Coming Undone

I was next at the check out counter in the grocery store. A woman with three small items came up behind me and I immediately asked her to go before me. She thanked me and was a bit shocked.

“This would never happen where I’m from!” She said.

“Where are you from?” I asked.

“Florida.”

I told her I was from there too. I laughed. The cashier said she was from there as well. I told her it had nothing to do with where you are from. It had to do with conscious kindness. She had three things. I had many more. I don’t even think about it as location or origins. I don’t think. It’s hard enough waiting in line. It’s not a big deal.

She looked lost in her thoughts. She began to come undone while putting her credit card in the machine. She complained about the weather being too cold, just moving here to Asheville, coming to live with her mother, having to start all over again. In less than three minutes I knew her life. She was younger than me. She was beautiful in a broken way that my heart wanted to grab her and cuddle her through love and compassion. She was completed disheveled by the act of skipping over me. I asked her to stop for one minute and just be. I asked her to just be with the moment. I refrained from going too close to her. She said thank you, paid and left. My words triggered something deep and she just couldn’t be.

I was getting in my car when I saw her still struggling with herself two cars down from me. I told her to have a good evening. To be gentle with herself. Tears formed. She waved and got in her car.

She didn’t want to be seen. She resisted the humanity. She was so deep into her own world of disappointments that she couldn’t get herself comfortable with anyone, let alone my presence. She couldn’t accept. She was way down in too much pain to feel me holding a candle for her release from darkness.

It’s okay. It’s okay to not want to come undone in front of a stranger. But, I hope that you come undone in front of someone. I hope you accept kindness and love and acknowledgment from someone. I hope you have a someone for this. It’s hard to witness and even harder to feel the feels of it all.

And this is what the holidays seem to bring up for so many. They feel forced out of their comfort zone and have to pretend.

So don’t. Don’t do anything you feel goes against your beliefs or your stability. Stay in the now. And make zero excuses for how you feel.

I love you.

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Connections

I stood in line at the grocery store. A man in front of me had such sadness. I stood there taking it in as he waited to pay….Feeling his heartache. I began to cry. He turned to me. Tears in his eyes. He took his groceries and walked out. He could have been my son but he was my brother on this walk. The Cashier allowed me to compose myself. Without any words exchanged we all knew.

There is nothing to add to heartache. A soft glance says it all. So I handed him my smile and tears. May he find what he needs to mend his break. May he recognize his worth. May he know that I saw him. I felt him. I love him. That’s all we can offer at times.

No words needed.

Please know you aren’t alone. A million of others walk beside you. Billions more walk apart. But we connect in the collectiveness of humanity.

You and I are one. Together or apart.

I love you.

A Broken Heart

broken heart

A few days ago I caught up with a dear friend. He began to express that it’s been one of the darkest moments in a long time for him. I heard what was said and the underlining of what wasn’t. My heart was fracturing as I listened to him. I have had moments like this. I have witnessed friends lose their jobs after 20 years. I have seen some others drink their problems away thus creating a blockage and denying all the emotions inside. I have seen others just disappear into their own shelter without a word. I have heard from others whose health have deteriorated asking for a purpose to it all. I have experienced the death of some others who just couldn’t handle the massive shifting of life because sometimes it’s all freaking shit. It’s hard. It’s unfair. It can suck us thin while removing our faith in humanity. And, as if all this wasn’t right on the surface of deep empathy, I was then asked that same afternoon by someone else, “Can a person die of a broken heart?” I immediately answered, “Absolutely! We can die from anything we manifest through thought and emotion whether it is in abundance or the lack of it.”

For most of my life the answer to that question was an absolute “no!” I did not believe you could die from a broken heart. Grieving passes. We get through things. At least…we should. However, things have changed. I have changed and experienced the shattering of my heart several times. We all have. Our stories consist of fractures, brokenness, fragments and so much more. It’s part of being human. One important criteria for living is feeling. The more you feel, the more exposed you are to disappointments, anger, hatred, heartbreaks, dishonesty, etc. But, on the same token we are also exposed to joy, beauty, love, and the rainbows of a thousand delicious emotions. The darkest of hours and moments in our lives push us to either lock up or open up wider. It’s a choice…but we must endure it. Life is not really meant to be a struggle but we sure do a great amount of persistence to make it be impossible. There are always lessons in these experiences. Without sounding over dramatic, I do believe we can die of a broken heart that manifests into a heart attack. We can create illnesses, weaknesses and every imaginable bad thing that can be attracted by intention.

