Letting go of old

oneness

Hello dear sweet friends. I wanted to share something I have been seeing from so many of you. I keep hearing of major life changes, de-cluttering, transformations, and the shift of paradigms and beliefs.

A small death has taken place inside of me (and many of you as well). I don’t know when it has happened in the past 12 months but it did. I believe it was a gradual demising. I don’t think it was suddenly because I would have noticed. I hate to label it as the “death of ego” but all that it entails has allowed me to surrender and feel comfortable in my own skin, in my choices of life, and the decisions I am making for the future. I am letting go of so much these days. It isn’t just the material world, it’s also the need to make sure everything and everyone around me is okay. I don’t have the passion to fix anyone just so I don’t see their hurt. No one is broken. No one needs fixing. I am only responsible for me.
I can see the profound expansion of lessons throughout others. I see it in their eyes, their touch, and their silence and I am able to sit with them. I am able to get angry and allow the emotions to come out in a healthy way in my own life.. I am able to laugh uncontrollably and feel orgasmic joy for an entire day. I keep meeting folks who are also transitioning into the death of ego and the illusion of social self-worth expectations. It’s magical. I don’t quite know what’s going on with this mass conscious shift but I am enjoying the journey. I am not alone. This makes it even more precious!

I love the conscious birth of acceptance. I love how being present is by far the most amazing form of BEing. I love how I can now sit and watch nature for a long time without the need to do anything else. I love how I have given myself permission to rest. I love how I don’t have to expect things to just fall quickly. I am learning that patience is not so much a virtue but a reality of living this moment. I am embracing faith and the Oneness of the universe. I am allowing my thoughts to move through and not obsessing over every single thing the mind insists on entertaining. The ego is a mastermind in manipulation. I am deeply aware now when it starts the drama. There are days it requires more attention and I am allowing those to come and go with much closure. I will never be empty of all. I am learning that this is also part of the journey.

This death of ego-self is unrecognizable to anyone else. I am certain others don’t see the change, like when I lose or gain weight. Or when I color or cut my hair. Or even when I wear make-up. The death of my egotism is not noticed because it’s subtle. There is a lack of judgment. People know they can share something with me because I am not here to judge them. But they don’t see that as the death of my old self. This type of death is best describe as a true awakening from the illusion of reality. And, I am grateful to have so many others, such magnificent like-minded brothers and sisters who are in these moment of transcending from what we see and where we are going to end up. We need each other. We don’t need the constant ego-chit-chat but we do need to love one another in a way that allows the universe to heal.
Thank you! You are not alone on this journey. I see you. I feel you. I love you!

Your Wholeness


integrity

Integrity. This has been the word for the week. It is what makes you righteous, whole, and truthful. It’s your word. How many of us say one thing and do the complete opposite? That’s an example of not living through integrity.

I have been witnessing the need to clear things up…through my truth and moral beliefs. I am purging, not just clutter in the home but past issues, old paradigms, and relationships that are not in alignment with my honor.

DO NOT tell me who you are. Show me through your actions. Do not promise me something that you know very well you won’t follow through. Just be you. BE the WHOLENESS of your essence without pretending, compromising your word, or breaking your authentic nature. That’s all.

Just this morning I witnessed a child of 20 months show me her wholeness and value. I heard her in her room so I opened the door catching her sitting on her bed. She extended an arm way out and said, “Nooooo. No, Mama….no!” I stepped back and realized she needed more time to herself. I walked out and closed the door. Ten to fifteen minutes later she called for me and we began our morning. She was in all her truth and knowing that I would understand. I completely honor this in its simplest form. She didn’t need me to get her up just because she was talking in there. She needed her time. She showed me that when she’s ready she will call me by name. Our perception and interpretations get in the way of how we value others and ourselves. She has not learned the distinction, therefore following her instincts and desires is all that is expected from her.

No one is expecting perfection. No one wants what you cannot provide. Even a toddler will show you exactly who they are if you are willing to pay attention. Live within the means of what you believe and can accomplish. NO ONE or anything is worth the loss of your integrity. Sometimes it is like your virginity…once it’s gone there’s no getting it back. There is no trust or re-do button that can fix it. And, it starts from childhood. Standing your ground. Stand in your honor and worth.


Live in the sweetest bubble of virtue. Let YOUR life be an example of who you are through love, laughter and actions….! You know exactly what and who you are. If you don’t then you need to sit and contemplate for a while. If you don’t know how to find your wholeness then how the hell can you expect another to do it for you?

The Deciding Factor

letting go

How do we let go? Some people believe that anchoring ourselves to something is of great courage, strength, and honor. These are signs and adjectives for letting go, not holding on. There are times when it takes an audacious spirit of bravery to realize that letting go is a means of survival. Letting go is not failure, on the contrary, it is the door to victory.

