Simple Stroke of Luck

Thanksgiving Day 2014

I am a simple woman that expects miracles through hard moments.  I don’t always have the patience to wait but I do live my life knowing they arrive just at the exact timing I am about to give up.  These miracles come through people, things, synchronicities, and serendipitous events.  One thought ties the end of a universal cord.  This is called a blessing.  I am always asking God to please provide “this or better.”   I am always asking my guides, angels, and the Divine to be gentle with my teachings.  I see how difficult I’ve made it to learn gently in the past.  My “tenacity” (a.k.a. stubbornness) is not a fun characteristic.

For many years I had a vision, an idea, of what I wanted in a mate.  I wanted him to be above a certain height, intelligent, witty, non-judgmental of my spirituality, secure with his own life that he wouldn’t be jealous of my friendships, loving with my children, a comedian at heart, and many other little details that I wasn’t willing to settle without.  I would end my prayers with, “this or better, God!”  Somehow I got the better with my fiancé, Matt.  He is showing me every day what it is to have a real partner in life.  I am learning what it is to count completely on another.  He doesn’t push or pull.  He sits and waits for me to arrive at that place of vulnerability.

I have found an endless river of love flowing through us, sometimes not in the colorful composition I had envisioned because I had no live example for comparison.  Not everything is a Hallmark movie extravaganza but there is a miracle in his gentleness, acceptance, love and support.  Every day I see the truth that I am no longer swimming alone in this journey of life without a mate to reach and grab me.  I tend to forget that I can count on him.  I tend to bulldoze myself into a frenzy thinking I have to do things alone while not inconveniencing him.  He comes through and reminds me that we are a unit: in the good times and in the rough ones.  The past few months have been full of confirmations of his commitment.  There are no perfect souls who live in constant harmony.  We work at our flaws, traumas and constant lack of understanding for one another.  We are mirrors reflecting those issues that need forgiveness from past relationships.  I am forever astonished at the huge blessing of being able to unpack our previous baggage and make room to live together.  This union is a great mystery to me.   I no longer have my running sneakers around.  I know we are in this together for the long haul.  Neither one of us knows why we are with one another.  It’s baffling!

There are amazing mysteries in our universe:  the great pyramids, the Mayan calendar, the conscious mind, the cosmos, the beginning of time, parallel dimensions, how I raised my children pretty much on my own, and meeting this man.  These great mysteries aren’t meant to be solved.  They are as apparent as love out there in the world to ponder and accept.  We are constantly trying to solve the phenomenal things in life.  Some things aren’t meant to have specific reasoning.  Miracles happen every day.  We are born out of extraordinary paradoxes. We survive illnesses, near-death experiences, personal losses, and so many heart aches.  We come out from difficult situations and have no explanation for them…except that something greater than our humanness has intervened.  This is the miracle!  The mysteries of our existence lie in the knowing that there is something superior above all reasoning.  It is that knowing that gets us through the difficult times.  Some call it Christ, Buddha, God, the Divine, the Holy Mother, etc.  There are millions of names and expressions for this mystery in our existence.   There are millions of ways to perceive the lessons and the kind revelations.

I have stopped looking for that which cannot be understood (for the most part). I am trying to accept the inequalities with the ease of things, both in life and in our relationship.  I have been fortunate to entertain angels in all forms, shapes and sizes in my life.  I can’t imagine traveling through this next chapter of our lives without his support.  His loving gentleness with our baby girl melts my heart and when he’s not looking allows me to fall deeper into the truth of our partnership.  The evolution of my soul depends on those who touch me and this man is helping lead the way through the good, bad and in-between moments of this journey.

Reflections of Light


Carl Jung said, “We meet ourselves time and again in a thousand disguises on the path of life.” I am consciously aware of this statement. Our behaviors, actions, thoughts and a million other accounts intercept, connecting you and me as a reflection of one another. Our paths intertwine, cross and perhaps for a millisecond, touch. Many spiritual practices express the need to empty the mind, the baggage of the past, as not to burden or share our toxic waste with another when we are in the worst possible space in our lives. This is always a challenge. It becomes even more so when you are trying to stay on a high vibration (of joy and optimism) and someone with a lower negative one comes into your space. What does one do in order not to let their issues become yours? How can we remain in a place of compassion and not carry their issues? How can we truly help another unless we see ourselves through their eyes?

