The Secrets Kept

My 4-year-old woke extra early this morning. He turned over, grabbed my face with both his hands, put his forehead against mine and whispered, “Mommy, I cannot tell you all my secrets. Maybe someday!”
I said, “Okay. Whenever you are ready.” I brought him closer to me.

What secrets can he possible have, or dreamt about?
 
Several years ago, I remember reading an article about a study on secrets. They found that most people had an average of 13 secrets, 5 which they never shared with anyone. That’s a lot of shame and guilt being held inside!

“When the participants were asked if they were keeping secrets related to any of these categories, they found that the average person was currently keeping 13 of the 38 secrets – five of which they have never told anyone about.”
You can read a similar article here: https://www.sciencealert.com/science-predicts-you-re-hiding-13-secrets-and-half-of-those-you-ve-never-told-a-soul
 
The thing is that sharing a secret with another can be risky. The possibility of betrayal and/or judgment are always a gamble. Nothing can distance us from ourselves as the secrets we hold. And nothing can break us more than the betrayal of someone you trusted with them.

I remember when I read that article and I started to ponder on the things I haven’t shared with anyone. I couldn’t count them. The moment I started I got panicky. Those things that have been stored inside due to shame, oppression, guilt, self-worth and humiliation are inside locked away. I always forget the ones that people share with me. I am talking about my own.

I have trusted folks with intimate details of my life. In those moments it has felt deliciously freeing. The thing is that there is a fear of those things coming out into the open through them sharing with others. I trust… pretty much most people. I have had intimate relationships with lovers (and spouses) and have watched myself in what I share. Too many times, it has come back to bite me and left massive scars.

The betrayal I felt in my last relationship has closed me up and is teaching me to use my discernment wisely. Trust is something I am learning again in my life. I am opening up the doors to the closet and releasing old wounds, shame and triggers. I have felt exposed and vulnerable. I have done it through self-love. When you trust another, you give away your insecurities. When that person utilizes your vulnerability and confidence, wow! it can be heartbreaking.

So, when my little boy declared that he couldn’t tell me all his secrets, I completely understood. God only knows what he experienced in his night travels.

We become the secrets that we keep. Due to a brain injury years ago, I don’t remember much of anything that shames me from younger years. The newer things, well, I have worked on letting them go and not necessarily by sharing with another. I believe that’s why therapist have been ever present in my life. There is a confidentiality agreement and clause. That kind of feels safer!

I am sweetly amazed at the things that come up in my sessions with clients. The old crud that has been lingering inside them, eating at their hearts. When it comes up and out, I see a massive soul retrieval and balance. There is a space between the secret and release that is energetically palpable and beautiful to witness.

You do not have to share every intimate experience or situation in your life with others. But what you could do is write them down, burn them, and let go of the shame. Every single experience you have ever had has brought you to this very moment in your life. Every event has molded you into the person that you are right now. We grow from everything.

There is another side to secrets. When you discover that a person you trust is not the person you thought they were, that is also heartbreaking. There are good people in this world who have had shitty things happen. And there are people who aren’t so good, and keep really immoral shit covered up. You get to decide what you tolerate in another. Who truly ever knows anyone completely?

I love you. You aren’t alone on this journey. Share, or not share, it’s up to you. But please be kind with the things you have inside that steal your joy.

Always…
Millie

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Secrets Kept

secrets

“I thought about how there are two types of secrets: the kind you want to keep in, and the kind you don’t dare to let out.” – Ally Carter

Secrets have a cost. We all have them because of taboo, shame, guilt, intimacy, embarrassment, and self-worth issues. Meantime, while they sit inside gaining energy, they eat away at our psyche. Ego feeds them with remorse and negativity. Secrets often times have a huge price to them. And even though we are entitled to keep things to ourselves, there are those little secrets that still nag for release. There are those small disclosures that eat at us in disgrace. Unfortunately, the longer they are kept in the closet the larger they become.

Sometimes, in the middle of nothing in particular, I return to a specific memory. In that memory I can conjure up the emotions of that time, with the person, and the things exchanged. I realize I have never been one to dig for secrets, including my very own. The reason my exes could cheat so easily was due to the fact that I never checked them. I never went through their things. I never followed them, until I was ready to face the moment of truth. Then there was no going back. I am completely oblivious to my surroundings, and when in my own bubble, I try to stay there out of fear.

What I’ve learned, through journaling and past therapy, is that avoidance is a form of keeping secrets. If you can’t be willing to dive into the heartache and discomfort then the secret continues to lie inside. Sometimes the best way to keep a secret is to pretend there isn’t anything to keep. Is it a form of delusion? Is it clinical and psychological avoidance of sorts? Is it survivor instincts repressing the deep and emotional pain? I don’t really know why we keep certain things inside.

I don’t have many secrets. I can’t really say there is anything badly enough to keep eating at me. The few things gathered in a basket of shhh, are more personal things about love and relationships. Some sweet intimate memories must remain inside forever. They are mine to hold and cherish alone.

The shame from my rape at 18 took eighteen years to be released. It had become an inconceivable shameful event that created many self-esteem issues. Once that was purged, I was able to allow for restoration and restitution. I was able to free myself from the monsters. Now there isn’t much inside that can control my psyche with oppression, only secrets of the loving kind. The secrets that are filled with shame birth a new identity in us. Those things that are due to infidelities, stealing, lying, sexual indiscretions, rape, abuse and much more, are the ones we need to allow release. The letting go of such “monsters” allows for divinity to step inside. Forgiveness is easier when it is for someone else. Real forgiveness, however, starts inside. The past has allowed each one of us to get here. We learn from our mistakes. We are better because of the lessons gathered along the path of life.

Skeletons in the closet serve no purpose unless you are decorating for Halloween. We are created in the light of Spirit. In that light all secrets are diminished. Let go and realize that you are not your secrets. You are evolution of such experiences. Good or bad, they have brought you to the awareness of today.

“And when at last you find someone to whom you feel you can pour out your soul, you stop in shock at the words you utter— they are so rusty, so ugly, so meaningless and feeble from being kept in the small cramped dark inside you so long.” – Sylvia Plath