Letting go doesn’t mean you don’t care about that thing, that person, that event, that circumstance, or whatever else has you imprisoned with hopelessness. Letting go means that those things served their purpose to teach, mold, embrace and give you a sense of freedom. Letting go is finally releasing that which caused major control in your life.
Yesterday I spent the day with my little cousins (ages 5 – 9). We were making fairy houses for our woods. Every so often I would hear one of them complain that “I can’t do this, or I can’t make that.” I finally expressed to them that “can’t” is not a nice word. “Can’t” stops you from moving forward. The word “can’t” should not be in their vocabulary. Every other time they said it they caught themselves (sometimes looking at me and putting their hands over their little mouths) and changed the word. They were letting go of an old behavior that stops them from trying, growing, and moving forward. Letting go applies to so much more than just breaking off from a life decision!
When it comes to letting go of people and relationships we truly hang on to the side of a cliff. We leave claw marks on the rocks. We walk a tightrope from one valley to another. It is amazing the things we do to force a circle into a small square. It’s fantastic to watch how liberating it is to finally let go of the control. The illusion of control diminishes our worth. Fear of change added to the idea of failure equals stagnation and heartbreak.
I woke this morning letting go. I opened my eyes and breathed in the humidity as the rain is being held by clouds. Nature has a way of dumping and never looking back. Once it releases it doesn’t think, “Oh, crap did I do that right? Should I had let go of that rain, that storm, that hurricane? Man, what will these humans think of me?” It is in our nature to do the same. All we had to do is face those things that no longer serve our spirit. The word “can’t” has no business being part of your language. Do it! Releasing those things that no longer serve you is the deciding factor.

“Come to the cliff, he said.
They said, we are afraid.
Come to the cliff, he said.
They came.
He pushed them.
And they flew.”

Fierce Love

hands of time

Not long ago I received a beautiful email from an ex that touched me to the very core of my spirit.  He wanted to congratulate me on my new relationship as he had been keeping up with my blog.  He also wanted to tell me that after so long he had come to the realization that no one ever loved him the way I did.  In my “fierce unconditional love” he couldn’t breathe.  He felt that he wasn’t enough and constantly pulled away.  Now after a long while, and moving onto other relationships, he realized that he not only deserved that way of being loved but he wouldn’t settle for anything less.  I was moved by the many things he wrote, even the depth of his gratitude and wishing me well.  He hoped that my fiancé never took me for granted because he had and it was a regret that required self-forgiveness.  In retrospect he wrote that I “taught him to love” and he was worth it.  He thanked me for the way I made him believe in himself.

Confirmations come from the most unlikely sources.  Love…that powerful movement of energy that runs through every cell of our bodies is also the substance that makes us uncomfortable if we’ve never really embraced it in ourselves.  Some people, and I speak of my adopted children as well, reject it.  Because they never had it as infants or toddlers, they will push it until the emptiness is all they bathe in and accept.  In romantic relationships it is the wave that brings forth the past, carrying with it scars and stories that serve little purpose into the present.  This man’s email was a gift.  I often think I am too much in the love department.  If you aren’t ready for me I think I suffocate with the emotion through over zealous actions.  I don’t mean to, I just see the light and bask in it.  I don’t mean to raise anyone up on some throne but when I fall in love I see the beauty in others.  Even in friendships I find the light of divinity smiling through my heart.

When I left my ex after 18 years he said the same thing in different words.  He called me up several years later intoxicated and told me that he was traumatized.  Woman after woman, relationships blending into others, one-night stands, and he could not grasp the love I gave him for so long and then stopped because of his destructive behavior.   He knew he was addicted to attention and acceptance.  He craved for the grandiose moments that come in new escapades and adventures.  But, after removing all the women from the stories he realized that he couldn’t duplicate the love I had for him.  He knew that no amount of money could buy it.  He missed being loved with such gentleness and endless acceptance.  My heart cried for his pain.  I have cared deeply for each one of my relationships.  I’ve ended them with an openness that is rare.  I have been grateful for the lessons.  I send them love and happiness in my prayers.  I just love myself more.

Any kind of love requires truth, patience and acceptance.  The baggage we carry into relationships is often times the reason they don’t work.  Strong personalities will reject change.  Traumas will sabotage any form of happiness.  Stubbornness, rejection, insecurities, and doubt will break the magic.  Loving is easy.  Letting go of a crappy ego is not and it will fight to make its point through self-worth.

Love!  Love deeply and openly.  The right person will not fight it.  He/she will begin to see the worth.  We all deserve this worth.  Do not rearrange your life to meet another half way.  Love unconditionally.  Love with the fierce passion of your heart.  The universe will align it with someone who can appreciate it, deserve it, and return it with the same significance.  When you love openly Spirit manifests beauty, hope and an endless amount of serendipitous possibilities.  It is delightful!

