Freedom

 

freedomOkay, let’s start today finding inner freedom through strength and wisdom. Follow your divine guidance. You do not live in a prison…except for the thoughts you carry and entertain. Set them free. At any given time you have the choice to see the light or the darkness. Which one will you choose?

Rise Above 


I’ve made some difficult decisions lately as I had to be true to what my soul was expressing. I have spent a lifetime avoiding my desires while feeling guilt and shame for another. 
Do I do this? Do I do that? What if I do this, will it affect this person? Oh…it’s just easier to do that which feels right. It’s time to be authentic to what I will or will not do. And it’s magical. It’s important to remember the stories of past events and return to the present with full awareness of the lessons. 
Virginia Woolf said, “You cannot find peace by avoiding life.” Life needs to be acknowledged in its complete presence. It needs the wisdom of time, gratitude for each breath, and love for each connection. If you allow it, life will break you and then stitch those parts into a more remarkable being. When you let life guide without the fears of the unknown, through faith and trust, it will give you everything you have wanted and more…while being fully present with joy. 
This is the adventure. 
We are who we are because of the stories from the past. It’s in recognizing what we care to do with joy and what we won’t tolerate any longer that the magic begins to create through fairy dust particles of miracles. Things open up to align with your gifts and wishes. 
Every road into memories and events allows us to figure out where we came from and how we got here. It becomes an unconscious clearing in mind, body and spirit.
Allow yourself to feel alive in those solitary moments when the reminder of living is magnified. Give your soul permission to visit and revisit the parts of you that need mending. Then may you return to the present with a full understanding of how awesome you are! Be embraced by Divinity!
Rise, darling! Rise to your soul’s yearning. Become all that you are meant to be but have forgotten for some time. ~ Millie

Manifest

manifest

We ask. We pray. We yell and demand whatever it is we think will change our lives. We want it now. We want it yesterday. We ask some more. And in the asking we skip over the moments of quietude to wait for an answer from Divinity. Spirit has a way sending signs (literally in a huge billboard) or a song, a word from a stranger or a passage from a book. We get consumed in the illusion of what we assume would be the perfect answer. Listen through synchronicity. You know what you know that you know. So stop placing the stress OUT THERE to the universe without paying attention to your inner voice. You are the creator of your life and the Universe is your co-pilot of creation. Until you believe that you manifest what you desire you will continue to ask the outer world to fix what you can do yourself. Hold your knowing tightly and pay attention to the calmness of spirit. Your soul knows that timing is everything. Ask and it is given…but most of the time it is in a way that your imagination can never have created. It’s sweet and loving and magical.

T is for Trust

traveling

Two friends and I sat yesterday afternoon briefly discussing what we were going to do after our retreat center sold. I get asked a lot about my future plans. “I don’t know” is the only answer I can give. I have no clue. It’s the first time in my life that I don’t have a plan that sets my future on gear. I do know what I don’t want. I can feel my body constrict and heart palpitations take place when I think of settling down again in a house and in one place. I can feel my breathing get erratic when I think about being stuck immediately after getting out of this huge responsibility. So, yes….the I-don’t-know answer is accurate but it’s rarely received well by others. People need certainty. People are conformed and programmed to know. To hear a 47 year-old woman say, “I have no clue” is somehow perceived as an irrational and insane behavior. Some would think I was going through a major midlife crisis.

One of my friends who has been traveling extensively the last few years shared his story. He sold everything and just returned to the states from Italy. He said to me, “T is for trust. Trust is a marvelous design. It will never do you wrong.” And, I have to know that it is. Until this moment I have always known what I needed and wanted and follow through with every expectation.

All of my life I have been stable and responsible in making sure everyone around me was taken care of and was lacking nothing. In the process I stopped asking what Millie wanted. Now in view that there is open fields ahead I have nothing but the idea to take some time and leave the premises. The baby is small enough that she adjusts to anything. Matt (my fiance) can work from any place as long as he has a computer at hand. When I shared with him a month ago that I just couldn’t settle he took a deep breath and said, “We can make this work. We can do whatever you want.”  It’s priceless to have a mate who supports your wishes and desires.  He is excited to trek new mountains, fish in new ponds, and backpack through forests.  I am beyond giddy to experience nature through my own senses rather than reading of others’ experiences. 

