Take the Chances

On January 21, 2019 By Moments with MillieIn Essay4 Comments

At the end of your life you will not regret the lack of another degree, not having bought the little red sports car, not getting that expensive house, not having enough money in the bank. You will regret not having spent more time in nature, holding a friend’s hand in need, missing your child’s recital, not taking walks with your love. You might feel ashamed for the time not spent with Divinity, kisses from your children, hugs from your parents, and sweet words from a lover. You will wonder why you didn’t sit and relaxed more, breathed the earth deeply, and allowed each moment to count. The things most important in life have nothing to do with money, winning, status or work. They have to do with love, sharing and other moments invaluable to your spirit. The first and only person you need to answer to is yourself. Give each moment the degree of importance it needs to be cherished and enjoyed. Be present in your conversations, visits, and life. Take those chances and live your life with fierce love. For yourself and for everyone you meet.

Letting Go

On June 21, 2018 By Moments with MillieIn Essay9 Comments

This morning I visited an elderly client with dementia who is very sick at the hospital. She’s dying. When I walked in she smiled. I asked her if she knew who I was.

She said, “Of course. I’ve been waiting for you. I’m your favorite. I’ve never been anyone’s favorite before.”

I smiled and hugged her, kissing her forehead, “Yes you are, darling. You are my favorite.”

I sat next to her and held her hand. We spoke of many intimate things. I asked if she had regrets, if she needed to forgive anyone? For all humanitarian concerns she has not been a good person. I didn’t know her until a few months ago, but I know part of her history. I see an elderly woman, weighing less than 75 lbs. but in her life she created a lot of hurt, chaos and destruction. But, lying in that bed, she’s a little elderly soul ready to transition.

“I do have regrets. I’ve been a nasty woman. I have done horrific acts!” Her eyes watered.

I patted her hand with mine. “I know what we can do today. We can forgive together. We can hold each other in grace and let go of things. Do you want to let go of all that?”

“Oh, I do. I just don’t know how to.” She laid her head back on the pillow and closed her eyes. I held my tears inside hoping not to show how her brokenness felt in my chest.

So we sat there in silence for a bit. I moved to her bed and sat at her feet rubbing her legs. I waited. Eventually she broke the silence letting me know that life was hard and she was ready to go. I told her I saw her. I felt her. I knew her pain. I told her that I loved her for who she was at that moment. I didn’t care what she did before this time. She said that this was why she liked me…why she was waiting on me. (I don’t know who she thought I was or who she was waiting on but we had an appointment with Source).

I asked her if I could take a picture of her hand because it reminded me so much of my mother’s. That touched her to tears. She asked about my mother. I told her the good parts… the memories that have allowed me to be a good mother myself, the bits and pieces of compassion and love…. She smiled and thanked me.

Together we held each other until I had to leave. She thanked me. She held my embrace and I told her if she had to “leave” that I would remember her for her honesty and her ability to show up in my presence.

Because, really, isn’t that what we all want to be remembered for…to show up through love. What was done yesterday will not fill us today. Allow divinity to heal those wounds. Start new. I love you.

Illumination

On December 21, 2017December 21, 2017 By Moments with MillieIn Essay1 Comment

light

Yesterday I acquired a new elderly client. I went to the facility to meet him, sit with him, and hear his story. He is a sweet gentle man. Gentle beyond words! As we sat in the neatest and orderly room he shared tidbits of his life…sometimes forgetting details which he would apologize for. I reached over to his hands several times guiding him forward. Dementia is brutal when you are still aware that it’s happening.

He spoke of his wife and how she was the most remarkable woman he had ever met. He spoke of his children and the loss of one of them. He mentioned his career. And, in between the sentences, the gaps in memory, he allowed me to see the man he was and is today. He lives with regrets which are clearly seen in his demeanor. He is a man of faith but that can only take you so far if you don’t forgive the past.

I drove home thinking about my own life and how I want to remember it in my later years. I caught myself crying at a light. Took me by surprise. I am way too emotional at times and my heart cracks open with each story I get to collect. I tend to them with care and learn the underlining meaning of what another can transport to me. I made a list of how I want to end this journey.

At the end of my life I want to look back and remember the magic I created. I want to have full awareness of how I walked the earth and all the teachers who touched me on this journey. I don’t want to beat myself up for not having a perfect body, for not making everyone happy, for not keeping some folks around, for not having done more, for not being enough….

I want to smile and recall the joy the world brought me. I pray to always acknowledge the love that was created. I want to look at the rear view mirror of my adventure with awe-stricken wonder for raising my children, loving wholeheartedly every one without judgment.

