Speaking Truth

I have had time to process this past weekend’s retreat experience. I suspect that within all the intense energies swirling lately I will be processing even deeper. I have released something powerful. Magical doesn’t begin to describe it.

Truth.

Spirituality is birthed through it. We are awakened by it. We are created to honor it. We expand in its presence.

I’ve spoken truth. Painful as it was I said it out loud. It was received without judgement. It was held in another person’s hands full of forgiveness and divine love. My heart felt the brokenness receive light through small actions of pure love and acceptance.

Cause…I’ve lied and cheated and participated in some sinful human experiences. I have carried it for decades searching for redemption. We all make mistakes, especially when you are young. Unfortunately, in the same intensity and depth of passion that I love I also, tenaciously, hold myself accountable. Passionately loathing things I’ve done while feeling that I’ve hurt another. I didn’t even realize the punishment I was doing to myself. Such horrific injustice wasting nights creating stories on how to ask for forgiveness. I wasn’t aware of the weight. Passion carries through everything I do so it’s painful when the energy is toxic, stagnant and sabotaging to my soul. Cellular memories hold things forever until we truly let go completely.

I starts with truth.

Releasing and forgiveness are powerful. I had been able to surrender so much in my life. But there was one thing that no matter how much I tried, how much therapy I got, or how many letters I wrote would not let go. I required those secrets to be faced in person.

My passionate heart needed to be holding that person in front of me. I needed to look into her eyes and say the words out loud. I needed to feel her. Even if she didn’t resonate with me I needed to take accountability for my actions. I needed to say, “I am sorry. I am deeply sorry for hurting you….”

I am blessed to have had the most cathartic and healing experience ever. Let’s face it we are our own worst enemy. We harbor shame and guilt while feeding it with self loathing. Most often it’s done in a subconscious level. We aren’t even aware of it until something brings it up. And then again we harbor the pain, unable to let it go. We return to memories like a time machine but unable to make changes for those experiences (the same experiences that provided growth).

Forgiveness is not just for another. It is for the self. In the process of asking for it we are surrendering to spirit. We are allowing the universe to sacredly create holiness through those experiences. Every action brings with it a reaction. In truth we are recreating from love.

The stories we create are painful. This is why sharing with full vulnerability is healing. The moment we speak up the darkness and shame loses power.

This weekend I was among angels. I was exposed to love and forgiveness through stories. So I ask you to please make amends with your past. Find a way to do it through a letter, a touch, or however your soul asks. Just do it! Don’t keep putting it off.

Once truth comes out you will ask yourself why you waited so long? You will feel a sense of remorse for not letting it go sooner. And you will laugh. Because that will begin to also help heal those raw wounds. Joy will replace guilt in no time.

We don’t have to be present in front of the ones we’ve hurt but it sure helps when the person is there to hear it.

Thank you, my dear sweet woman. You know who you are. You have allowed me to see me completely while seeing you. You allowed me to witness my own reflection in the love you have returned. I am able to feel love that I rejected because I thought I was not a good person. In your immense faith I, too, have acquired more. I love you. I love me. And in the process I love us.

Secrets Kept

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“I thought about how there are two types of secrets: the kind you want to keep in, and the kind you don’t dare to let out.” – Ally Carter

Secrets have a cost. We all have them because of taboo, shame, guilt, intimacy, embarrassment, and self-worth issues. Meantime, while they sit inside gaining energy, they eat away at our psyche. Ego feeds them with remorse and negativity. Secrets often times have a huge price to them. And even though we are entitled to keep things to ourselves, there are those little secrets that still nag for release. There are those small disclosures that eat at us in disgrace. Unfortunately, the longer they are kept in the closet the larger they become.

Sometimes, in the middle of nothing in particular, I return to a specific memory. In that memory I can conjure up the emotions of that time, with the person, and the things exchanged. I realize I have never been one to dig for secrets, including my very own. The reason my exes could cheat so easily was due to the fact that I never checked them. I never went through their things. I never followed them, until I was ready to face the moment of truth. Then there was no going back. I am completely oblivious to my surroundings, and when in my own bubble, I try to stay there out of fear.

What I’ve learned, through journaling and past therapy, is that avoidance is a form of keeping secrets. If you can’t be willing to dive into the heartache and discomfort then the secret continues to lie inside. Sometimes the best way to keep a secret is to pretend there isn’t anything to keep. Is it a form of delusion? Is it clinical and psychological avoidance of sorts? Is it survivor instincts repressing the deep and emotional pain? I don’t really know why we keep certain things inside.

I don’t have many secrets. I can’t really say there is anything badly enough to keep eating at me. The few things gathered in a basket of shhh, are more personal things about love and relationships. Some sweet intimate memories must remain inside forever. They are mine to hold and cherish alone.