A wise friend several years ago shared a small lesson in how to deal with others. She said that we are all mirror images of one another reflecting the duality of darkness and light. The things that irritate me in someone else are usually things I need to look at and investigate in myself. If they didn’t become magnified through those annoying moments then there is nothing that pertains to me. The ego takes a beating when we start to be honest with our darkness. Egotism rises to a level that can create psychological fragments causing illnesses, depression, and disorders. No one ever wants to admit their ugliness, which is not monstrous…it’s part of our humanness teaching us through those emotions, actions, and lessons. The more we start digging in our psyche the angrier Ego gets. But, in order to see the true image in others with love (the good and the bad) one has to empty out the crap inside. It’s a must! It’s also work in progress. Just when you think you dealt with one trait…bang..another one comes up like a nasty pimple to the surface. My friend suggested to truly look at those qualities and imperfections with love. I believe in doing so we transcend to a place of oneness and unconditional acceptance. You don’t have to condone or take on their issues and behavior, but you can understand that they are parts pertaining to each of us.

We are all created in pure perfection of Divinity. There is no one less or more; exceptional or depleted; wiser or thoughtless. The spectrum of reality is all an illusion. We get to choose those parts in another, the disguises, that accommodate us well. I am learning that when someone’s costumes and drama brings out the worst in me I need to truly listen to what is not being said. I try to remain kind as much as possible. I don’t do confrontations. I refuse to be nasty, especially if that person is having a nasty moment. Two elevated-angry souls is a recipe for disaster. I often step back and watch the disguise peel off, the inner child evolving and standing naked, as the reality of what brought that moment hits the surface. I begin to see the reflection of me ego-less. I believe our oneness is what creates the whole of us…together in this small blue planet. I begin to witness life through a different lens. I am not having to remove myself completely or run from the situation. I can stand there in my nakedness as well and be vulnerable.

We really are not what happens to us along the way. We are every decision we choose to believe and accept. We are unfinished compositions of art painted through love, strokes of genius, and divine colors of light. Let the light in you always reflect the light in me. I have to remember that we are always staring at mirrors of the inner child. And, what do children love more than anything? To love, laugh, and play! Love and light, my friends!

Humanity is Tough

This morning I went to get some candles at a store and no sooner did I walk in that a friend called to meet for lunch.  As I was rushing to exit the store I saw this frail older woman looking at towels by the registers.  I passed her but as I got to the sliding glass doors I was drawn to turn around and go speak with her.  I touched her lightly on her arm, “You are such a beautiful woman.  I am drawn by your light.” In total shock and dismay she looked at me and began to cry.  She couldn’t speak.  I continued while reaching for her hands, “I know you must have looked at yourself in the mirror today and spoke to your image very negative ‘cause that’s what we do, but you are stunning!  I hope you see the delightfulness of your being.”

After she composed herself she began, “I am not half the person I used to be.  A year ago this month I had cancer and my intestines have been chopped off.  I’ve lost over 50 lbs.  Chemo has basically killed me.  I am a walking cadaver.  I am not a young woman and I feel even older than what the image in the mirror tells me.”  I began to cry.  Her words carried such loss, desperation, and a complete lack of faith.  “I shouldn’t be here right now.  I’ve passed my expiration date and cannot understand why I am still here.”

I hugged her tightly and said, “Oh my God, what an amazing and magical opportunity to live life to the fullest.  What an incredible journey full of endless possibilities.  Here you are standing in your glory looking all glamorous with an angel by your side.  What an amazing way to take the world by storm because you have been given a second chance.”  She looked through her tears and smiled gasping for more words.

