Sacred Spaces

Sundays….

They were not very welcoming a few years back. Sundays meant an entire day of cleaning a motel/retreat center especially during spring and summer. Now Sundays are about being still. I try to give this day a sacred space of not doing much.

This morning in meditation something came up about sacredness. The same sacredness I give to Sundays I am required to give to everything. Especially those things that annoy me.

A woman tore me a new one this week on this personal blog page. She apparently was tired of my “goodie touchi stories.” She said no one can be this kind all the time. She said I was a pretend-fake Christian and I made up stories to get paid for writing. She went on to tear into my ego like a hungry predator. I didn’t let her. I sent her a private message and asked her for a simple solution: “unfollow me and don’t read my stories.” That simple! Then I proceeded to tell her that I loved her. I thanked her for being on my page, taking the time to read my words, letting them rattle her, and then writing to me. Because she reminded me again that I am not here to make everyone happy. I’m not the Happy Fairy Queen. She was my teacher. I told her I was here if she ever needed to unload.

But for a few hours I allowed her anger to shake me up. I heard the voices of family members, old lovers, and distant friends. “Who left you in charged of stories, Millie? Who do you think you are?”

I didn’t share with her that I make no money from my stories. I didn’t tell her that I never ever pretend to be Christ. I did not bother to tell her that I wouldn’t know how to make up a story because life is always better than fiction. I didn’t say anything that would hurt her because hurt people lash out to get attention. Even if it’s negative. But I was hurt for a tiny bit. And then I wasn’t.

Sacredness comes from really allowing your truth to shine regardless of how others react. I will continue to show up in life and love wholeheartedly. I will continue to write my observations. I will continue to try and connect as many souls as I can. I will serve with my heart and apply it to all I touch. If that makes others uncomfortable then that’s part of the journey.

Sacred spaces aren’t just real places or retreats. They aren’t just in vacations. Sacred spaces are Sundays, meditations, walks, and everything that allows us to reconnect to divinity. May you find yours today. I love you.

Be Proud of You

My darlings, be proud of who you are. Accept and embrace your flaws, wrinkles, curves, cellulite, and bodacious-ness. Each part of your body is a reflection and projection of your inner-ness and wisdom. I had someone make a comment a few days ago about my weight..that now that I’ve lost some I look better. I laughed because I guess with extra weight I don’t look well (I must look like shit)…but I am still me. The me inside doesn’t change with the weight. I have been up and down the spectrum of heavy to thin to heavy again. I am still who I am regardless of my exterior. I have lived a life in my younger years worrying so much about the size I was wearing in a society that was constantly judging me based on the number on the scale. And for what? I am flawless in my mission to love, not just others, but especially myself as I am today. I am healthy. What do I care if I have to get new jeans today and tomorrow give them away?

God don’t make no junk!

You cannot live a life dieting and full of self-loathing. No make-up in the world will make you perfect. The mask eventually has to come off. Love yourself. Because when you do another will align with your worth. If you want to enhance your beauty, go ahead but be happy with the overall parts of you. Allow those parts of you to show you who and what needs learning. We are each others’ reflections and it’s not fair to anyone that we are living based on being small, medium, or large. It’s insane!

Each dimple in my body is there as a reminder of something powerful. Every scar on my breasts has taught me that I’ve survived powerful lessons…that I’ve overcome some incredible challenges. Each thought from my rape continues to inspire me to be more loving with those parts of me that used to feel ugly and disgusting. Every thought, movement, and freckle is an endless composition of what’s behind me and all the elements that are still ahead to finish a work of art with my name on it. I am a composition in the making until the day I die. I don’t want anyone remembering me for my beauty. F*#k that! I want them to say, “That woman cracked me up and lifted me in moments of darkness.” I am not gonna be remembered for my weight, and neither are you. Superficial behaviors are lower vibrational issues and I refuse to live in that realm.

I can promise you from working with elderly folks that they don’t remember what size they were…they don’t care. They remember their first dance, their child’s birth, the first kiss, and everything that is meaningful…not that they went from a size 4 to a size 14. That’s so irrelevant when you are near death.

I can no longer hate a wrinkle because I have laughed, cried, rejoiced, and suffered with the awareness that each path has brought me here. I am a mother. I am a lover. I am a wife. I am a daughter. I am a sister. I am a friend. I am a student. I am so many labels and, yet, I am none of that but the essence of Oneness. So, sweethearts, no more comparing yourself to the pages of photo shopped ads, or celebrities who sensationalize something that is completely superficial. You have the power to shift and create your awareness. Do it! No more self-hate. No more comparing yourself to the exterior of others. What are we showing our daughters, nieces, sisters, and young friends? We must elevate consciousness and move beyond all of this. It starts with you, me and them. You are precious, priceless and perfect just as you are.