The shame from my rape at 18 took eighteen years to be released. It had become an inconceivable shameful event that created many self-esteem issues. Once that was purged, I was able to allow for restoration and restitution. I was able to free myself from the monsters. Now there isn’t much inside that can control my psyche with oppression, only secrets of the loving kind. The secrets that are filled with shame birth a new identity in us. Those things that are due to infidelities, stealing, lying, sexual indiscretions, rape, abuse and much more, are the ones we need to allow release. The letting go of such “monsters” allows for divinity to step inside. Forgiveness is easier when it is for someone else. Real forgiveness, however, starts inside. The past has allowed each one of us to get here. We learn from our mistakes. We are better because of the lessons gathered along the path of life.

Skeletons in the closet serve no purpose unless you are decorating for Halloween. We are created in the light of Spirit. In that light all secrets are diminished. Let go and realize that you are not your secrets. You are evolution of such experiences. Good or bad, they have brought you to the awareness of today.

“And when at last you find someone to whom you feel you can pour out your soul, you stop in shock at the words you utter— they are so rusty, so ugly, so meaningless and feeble from being kept in the small cramped dark inside you so long.” – Sylvia Plath

The Sage in Elders

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Last night I dreamed with my maternal grandmother. She was born and immediately became an orphan. Her mother died while giving birth. Her dad left. Her older brother who was about 20 years her senior watched after her until he could send her to boarding school. My grandmother was a quiet woman. She never said much but observed the world around her. She was in her seventies when I came along. I would sit near her taking in her silence, watching her blue-green eyes that were overly magnified by her thick glasses. I would touch her thin-soft porcelain hands and hold them in my little chubby ones.

What I remember from her are snippets of stories that usually brought some sort of lesson. She only shared them with me because I enjoyed listening so attentively to her soft pace and rhythm. She was poise and graceful. There was so much silence in her world because my grandfather was a powerhouse of noise and attitude. Natalia was gentle that way. She seemed to bring his demeanor to a calming state. I never understood their dynamic. I never understood how they slept in two separate twin beds in a large home with so many other rooms to spare. I never understood how they never touched. I never understood how she lived painfully taking things in and keeping them secretive. But, that was the way things were done a hundred years ago.

My grandmother died on her 95 birthday. She left on the same day she came in. I sat by her that morning. She was incoherent. She opened her eyes, I squeezed her gentle hands, and she closed her eyes acknowledging that it was time. Her soul left so quickly that it felt as if someone had undressed her body and opened up space for nothingness. I remember being 21 years old and experiencing that first encounter of seeing life leave in an instance. It was magical. It was as if she finally didn’t need to keep all those secrets bottled up to herself. It was as if she finally had permission to be the angelic presence she had been on earth. She seemed to never fit…until that moment her soul flew to the heavens.

Last night in that dream she didn’t wear her thick glasses. She was younger. She sat next to me on my porch and, like when I was young, spoke softly while utilizing just enough words to get her message across. She had been an English teacher in Puerto Rico. She was raised in a nun’s convent in Ohio. Her stories were always missing something and last night she seemed to arrive with all those missing parts.

That’s the thing about stories, huh? They come at the precise time we need to hear them. Sometimes the same story can be retold or re-read a thousand times but with each word a new awareness arises to some other level. We are shaken to open. Her quietness and presence eventually shook me to awake. In a cold rainy night I could feel her presence, smell her fragrance, and taste her words. Today I am wearing her smile, her gentleness and I recognize it’s important to continue collecting those stories…especially from our elders who become sages of time. It’s imperative to listen. It’s crucial to be present with others who need us. I am grateful and blessed for each one of you who reaches out and asks for love. Love comes from different sources in this universe. Collect those hearts from all the places that are sent to you.

Thank you. Love is returned back with deep blessings! ~ Millie

I’ve Spent a Life

I have ran around

the truth

of ever knowing what I knew

while denying my intuition

the right to decide

and adhere to its validity.

 

I’ve spent years,

time and energy,

avoiding this truth

and here it is

directly in my face  —

I can’t disregard its motion any longer;

I can’t avoid its existence

with its ugliness and rawness…

I can finally let go and fly free.

 

It’s been years,

but it feels like yesterday,

for the depth,

the ache,

the humiliation

has arrived with

a surprising force

allowing ego to take the driver’s seat.

 

I will not wallow

in self-pity,

self preservation,

as I know Karma

has no expiration date.

 

You were always so eager

to point out to the world

my flaws,

my human traits,

in every situation that

arrived

that was not in accordance

with your universe.

 

I have no use to continue

this confirmation

that breezed into my life

with today’s rain,

rattling leaves,

breaking branches,

causing a mild flood

so I can finally terminate

the need to soften our memories

to our children,

our friends,

and specially to myself

while making excuses for

our failures.