My father had several open heart surgeries. He was a man who loved deeply. He was a Casanova, that one guy that lit a room with his charisma and good looks. He was charming, funny, friendly and extremely loving. He was a womanizer and had a PhD from the Houdini University of Disappearing Into Thin Air. He knew when to take it all in but not know when to let go. My father’s heart was wide open. He wore it on his sleeve, apparently with everyone. And so, he died with heart problems, prostate cancer, and a solitary journey to his death that was long and painful. His mind left him years before he was gone. My father died of not only a broken heart but resentments, anger, and disappointments that he couldn’t express. He lived in his own hell. Each one of us has an incredible novel and his was definitely not boring. He punished himself till the very end for all that he thought he created to hurt others.

We are all going to die. It’s a given. The moment you are born that’s the point of destination. What we do with the in-between is called life. Allow for the darkest parts to guide you into the light. Let creativity step in. A friend sent me a sweet message in an email, “Create! Save God from Boredom!” If you allow your heart to stay open and you accept your presence as a conduit from Divinity you will not die of a broken heart. You will fly and your Spirit will thank you for being authentic to your purpose. Create doesn’t mean to make a painting.  It means create all that you want with intention.  Do not let your heart close up. Do not let it die before your time. Do not let the past dictate your future. You don’t live there anymore. If you are sad, sit with it.  If you are happy invite that to stay for longer.  We grieve, we love, we give, and we die. Amidst the gasps of it all lies the purpose and the legacy of who you are.

Surrender to the unknown!

Make it magical!

I love you!

The Need to Find Home

growth

“Wisdom tells me I am nothing.  Love tells me I am everything.  And between the two my life flows.” – Nisargadatta Maharaj

I have been self-absorbed lately, so much to the point of trying to find purpose on a life I’ve created from love, faith and the awareness of lessons. Ever since I was a child I have always known what I wanted from life. I’ve never been without goals. Except now I am looking for “home” through the internal maze of consciousness. I am not depressed.  I have bouts of sadness at times because of loss, changes, and those who have come and gone, leaving me to question my humanity. I am left to question my character and how I have been part of others and their drama. But, I am aware that we all live through this because it sums the total of our lives. Without reflection and deep introspect we are nothing.

I was driving back from town early this morning and out of the blue, tears began to flow. I was overcome with joy, giddiness and something else. I know there is no such thing as “out of the blue” because inside of each one of us we know the answer to every moment, feeling, and choice. Our psyche will form false illusions through ego, but we all have the answers. I pulled to the side of the road shaking off “the whatever issue” that was strangulating me. Even though it felt good it also felt sad. It is that “whatever” attitude that brought me into releasing the tears. I was admiring the scenery coming up the mountain as the sun was casting minimal light through the fog making the bright colored leaves even more magnificent. I began to say the word, “home,” out loud.

I am home. At this moment I look back at a some very difficult years. I’ve had to re-establish my sense of identity and my purpose as things have evolved. Every change and challenge has pushed me to question my sanity, beliefs, and connections. I’ve made plans and now have had to deviate from many of them. However, the new journey has been delicious because it has shown me other parts of myself. But, at times thoughts transpire and I recognize them as small hiccups that push the internal needs to frustration.

The Divine has reshaped the map to the future with some humorous points. At times I see the irony and humor in the childish idea that I have control of my life. The joke is on me! I realize what home is now. I see it through the faces of loved ones, the places I’ve lived and the memories collected throughout my days. Home is deeper than a place of residence. It is something in me that remembers and settles with ease. This could be through anything. Home is the essence of who I am.

