Tag: resentment

That’s It Point

On By Moments with MillieIn Essay8 Comments

that's it

I have a That’s-It point of anger. It’s that reference point of “enough is enough.” It’s when I let things go and allow others to push and pull until one moment I look at them and loudly say, “That’s it!!!” My children always knew that moment growing up. They would see my eyes turn into something unrecognizable. I think everyone has a “that’s-it” moment. I have patience for a lot of things. It takes me a long time to get to that very second when I will no longer tolerate things as they are. I begin to see black and no amount rainbows or unicorns will lighten the situation. In my life that moment meant that everything I believed to be true was out the window. I would lose my head. Today I was thinking about my many “That’s-It” moments. Some could have been avoided. Others came without a warning to those who pushed and shoved and saw a woman turn different colors.

These days I try desperately not to get to that point. I don’t allow another to dictate my worth or lack of respect to then turn me into a monster. There are people out there who enjoy seeing a person lose it, escalating to the point of no return. They thrive on the energy of toxicity to reassure themselves that they got the attention and your power. It’s sick. These are the people who have such negative vibration that everything around them is always dramatic. They are also full of illnesses, major obstacles and huge misfortunes.

DO NOT ALLOW another to push you to the edge of “That’s It!” Do not give them the power to enjoy your retaliation, anger, rage, and intolerance. The world right now is having so many “That’s-It” moments. It’s everywhere. We are witnessing violence everywhere through discrimination, bigotry, hatred, indifference and lack of respect. I crave to turn those events into beautiful AHA Moments of joy. I want to believe we can make a difference when we don’t feed into such mass negativity but shift consciousness into light and love.

Someone recently pushed me to that point of pure hatred. I didn’t recognize myself. I began to enter into a depression that truly concerned me because I felt helpless, useless, and hopeless. It was the last time I have allowed another to get me so rattled up. I get lost in that anger and it lasts sometime. I traveled through darkness for weeks in silence and didn’t share with many. And, once I forgave myself for allowing that person to hurt me so deeply I was able to see the sunlight. I was able to find joy again. It was in that moment that I promised myself that I will no longer have “that’s-it” challenges because I will not excuse their behaviors, enabling them to take responsibility for their actions while throwing their garbage on me. I hope to continue evolving into a soul who doesn’t allow those things to affect her.

Be gentle with you. Be in love with you. Accept that not everyone is on your same spiritual path. It’s okay. Send them love and send them on their miserable way. That’s all you can do. But, honor your spirit. You are not meant to act and react like the Incredible Hulk! Let’s all sparkle on!!!!

At the end of your life…

On By Moments with MillieIn Essay3 Comments

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You lie dying on a bed. Do you speak about politics, religious intolerance, race or cultural issues and differences? No! You speak about loved ones. You tell stories of your lovers and spouses. You share about your childhood. You do not listen to this timeline full of sensational news. You don’t care what is happening out there. The world becomes very small and you only want to know about places far and wide that you didn’t get to visit. You express your love of sunrises, fast cars, delicious food and beautiful company. You marvel at the journey, often with regret and other times with admiration. Politics, war, judgment, bigotry and intolerance do not matter at this time. They are not held captive in your presence. Why? Why do we give so much energy to those things that will not reside in later years when we will be ready to transition into death?

Make your thoughts count. Create energetic moments that will transcend your existence when you are in your last breath. You are the creator of your reality. At the end of your life you will remember the first pretty girl you kissed, the first hands that touched your body with love, the way your body felt in youth, the puppy you got that Christmas, the horse ride you took in that trip, the way your child felt upon your chest…. You will not care how much money you owe or if you cleaned under the bed or if there is expired food in the pantry.

Life is a precious commodity so use it for greatness. You will want to know that you mattered, that you loved and were loved deeply, and that you will be missed for who you are.  Make moments count so that when you are ready to embark into the light you will feel joy and not sorrow; love and not hatred, admiration and not regrets.