The things I know for certain are based on dreams. My middle name is America, after my paternal grandmother. I was destined to travel this country and see every part that has been in my little head all these years. I own the label and title. But, the what if’s seem to start lurking throughout the nights as we get closer to reaching the new stage of this journey. As we close one chapter and another opens I get those familiar doubts visit me in moments of restlessness. Then I remember one of the most amazing quotes from the movie Letters to Juliet: “What” and “If” are two words as non-threatening as words can be. But put them together side-by-side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life: What if? What if? What if? I don’t know how your story ended but if what you felt then was true love, then it’s never too late. If it was true then, why wouldn’t it be true now? You need only the courage to follow your heart.”

Follow your heart”…my spirit keeps echoing in moments of clarity when the world isn’t questioning my motifs. Follow my heart through intuitive guidance that lets me know I will make money writing and traveling (I don’t need to know right now how). Follow all that I know for certain: I cannot be caged like a broken-winged bird. It’s time to take flight and move through my dreams. I want to meet folks along the way and write their stories. I want to be touched spiritually by all that is out there. I have been an obedient student the past five years. It’s time. The voices answer through the nights, “Get through this stage of uncertainty and the world will open up with all the what if’s you have always questioned.”

I urge you to follow your authentic self, dreams, aspirations and childhood goals. Ask yourself what you want and work towards the urgency that screams inside. Don’t let the uncertainty or society tell you what you should do or not do. Go for it. Make it happen. My “I-don’t-know’s” aren’t really unknown. They lie inside with answers that I, alone, choose not to translate to others at this moment. And that’s magical! For the first time the not knowing is overshadowed by what I do know. I am well on the path to enchantment through the balance and alignment of mind, body and spirit. I am ready to begin living a life that is fulfilling to the little girl in me. I am ready to follow the what if’s and make them work for me….

A Mother’s Love

Today is my mother’s birthday. She left this realm over six years ago, eleven days before my 40th birthday. I recognize the emotions that come with dates. I honor the tears, appreciation, love and gratitude that visit with the memories. I try not to have attachments but some days are monumental. My mother was a remarkable woman. She had me at the age of 44. Now raising an infant at the same age that she raised me I can see and feel her in my heart. I can sense the echoes of voices from the past guiding me through intimate moments. I have spoken to her in dreams, waiting for a confirmation of pride for the life I’ve chosen to lead. I wonder what she would say to the woman I’ve become. I was always a “different” child and in the past few years that “difference” has soften me quite a bit. But, that’s the thing about parent-child relationships: we want acceptance and confirmations from our elders. We want to know that our legacy is of good-standing with them. It doesn’t matter how old we get. We still need that unconditional love. We arrive into this world to learn while picking those souls who will give and provide the most important lessons from early on. We enter adulthood, womanhood, and every other stage of development with hope that we are doing the best in this world. We do think through our parents. We return to a place of uncertainty and muttered through it while creating a world of magic.

Two nights ago when the baby woke at 1AM I held her tightly after feeding her. Her little head nudging on my shoulder, her hands holding on to my pj’s and I came to that epitome that no one right now in my life loves me with such unconditional love as this little baby.  Her face lights up every time she sees me. She smiles from the place of divinity with complete and utter gratitude for my presence. Children are non-judgmental and full of light. I forget what it was like with mine not long ago.  I do remember that Patrick (my second son) was so in love with me.  When he was 5 and I was 27 we were driving into our development…(I remember as if it was yesterday and he will be 24 on Tuesday).  From the backseat he said, “Mommy, I wish I could stay 5 forever so I can love you like this.”  I looked at the rear view mirror taking it in.  He was far in advancement in so many levels.  He needed constant challenging because he was so smart and suffered from what is clinically ADHD. I refused the medication so I had to constantly be stimulating him with knowledge and activities.  He was grateful.