Something happened when I had the near-death experience almost three years ago. Something significant came back with me deleting all sense of fear. Normal problems now seem ridiculously dramatic circumstances trying to push my higher evolution to learn quicker. In this state of awkwardness I let things fall too easily at times, while at other times they grab a hold of me and suck the air out leaving a vast emptiness with answers to no questions. I don’t understand the struggle here on earth. I don’t comprehend the suffering. Where I went in those moments of leaving my physical body I was at peace.  I was engulfed by a light of love. Nothing compares to that. And this morning as I witnessing the reds, oranges and yellows on the mountains, I recognized that sense of awesomeness that must be experienced as I let go. I keep surrendering with constant clarity that whatever is ahead is rigged in my favor.

I want to live fully. I want to live to the highest desire of my authentic soul. I want to live with passion even when I have no clue to what is ahead. I want to watch sunrises and sunsets as often as I can. I want to see my children grow old, experiencing the magnificence of life. I want my friends around me through the tough and easy times. I want to drink wine, slack off, chase fairies at night, have fun, and still be responsible to know better. I want to keep waking up every morning to the smell of this body aging, growing, and expanding. I want my mate to hold me, touch me gently, wipe my cares and tell me that we will be together until we are not. I want to be guided my synchronicity and serendipity. I want to live a life that is meaningful to that light I witnessed as snow was falling outside of the hospital. I want to continue to hear autumn leaves wrestling while mimicking the sound of rain. I want to experience the changing of four seasons for sixty-something more years. I want to look in the mirror and see the best of me that no other person will ever see. I want to meet strangers and give them a smile to take with them. I want to continue to want things that money can’t buy. I want to stop the urgency of hurt in others and let them know that they are not alone.

Life is truly a bitch at times, but we get this incredible opportunity to make it whatever we want. This is our home. This is my home. Mass consciousness carries energy and it’s time to alter the negative vibes and make them positive ones.

I have become little in my “knowing” while constantly being bombarded by my guides and the remnants of passing souls on a day-to-day basis. It’s not easy to live among the living and still have a foot firmly planted through the veils of reality. I returned from that other dimension with a keen awareness of the miracle of consciousness. There is no description that can do justice to the world outside of this physical one.

Even all these years later I try to make sense of my need to go home when I see beauty unfolding as I did this morning. I continue to struggle with fitting in my body while feeling comfortable in my skin and those around me. I have this achy feeling of not belonging in this reality where the complaints outweigh the contentment in humanity. I haven’t a clue of what I want, as I used to, for so long in my life. There is no grounding until we wake up as spiritual beings. I feel that clearly nudging at me through meditation. There are people truly battling the claws of death through illnesses and they are holding on to life with passion (sometimes through fear). I am blessed to have a chance to stay here and breathe one more day.

We, in this human form, waste so much precious time expecting others to make us happy, tell us what we need and should do, and give us a reason to wake every morning. We live with constant stress of perfection that doesn’t exist. We want to know without having to walk the path. There’s no way! It’s better to live with the wisdom of experience, the open heart of love and the in-between world of accepting that we are spiritual beings having a human experience. It’s okay. It is in that world that, I guess, I find home time and time again. The sadness comes and goes. Joy and grace visit just as often. I will continue to move through this world holding tightly to what I do know is true for me.

As I type this I am witnessing the essence of earth dancing outside. This is the quietude of presence that assures me that what’s to come is beyond anything I could imagine. It’s in that anticipation that the willingness to continue spoils me and brings me joy. Won’t you meet me there? Grab a hold of your truth and let it evolve into the best you there will ever be. Your thoughts are ripples in the waves of mass consciousness. Together we will make this place home!

Moon Bathing

moonbathing

The moon woke me from a deep slumber right before midnight luring me outside. I sat on my deck inhaling its energy. It was a clear night. I could see the stars brightly shining on this property. The breeze danced through the trees along with the wind chimes. Each breath I took seem to lead me into prayer and then deeper into meditation. I closed my eyes and began giving all to the light. I opened my heart widely and poured out the love to the universe.