Two Important Questions

On By Moments with MillieIn Essay14 Comments

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At the end of the day there are two questions I ask myself: Did I learn everything I could from that situation? Did I love to the best of my capacity and ability today in spite of the circumstances?  Sometimes the answer is yes to both questions.  Sometimes it is a yes and a no.  Other times, with much guilt and embarrassment, the answer is “no” to both. But I am trying to get a grasp of this thing called “Being Human.”  I didn’t read the manual before arriving here on earth.  I’ve never been too sharp at taking tests.  I don’t really retain much in my cerebral cortex either.  So, had I read the manual I probably wouldn’t remember much of anything, except that the lessons require a lifetime of learning.  This thing of being a human has an array of trickiness to it.  Things sometimes just don’t make sense at all.  There are a million senseless acts performed each day all over the place.  We are being tested through every avenue: our relationships, our children, neighbors, family, friends, co-workers, strangers and the entire world.  Even nature throws a curve ball at times.

Last night I tossed and turned while the clock waited for no one.  It didn’t just stop so I could catch up…the hours went quickly and before I knew it sunrise was sneaking through the windows.  I meditated, I read, I wrote, and I tried several times to close my eyes and just be in the moment.  Being in the moment didn’t help.  I kept recalling the past two events in the news with Michael Brown in Ferguson while Eric Garner’s words echoed, “I can’t breathe” in my heart.  As much as I remain neutral through world news, politics and other mayhem I can’t help but question so many of my own choices and past decisions. With a heavy heart I allowed my higher self to answer those questions that I cannot comprehend. Humanity is shifting and there’s a wide division in its separation.   It’s an ongoing battle that seems to bring even more questions in to our existence.

I return to my own awareness admitting that I have truly loved deeply.  I have done the best I have known at the time.  This is my ego being human rather than spiritual.  When we start going back there is a monster that will always appear with regrets, shame, and guilt.   And, it is usually in the middle of the night when there’s no one to talk to, to reach out to, other than God and all the stars.

Our humanity is being tested each and every day.  I witness it constantly.  It’s as if this time acceleration has affected the very core of our belief and faith.  Why?  I don’t know.  That’s not one of those questions I ask myself every day.   I can’t.  I don’t want to go into the monstrous events of our world.  I try to live in a happy bubble.  When the bubble gets poked and emptied out I feel the depression creeping in like poison.  I cannot hold my heart in place.   I go to a place of darkness and anger.   Last night I witnessed it with such intensity.  I wish I could remember one single event from it but once daylight reached my face it was erased.

I am learning from every situation, even the events that are not directly in my path because everything that happens in our world, in our lives, is connected to one another.  The distance between us is shorter than we think.  What happens in your thoughts and consciousness is affected into the way you treat another.  It becomes part of the ripple effect.  I see it when a hurt or negative guest comes into my office.  Their demeanor affects me.  They leave the stagnant energy behind.  Now imagine this in a mass conscious level with millions of people.  It becomes war.  It becomes hatred, bigotry, and death.  We are all fighting a war with our egos.  How we express it to the world determines how we love and find peace with each other.

I have to be more mindful to be able to answer those two questions with “yeses” every day.  I cannot get sloppy with working through the difficult times.  I must love fully, even during the most challenging moments of my relationships.  I must learn to experience things even when they hurt, when they feel uncomfortable, and when they point back to me that I have screwed up (yet one more freaking time).  Ego loves to twist and turn those moments.  Ego teases me, “You suck at this humanity thing!”

As we go into this holiday season, I pray that we can consciously come together in peace.  I send my loving thoughts and prayers to the universe in hopes that I can find the positive answers to those questions that don’t have answers as well.  I wish you all love, compassion, kindness, joy, and the awareness that we are all in this together.  It starts and ends with our connections and the choices we make while answering a divine purpose for our existence.   Healing doesn’t begin to happen until we become aware of our lack of control.

Much love and light to all!  We are all here for one another in one form or another.