Now, this baby is the same.  She’s a smart little soul.  She’s come in with such light and love and this particular morning I had a hard time letting her down to continue her sleep. She didn’t cry or fuss.  I just went to bed thinking, “This is the definition of giving and receiving in God’s terms.  This is the simplicity of life.  We all want to be loved, held, caress, and respected with the utmost presence.”

I am witnessing the miracle of life through her. I wonder if my mother saw that in me at this age. She had two other daughters much older than me. One is 15 years and the other 24 years my senior. In my twenties I didn’t notice these divine moments with my kids as I was too busy trying to survive, constantly stressed with I-don’t-know-what. I wonder what she saw when I would wake in the middle of the night. I wonder how she felt raising a child alone in a world that was so full of judgment, scrutiny, intolerance in a Hispanic community.

I have come to realize that often times we step into our parents’ shoes without truly being conscious. My mother wasn’t ever too keen on my adoptions and “complicating my life.” Whenever issues rose she had a comment or two that made me feel as if no matter what I did with my kids it wasn’t sufficient. But one day, sharing some hurtful words of betraying friends and how I was not a normal parent my mother stepped up to the plate and said, “Of course they think that about you. You make it look so easy. Anything that looks that easy with six kids must be wrong. Envy is an ugly monster.” In that comment I heard pride. She couldn’t say I was doing it right but her words allowed me to witness the sincerity of motherhood, woman to woman. She admired my tenacity and compassion. She never understood the need to help these kids but she finally stepped back and watched.

Now, on her birthday I light a candle in front of her picture. She’s lovely. My mother was always well put. She never left the house without makeup. Unlike me, she dressed to impress. She used to say that the deeper her issues and problems were the more she got dolled up. No one needed to know what she was experiencing. I admire that.

I am settling into a new role while understanding my beautiful mother. Within all her beauty and flaws there was divinity. She was wise and fearless. She was intelligent and resourceful. She was a go-getter and wasn’t afraid of change. I have acquired those qualities of tenacity and persistence. Happy birthday, Josefina! Thank you for teaching me how to mother, be a mother and love as a mother from a place of spirit. I hope you know I will always admire and love you until we meet again!

Illusion of Fear

The tumbling urgency of a circular staircase

spiraling down,

                                            down,

                             down,

                                          to the rattling tremors

                  of an internal hell.

The anticipation of the unknown

          finding… each…  step

                  more difficult,

             deceitful,

wilting into welts of fire

                                                   everywhere inside.

The anxiety of false expectations,

monitoring each part of the body,

                                                     falsifying the reality

                    that it is an absolute….. TRUTH.

The obscure stress

of what will never appear

                but as the steps… get… closer

       to the door of the unknown,

the body  s h a k e s,

                    whispers in h-o-r-r-o-r,

and this “hell” is experienced

                                                as a substantial evidence

of what the imagination

                               creates as real.

Ultimately,

with a breath…

….a prayer….

….a silent gesture to Heaven…

it loses intimidation

and becomes the bravery of the Spirit.

            You are what you create.  

                               You are your thoughts.

                                               You are Divine.

The All of Self

iam

Who I was and who I am

is nothing

of what I will

become.

I cannot change

the things I’ve done,

but I can always

alter my evolution.

Every lesson,

mistake,

failure,

success,

joy,

misfortunes,

and the kaleidoscope

of events

molded me to

this reality.

Each road blocked,

every path taken,

have allowed this new me

to give birth.

I can never be that woman.

I will never be this way again.

I can be the vehicle

to whatever spirit wants

as I consciously open

mind,

heart,

soul

and follow the light

that is now guiding me…

to become the all of self.

Witness

awareness

Search outside

this life

through the fog of your consciousness

to capture the objectivity

of each new day

and all the gifts taken for granted.

Witness the layers

of solitude and emptiness,

love and compassion,

faith and belief

in each particle of mankind.

In the purest of hearts lies truth

that can be felt

but not touched,

sensed but by no means held,

understood but never mastered.

There, in your solitude

allow Spirit to move you,

opening wide to vulnerability –

exposing to our infinite connection

in this web of humanness

we refer to as humanity

by letting the I AM become

the part of oneness…

you,

me,

and all.