I could feel the vibration from the light healing me, reactivating intuition, and sending me to a place of peace. I live for these moments in full connection and harmony with nature. There is presence. I heard ruffling below as if I had an audience witnessing this bathing of soul. What happens when we open so widely that the world around us becomes magic? Every single cell expands in gratitude.

I was out there for a long while. Several hours passed without consent. I don’t know where I went. I don’t know how I got to the place of serenity that encompasses my divinity. I am grateful not to have to logically figure it out. I don’t need to. God is an omnipotence force that embraces every cell in me.

The wind kissed me often, chilling me to the bone, then warming me back to life. It played with me for a long while until I had to get a blanket. I returned to the womb state cocooned in comfort. There was a mystical force under that moon so powerful that I could not return to bed. I saw me. I saw the world in that moon.

I had a bad day yesterday. I was stricken by sadness and anger. A dear friend who is very intuitive messaged me asking how I was doing. I wrote back: “I wish I could lie and tell you that I am doing fabulous. I wish I could do it without guilt and shame. I am a freaking mess today. I have had hurt come up sitting today in places that have been abandoned…dusting these crevices is not easy. Getting rid of the cobwebs is not fun. I have to continue being in the moment. It’s a conscious effort all day long…breathing and reminding myself that I am not my thoughts, my anxiety nor my memories. This is all an illusion. I am just trying to surf this ebb. I am stricken by anxiety that is causing me panic attacks…this is how I know change is close.

These are not emotions I entertain often. Once I finished sending the message I felt worst. I don’t want pity. I want a solution to these emotions that are coming up. They have their reason for visiting. I know this. This cosmic drainage is not for sissies. This constant wave of pushing and pulling from the bottom of my spirit is not normal. Or is it? Is this part of the conscious shift? Is this part of my emotional and spiritual growth and evolution? Are others feeling this so intense?

I don’t condone a pity party to visit and stay. I don’t know where it came from with such force and I know better than to dive wholeheartedly into it. But, I did. I have to give myself permission for days like that. Today is different. The moon cleared me up like a crystal pulling source from light. There was an inner battle going on and the light of the moon helped clear things up.

Allow yourself time to moon bathe. Give yourself permission to listen to all parts of you under the night sky. When all else is quiet you can feel your truth rise to salute you. It’s not just magical, it’s part of your existence. You are not surviving. You are living in divine light experiencing through love and lessons. You still have tonight to experience this enchantment…go play. Find your unicorn, fairies, and make it a magical night. Dance in the moonlight!~ I love you.

Sometimes life is a river

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There has been some intense vibrational energy moving on overdrive the past few days. I have felt dizzy, nauseated, one minute hot and the next with chills. I’ve had a low fever at times while experiencing the in’s and out’s of time. The challenge has been in keeping track of my day. I don’t know how I would have done it had Matt not taken care of the baby all weekend. He left with her Sunday for a few hours so I could sleep. I was awake and then I was not. Same throughout the night.

A little while ago I took a salt bath with lavender. I am now sweating whatever has been activated. I haven’t had any alcohol since I began the Prozac over a month ago. The best thing I have ever done was rid myself of the occasional wine. And, once we sell this place the anti-depressant will be in the garbage. This is all well and great while going through the process of eliminating and shifting. It’s a band-aid over a wound that needs healing. Eventually I need to let it breathe. I am all for medication as long as I understand it isn’t going to fix the end result. It is aiding me in getting back to my truth. No one can know what goes on in another’s soul. I believe help arrives in many different ways. There’s no need for judgment.

A week after I began taking the pills I was in the French Broad River with friends white-water rafting. In the middle of paddling and being instructed…”one, two…” I heard nothing. The voice in my head had somehow stopped. I felt that sense of being outside of me. Finally the medicine hit me and out in the wilderness of the unknown. What a metaphor! It’s one of those things that was so apparent that I had to pep talk myself to the edge of the river to get off and come back into me. The anxiety was gone. It was as if someone took my head out of my ass and I was breathing normally again. I was able to see and hear and enjoy the river without having to control the thoughts.  I had been on such a tremendous panic mode for so long that I didn’t realize how sick I had become. For the rest of the day I got quieter. Friends asked if I was okay. I couldn’t really say what I was and I was not ready to share that I was taking medicine. I was feeling the release of everything that had me so tightly held inside while being on that gorgeous river. With each dip and level I was able to find Millie again…the level-headed woman who can focus.  I found love for me through the scenery of nature.   