The magic in your life starts the moment you accept you. All of you. And in that moment others begin to witness an extraordinary light that is love. ~m.a.p.

Secrets Kept

secrets

“I thought about how there are two types of secrets: the kind you want to keep in, and the kind you don’t dare to let out.” – Ally Carter

Secrets have a cost. We all have them because of taboo, shame, guilt, intimacy, embarrassment, and self-worth issues. Meantime, while they sit inside gaining energy, they eat away at our psyche. Ego feeds them with remorse and negativity. Secrets often times have a huge price to them. And even though we are entitled to keep things to ourselves, there are those little secrets that still nag for release. There are those small disclosures that eat at us in disgrace. Unfortunately, the longer they are kept in the closet the larger they become.

Sometimes, in the middle of nothing in particular, I return to a specific memory. In that memory I can conjure up the emotions of that time, with the person, and the things exchanged. I realize I have never been one to dig for secrets, including my very own. The reason my exes could cheat so easily was due to the fact that I never checked them. I never went through their things. I never followed them, until I was ready to face the moment of truth. Then there was no going back. I am completely oblivious to my surroundings, and when in my own bubble, I try to stay there out of fear.

What I’ve learned, through journaling and past therapy, is that avoidance is a form of keeping secrets. If you can’t be willing to dive into the heartache and discomfort then the secret continues to lie inside. Sometimes the best way to keep a secret is to pretend there isn’t anything to keep. Is it a form of delusion? Is it clinical and psychological avoidance of sorts? Is it survivor instincts repressing the deep and emotional pain? I don’t really know why we keep certain things inside.

I don’t have many secrets. I can’t really say there is anything badly enough to keep eating at me. The few things gathered in a basket of shhh, are more personal things about love and relationships. Some sweet intimate memories must remain inside forever. They are mine to hold and cherish alone.

The shame from my rape at 18 took eighteen years to be released. It had become an inconceivable shameful event that created many self-esteem issues. Once that was purged, I was able to allow for restoration and restitution. I was able to free myself from the monsters. Now there isn’t much inside that can control my psyche with oppression, only secrets of the loving kind. The secrets that are filled with shame birth a new identity in us. Those things that are due to infidelities, stealing, lying, sexual indiscretions, rape, abuse and much more, are the ones we need to allow release. The letting go of such “monsters” allows for divinity to step inside. Forgiveness is easier when it is for someone else. Real forgiveness, however, starts inside. The past has allowed each one of us to get here. We learn from our mistakes. We are better because of the lessons gathered along the path of life.

Skeletons in the closet serve no purpose unless you are decorating for Halloween. We are created in the light of Spirit. In that light all secrets are diminished. Let go and realize that you are not your secrets. You are evolution of such experiences. Good or bad, they have brought you to the awareness of today.

“And when at last you find someone to whom you feel you can pour out your soul, you stop in shock at the words you utter— they are so rusty, so ugly, so meaningless and feeble from being kept in the small cramped dark inside you so long.” – Sylvia Plath

Today

holding love

Today
I woke to loving me.
I found me aching to unknown feelings.
My chest felt tight.
I had a difficult time breathing.
And my inner voice whispered kindly,
“It’s time. Love yourself for once.
This is not about anyone else.”

I relaxed. I let go. I released.
In the process I felt the light
beaming from the heavens
activating the cells in my body
to care and love and give to me.

We are here for love.
Yes..to love others.
Yes…to learn from the world.
But…mostly to return to Source
through our own acceptance and awareness

that we are the love we are constantly chasing in others.

Today…
I love me.
Tomorrow…
I will continue this love
for as long as my soul has existence.

Extraordinary

extraordinary

Ohhhhh…you just never know when Spirit has a message for someone. It’s magical when the filtering system stops working and you allow God to speak through you for the benefit of another. It’s one of those moments that having intuition feels like a healing gift rather than a curse. When you get a message don’t hinder or alter it. Say it to another, even if it sounds ridiculous, even if it makes no sense whatsoever. It’s not for you to decipher. You will witness the touch of someone’s heart being opened through love. It happens all the time! Don’t allow yourself the scrutiny of judgment to stop you from telling another how amazing they are…how much they are worth in this life…and how special their loved ones think they are. Don’t dim your light because another person might just need it to light their path for a little while. We are all connected on this small blue-green planet.

Truth

Listen closely,

            Truth is quiet

pressing against the walls

                        hoping                       you take notice

            and find the strength to open up

                                    a window

and let the air                     of life inside.

Truth isn’t lurking in the              shadows

            but it is the light

                                                that penetrates

through treasures

                                    of         forgotten images

            while You                 make up stories

                        masquerading        a façade,

trying to fit into the world and expectations.