My only goal in life is to have no regrets, forgive… especially myself, and keep an open heart till my last breath. I want to make it a lifelong expedition to be led by all the light and stay in it until I become stardust again. And even then I hope that sparkles come from the smallest particle of earth guiding me to the next place.

Live Fully

On December 15, 2017 By Moments with MillieIn Essay3 Comments

Sometime ago I read somewhere that studies showed Dementia and Alzheimer’s were linked to regrets and living an unfulfilled life. When I look back at the folks in my life who have suffered I can see this to be true.

Last night I was at one of the elderly facilities attending a Christmas party and being with my sweet clients. I shared a table with a kind Alzheimer’s patient and her sister. The sister and I spoke a lot about the disease. She told me that her sister was diagnosed at the age of 55 and progressively got worst in a short time.

I asked her if her sister had a rough life…if her personal story was painful. Her eyes grew wide and she said, “Yes! She had a truly abusive husband and a very difficult life.”

I shared with her what I have witnessed in the years overseeing elderly folks with Dementia and Alzheimer’s Disease. I told her about the study I had read years ago and how I can see the relationship between having unfulfilled lives and regrets. The mind starts to shut down. During all of this my client was in and out of her anxiety with so many people and I kept bringing her back to the moment with touch and lots of love.

I opt to live this life to the fullest. Because…it never fails….Whenever I enter a facility to visit an elderly person I recognize regrets staring back. I hear stories through their loss of reality and watch the expressions of souls who are just waiting for death. In their dying bed I have seen the anger and frustration of past experiences and all the should’ve, could’ve, and would’ve done statements. It puts life in a different frame of mind. Regrets, resentments, bitterness, loss, and unfulfilled dreams are on top of the lists of those histories. Stories get told and relived with sorrow and sadness. They return to those parts of their lives over and over like some distressed time machine. It’s horrific to witness. I have seen it in my own family members and recognize that the unfulfilled life, never following their dreams, and regrets have stolen their minds.

I make sure I release any resentments, anger, regrets and unforgiving crap. I don’t carry that on my spiritual body. I know Alzheimer’s and Dementia can derive from other issues such as vascular disease, viral infections and other matters. But, if I can release and surrender the past to help establish a health mind…by God, I will do that.

If I am to live a healthy life with full capacity of my mind, I will do anything to make sure I live to the fullest. Circumstances aren’t always available. Challenges rise and fall. Love comes and goes. Hurt breaks the heart and then repairs. I haven’t much on any list of things I care to do that I haven’t done. I choose to love fully. Live openly. Laugh every day. And treat strangers as old friends. No regrets. No resentments. I choose to be present to the best of my ability. It’s a matter of being mindful. I expect to go into old age with my full wits of sarcasm and memories.

I have seen too many loved ones with Dementia and Alzheimer’s to know I will do what it takes to enjoy this life. It might not always be comfortable but that’s also a matter of perception. I get to decide what I hold on to and what I let go. Letting go is on my priority list. Forgiveness and love are the healing qualities that bring me back to a harmonious body.

Now you. You get to decide what you hold on to and hurt you, or what you release and see as beautiful life lessons. You get to use your superpower of love and forgiveness. You get to adjust your perception of what is and what isn’t.

Enjoy your life, darlings. This is a gift every single day. It doesn’t have to be so hard. It just has to be lived.

Mucho love ~ Millie

Regret Nothing

On July 12, 2017 By Moments with MillieIn Essay4 Comments

Regrets!!!! Yeah, that little word that holds the past prisoner: What you didn’t do; What you left unsaid; What you could’ve, should’ve, and would’ve done. The reality is that each challenge and obstacle molded you to who you are right now.

Why the regrets? Why the soul torturing of stuff you cannot change?

Because time ticks and waits for no one or nothing. Because great experiences “might” appear in the future but your only reference to what has happened is in the past.

Several years ago I wrote over a dozen letters to people I thought I had hurt. And those I didn’t hurt I wanted to clarify that I was having to let them go in order to heal. I received beautiful responses, even though I expected none, all but two folks. I didn’t do it to get answers. I wrote in order to move on and I did. I regret nothing of things I’ve done. I only regret, every so often, having left important words unsaid. And to this moment there is only one person I hold with that and soon that, too, will be clarified. It’s a huge part of my life. It’s been something brewing for over twenty-five years. There is no regret, but the acceptance that things need closure.

I don’t understand when someone starts on the “I regret this or that. I am too old for my dreams. I wish I had said that or this to that person….”
If you are breathing, you can still do everything you claim you could have done. And if the person is gone, still voice it out. The act of forgiveness isn’t for them. It’s for you! Dreams do not care about your age or the tenacity of your bones.
Darlings, regret nothing. Allow those things in the past to be mile markers for huge transformations.