“Thank you!  Thank you for saying this on a day that I felt was my last.  Lately that’s all I am doing is waiting on death to come get me.  I came to this store to distract my thoughts and here you are telling me such beautiful things.”  We both hugged and cried.  She asked me for my name and I just answered, “It doesn’t matter.  I am you.  You are me.”  Quickly I remembered that my friend was in the parking lot waiting for me.  I kissed her hand, rubbed her face with tenderness and exited.  I was so moved into overwhelming sorrow that my friend thought something had happened to me in the store.

We are a tough bunch.  We are harder on ourselves than others.  We are given a zillion chances to see the positive light of hope, and yet, even with scares and obstacles that we overcome through grace we still decide to live in the past of sorrow.  Our humanity has such rough edges.  We don’t stop to touch another with a gentle word or a smile.  Half the time we rush around like if we were in ant colony looking for food.

Now hours later I think of this broken soul.  I came home and lit a candle for her.  She was my teacher today.  A total stranger lifted my hope, grace, and love.  I’ve been her many times.  We all have had moments of pure desperation, thinking of checking out, rushing out of this world to something calmer to find peace.  She will never know what that conversation meant to me.  I only hope she finds the strength to look inside herself and explore that light that is casting out into this world.  That’s really all that matters.  We are reflections of one another.  In the end all we have is our humanness that connects us to divinity. We are never ever, ever alone.


Reading a wonderful book today I recalled a memory that seemed to come out of left field.  It had nothing to do with what I was reading, yet I sat looking at the sun melt the snow on the deck while returning to 2008.  I had just remodeled my kitchen in Orlando and was making homemade French onion soup, carefully sautéing the onions while my children waited impatiently for dinner.  The phone rang and my sister shared that my mother had cancer and that it had spread to her lungs.  She had just returned from the doctor and the prognosis was not good. She would die in a few months. I didn’t understand what she was saying. My mother had already been cleared of cancer for several months.  I stood there moving the onions in the pan, the smell infusing with thoughts and the misunderstanding of what I was hearing from her.  I kept saying with each addition of detail, “I’m not understanding what you are saying!  (As she continued to repeat the same message) I will call you back later.”  I hung up the landline and my ex asked what happened.  In my state of denial and rejection for bad news I answered, “Something about Mom having cancer again.  I don’t think that’s right. God only knows what is really happening. ” I kept on cooking, stirring the broth, seasoning the pot.  I stood there in my beautiful new kitchen wondering what else I needed to make before setting the table.  Grief becomes a game between highs and lows, denial and acceptance.  The sorrow didn’t hit me for days, weeks perhaps, and the affirmation that my 82 year old mother was not immortal.  Since that day I’ve never cooked French onion soup again.

Why did this memory visit today?  I don’t know.  I believe it has to do with letting go, the admission and gaining of spiritual truth as I continue to clean the imbalance and metaphysical stagnation in me.  This is happening lately with thoughts coming and going; memories visiting and leaving without emotions; and the honoring of what is and isn’t working in my life.  But grief…well, that’s one of those that arrives with beautiful messages lately.  In the face of grief we become helpless, often tittering on hopeless wonder.  Death is not the only catalyst for grief: the ending of relationships, careers, finances, spiritual growth, and an array of life changes.   In all senses grieving is a must.  Where there is exhilaration there is the opposite of sorrow.  Duality exists.  We are made of it.

As I allowed the scene to unfold I caught the clarity of light on the pond, dancing with the wind while creating little diamonds on the water.  I smiled wiping away the soft tears in fallen reflections.  Grieving parts make a whole because you are never at a complete loss of those things or people.  They live through memories so vibrantly.  You can choose to relive the sorrowful parts and then move on to the joyful ones.  The more aware you become of thoughts, memories, moments and being present the easier it is to allow the visit of each emotion.  Honor them.  Sit with them in grace.  Allow them to enter those rooms that you have shut tightly.  Nothing lasts forever, even those fears that paralyze the spirit momentarily.  They shape us into depth, softening edges, and growing closer into Divinity.  Discarding those parts of life create stagnation.  Don’t let them end up in a land field of regrets!

~ The Sky is Everywhere~ (by Jandy Nelson)

“grief is a house
where the chairs
have forgotten how to hold us
the mirrors how to reflect us
the walls how to contain us

grief is a house that disappears
each time someone knocks at the door
or rings the bell
a house that blows into the air
at the slightest gust
that buries itself deep in the ground
while everyone is sleeping….”