Anxiety is born from fear of the unknown. The need to control a situation begins to escalate and before you realize it your world spins out of orbit. It’s not an emotion I do well. I used to live like that but I had not for a long time. What it created was the injustice and unfairness of not following my spiritual truth. No, the pills don’t bring me spirituality. My spirit, my essence, my knowing bring me back to spirituality. My authentic truth is regained through the process of eliminating the fears of what will be, what might happen, and what can I do. The only thing I can do right now is heal. There is room to breathe. Depression, sadness, anxiety and the weakening of mentality is a HUGE cry for change. I am glad that for the third time in my life I have said, “Okay, I can’t do this alone. I need something to help me get pass this event.” Each time after a few months I recharge and find my center.  I am not a good pill taker.  I am not consistent with anything but love and my spiritual practice.

Since Friday afternoon there has been energy in vortexes outside. I have opted to stay indoors. I can hear the expansion of something happening. Old paradigms get activated when we try to rationalize what is going on. So I don’t. I move through forgiving myself for anything that has caused me discomfort…for allowing the ego to take the wheel.  My mind and spiritual body know better.  I forget at times.  When it doesn’t feel right I continue allowing and honoring my spirit by staying quietly in my room. Whatever was passing through cosmically seems to be ending. This is the gift of an empath…the knowing that everything passes with time. I don’t feel the buzzing of intense energy vibrating at a totally different rhythm. I feel me again. I have sweated and purged so much in the past three days: emotionally and physically. I have prayed, meditated and listened to fantastic Chakra music.  I have allowed Spirit to guide me through this small retreat. I have released what had been suffocating and strangling within the cellular levels of my knowing. I know the answers to me. I am finally able to revisit the calmness. It’s not a pretty sight to go through crap without really knowing how it will show up at the end. I cannot verbalize what I don’t understand while moving through the healing. I need the space alone to do so. Luckily, I have folks who understand this about me. I am blessed.

Last night before I finally fell asleep I asked consciousness to get rid of anything that isn’t for my highest calling. I have been releasing ever since. We forget that we have the power to demand our bodies to heal. We have the knowledge and the know-how but refuse ourselves the decency to feel the strength inside of us. We forget. We forget that we are God, divine wisdom, spiritual beings in human form. We need reminding every so often. I have to give myself a pep talk every so often to remind me that I hold the key to my life: health, abundance, growth, body, mind…everything. I got this! And, like me, you have the answers to all you need! You are not alone in this journey…there are many of us weaving the fabric of humanity to change! It’s magical…it’s Godly…it’s us!

There’s no shame in asking for help

depression

There comes a point in everyone’s life where there’s no return. You pass the point of certainty and assurance. The doors close. The windows are nailed shut. Surviving is too much. The darkness embraces you in a warm blanket of despair and it just feels better to stay there. Depression hits anyone. It doesn’t care about social status, gender, age, race, or ethnicity.  Depression doesn’t care that you are “tight with God,” a church goer, a monk, or even the most spiritual being out there.

In 2001, right after 9/11, I woke up on a cement floor in a park close to midnight. I didn’t recognize my surroundings. I walked out of that park and believed that it was 1987. I had blood in my hair and forehead, scratched knees, my body was mangled. I was in search of a home I had in 1987 which was nowhere near where I was living in 2001. In my disorientation I could not make heads or tails of who I was or what I was doing in that neighborhood. After a long and brutal awareness with the police I ended up in an ambulance alone on the way to a hospital. I looked like a drug addict, rape victim, all bruised and disoriented and because my answers didn’t coincide with the events of that year, I was treated unjustly. Later when I woke in the ER I found my life had moved many years into the future. The husband I had at 19 was not the same at 33. I had six children and couldn’t remember a single face.  I had no clue what had happened to me. The new partner in my life was a man who truly manipulated everything and just being in the presence of this stranger made things worst.  How could this be my life?  I had entered The Twilight Zone.  The universe was playing a sick joke on me.  I surfed a million of emotions during those days.

