The Runner

I visited a friend who is struggling. She’s selling everything to flee and run far away from here. I recognize the behavior. For the large part of my life I ran. I either ran towards something or ran away from it. I ended up in the mountains running from a life that was comfortable into a life of pure work…but spiritually enriching. Because the “comfortable life” was empty and full of imprisonment by a man who was emotionally abusive. It took years of stripping my ego and self worth to build it into something authentic. At forty-two years old I hadn’t a clue who I really was. I was playing different roles depending on who needed them.

Seeing her today gave me palpitations. I wanted to just hold her and let her know that no matter how far she runs she will always have to deal with the core truth of herself. The running is only temporary. It will never be permanent until she lets go of the issues that she’s avoiding. I am sure someone (or many) tried to tell me the same thing eight years ago. I didn’t hear it. And I am blessed to have had support because I really struggled. It was a horribly painful time. Talk about dark nights of the soul…for several years.

Love and heartache have a way of pushing us to extremes. Nothing forces us to run quicker than the feeling of abandonment and toxic energy. It’s exhausting. It’s paralyzing so when the energy arrives to sprint away the body just sees it as survival. Who am I to try and stop her?

I hugged and kissed her, wishing her the very best. It will be a delicious adventure and a painful one. She’s headed to the desert. Nothing strips the soul deeper than that. I get it. I feel it. I know it well.

Darlings, you can only do what’s best for you regardless of what others tell you. If you need to run, do it. If you need to stay, do it. If you need a break, have it. But do not let another soul force you into making harsh decisions because of fear. Wounds heal…eventually. Love returns when you return to it. As soon as you recognize that you are a divine lover to yourself things begin to align. Until that moment you will continue to run yourself ragged. You are the most precious commodity in the world. Don’t let someone else make you feel otherwise. ~m.a.p.

Accepting the Hot Mess

hot-mess

I am an emotional-intuitive soul. I rarely make correct decisions based on thinking, logic or what others think for me because they believe it will fix me. I have to feel whatever I am about to do. If it doesn’t feel right, I have learned to avoid it. If it feels good, I follow it even when it makes absolutely no sense to anyone else. I am moved by a “knowing” that I cannot explain. The older I get, the easier it is for me to base my decisions on that knowing.

I am also a runner. I have a pair of invisible worn-out running sneakers with me at all times. I have a hard time dealing with things that don’t feel good, right, or acceptable. I have a hard time sitting and patiently waiting for the feeling to subside…so my natural instinct is to haul ass as fast as possible. I put Speedy Gonzalez to shame!  This is not a characteristic that should be applaud.  This is merely a survival instinct that allows me to deal with discomfort in a quick manner.

Between being emotional and a long distance runner, I can get myself on an emotional roller coaster that feels like I am living in an eternal (internal) hell. Even though others might not recognize it, because I am excellent about hiding my emotions, and diving into someone else’s issues (of course to avoid my hot messes), I tend to deal with my emotions in a destructive manner. God forbid I face my discomfort with the same openness and love I give everyone else.  Nurturing everyone else is so delicious. Me…nahhh…not the best feeling at times!

But, this is what I am learning in the past few months. It’s become very clear that I have the ability to sit in the annoyance, displeasure, frustration and muck, while surviving the duration. I have seen myself grow through the process. If I run, I am not growing. If I stay, I get depress but it eventually dwindles and I come out of the challenge with a stronger spiritual bonding with my higher self.

Let’s face it, life is magnificent and crappy and delicious and challenging and so many other things that make us want to just give up one moment and cheer with passion on another. It’s all a giant emotional roller coaster, especially for someone like me who is moved by emotions.

My two year old a few months ago said to me from the backseat of the car, “Mama, you a hot mess!” It came out of nowhere. I looked at her through the rear view mirror and asked, “Why do you say that, Kali bug? Why am I a hot mess?” Her answer was quite ingenious, “Cause!” And she went on to look at the trees and ask for her doll.

“Cause!”

Cause life is stupendous and annoying and yummy and messy all at once. That’s why! I don’t pretend to be perfect or normal by social status. I am a hot mess of emotions and must accept the ups and downs of who I am. I avoid implementing my feelings onto others. But, when a two year old can see my frequency and feel my vibration, I recognize that I am not hiding it from anyone. I am just pretending. I am in complete avoidance and oblivion.

Whenever I see another who has the same emotional mapping I am attracted to them. They don’t seem like a hot mess to me. They seem like souls who need a nudge, a cheerleader, and someone to hold their hand. I don’t need to say anything, because they will change from one moment to another. I just need to acknowledge them, create a safe space for landing until the next thing that will catapult them into a frenzy. That’s the beauty of the emotional being…we are serendipitous and move through a different realm of acceptance.

And, that’s the answer. Acceptance.

When I finally accept myself, becoming aware of who I am without needing to conform to those around me, I am willing to change and expand. I can sit with the discomfort, dive into the hot spring of messes and just be. It’s okay. I don’t have to run because I can’t explain my knowing. I don’t have to hide because I can’t live in the sadness or the joy when it doesn’t feel right to another. I just have to surf the wave of emotions. I feel for all those who understand this process. I know you get it cause you, too, are constantly in the flux of feelings and knowings without making sense of it with critical thinking.

And…let’s face it, it’s hard to live with someone else who doesn’t understand the feelings that come in and out within a five minute span of time.  It’s torture for the other person because they want to understand the logic behind the “knowing and feelings.”

Embrace your hot mess, your loving status, and everything in between. Use your senses and your inner guidance to follow the yellow brick road. Stop making life so difficult. You have the innate ability to be the best version of you without others dictating it. If it feels good…do it!  When you finally surrender into who you are, life invites you to live in sheer joy of freedom!

Our bodies have five senses: touch, smell, taste, sight, hearing. But not to be overlooked are the senses of our souls: intuition, peace, foresight, trust, empathy. The differences between people lie in their use of these senses; most people don’t know anything about the inner senses while a few people rely on them just as they rely on their physical senses, and in fact probably even more.” ~ C. JoyBell C.