Letting Love Live

This morning I had a memory of the first time I was stung with uncensored and unconditional love. I’m sure I had hundreds, or perhaps thousands of moments, but that evening seemed to stand out loudly.

My husband and I had been dating for a few months. I spent the night at his place. We had made love and only a candle lit the room. He had fallen sleep on his stomach. I turned over and saw him. The light from the candle enhanced his back muscles. I gasped. He was beautiful. I looked at his bare back in pure delight. Tears formed and I allowed for their release. He was sound asleep. I became very aware that he was mine, for however long that would be, and he was lovely. Not just because of his body but his sense of humor. I was falling in love. I was falling into a known territory that felt remarkably unfamiliar to all others.

I traced my fingers on his back softly following the shadows. He woke and turned over to his side while I kept rubbing him with my nails. At some point I fell into a slumber wrapped by his arms. The next morning as I drove the hour and twenty minutes home, I kept thinking of that moment that allowed me to fall so profoundly that every cell in my body felt the expansion of love. I literally felt a huge break in my chest.

Then I started to freak out. I felt I was losing myself. How could I? I’ve done this dance many times before. I had given all of me for years and not been reciprocated but what amazing lessons I had learned. I regret not a one!

As I watched the stretch of mountains ahead my heart felt a tingle and a pull. I was safe to fall. I was safe to rise towards the delight of being me…my authentic self without censoring from a man. The sun was rising over the landscape and I knew I had permission from the heavens to just feel the love that was to grow. I remember this many years later. I remembered it this morning as I watched him sleep in his stomach bundled under warm blankets.

Driving over the mountains that morning I recalled twenty years before when I was dating a lovely man. After we made love I fell asleep in his arms. Sometime after that I woke to him watching me sleep and the blinds wide open. He said, “The moon looks beautiful on your back. It makes your freckles look like stars!” He meant every syllable of that sentiment.

I buried my head on the pillow in embarrassment. I had a hard time taking in any kind of compliment.

I had never been seen…Or so I felt. He saw me. And when he died a year later a part of me died with him. Now noticing my new lover and his divine essence naked in front of me I felt all the love in the world that had been given, shared and exchanged. I felt it intensified and released in my soul. It wasn’t just a physical or emotional connection. It was a spiritual one.

At midlife I was finally me without apologizing.

And I allowed for all that was to come. He was mine then. He continues to be mine now. It has taken a tremendous amount of work and dance to stay in that love but it’s been so worth it. Because that’s what marriage entails. We are on the other side of that mountain of uncertainty and doubts. We are led by stars and candlelight through the darkest of obstacles.

We are in it because of the raw vulnerability from one another. We show up not always in perfect lighting. It’s in the unmade beds, crazy sleepless nights with kids, messy days, hard obstacles, little moments and unconditional love without judgment. It’s real life naked and fully clothed behind closed doors. I’m blessed.

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Love Goes and Returns

I met this young woman today at French Broad Chocolate Lounge in Asheville. She began to share her story in between four of us sharing a lavender creme brûlée, a chocolate cake, ice cream and brownies. It was a diabetic dream. But what was better was her sharing of how her life has changed…or made a giant circle.

She has reconnected with her high school boyfriend who was much older. Now, after getting divorced and having two kids, she’s available. He’s never had another serious relationship. He’s never been married.

“How does something like this happen? How was he waiting? Did he secretly hope your marriage failed?” I asked fascinated while laughing.

“Nope, he just didn’t fall in love ever again. He was the love of my life. I have been the love of his. It was bad timing when I was in college…!” She went into intimate intricate yummy in’s and out’s of condensing ten years.

“And here you are! He just declared his love. He’s picking up right where his heart left off.” I patted my heart in complete delight for the utter harlequin romance of it all.

We continued to feed our souls, but the true sweetness was in Sara’s story. It was the love that was declared and shared. It was the delicate reminders of how time doesn’t really exist and you can return to the beginning over and over.

It takes pure vulnerability to stay open to the magic of what may be without forcing things. It requires courage to follow the heart and quiet the mind. This is love at its depth of being.

Life has a way of bringing in the most amazing events when you discard the expectation. Love goes and returns when it’s meant to appear. And this afternoon her energy expressed it all beyond words. It was the most magnificent delicatessen in that chocolate factory.

~m.a.p.

Connections

“The first time

you looked at me

I saw myself

looking through

another time

returning back

to you again.”

I witnessed a man and a woman in a book store looking at one another through bookshelves. She smiled, put her head down pretending to look at the titles, and tucked her hair behind her ear. He browsed through the books still keeping an eye on her and smiling. They did this for a few minutes. And then for one moment they stared into each other. That one moment was infinite. Their stories unfolded right there with a bookshelf holding this timeline apart. They went their ways. I sat there replaying their intimacy.

If we allow others to come into this realm…every one who tries to…what would our world look like? I mean, the loves…the ones that we push away because of timing and responsibility. I encounter many of these stories without a word being exchanged. I tend to them, noting the endless possibilities of their silence. Their connection is beyond this world. And I can see it’s all about timing.