“The price tag that you put on your soul will determine the people and circumstances in which you find yourself.” ~ Shannon L. Alder

Listening

Sitting in the doctor’s office today waiting on a referral to see a therapist I am reading Mark Nepo’s new book Seven Thousand Ways to Listen.  I put it down.  I hate this feeling of vulnerability, the past colliding after a year with the present.  The holidays aren’t helping, and every moment I feel poked, dug into deeply with sadness.  For someone who is usually pretty happy this feels foreign and almost ridiculous in nature.  The melancholy doesn’t happen all the time, just when I least expect it, when I can’t control the emotions as I clean the bathroom, mop the floors, take the trash out.  As I stop and breathe and continue on the paragraph the words stop me again and I begin to listen attentively:

With each small cry, it feels less a release and more like an irrepressible, unfiltered tenderness at being fully here.  The more of these moments I experience, the less a problem it seems.  For isn’t this what I’ve been after: to be this close to life, to be pricked below the surface of things? Now I wonder: isn’t anything that keeps us this close to life a gift? Now I want to learn the art of puncturing whatever grows in the way in order to feel that moment where everything touches everything else.  I’m coming to see that keeping what is true before us reminds us that there was never a better time than now.”

And, just like that the listening becomes too much for the sanitized and sterile room.  I smell the walls of disease, hurt, brokenness.  I feel the energy from the clinic engulf me.  I stop everything inside and begin to write on my phone:

 

I listen to the silence
shortly overpowered by
thoughts. It stops.
The quietude of nothingness
gets distorted. I stop.
I swallow in the memories
that prickle and pain me.
The chaos of it stops me
from continuing
the serene path of joy.
I pause, not erasing it all
or stopping the forces
but allowing the tears
to trickle gently down…and out.
Each one takes a little suffering
and then it all stops.
I can breathe again. It hurts
no more,
no less,
not anything. I am back to me
with a wet smile on my face
and the honoring and gratitude
from my spirit
that this too shall pass

once and forever

when I stop holding

betrayal– even while forgiving;

self-criticism– even with the lessons;

and grant the gift of unconditional love

for me

for once…

for all.

*************************

Just like that I was able to get through the morning.  It is never easy to admit that things need to be discussed, realigned and released with the help of a professional.  I am great at thinking I’ve dealt with the issues and quickly moving on to the next one.  After a year I realized I’ve just camouflaged them with beautiful ornamental masks.  It is good to finally be proactive and hopefully make amends with the holidays and those who tarnished them.  May you find yourself listening attentively to your inner voice and follow it!

I’m Sorry Syndrome

I had a dream in the early hours of morning about a visit to a therapist.  Dr. Carl Jung sat across from me with a giant desk in between us.  I remember asking, “Dr.Carl, this is very impersonal.  Is there a way we can sit next to each other without this desk in the way?”  We moved to the area where I sat on the sofa and he sat on a comfy chair across from me.  I began with apologizing for my brokenness.  It was a long dream.  I was woken by my boyfriend while crying.  The details aren’t important.  What is relevant is my sense of apologizing for my emotions.

I have always had the “I’m Sorry Syndrome.”  And when someone asks me to stop apologizing I apologize for it again.  I know where and how it stems from.  There has to be a barricade to this agonizing need to please others.  As women we tend to do it more frequently than men.  Childhood traumas, abusive relationships and just pure self-esteem issues cause us to immediately sneak in the apology to smooth things over with another person.  But, sitting across from Carl Jung I realized it wasn’t necessary.

We tend to apologize for everything.  I apologize for interrupting, for feeling a certain way, for being early to an appointment, etc.  Heck, I apologize just for laughing or crying while thinking I am making the other person feel uncomfortable.  And, let’s not even discuss the apologies I shell out when the other person has done me wrong and I end up apologizing for them.

The word “sorry” is magical.  It opens hearts and allows for forgiveness.  However, that same word can be a crutch in not allowing self-worth to grow in a positive manner.  We apologize for our parenting skills, professional choices, schooling, loving too deeply or not loving enough.  We apologize for not wearing the right clothes, not having enough money, and having a bad hair day.  We apologize for so many senseless acts based on our emotions.  When do we stop this self-sabotage outrage of losing our self onto another?  Why do we apologize when we find our voice and want to express it?  Each time an apology is dished out we are serving a part of our worth and letting that person hold the key to our emotions.

I remember my ex never apologized…ever.  So, I spent years apologizing every time he did something wrong or hurtful to me.  I would end up apologizing for a fight or disagreement.  The common answer from him was, “If you weren’t the way you are then you wouldn’t push me to act this way.  I accept your apology.”  Typical narcissism personality disorder to the oomph degree!  In these moments an apology is like white-out.  It is covered up but always still underneath it all.  When you’ve wronged or hurt someone an apology is a must!

