Song of love

song of love

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Love Letter

In the midst of all turmoil
I find love folding over us
like a love letter
sealed with a kiss
and fragrance with
the sweetest smell of lust.

I find your words wrapped
around my skin
in continuous poetic phrases
savoring my very essence.

I find your tongue licking
my paragraphs and whispering
sweet and dirty nothings
before signing your name
on my back
and folding me in tiny pieces
to carry in your pocket.

A Date

I would like to make a date

to kiss you,

to inhale your smile,

and swallow your laughter.

I want an invitation

to travel from your head

down to your feet

in some utter delight

using you as

the vehicle

to come and go.

 

I wish for a rendezvous

to whisper

in the darkness

and the light

in those moments

when I stare into your eyes

as they flutter to my knowing.

 

I want a date to give

and take

and be again

in the euphoria

of our union

because true love stories

never end.

Knots of Humanity

knots-of-humanity

 

 

 

I.
You.
They.
We all.

There’s no mistake
in color, shape,
geography, religion,
preferences, belief….
The same spec of dust
from the beginning of time
runs through
veins, heart, consciousness,
lifeline and lifetimes
in each of us.

I love YOU
in loving me.
There’s no accident,
only the synchronicity
of our union
through the nothingness
and the knowing —
Or the never meeting
except within
the same air passing
through our lungs,
the same moon
guiding our nights,
And
the same sun witnessing
the birth of a new day.

Life is the thread
that keeps us tied
in the perfect knot
to the All of divinity.

Thank you,
Thank YOU,
THANK YOU!

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Truly Listen to Another

listen

For the major part of my adult life I have rarely heard when someone has told me who they are.  If you really listen to a stranger, a new person in your life, the beginning of a romantic relationship, you will find that they DO tell you who they are…for the most part (some folks are mentally ill and cannot decipher personality traits from their disorder).  Sometimes it isn’t verbal but through events and actions that leave you flabbergasted with questioning, “WTF?”  The fixer in me was always trying to take them by the hand and shake all those negative ideas of themselves.  I wanted to show them what I was seeing.  I wanted them to live to their highest potential of what I THOUGHT was correct.  This is complete and utter b.s. and arrogance.

A few years ago I dated a wonderful man, very briefly, for a few weeks.  On our first hike he kept stopping as we were trekking up this steep mountain terrain and laying down everything that was him.  He basically gave me a rundown of the things that were acceptable, who he was, what he would put up with, and so many other small fragments of his personality.  When we reached the summit I was truly exhausted but so relieved.  He showed me that hour the person he was and I truly listened.  I am so glad I did, because a few days later, in my need to bring out the best in another to my convenience, he stopped me again and reminded me how he laid it all on the line.  He was right.  He was one of the best teachers I’ve ever had in a relationship.  And, although our time together was brief, it was a powerful lesson in listening to another when they tell you who they are.  They know themselves better than anyone.

This relationship taught me about the art of setting boundaries and not getting lost in another person.   It allowed me to step back and watch the past pattern of behavior in wanting to bring another human being into my life to fit perfectly.  In my oblivious state of mind, which is a trait I cannot change, I saw the beauty and perfection of him.  But, relationships take time to evolve, and he fought me from the beginning.  He wasn’t going to change in his early fifties.  He was and is the best version of himself.  Together we would have been the ultimate disaster.  And…knowing this from early on saved us both a lot of grief.

I am aware that people have a diverse multitude of personalities.  They will show different sides to their convenience.  Some people cannot reach the emotional state early on, or ever. I understand that it takes time to learn the truth in another.  Hopefully they know their truth because some folks are just clueless!  This beautiful person showed me to look at myself and be honest with another from the very beginning.  I have taken it upon myself to do just that.  What you see is what you get.  There’s no hidden agenda.  I learned to be upfront in future relationships.  I learned to share my abilities, faults, flaws, and the things I will not tolerate.

Listening with my head rather than my heart, for a little while, allowed me to detach the desire to have a man in my life and see who he really was from the beginning.  I loved that about him.  And, throughout the years in our friendship we have always been to the point with one another.  It’s beautiful to be among a person who knows his truth.

Do yourself a favor and never ignore the words and actions from another when beginning any kind of relationship or friendship.  When someone tells you who they are listen with your mind and an open heart.  Divine guidance is there in those moments that speak truth.  And…always be honest with your feelings.  If it doesn’t feel right…drop it quickly.  You come first and foremost.  Have a blessed day.

Life Surrounded by Hope

hope

Long ago in the midst of a horrible separation I wrote my ex a letter in Spanglish expressing how I felt during the many years of our union.  In those days I took very little responsibility for what I brought into that relationship.  It was easier to blame him for most of it. It was comforting to tell the stories of victimization and believe I had no handle in things.  I am embarrassed to say that my ego was huge.  It was arrogance and an unwillingness to take participation in the choices I had made.  In this letter I expressed that Hope was a thing of the past.  I, in full blown sarcasm, told him that Esperanza (which is Hope in Spanish) was an old woman living in Peru on some mountain, and that she didn’t live in our relationship anymore.  Hope was not available. The blame from both of us was atrocious.  It was disturbing how at one time we might have gotten the magic and then 18 years later it was nowhere to be found.  Infidelities and other distrusting behaviors had sent “Esperanza” somewhere back to South America.  Whether he got the sarcasm or read between the lines of so much hurt, is beyond me.  I wrote the letter in Spanish and in parts that had no translation I stuck with English.  At this point I could have used a billboard to express how I was feeling and it would not have mattered.  We were past the point of reconciliation and respect.  The he-said-she-said game was well-past due.  The hurt was astronomical.

