I woke this morning and hit a wall (literally and figuratively). I was half asleep walking out of my room when out of nowhere the wall socked me on the forehead. I stood back and looked at it is dismayed. What the hell? I continued walking down the hall rubbing the spot like a magical lamp, waiting for a genie to pop out and grant me a wish. It was there and then I broke down. I sat at the kitchen table sobbing. My daughter returns today from seeing her father. She has been gone a whole week. The last time she visited him was last Christmas with her brother. When they returned my son decided he couldn’t live with me any longer. Things were promised to him that were beyond my reach. Now, I wonder how her behavior will be when I pick her up at the airport this evening. Will she find the grass is greener in Miami? She’s my last child, the baby of the family. I cannot give her the material things her father can. All I can give her is love and time. He has a way of facilitating love with money and substituting it for the absence of time.
I sat down holding my head between my hands. I can’t do this again! This is not something I do easily. I can’t fight the emotions that come up when I think of my children and how two of them have chosen to keep me out of their lives. I understand that they arrived later in age and never adjusted to having a structured family. Regardless of their choices I love them and hope one day they can accept my unconditional love as a guiding light. No matter what I do or say it will never be of their acceptance. The only thing I can do is remain distance and send prayers every day.
There are moments in our lives that require a good head knock. We are constantly going and going and going while avoiding the emotions. I spent the entire week of Thanksgiving avoiding emotions. Yesterday I got up, bundled tightly with warm clothes and trekked up a mountain. I walked the 3-1/2 miles with such speed that when I got to the top my hips ached with strain. Each movement required me to suck in the tears. I didn’t know how I was going to come back down another hour and a half. Something happened while I was on top of the world. I sat down on a boulder and stared at the view. I was closer to God. It was there that I realized what was bothering me so deeply, why I had been so moody for days, and why I was so overly sensitive. Heading back down, knees giving out every so often, pain on my hips causing a huge discomfort with the descending steps, I allowed myself the gift of meditating. Walking meditation has always been a powerful tool for me. I put my instrumental music on my IPOD and I don’t know how I made it back down. Before I knew it I was walking into my house.
This morning’s head smack allowed the pent up emotions to subside. This season of giving is not fun when the finances aren’t there. My daughter will return with an abundance of “things” that I can’t provide at the moment. Now with my head throbbing, my body aching from yesterday’s hike, I can’t fight the inevitable: I have to honor the rawness and ugliness of events from this past year. I sit with tears trailing down my face. All I have are prayers and faith that whatever happens is meant to happen. Love is a powerful emotion. It is strong in binding and letting go. Love requires the soul to surrender. Its only expectation is that you listen attentively to yourself. My ego has been non-stop bickering and all I can do now is sit patiently and allow whatever is meant to happen.
You, reading this, perhaps have gone through similar experiences. You are not alone in disappointments, hurt, betrayal, ugliness, judgment, bigotry and distrust. You aren’t alone on your walk. There is a point that we require peace with our mental stability. I have avoided going to see a therapist for almost a year. Today, the head banging knocked some clarity into my stubbornness. I am too far inside my own emotions to see the light. It is time. With the holidays upon us it is not the best time to go solo in testing my strength. My hippie-unicorn mentality can’t fix this imbalance alone. My wish for you is that if you are in a similar space that you accept someone to help you. It isn’t failure. It is about self awareness, surrendering and love. The hardest thing to do for most of us is ask for help. You are not alone…ever! Mucho love to you.