When I was released from the hospital, still without a clue of how I lost my memory or what I was doing in that park so late at night, a friend visited me at home. I didn’t recognized her, but she sat with me outside as I held my head sideways on my shoulder. The spinal tap had done a number on my system. I was leaking spinal fluid and nothing was holding me up. The headache and pressure were astronomical and I have never felt such severe pain ever since. My life was being sucked out of me every second. But, this friend confided that days prior to this event I had called her and told her that I was going to end it all. It was time to check out.  The struggling was way too much.  There had to be something better. We had lost all our money. We went from being millionaires to having $10 in our account. I told her that I had driven my car on and off the expressway ramp to an overpass bridge and I was going to ride myself off it (but the fear that I would hurt another was too much to bear). She continued to tell me that she had been so worried that she prayed that someone would knock some sense into me. Her prayers were answered. Hearing this about my life as if it wasn’t me made matters worst.  I was listening to a story that didn’t pertain to me. I had no recollection of such an event. What a horrible life I was living! NO wonder I got a break.  The injury was a blessing and the lessons from it transformed me into a different person.

Days later, after being admitted into a psych ward, the memories began to reappear slowly. I had been hit on the back of the head by a teenager with a racket and left on the ground. I have no clue how long I was unconscious. The thoughts began to collide with a new reality. I fell right back into the deep depression. The universe gave me a small pause, an opportunity to regroup, but the emotions were still deep in there. The worst part of all was not being recognized, not being heard, and the delusion that everything was perfectly fine back at home. The weeks that followed became a game of survival. No one spoke of the event. No one asked me how I was feeling. Things between my ex and my mother (who was living with us) moved in their own narcissistic way. Dying was easier than living. But, on that psychiatric floor, witnessing true devastation, and many who had lost loved ones in 9/11 I began to count my blessings for a short period of time.  And, although I have a huge memory loss of events before that accident I can still remember the smell of waking up on that park floor, the taste of blood on my lips, the lemon size clot on my forehead, and the disorientation of self.  I was given a second chance.

There’s something about the dark hole that doesn’t understand rational analysis. This place doesn’t care how much you try to correct the behavior or fix the initial problem. It’s not just one problem. It’s not about readjusting thoughts and aligning them with happy ones. That shit doesn’t work when you are inside the hole without a ladder, food or light. Depression is brutal and it requires a village of hands to pull you out of it and sometimes some excellent drugs to help get to the root of how you got into that darn hole. As I write this I am thinking of a dear friend who is battling through this. I have lost several folks in my life because of this tyrant goon. I don’t want to lose anymore. I understand the hopelessness, helplessness, and faithless behavior. Ego has a way of adding more to the stories than are really there. It’s part of disorder.

I have been fortunate to have people who love me and see when I begin to slip. I am not always up in the air with joy. I am human. We all have sad moments. But when the sadness starts to take over and living becomes a challenge….darling, that’s time to get help! This is nothing to conquer on your own. There’s no shame in asking for a hand. Vulnerability is part of the process.

I say this from the bottom of my heart: if you are reading this and there’s a struggle (a tug and war) between living and dying PLEASE get help. Spirituality and psychology can only go so far if you don’t reach out to another. I can pray and meditate and distract myself for days, but if depression is lurking none of that helps. You are not alone. You don’t have to feel alone. That’s an illusion. Make a list of all the things that bring you gratitude. Make a list of the things that have brought you joy. Get up and make the call to God, a friend, a therapist, and take the hand of someone who cares. Depression is not something to battle alone. I am still here. You are still reading this. There is still HOPE!  Please don’t be another statistic.

Have a blessed day. Make it a great one. I love you. I love you. I love you.