I’m Sorry Syndrome

On By Moments with MillieIn Essay10 Comments

I had a dream in the early hours of morning about a visit to a therapist.  Dr. Carl Jung sat across from me with a giant desk in between us.  I remember asking, “Dr.Carl, this is very impersonal.  Is there a way we can sit next to each other without this desk in the way?”  We moved to the area where I sat on the sofa and he sat on a comfy chair across from me.  I began with apologizing for my brokenness.  It was a long dream.  I was woken by my boyfriend while crying.  The details aren’t important.  What is relevant is my sense of apologizing for my emotions.

I have always had the “I’m Sorry Syndrome.”  And when someone asks me to stop apologizing I apologize for it again.  I know where and how it stems from.  There has to be a barricade to this agonizing need to please others.  As women we tend to do it more frequently than men.  Childhood traumas, abusive relationships and just pure self-esteem issues cause us to immediately sneak in the apology to smooth things over with another person.  But, sitting across from Carl Jung I realized it wasn’t necessary.

We tend to apologize for everything.  I apologize for interrupting, for feeling a certain way, for being early to an appointment, etc.  Heck, I apologize just for laughing or crying while thinking I am making the other person feel uncomfortable.  And, let’s not even discuss the apologies I shell out when the other person has done me wrong and I end up apologizing for them.

The word “sorry” is magical.  It opens hearts and allows for forgiveness.  However, that same word can be a crutch in not allowing self-worth to grow in a positive manner.  We apologize for our parenting skills, professional choices, schooling, loving too deeply or not loving enough.  We apologize for not wearing the right clothes, not having enough money, and having a bad hair day.  We apologize for so many senseless acts based on our emotions.  When do we stop this self-sabotage outrage of losing our self onto another?  Why do we apologize when we find our voice and want to express it?  Each time an apology is dished out we are serving a part of our worth and letting that person hold the key to our emotions.

I remember my ex never apologized…ever.  So, I spent years apologizing every time he did something wrong or hurtful to me.  I would end up apologizing for a fight or disagreement.  The common answer from him was, “If you weren’t the way you are then you wouldn’t push me to act this way.  I accept your apology.”  Typical narcissism personality disorder to the oomph degree!  In these moments an apology is like white-out.  It is covered up but always still underneath it all.  When you’ve wronged or hurt someone an apology is a must!

Some of the questions I asked Dr. Carl (as I kept calling him) were: “What is my purpose here?  What do I do with myself from here on?  What can I bring to this life?”  I believe I had a few more universal questions in regards to my existence.  I can’t remember right now.  What I do remember is the feelings of shame and displacement.  I recall the brokenness of remorse and guilt. In the middle of the conversation I can still feel the sense of self-criticism and judgment while apologizing for the past and the lessons that I’ve learned from such traumas.

As a child I wasn’t heard.  My mother had me at 44 years of age.  She was too busy going through menopause when I was just starting middle school.  Puberty was something you did and never discussed.  I apologized for my mood swings, for wanting to be with friends, and for needing to just be left alone without her around.  I apologize for my ultra sensitivity, my need to be perfect in school, and anything that she could not relate to as a teenager in the 80’s.  I was expected to be seen and not heard.  This was most people of my generation.  Now that I am my mother’s age I see the difference the generation gap created.  The need to apologize is a weakness rather than a healthy characteristic when the resentment is for wanting to honor your feelings.

When do we stop this nonsense of putting everyone else in front of our own needs?  When and how do we break the pattern of justifying what we want with an apology?  When do we start to live authentically…now or the day we are dying?

I believe that a dream with an archetypical world famous psychologist was exactly what I needed to reflect and cease those things I keep struggling to fix.  I cannot continue to be sorry for the person I am or continue to become.  If I happen to ruffle a few feathers along the way I have to accept it is a reflection or projection of that other person.  We must stop apologizing for evolving and wanting to live authentically.  Let’s put the word “sorry” back to its real context once and for all.

“The only correct actions are those that demand no explanation and no apology.”  ~Red Auerbach