Self-Deception

forgiveness

I am a liar.  I have lied to myself for the greater part of my adult life.  But the reality is that sometimes you have to find the lie to learn the truth.  The stories I have tied to me are insane.  Nothing is ever what it seems: to me is one way; to the world another.  And, then the truth of what is…is never what it seems.  Napoleon said that “history is a set of lies agreed upon.”  That’s how I’ve dealt with all the unknown and unaccepted truths.  I’ve created a version of lies told and accepted by Ego.  We all do this.  I am not alone on this path.  The lies we tell the world are nothing in comparison to the lies we tell ourselves…and believe.

Half-truths, omissions, and negativity have consistently been guiding me through my life.  I believed I couldn’t paint any longer since I was a teenager.  I stopped altogether when my mother didn’t let me go to Paris to study art after high school.  I told myself that I wasn’t good enough to pick up a brush.  I wasn’t worthy of splashing color on a canvas.  This might be a small detail to someone but to me it has been a living lie.  And, in that omission of creativity I have stopped a part of my spirit and passion.  I am reminded:

“The man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie comes to such a pass that he cannot distinguish the truth within him, or around him, and so loses all respect for himself and for others. And having no respect he ceases to love, and in order to occupy and distract himself without love he gives way to passions and coarse pleasures, and sinks to bestiality in his vices, all from continual lying to other men and to himself.” – Fyodor Dostoyevsky

We all find a place in between spaces where lies manipulate our identities.  “You aren’t good enough!  You aren’t pretty or handsome.  You aren’t worthy enough because you lack intelligence. You suck at being a parent.  You are this.  You are that.  You are….”  There are millions of ways we listen to others and rarely speak of beauty to ourselves.  From the time I was a child my sister and others in my family always said I had the ugliest feet.  Until I was well into my twenties I didn’t wear sandals or open-toe shoes.  I had grown to believe my feet were hideous.  And this was a small lie.  Now imagine the larger ones in respect to our intelligence, sexuality, personality, spirituality and such that we believe from others and then make it part of our reality.

We are always seeing ourselves through others’ eyes.  Everyone’s opinion determines our identities and personalities.  We change hair color to fit with society.  We use wrinkle creams and diet excessively to fit the expectations others project.  What would actually happen if we began to speak gentler and lovingly with ourselves?  What would the voice of our spirit finally say in pride?  It’s easier to believe the lies than the truth.  What would happen if we told the truth of our desires, passion, intimacy and dreams?  Our humanness is created to learn from pain and disappointment.  Anytime we are forced to move forward it isn’t via comfort.  It is by going out into the unknown and battling the lies.  Truth is Spirit.  Truth is divine order, compassion, forgiveness, and love.  We believe the lies to be truer than any truth.  It’s time to stop!

I woke this morning to a beautiful email from a friend reminding me of what’s important.  She always expresses her concerns.  In a few words each day we return love and small sentences sharing the day’s events.  I have a tremendous support system in my life.  I have to remind myself of truth:  I am not alone in this.  The lies I’ve told myself for so long about having to do it alone have taken a toll on me.  I am not alone.  My toes aren’t disastrous.  My gray hair doesn’t make me look like an old lady.  My weight doesn’t determine my energy.  I am not the lies my Ego has chosen to tell me excessively.  I am a beautiful-vibrant soul shining my own light.  And together, you and I, can learn to be more loving, respectful, and gentler with ourselves while forgiving the self-sabotage of a lifetime.  It really isn’t any of my business what anyone thinks of me, BUT it is all of my truth what I think of myself.  Let’s stop the self-deceit…it isn’t worth it!

“No man was ever so much deceived by another as by himself.” ~ Fulke Greville

Living…Me

I want to live life
stretching
through the lengths,
the widths,
dancing in between
the highs and lows.

I want to embrace
the shadows,
kissing the light
that at times dims
the core of my existence
but never
worrying about
the whys or hows.

I crave the touch of a smile
through my eyes,
the caress of a word
through my ears
and the taste of love
through my skin.

This is living.
This is my mission.
This is me.

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