 

I’ve spent a life

running from those thoughts,

the traumas created by dictatorship,

and I finally feel the breath

of divinity guiding me through

any dark moments.

 

Benefit of doubt

is only good for those

who can truly change.

I forgave you long ago,

even when I didn’t know,

even when you twisted and turned

all truth.

Forgiveness wasn’t for you…

it was for me.

 

I spent a life

falling in and out of love

with myself

because of you…

but tonight

I finally know the truth:

you never deserved me

and my whole-hearted trust.

Paying an Invisible Debt

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My darling fiancé, Matt, likes to quote Mark Twain, “Worrying is like paying a debt you don’t owe.”  I am reminded that worrying solves nothing.  It’s like filling an imaginary bucket with fears.  The false impression of controlling an event is what gets us stirred up in the first place.  Everything does happen in divine order.  When he says this quote I am able to move from a small doubt to the knowing that I have no dept to pay.

Each person moves at a different spectrum especially when we are being tested with huge obstacles, events, and challenges.  Life does not happen to us.  Life happens through us. When we let go of those stressful strains that fill our spaces, trying to fill the empty bucket with anxiety, we let go of the struggles. Ah!  There is a battle always going on inside of us: ego vs. spirit.  We are such complex beings, because we are created in the image of divinity, but we fight against it. The ego loves to create the lie of separation.

It is said that time heals all wounds. This is only if and when we are ready to release what has hurt us.  I’ve known people whose wounds are older than me and are still living in the memory of the event and trauma.  Surrendering, letting go, releasing…these are all beautiful words of wisdom.  They sound simple.  It’s like telling a person who lives on adrenaline to stop and relax.  How?  How can one start to let go? How do we release the illusion of fear? Not everything that needs to be learned is pretty.  Some things are monstrous, shameful and horrendous in nature, but it is those things that require release the most.  Piggy backing secrets is a sure way of stomping growth and the flow of life. And because we are creatures of habit and patterns the fears of past events overcast the future. The distress of unknown factors create a mountain out of flat land.

I said to Matt this morning that life is an adventure.  He answered, “Not always, babe.”  I then said that not all adventures were fun, exciting, and wonderful.  Some adventures are pretty darn nasty.  I am learning everyday to throw caution to the wind or at least giving it a try.  As a friend recently said, “We can achieve anything as long as we get out of our own way.”  I am constantly reminded that what keeps me from achieving anything is me.  What allows me to grow is me. What allows me to release is me.  What releases the drama is me.  And, at times what creates the same drama is me. I am getting better at releasing and surrendering.  I don’t recognize the woman I was just a year ago, or even five months ago.  I am peeling the onion layers at a time, but instead of getting smellier as I get to the core, I am getting sweeter.  It isn’t easier to face those things that have no answers at this moment.  It can be scary.  It can be daunting.  But, I do realize the need to abandon all control to God.  His master plan is flawless, even when I don’t like it.  Life is orchestrated to be lived through layers of complexity and simplicity; dark and light, yes and no.  The duality of everything makes us, breaks us, and re-creates us.

What are you willing to surrender in order to start living an authentic life?  We all have to be honest and determine what’s important.  If your past is killing you then stop looking at the rear view mirror, you don’t live there anymore.  Sharing and letting go frees the skeletons in the closet and allows you to finally bury them in the ground.  You are only responsible for your life and your choices! Stop trying to pay debts that aren’t due or owed or even in the near future.  If you must, live one-second-at-a-time because during some circumstances living one-day-at-a-time seems like too much. And that’s all we can do to surf the wave of uncertainty.

Ode to Spring

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Through the mist,

cradled outside the tunnel of light,

I leave behind the winter

and now reside in the shadows of spring.

Shades of change awaiting rebirth

as the path from dark turns to light

in beautiful calmness and clearing

of all waking dreams.

Pleasant afternoons with evening magic

resurface under a canopy of blue and mystical skies.

It’s like sleep walking through seasons

of golden serenity

while watching the metamorphosis of nature —

spring bursting out in orchards, blooming, blossoming.

Southern mystery bathes in spring rain,

and the oak trees salute in glory,

the dogwood in angelic modes,

the tulips in rainbow vibrancy,

all in moments of perfect beauty captured in fields of solitude.

I want to meet you there

kindly enticing me to awake from slumber.

Pillars of bark and leaves align them selves

calling the sun, teasing it through and through.

Imagine the depth of each bloom,

the secret of each blade,

the breath of each life

the sound of every birth.

This takes me, pulls me, enfolds me

with reflections of green on a canvas of nature

allowing me to forget the length and mystery of its arrival.

I am born again.