I embrace my stupid mistakes. I recognize how far I’ve grown. I am grateful there was no cellphones with camera back then. I look back and laugh at how I am still alive. I was responsible, but ohhhh so reckless. Youth was wasted on my inability to see clearly. Lol.

So go out into the freaking delicious world and do the things you wanted. Do the things that scare you. Make things happen and sparkle. If you can’t do them then do something else. You ain’t done until you stop breathing.

Now I must go collect my industrial size glitter into my car and start sprinkling some joy around like confetti. Apparently there seems to be a deficit these days with all this regret crap going on….

Mucho love, y’all!

Live without regrets

On March 31, 2017 By Moments with MillieIn Essay7 Comments

If you get anything from what I share I hope you get this:
Sometime ago I read somewhere that studies showed Dementia and Alzheimer’s were linked to regrets and living an unfulfilled life. When I look back at the folks in my life who have suffered I can see this to be true. SO…I opt to live this life to the fullest. My birthday month starts Saturday and, as every year, I make sure to honor my existence by doing something new every single day of the month. It’s the simple things like taking a road never traveled or eating something I’ve never tried or even learning a new word in a different language. I make a point to fulfill every day with an extra oomph of presence. By the time the last day in April arrives I am totally wiped out of ideas. April becomes the longest month of the year and I love that.

Whenever I enter a facility to visit a sweet elderly person I recognize regrets staring back. I hear stories through their loss of reality and watch the expressions of souls who are just waiting for death.

Regrets, resentments, bitterness, loss, and unfulfilled dreams are on top of the lists. Stories get told and relived with sorrow and sadness.

I have seen too many loved ones with Dementia and Alzheimer’s to know I will do what it takes to enjoy this life. It might not always be comfortable but that’s also a matter of perception.

Now you. You get to decide what you hold on to and hurt you, or what you release and see as beautiful life lessons.

Enjoy your life, darlings. This is a gift every single day. It doesn’t have to be so hard. It just has to be lived. Mucho love ~ Millie

Java Journal

On March 5, 2017 By Moments with MillieIn Essay11 Comments

A few weeks ago I was in Starbucks writing in my journal. Two gentlemen came and sat right across from me. They began chit-chatting, opened up their bibles and began to share scripture. I kept on writing but their voices began to echo through me. It was a busy morning in there but somehow I could feel and hear all they were discussing even when I tried to block it out.

I stopped writing. I closed my eyes and with full abandonment entered their world.

One said to the other, “The Lord will forgive you. He will have mercy upon us. Christ won’t hold this against you or me because we are walking the righteous path….” More scripture was recited. I began to stare away from them out the window, pen in hand, waiting for my heart to stop beating so tightly against my chest.

They shared a lot of intimate moments and experiences for a while. One man cried, the other got up, walked around the table and hugged him. There, in the middle of a busy shop. No one noticed. The man wiped the tears away and sat down. The other sat in silence for a moment gathering his will to continue the conversation.

The story was not unlike another. I get to witness many of these, whether I am being told the stories or I am partaking from a distance. But, what I found interesting was the way they had used religion to mask their love affair. They spoke of their wives and children. I wanted to reach over to them, hold both their hands and tell them that they hold the key to changing their struggle and heartache. I wanted to hug them, look at them, see them, listen attentively, and let them know they weren’t alone and Christ doesn’t punish for loving anyone. And, if they needed to finally be happy freedom and truth needed to be addressed.

But, this wasn’t my story.

But, this is a story of hurt and confusion. It’s a story of living under erroneous pretenses. It’s a story of pretending and not pretending; loss and gain; faith and guilt. I had to take a few deep breaths while trying to hold my tears. I was paralyzed in that chair, feeling these two souls whose lives were better because of each other but also tragic because of their circumstances. I ached deeply for these strangers while feeling their love and admiration for one another.

And…there…right there…in that coffee shop everything evolves and resolves. I left them still reading to each other, fighting their desires, attempting to tackle their faiths while denying what was real.

We all fight something, right? We all have little secrets at times that eat us and shame us? Nothing is perfect. So if you love, please love harder. If you are miserable, please adjust your motives and find a plan. Challenges and obstacles rise to show us our strengths. Life is too short to feel shame, guilt, resentment and become bitter because you can’t change things right at this moment. Love openly and fully. Say your ‘I Love You’s’ as much as possible. Nothing lasts forever…

Choose Your Journey Into Love

On December 31, 2016December 31, 2016 By Moments with MillieIn Essay4 Comments

I recently read Kerry Egan’s book, On Living. Egan is a hospice chaplain and her insightful stories of her patients and the things that are important in our life is magnificent. Actually that word is an understatement. I was glued to each word, paragraph and page. It made me gasp several times with awareness, heartache and joy. This little glimpse into ordinary lives, with extraordinary stories, will remind you why we are here and how not to take things for granted.