Some of the questions I asked Dr. Carl (as I kept calling him) were: “What is my purpose here?  What do I do with myself from here on?  What can I bring to this life?”  I believe I had a few more universal questions in regards to my existence.  I can’t remember right now.  What I do remember is the feelings of shame and displacement.  I recall the brokenness of remorse and guilt. In the middle of the conversation I can still feel the sense of self-criticism and judgment while apologizing for the past and the lessons that I’ve learned from such traumas.

As a child I wasn’t heard.  My mother had me at 44 years of age.  She was too busy going through menopause when I was just starting middle school.  Puberty was something you did and never discussed.  I apologized for my mood swings, for wanting to be with friends, and for needing to just be left alone without her around.  I apologize for my ultra sensitivity, my need to be perfect in school, and anything that she could not relate to as a teenager in the 80’s.  I was expected to be seen and not heard.  This was most people of my generation.  Now that I am my mother’s age I see the difference the generation gap created.  The need to apologize is a weakness rather than a healthy characteristic when the resentment is for wanting to honor your feelings.

When do we stop this nonsense of putting everyone else in front of our own needs?  When and how do we break the pattern of justifying what we want with an apology?  When do we start to live authentically…now or the day we are dying?

I believe that a dream with an archetypical world famous psychologist was exactly what I needed to reflect and cease those things I keep struggling to fix.  I cannot continue to be sorry for the person I am or continue to become.  If I happen to ruffle a few feathers along the way I have to accept it is a reflection or projection of that other person.  We must stop apologizing for evolving and wanting to live authentically.  Let’s put the word “sorry” back to its real context once and for all.

“The only correct actions are those that demand no explanation and no apology.”  ~Red Auerbach

You are never truly broken…

I spent the night participating in home movies of myself.  The scenes, characters, and situations all suffocated me with negativity.  My ex played a huge role in patronizing and embarrassing me in front of others.  My family turned things upside down to make a point of my “reckless-risky behaviors and decisions.”  Friends came out of nowhere to humiliate me and tell me “their truths” about how they felt in regards of my actions and choices.  These are the small gatherings of traumas leftover from some other time in my life.  Every so often sleep takes me to the subconscious house of pain.  While I am awake I rarely go to those rooms of anguish and agony.

Carl Jung would have a field day with the symbols and archetypes decomposing the brokenness from the collective unconsciousness.  Years ago mornings like this would leave me in tears, mangled and confused.  I would be paralyzed in making a decision without overly analyzing for days.  I would ask continuously, “What’s my purpose here?  I can’t contribute to this or that.  They are right.”  I would find myself spinning out of self-doubt, self-control while lacking self-worth.  Once in that space of inflicted hostility everything seemed worthless of my attention and magnified by inexplicable amount of fears.

Recently I was watching a show with Mark Nepo.  He was being interviewed by Oprah on Super Soul Sunday.  These words echoed this morning when I woke, “To be broke is not a reason to see all things broken.”   I know the past is a wilderness forest.  Once you pass the corner you can only see forward.  You can see shadows of those bad things in the far distance.  Nothing can hurt you any longer from back there.   I have spiritually evolved enough to know these dreams happen when a huge change is about to take place in my life.  They replicate and feed off the little scared girl in me. Their presence is a reminder of how much light I’ve acquired.

We have the inexplicable habit of seeing the world as broken when we are down feeling broken as well.  We justify the negativity as part of our community – the pity-party group.  In darkness all you see is dark unless you allow the spirit to find a switch to turn on the light.  It only takes an instance to do this.  This is what I’ve realized: we are never broken anymore than we are fixed.  It is a shift in our egos that allows us to choose which side we serve.  In being broken we minister to the dark side of our soul.  In accepting our imperfections as perfections we support the light of spirit.  Which do you choose to serve?  Which side will you be: the victim or the survivor?

As I am sipping on my java looking at yet another gray day I smile in contentment.  I am reminded of the great things in my life…right now this instance:  The dog lies near my feet; the cat is stretched out purring on a chair; the man I love is sound asleep down the hall; the smell of incense fills the room; and candles flicker in an erratic dance.  This is Divinity signing to my essence of the great shift in perception.  There is no more darkness.  I won’t go there in waking moments feeding the negativity from the night.

Stop counting your cracks, the imperfections, the shattered insecurities and begin to see what each scar has brought to you in strength.  There…in there…lies a loving spirit dedicated to live in harmony. You are whole…not a hole of pity.  Don’t let the sunshine frighten you more than the big black shadows.  Stop being afraid to live!  Each breath is a gift.  Don’t take it lightly!  God bless….