Listen attentively,

            Truth is patient

waiting for you to take it,

                        to call for it,

and dance                in harmony.

            It stands,       swaying to the music of your spirit,

            watching you reject it over and over

until one day

            you can’t avoid the light that it brings

                        and you must take Truth

into you         as when a mother embraces her newborn child –            engulfed in all the love

                                    and peace

                                                             it brings…

through the divinity in you.

You Deserve Respect

changing-people

I have a family member who loves to call me and gossip about people I don’t even know. Whenever I don’t answer the phone, because I am at work or busy with life, she leaves me these long nasty messages that sound like someone in an insane asylum. Most of the time, when I do speak with her, I let her go on her one-sided conversation. There have been times that I just want to say, “Hold please! Let me buckle up as we are about to get on the bipolar expressway.” I sit there with the phone glued to my ear listening to ramblings that create a sense of anxiety for me….until recently when I stopped all communication.

Let’s be f*cking honest here! If someone is not raising your vibes to a loving and healthy standard, they really don’t need to be entertained. You can, amicably, speak with them. You can be gracious in loving them from a distance, but by no means do you need to own their toxic energy because no matter how hard you try to break their cycle of negativity it isn’t going to happen. I am reminded that you have no say in what another person is thinking or feeling. They have to figure that out on their own.

We are so ingrained to HAVE to be part of everyone’s life when it comes to family. But, you don’t. You can sit with that person and truly entertain them to the best of your ability and they still will not see the goodness or the help you are providing. And, this isn’t about being acknowledged. This is merely about being respected for your worth. There will always be naysayers, victims, master manipulators and martyrs. Archetypes are there for a reason. We get to choose how we act and react to their stories.

In my case, with this particular family member, I had to just write a letter after her last voice mail (about me going to hell for not calling her back) that basically pinpointed that I would not tolerate the disrespect any longer. If she couldn’t be in my life with love and support then it was better that she wasn’t. End of conversation.

Sometimes we come across folks who need to be heard. I am great with that. Now, when the same conversation keeps coming up over and over and they want you to drop everything to listen, you have be honest with them and yourself. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over while expecting a different result. I am not a saint and my patience gets in the way of being generous with my time when it isn’t reciprocated.

I have been in the middle of conversations when I have said something lighthearted and it has been offensive to another. I get told off. I have to step back and say, “Oh, okay! So this is where we are going with this. Yay. I am ready for the ride. Let’s get on the f*cking wagon of self-hatred, criticism and self-pity.” I have to be careful to keep my facial expressions in tact cause I might say nothing but my face has its own language.

You don’t have to partake in every argument, judgment, and decision another human has…even when they are your grown children, parents, siblings, family or friends. You don’t have to sit and agree. “No!” is a complete sentence. And, there are many other ways of deviating from the drama. The moment you get sucked into negativity and toxic forums you are dedicated to make a decision to stay or leave. You get to decide.

Many years ago I had a spiritual mother/friend who was in the hospital having hip surgery. I happened to call at a moment that a nurse was checking on her and they were getting her out of bed. The hospital phone rang and I believe the nurse thought she would pass it to my friend. Her response before even seeing who was on the line was, “Just because it rings, doesn’t mean you have to pick it up.” Until that very moment it never occurred to me in my 30’s that if the phone rang I could just ignore it; that if the doorbell rang I did not have to answer; or if someone expected me to do something that I could say “no!” I was programmed to be overly responsible and that moment taught me that you have a choice in everything. She didn’t even know it was me and made the nurse hang up. It was a lesson about what is important and what isn’t. You don’t have to answer every single piece of nonsense out there. You are not responsible for listening to bullshit that has nothing to do with you. And, even if it was about you, and you aren’t in accordance with the criticism, you can always thank that person and walk away, hang up or let them know that you are to be respected. Arrogance and intolerance are characteristics that when fed grow into monsters.

Start to put yourself first. Respect your time, space and energy. When you do this those folks have no way to get to you. You can act and react however you want. The bullies and narcissist will disappear when they know that they can’t manipulate you. You aren’t going to fix the world unless you put yourself on the highest level of self-respect. You are worth so much and if you can’t see it they can’t either.

We absorb our surroundings. We are constantly being bombarded with crap from others. It’s your choice to stop the madness. You get to decide what and how you participate in this world. Shift your perception and recognize that the lessons come from people who rub us the most intense way through feelings. Learn from them about what and who you are…but don’t own their shit.  Forgive what you cannot change since you have a hard time letting go.

It’s not selfish to love yourself and demand respect. You are not anyone’s punching bag. You are required to stand and provide self-love. That’s compassionate. That’s kindness.

Sending love out to all!