Having been around folks with dementia, terminal illnesses, dying individuals of all kinds, I understand that the transition from this world is always challenging. The five plus years of owning a motel/retreat center allowed me to visit with some incredible folks from all walks of life. I witnessed the essence of the human spirit. I noticed that every single person can have four basic experiences in those lonely moments when they know death is near: Regrets, Nostalgia, Fear, and Shame. I have witnessed it over and over. Life becomes a delicate dance with the unknown and time seems to never be on their side.

I’ve heard stories from family members, friends, and strangers. The dying, most times, isolate experiences in order to leave a legacy behind. They magnify events. They idolize others. They share secrets on their dying moments in hope of being released from shame and humiliation. They want to be heard and understood and forgiven. We all want to be acknowledged for our lives. At the end of the journey we want to know that we mattered. We want to believe we did the best we could without hurting our loved ones. We want to be loved. We want to know that someone will miss us because we were important.

Throughout the book the author takes you on a small voyage into the lives of some beautiful souls in her care. She shares her own shame and guilt from an experience that changed her life. She is able to take the reader through a mirage of emotions that is recognizable to all. I don’t care what your belief system entails, this book will touch a part of your truth and humanity.

The human spirit is absolutely beautiful. The things we hold and treasure; the events that change us; the things that bring us joy and sorrow; the greatest loves that touched us; the regrets for not moving past fear…and so on…create the composition of who we are. We, as spiritual beings, are created from a source so bright but we forget to shine. The things we hold inside are the things that keep us prisoners or in some cases allow us to fly freely. It all depends on the type of life you have lived.

I love this passage:

“What if the thing you consider to be your greatest accomplishment is not seen that way by anyone else? What if the thing you are proudest of is also the thing that you are most ashamed of? What if your great love is also your deepest secret?

People keep secrets in a desperate and often ultimately futile attempt to protect themselves or the people they love. They thing that the secret will be a bulwark against rejection and public humiliation, and so they carry it, no matter the weight. In so many cases, people keep secrets and even lie to each other out of love, and not malice.

What they may not realize is that in holding on so fiercely to what they see as shameful secrets, they’re actually strengthening that system of shame. Keeping a secret is like fertilizing a weed, and the family secrets that fertilize shame choke out love before it can even grow. The secrets themselves, instead of protecting anyone from shame, become a source of it instead. Shame is the enemy of love; it can never serve it.”

I read a lot of books, but this one touched me deeply. I love stories about the human spirit. I was inspired to reach into my own collective memories and find the stories from so many folks who have shared their journey with me. I feel a book being created.

May this new year allow you the freedom to let go of all that keeps you in a prison of emotional turmoil. May you find joy, wisdom, forgiveness and an exceptional amount of endless love. I see you…I feel you…I know a part of you because we are all interconnected through the Divine essence called Love.

See you on the other side. I love you!!!!

Find Joy in Your Life

On November 7, 2016November 4, 2016 By Moments with MillieIn Essay5 Comments

The absence of proof is not necessarily proof of any evidence. You want to hold certainty in your hands and it can’t be done. It’s not available. The proof of life is in living and being aware of your humanness.

Imagine: You lie dying on a bed. Do you speak about politics, religious indifference, race or cultural issues? Nope! You speak about loved ones. You tell stories of your lovers and spouses. You share about your childhood. You do not listen to this timeline full of sensational news. You don’t care what is happening out there. You want to know about places far and wide that you didn’t get to visit. You express your love of sunrises, fast cars, delicious food and beautiful company. You marvel at the journey, often with regret and other times with admiration. Politics, war, injustice and indifference do not matter at this time. They are not held captive in your presence.

Why? Why do we give so much energy to those things that will not reside in later years when we will be ready to transition into death?

Make your thoughts count. Create energetic moments that will transcend your existence when you are in your last breath. You are a creator of your reality. At the end of your life you will remember the first pretty girl you kissed, the puppy you got that Christmas, the horse ride you took in the trip, the way your child felt upon your chest…. You will not care how much money you owed or if you cleaned under the bed or if there is expired food in the pantry. Life is a precious commodity so use it for greatness. Make moments count so that when you are ready to embark into the light you will feel joy and not sorrow; love and not hatred, admiration and not regrets.

Go be happy. Fake it till you make it if you must. But, remember that you decide how you feel and react to everything that happens around you. Don’t keep waiting for a tomorrow that might never arrive.

Have a blessed day y’all! Mucho love!

Secret to life

On June 9, 2016 By Moments with MillieIn Poetry2 Comments