the end, those are the moments that will carry you through the path of least resistance. Find the balance between the past and the present. Today, you are magnificent because of the challenges, atrocities, and scars.

Mind-tripping Panic

Every few months I have a night full of nightmares.  As rational as I am, I wake up several times during the night sweating, in destitution, heart racing and with uncontrollable shakes.  I get lost in past violence where my body is taken from me and discarded as a rag doll.  Once I am awake I can gather my thoughts and try to go back to sleep to then (what seems ridiculously impossible) continue with the same dreams.  Last night was such a night.

My ex of 18 years used to wake up, a few times a year, in a panic thinking he was still in a Cuban prison from when he was in his early twenties.  The dreams would replay as if he was at the present time stuck in Cuba and couldn’t leave.  In complete disorientation he would wake up with severe muffles of terror.  He spent three years in a third-world-country prison for trying to flee the island on a tire tube.  He was found ten miles of shore.  This event would forever change him and detach his personality from truly allowing love, especially to himself.  Each time he had these horrific violent dreams I would try and soothe him.  Unfortunately when it was my turn to have my nightmares he would chuckle them up to, “Ay, mija (Spanish slang for dudette or along those lines) don’t worry!  It was only a dream.  It’s not real.”   I never once shared with him what the dreams were about but he never really asked.  He was too self-absorbed with his own head and his double life.

But, nightmares are not okay.  They aren’t supposed to be casted to the side immediately when we wake to terror.  I don’t mean relive them, but don’t discard them.  They serve their purpose.  Sometimes the subconscious is desperately trying to reach a place of rewiring.  Your spirit is working the kinks out so the fears of waking moments can find a place in peace.  We fear those things that terrorize us with reasons.  They become scars for life.  They permeate into the voice of paralysis in moments of letting go…such as in dreamland.

It takes me some time during the morning to ground myself from such violence and turmoil.  I breathe in.  I say prayers.  I ask God to protect me, and then immediately ask protection for my children.  There are monsters in this world.  There are horrendous events that can either turn us into victims or create us as survivors.  I am a survivor.  I tell myself this when the terror comes to morning light.  I am a better person for having gone through such events.  I am not going to chuckle them to, “It was only a dream.”  I have chosen to better myself because of that past.  We all have choices.  We survive via coping, allowing and faith.

We all carry some form of mind trip piggy-backing from the past.  Those are the events that show you how powerfully strong you are.  Surviving anything that forces you to touch the gateways of death pushes you to embrace life…to never take breathing for granted.   Those nightmares serve as a reminder that you are here.  You weathered the storms.  You overcame the inconceivable monstrous and dreadful events. Your spirit soars higher because of your perseverance.  Here you are!  Bravo to you, my friend, bravo!!!