We are all connected. Whenever we choose to engage in this acceptance we may find that magic is truly fate in disguise. ~m.a.p.

Our Story

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This story,

yours and mine,

touches me in the middle of the night

as I long to reach under the warmth

through the

miles of blankets and pillows

to feel your fingertips rubbing mine.

Between the snores, movements,

and exasperation of the room

I lay still

hearing your heart beat against

the fullness of silence

engulfing me with your past stories,

dancing with your present words,

desiring a moment of exhale

where you can be free from the traumas.

I think I loved you before we ever met.

I think I will love you even after this….

Blue Plates

The other day I was hand washing a blue dinner plate. This plate was a set that arrived with my husband, Matt, when he moved in with me. He bought the dinnerware when he got a divorce over 10 years ago. Although I didn’t need the additional plates in my kitchen he didn’t want to part with the dishes. As I was washing the dish I looked at it and became very aware that the dish was mine too. There was no longer the separation of parts: this is his, this is mine…. I looked at the wet dish and muttered under my breath, “I love this dish that’s ours. It’s mine too.”

See, it was a mindful realization that there is no separation between us. For the longest time I kept his DVD’s and CD’s separate…just in case of a divorce he could take them without any hassle. I kept a lot of things apart. I’ve done this in all my previous relationships. I was always one foot out the door, out of the relationship, ready to take flight the moment I got hurt. It was a lifetime of severe programming.

And now, I own a set of imperfect blue plates (symbolizing our own union). I own a bunch of DVD’s and books and things that at another time in my life would not have been mine.

This is spiritual growth combined with emotional healing at its best. Our past beliefs can tarnish our relationships if we aren’t mindful of breaking those old paradigms.

I have settled down in a “team” (as he calls us). I have made peace with the aches and the distrust. I have found a place among all the things he came with that are now mine. It’s a lovely testimony to commitment. It’s a feeling of belonging I never had before. Once I put the guard down, the sense of betrayal, the thoughts of abandonment, I got to witness peace. I am able to see his own journey as well to feeling worthy of love.

I experience…Peace…like never before. It’s taken several years to get to this conclusion. The wet blue plate in my hands spoke to me at that very moment. I had an “Aha moment” right over the kitchen sink. It was a magnificent one that brought a set of emotional release with it to add to the water.

We are together in the hard times…we are united deeper in the good ones.

Don’t bring your dirty laundry into a relationship and expect it to be completely cleaned out. Allow for the emergence, the healing, and the trust to be built. It does not happen overnight. This I promise you. We both were ready at one time (or several times) to call it quits. It took me a lot longer than him to recognize the blessings. It took him a little longer to feel the love in the beginning. We are quite different in many levels, and yet…similar in others.

You aren’t alone in this journey. Relationships require spiritual, physical and emotional bonding. The moment you begin to accept that those around you are willing to stick around you get to a place of serenity. It’s always easier to run from the discomfort.

May you find yourself staying put and working through dirt. May you clearly see the love in between dishes, laundry, and big ole messes.

Goggle image.

Don’t Fall In Love


How does anyone fall in love? Isn’t love already there, always available? How can you “fall” into something that is innately inside of you, because you are made from it? Is it possible that you don’t “fall” as much as you open into another form of love? Could it be that the idea of “falling” is actually awakening a soul connection in a subconscious level? I have not fallen into anything. Ever! But, I have been in deep times of attraction. I have been in ecstasy which have been as addictive as a drug and can be confused with eternal love. We tend to use the word and emotion to satisfy a carnal feeling of necessity. Love has little to do with those “falling” parts of yourself. Don’t mistake the truth of who you are while giving the power to another. Love is the magic in your heart. It is the provider of divinity and purpose here. It is the ALL that forces you to learn and grow and evolve into a spiritual being.Love…love is always there…and when you find that person that makes it come alive it is simply reminding you of what you already have. And this person doesn’t have to be a romantic union. It can be your children, a friend, a pet, a lover, and most importantly it must be yourself. Because, if you don’t love yourself you cannot possibly love another. You cannot give what you don’t have. ~ M.A.P.

The Ness of It All

Tucking my hair behind my ears,

caressing my bangs over my eyes,

you checked in constant assurance

that I always heard and saw you.

Your hands guided my chin upward

so my eyes could share

the unspoken truth…

I was forever present with your one-ness.

Memories immortalize moments,

freezing scenes of tender-ness,

loving-ness and kind-ness

while all else now falls

in helpless-ness  to a backdrop

of what is now real life.

Words echo,

I was everything to you

and I haven’t been ever since

to anyone else…

Oh, yes, there have been lovers

who crafted beautifully the arts

of rapture,

passion,

ecstasy,

gratification…

but the nothing-ness,

the ever so encompassing-ness

of allowing me

to love endlessly

without holding back

buried itself with you

long ago.

When I permit myself

the act of giving

I am returned with akward-ness–

a full disclosure

that you are not in them,

and I am not in me as well.

Luckily stories re-enact

in little sleepless nights

through visions

of what may never be again

but always live in fond-ness:

I was truly treasured

in whole-ness by you.