Intricate Exposure

 

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I remember

you and me

tangled in those sheets,

dismantling each others’

armors and weapons

built through a lifetime

of heart break.

Your hands grabbed

the walls of my subconscious,

fondling the lining of emotions.

And in an instance

you found

all of my essence

swimming in the blue

of the duvet cover

exposed to each particle

of your soul

without the fabric

of skin

to hide beneath

every secret of our pasts.

The sun stood at guard

while the warmth

of embraces

evoked the final gasps

exhaled from true love’s

final cry

and leaving

shadows on a bed

we will never visit again.

Scoop me Up

couple-dancing

Let me be the dent that
sits in the valley
so you can scoop all around me
the sheltering grounds
to protect me
in this world.

Allow me to be the appetizer
that you scoop up
to your soul
each day,
each night,
for the rest of this life.
Permit me to be a voyager
who travels in your journey
until we can be completely
aligned with the universe…
until you can find the way
to scoop me up
and make me one.

The Union of two souls

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While on vacation a few weeks ago I had several moments of huge awareness and acceptance (sometimes those things are exhausting and at other times they are “AHA moments” that finally clear old beliefs from the heart). The first day when we arrived at the beach there were folks getting ready for a wedding. Everyone was wearing white. There was no distinction between colors or races. They all looked like heavenly angels, barefooted, walking the path to the altar on the sand. The scenery looked like something from a cheesy movie on the Hallmark Channel (so of course I was in heaven)!

I was moved, not just by this divine vision but also because we were in the midst of first times: first time that our baby would see the ocean, the first time my love and I would see it together, the first time that we had gone on vacation…and the first time I realized the sacredness of a gathering to celebrate the union of two souls. I had not stepped outside of my commitment phobia, ever, to accept this the way I embraced it at that moment while the rain gathered right there in the backdrop reminding me of how the winds of change are always in the distance. I saw the magic and mysticism in all those who were participating in this wedding. I had not understood a few things as I walked through the portal of so much love and acceptance. Sometimes awareness takes a lifetime. Sometimes it happens in the simplest moments of quietude. I love love. I love everything corny and romantic. This wedding did not have it like one would think looking at the scenery…it was much deeper. Perhaps it was just me that had gone to the depth of the ocean and I embraced it. It’s been a long time coming.

A few days after returning home I received an email from a dear old friend who has known me for the larger part of my life. In that email I was transformed in letting go of the old belief system that had kept me in the past. I had been imprisoned to old behaviors and memories of past lovers. I hadn’t realized it until I returned from this vacation. I was freed into realizing that I can move into commitment even when I have been so scared to do so. Matt has won the battle with lots of issues in the past two and a half years. He has shown me time and time again that no matter what we are a team. No other past relationship showed this. No other relationship put me first. I was always at the end of the to-do list. It was a convenience rather than a priority. And, although I would excuse those past behaviors I also allowed those old programming thoughts to partake in this beautiful union. I kept thinking of that beach scene and all those beautiful spirits surrounding this moment as my lover and I walked our child to the shore.

It has been 2-1/2 years of constant learning and loving and searching for the core of unity. Matt and I respect one another. We laugh louder and deeper than I have in the past. I have allowed blocks to show up and find excuses for not settling down. He has been there to guide me in these ups and downs of an old phobia, abandonment issues, and the realization that I want no other to be there when I wake in the morning. I haven’t been legally married since I was 22. But, I have learned that the thing about life is that phobias and fears bring on something deeper. They desire the searching and processing of an inner root that needs pulling or it will follow till the end of days to come. So I’ve taken a few weeks to look at these issues. I have written, analyzed and broken cords that had me attached to old paradigms. I have taken a real look at the ugly parts as well as the beautiful ones making this polarity of my spiritual being exceptional. I consist of everyone of those things that push and pull to teach me to be human.

Finally Matt and I decided that there was no time like the present. We’ve tried the wedding ceremony before and we both didn’t handle it well. We felt stressed and pressured. But now with a few years in between we embrace this surfing of union in an ocean of true love and acceptance. Life has changed drastically for the both of us. After having raised six children and finding my forties as a point of beginning a life for me the powers of BE decided that this man and a baby would be the ones guiding me into middle age. We are in the process of adopting our little girl together. I cannot imagine anyone else to spend my life with and all its geekiness, corniness, playing, joking, sarcasm, intelligence, and intimacy. I cannot imagine anyone ever loving this baby girl the way he does and continues to win my heart. We compliment each other because how else could you explain a spiritual-peace-loving hippie with a warrior-gaming-geeky nerd? You can’t! You can only understand that underneath it all there is such awareness of BEING and ALLOWING. He always says when I am ready to stop or quit something, “That’s quitter talk and it’s unacceptable!” I need someone who calls me up on my crap. He’s totally there for that! I expect nothing less. He allows me to roam free and be wild in my thoughts and beliefs and this is something foreign to me.

On that beach day as we were leaving the bride-to-be passed us on the boardwalk. She was splendidly gorgeous. I said, “You are a stunning bride. Exquisitely beautiful. Congratulations!” She was so present that she stopped as folks waited for her arrival, holding the bottom of her dress in her hands, “Thank you. You are very kind.” Her smile lit the darkened skies. And off she went. She was in the complete moment of NOW. I got in the car and contemplated that moment. I whispered to the inner child, “I’m ready!” She whispered back, “About time!”