Lovely Because of You

field of dreams

Not long ago
I met you
way out in a field
in flowers of mystery,
and awe-stricken belief.

They were colored
in delicate shades

of grace,
love and hope.

We sat on a giant
next to a waterfall
and your hand
grabbed mine
the very core
of us.

And, to look into
your eyes
I witnessed myself
with all the Beauty
you see
in things

I neglect

of myself.

We left the forest
filling wishes
and memories
as I returned
to the place
of waking dreams
without you
but a handful of
perceptions left
from my travels…

I am lovely because of you.

Piercing Thoughts

explosion on the mountain

I looked outside on this beautiful cold November day at the many naked trees.  Leaves are falling fast.  The forest is starting to look bare across our pond.  In the process of it getting there I see how simple things make my life worthwhile.  It is those sweet fundamental moments of being present on my deck staring at nature that ground and comfort me.  I enter a place of divinity.  Call it meditation, prayer, contemplation or a visit from a muse.  These are the moments that make me come to the realization I am content on this mountain top.  I have been healed from the past.  Shortly thereafter I took a hike and sat on my favorite rock overlooking the valley.  All you can see is the colors of fall exploding everywhere.  I had a moment of laughter while remembering a recent story from my friend down the street.

Our neighbor’s little girl, Sophia, is 7 years old.  The other day Nichole and Sophia went to the mall.  When they passed a jewelry store Sophia asked if she could get her ears pierced.  Then she asked her mother if it would hurt.  Nichole explained to her that it hurts just a little bit.  She then remarked, “I think I will wait till I am 10.  By then I will have been used to a lot more hurt and pain.”  This coming from a seven year old!  How well we perceive our lives in the future.

When I was in my twenties I swore I had to rush and get the raising of children and career on track.  I wasn’t going to live past 40.  Forty seemed like a doomsday apocalyptic date.  I rushed through everything: money making careers, real estate, children, and anything that would leave a legacy of who I had been for forty years to those I loved.  I also thought that by the time I was forty all the hurt and pain would be something I be used to.  In a way I guess I prophesied it.  At forty I died psychologically and spiritually.  I left everything behind.  The hurt and pain I had endured seems now overwhelming.  I manifested that specific date in my timeline to end a life I had created.

I laugh now because of how we create our thoughts.  Manifestation is a powerful tool.  Whether we project it for goodness and goal-filled venues, or set a negative output for the future, the outcome is still the same.  That which you give thoughts to will materialize!  You become what you think.  Our thoughts make, create, and even break us.  I repressed everything I did not want by projecting it into the future.  Had I dealt with the issues at the time I would have been a different person.  This is who I am today because of the power of manifestation.

I have always kept a visual journal for the things I want.  They are filled with pictures of places and things I desire.  Funny thing is that I forget about these journals and in time I look back to realize I have received everything I wanted (sometimes much better than I imagined). We are co-creators and participants in the stories of our lives.  When I projected that I would die at forty I wasn’t far off from the vision.  I am a completely different person in my spiritual, emotional, and psychological path.  And, just like Sophia I knew I would be able to handle the hurt and pain better at that age.  I am fortunate to be able to understand that pain is inevitable.  We learn with it, through it, and because of it.  I no longer need to project it.  It gets dealt with immediately.

Don’t allow repressed pain and hurt to dictate how it will play in the future.  Let it go now and be in the presence of simplicity.  As we pass through our obstacles and challenges there is a need to react and accept that everything will be okay. It is always okay even if the pain is just from getting your ears pierced at seven. favorite rock

The Temple

templeHow fortunate to have front seat

as the faithful congregation enters

this evening time outside my window.

The Temple buzzes with energy

serenaded and saluted by Earth

swimming in reflections of mysticism.

I watch God enter

as shadows cast aside

the light moving

through trees,




and soil

manifesting creation

one second at a time.

This is my religion

witnessed by the movement

of life


transforming outwardly

into you,


and the consciousness

of One.