These days, years later, I try desperately to find grace and hope living in my heart.  When I make a mistake I step back and try to take accountability for it.  I am still human and ego is still very present.   The only difference now is that I am grateful for the lessons that come my way.  Esperanza has returned to my life.  She lives deeply in the corners of my home, heart, and relationships.  Esperanza had to disappear in order for me to learn those things that needed to be ingrained.  The universe whispered a lot in those days.  Then it would speak louder.  Finally, when it would scream I was physically in danger.  It took a lot of physical power to get me to listen.  My tenacious and stubborn ways have been the biggest personality downfall.  I am gentler with my spirit now.

The truth is that Hope never left my side.  Hope was there when I signed over my half of the company to him; when I sold everything to leave my home; when I abandoned our beautiful house that took years to short sell and make zero on it; when I began living a life of authentic truth.  Hope knew I would survive.  Grace joined in and pushed me to strengthen my dignity and integrity.   Hope didn’t disappear. It was actually there quietly waiting to be acknowledged. I began to forgive myself, and in the process forgave him for all that was done…because he did what he could under his capacity. He has his own stories.  And, now we can talk and feel nothing but respect for one another.

Happiness and misery live simultaneously inside.  They are a matter of choice and perception. Do you see hope in the distance? Do you see darkness around you all the time?  To lose hope is to lose everything. And, in those moments it is when hope is truly present.  It is an oxymoron.  I thought I had lost my dear Esperanza, sending her off to some remote place.  Hope was merely sitting and waiting for my presence.  Once I was aware of the lessons, experiences, choices and journey everything fell back into alignment.  I moved to North Carolina to live on top of a mountain which was always my dream.  I have been able to strip self-worth issues, and live with the absence of blame on others.  I am responsible only for me.  My life has brought me here while Hope held my hand.

Where is Hope taking you? Who is holding all of your dreams and desires waiting on you to align with them?  Be aware of your thoughts, illusions and reality.  Feel the presence of love, compassion, forgiveness and truth.  You are always in the care of the Divine!

“Hope is a waking dream.” – Aristotle

Embrace your Fabulousness

forgive

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves: Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?”~ Marianne Williamson

Matt, my husband, rolls his eyes and laughs most of the time when I compliment him.  It bothers me that he doesn’t see his fabulousness.  I find this man not only physically attractive but highly intelligent and stimulating.  He brings out the best in me as I am always in awed of him.  When I ask him, “Do you know how amazing you are?”  He asks me to “please stop.”  I tell him to take it and own it.  When the tables reverse and he compliments me I ask him to “please stop with the nonsense and go check his eye sight.”  Imagine that!  I have come to realize that we are the sums of those traumas from the past and all the peeps we handed our worth on platters.  It is time we take it back and stop fearing our greatness, fabulousness, and awesomeness!

I have never had a healthy acceptance of compliments, especially about my body or talents.  We can spend hours analyzing the root of this issue.  If hundreds of hours in therapy did not correct it I doubt that this post will.  But here is the thing I have learned about compliments and self-worth:  we truly fear them.  For the most part we hide behind what society expects from us. An older woman who was my neighbor at 18 (she was 94) said to me, “My sweet young woman, when someone hands you a flower what do you say?  You say ‘thank you.’ So, when a person compliments you look at them in the eyes (even if you don’t believe it) and accept the gift.”  Almost thirty years later I get the reason why.  If you are forced to share the moment and look at that person (stopping everything else in your head) you may see that they are genuine. We have been accustomed to disregard our worth, the natural beauty in our existence, and beat ourselves up because we can’t fit in some kind of social acceptance or perfection.

Body images change with fashion and fads.  Decades determine if size 10 is a healthy average woman’s size or size 2 is the new size 6.  Should your collar bones stick out so you can use them as soap holders? Should you plump up your lips like a bee stung them?  Is it healthy now to let your eyebrows grow out or should we still be plucking them into an arch that puts the shock factor on your face along with botox?  I can’t keep up, can you?  I stay away from those fashion magazines. I have never been good at following directions.

When I look in the mirror lately I don’t see myself.  It isn’t that I sit there examining.  I stare at the reflection brushing my teeth, often times in la-la land but catch a glimpse of a middle age woman who has come into her own.  I feel sexier now than I did in my twenties when I had a breast reduction, liposuction and the insane habit of dieting until I would faint.  I have many more laugh lines, wrinkles, freckles, and age spots. Each one of them maps out some incredible lessons.  I have a flabby but healthier body that climbs mountains, drinks wine, loves lattes, and at times indulges in some delicious dessert that I can’t pronounce.  And, yes, a few times a year I give everything a break and detox the middle age part of me giving up everything for a month or two or four until my friends beg that I go back to carbs, “please” because I am nicer when I eat junk.

I love watching the love of my life move.  I love studying his strong middle age body.  He might not like it but I find that each scar, dimple, and extra space is what allows more of him to love me.  Each time I embrace him I feel like I am with the sexiest man alive and I can’t understand why a magazine hasn’t posted this on their front page.  To me it is headline news.

As Marianne Williamson writes, “who are you not to” see yourself as beautiful?  Don’t let society determine what is beautiful. At what age do we stop worrying about body image, and what needs to be done, tucked, fastened, or covered up?  You are beautiful: curves, flab, scars, more or less.  It is the body given to you to journey on this life.  I don’t want to be perfect.  Hell no!  That’s a lot of pressure.  I want to be loved by those around me because of how I reflect parts of them.  If I can make you smile then I have done my part for the day.  These days when you hand me a compliment I will take it as a flower, put it in a vase, and relish that someone thinks I am special, beautiful or whatever else your spirit sees in me.  The returned words, “thank you” are magical in so many ways connecting us to each other.  Now go flaunt your spectacular-ness into the world.