Today I was in the complete moment of NOW realizing I am just as exquisite as that bride. I stood in front of a beautiful man and gave my soul, my promise and my vows to be his wife. To my beloved husband, “I vow to love and cherish you for the rest of my life. I vow never to go to bed angry; to continue to tickle you whenever I please; and give you a smile when you need one. I vow to pull you out of a funk, to kiss you with depth and tell you how much I appreciate you every day. I promise to let you raise my IQ as long as you let me lower yours at times. It isn’t healthy living with so many digits in that brain. You are my best friend, my partner, my lover, my confidant, my teacher and most of all my protector. Thank you for allowing me to be part of your life. I am forever grateful to the universal forces that brought us together on a beautiful spring day in a little coffee shop in the mountains. I love you, Matt.

The Magic of Beginnings

Two lovers enter into an intimate conversation early on in their relationship:

He asks, “Are you afraid of falling in love?”

She answers, “Not with you.”

He asks, “Why’s that?”

She answers with a smile, “Cause I know you will catch me when I fall.”

There is something tender in allowing yourself to fall in love.  There is also something magical in knowing that the other person will not hurt you.  Love is not a power struggle, an ego booster, or a platform for ownership.  It is about letting go and allowing Spirit to perform its pursuit for the betterment of your heart’s desires.

I’ve had the privilege to be among many friends.  Some of them have entered into new relationships.  They beam with energy, excitement, romance, and that mystical union of two people getting to know each other.   In both relationships I witnessed something that had never been there before: appreciation and admiration.  There is kindness, generosity and mutual respect.  Like a Tango dance, one needs the pull and pushing, the give and take, the seduction and the closeness all mixed into a rhythmic dance of divinity.  The hopeless romantic in me smiles with admiration at that harmonious partnership.

I can’t say that I’ve been accused of not loving enough in my relationships.  I give all of me, sometimes too much, because I am not met half way.  And, when I am done I can continue to move past the hurt and realize how beautiful the lessons were for the betterment of my spirit.  I’ve been fortunate that on some occasions after moving on the person has shared that I loved hard (and it wasn’t so much me that “broke it” but their own insecurities and self-loathing).   I can’t shun away from love because of past relationships.  I am in a beautiful healthy one now.  If I had stopped the idea of love, closed my heart completely, I wouldn’t have met this incredible counterpart of my journey!

How many times have we passed on the idea of love or getting to know someone just to regret it later on?  How many times have we allowed ego to dictate our heart’s desires to then realize that the person was actually “The One?”  The past is a wilderness forest.  Many of us choose to stay there because of fear of the unknown.  We are afraid to move past the forest into the open spaces and allow the heart to guide us.  In that paralyzing fear of holding on to past events, we lose the chance to meet a counterpart of our divinity to be loved.

I always find the “falling in love” part easy.  It’s the staying in that place of vulnerability that is challenging.  Every day, as I meet more people entering into loving relationships, I believe I am attracting that energy into my own love life.  I refused to settle for someone who could not meet me half way in my heart’s yearnings.  I wasn’t willing to compromise my self-love for anyone.  It’s taken me too many years to repair and rebuild self-worth and love.   It has taken me a lifetime to realize that simplicity, kindness, intelligence, openness, and laughter are prerequisites for my soul mate.

This man sees me as a hippie chick, a deep romantic, and/or a trusting spirit.  I know that the falling in love part is the best drug in the world when shared with someone who has my best intention at heart. When it is easy, soft, appreciated and graceful there is no other place I would rather be.  The alternative of having him passed by was not an option.

Allow yourself the gift of openness, trust, vulnerability and diving into the arms of love.  You never know who will be there to catch you when you fall!

Creation

 

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I am not built for sadness and pessimism. I am not built for judgment, bigotry and hypocrisy. I am built for sunny days, heart shape rocks, long kisses and embraces. I am built for sandals and sundresses and toes wiggling in dirt. I am built for days playing in rivers and creeks searching for treasures and picture taking aha moments. I am created for outdoor days with clouds in animal formation staring back from heaven.  I am fabricated to get lost in my own thoughts, yard, and surrounding areas to then find myself among the mysteries of life.  I am not made for second guesses and distrust that leave me depleted without an ounce of faith. I require a slow ear, a sensitive heart, a light touch and a quick wit to be my lover.  I need nature waking my spirit every day. I need romantic movies, corny cards, scented candles and books that take me places far away and wide into the world. I am made for laughter and sharing over a great cup of coffee, a glass of wine, or a walk in the woods. I am not built for darkness unless it is a night full of twinkling stars staring back from the heavens. I am created for stories, those I hear and some I write. I need poetry echoing back at night from my muse guiding me to reach inside and truly let go.  I was built to have a house full of children and then learning how to let go while loving unconditionally. I need surprises…those sweet godsend epiphanies that curl my emotions into sappy tears of joy. I require God’s presence always with me as I trek on this journey finding the things I still don’t know about myself.  Oh…and I am made for loving you, you and you.

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