Celebrate the Temporary

There are things I have stopped doing because of time limitations. I used to send cards in the mail to friends. I loved doing it. The act of writing a short note made me so happy, but down time now fulfills me more. I am stretched at times between long hours at work and family. Even the thought of entertaining during the weekend becomes a chore (which I love as well).

Yesterday one of the volunteer grammas in the classroom said something and I told her that nothing lasts forever. Things come and go. She used the perfect phrase at the moment of hearing this: “celebrate the temporary.”

Being in the moment of what is can free up the guilt and shame of not being able to do what you have been programmed to believe that you have to keep doing. If this means letting go of sending greeting cards for now…then be it. If it means not visiting with loved ones…it’s not forever. If it means letting the laundry pile up or the dust bunnies take over for just a little bit longer…it’s okay.

Our addiction to busyness is excessive. It’s sickening and exhausting. Nothing lasts infinitely except how you perceive things. You get to shift that thought process. This is the art of living mindfully while celebrating the temporary. Celebrate the now and give it your best. Tomorrow things may change. The job will not demand so much. The debts may be paid off. The illness may turn to full health. The situations and challenges will evolve. They might not be how you wanted or expected but they will change. Life is fluid. It’s made of eternal fluxes of movements.

Look back at all the crap you’ve survived. Here you are. Right now. Celebrate that! Let go of what you think you should be doing and feel what you are living in the moment.

I love you!

(Note: this meme says so much about how we always feel the need to explain ourselves to others. DO NOT! That simple).

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The Blame Game

To blame others for my full participation in the drama is moronic. I cannot blame someone for me staying in a toxic relationship. I can blame my inability to move away from the fear and manipulation from that person while giving away my power. But he or she were not holding me captive. My perspective of the obstacle was my enemy.

I cannot blame someone else for screwing me up in business. I participated knowing that person’s character. But I did it anyway.

Most of the obstacles, events, and experiences that we believe are happening to us (while in victim mode) are happening through us.

Read that again if you can’t grasp it!

You have created a life that is comfortable even in the discomfort. You know it fully. You might hate it. You continue to blame everyone around you. But I can assure you that when you spiritually connect to your truth you will figure out that no one is to blame for many of the things you endure. Your past determines a lot of your future choices so be mindful of the journey.

Have courage. Rise above the victim mentality into something that teaches you invaluable experiences.

And yes, there are cases of abuse and violence that you didn’t ask for, or consciously attracted. There are diseases and so much that we don’t get a say on. There is still bad in the world.

We have duality in our lives. We move through the dark into light a million times. We get to choose how, when, and where.

Blaming everyone else for not having the right job, or being in a shitty relationship, or not having enough money is truly inexcusable. Pointing fingers at everyone else instead of moving inward and finding the answers is pure avoidance.

You have the power to change your circumstances one step at a time. When you leave the victim mode you will begin to take control of your life. Trust in your capacity to manifest. Believe in your innate and divine ability to set healthy boundaries. Most of us were not taught this early on. It’s all about reprogramming your wiring. You’ve got this!!!! ~m.a.p.

You Must Release the Shame

Come close. Sit for a second and let me share a story…

I held a giant amount of guilt and resentment for over 20 years. It wasn’t something I thought about daily but it would show its ugly head every so often. The trauma was molded to my worth. It would visit and linger and poke in a way that I felt my breath leave me, especially in the middle of the night. In the last few years I needed to release it. And back in February I did.

I met with this amazing woman…a true soul sister…and apologized. We had something in common. We had both been with the same man for 18 years, and in between those years there were years that overlapped. She didn’t know it. I was also told a different story. We co-inhabited with a man who fed on our lack of self worth. We handed him the right to place a price tag on our souls.

I was young, stupid, and foolish. I was naive. I was in my twenties with two little boys while needing a father figure as he was 18 years my senior. He was a master manipulator, the poster child for narcissism. We believed him. I loved him. She did too. But, what happens when you grow into yourself and the shame is still lurking? You must find a way to shred it, surrender the yuckiness, and forgive yourself for mistakes.

We are human. We are imperfect. We are entitled to screwing up and growing. We are given the extraordinary beauty of falling miserably and rising to greatness.

You must enter the discomfort and allow the healing to begin. You must acknowledge your part in the stories and own the lessons. You have to allow for the truth to come out of every pore of your being. That’s when light comes in and you are recreated.

Guess how that happens! It happens through love. It happens through total release of culpability. It appears through the total abandonment of monsters in closets. You open the door and let them go free. Those suckers need release. They need light to vanish.

I own every part of the stories: the ugly and disgraceful; the lovely and magical; the ridiculous and careless; the spirituality and the human. I own it because it brought me here to this very moment of midlife with a giant exposure of truth. It allowed me to fall in love again with someone who could love me back for the real me.

Once we met at a retreat, we spent four days with one another. We spoke truth and opened up all the lies. She forgave me for being with her husband while they were still married. She also gave me permission to let that shit go. I gave her permission to forgive him for all the atrocities he created in both our lives. We held one another, hands intertwined, walking on the beach. We cried. We shared in disbelief the stories of two young women wrapped in the web of deception with a cunning Machista.

What happened after that gathering was pure ecstatic. I found myself. I dug into places of me that I didn’t know were available or even existed in my perception. The truth of it all shook my core belief. My imperfections were embraced by her which allowed for me to accept in me. I fell in love with this woman who shared similarities, not just our children but a man we once loved with ferocity. He had a type and we saw it while laughing, communing, speaking and crying.

I ask that you let the shit go. Whatever is in you that is breaking you needs release. You might not get a chance to say it to another so allow yourself the surrendering to divinity. Truly let it all go.

And start loving all the parts that have made you whole…because you are precious and loving. Fly, darling! ~m.a.p.

Struggles…

Many years ago…12 to be exact…I was experiencing a struggle with my eldest daughter. She arrived into my life at the age of 11-1/2 from Romania. And with her came a lot of secrets and demons. She suffered from multiple personalities and deep wounds. There was no way to reach her regardless of all the love and security I provided. At the age of 18, finishing high school, she plotted to hurt me and some other family members. The heartache those days was immense. It was unlike anything I had ever experienced up to that moment in my life.

My son’s friend’s mother came over to get him one day. I shared my struggle through tears and heartbreak. She took me aside (a woman who truly didn’t know me that well even though our boys were super close) and she shared a personal story about her eldest son. She told me, while holding me, that sometimes we had to let go in order to continue helping our other children. Up to that moment I didn’t know anyone who had undergone things that broke the mama heart that profoundly. Whether it was addiction, mental illness, or whatever…I had not known someone personally who was navigating through similar experiences.

I listened to her. She had been at this for years. I felt her own release in that conversation. I listened so much that, now 12 years later, I can still remember her words of wisdom. This woman just lost her son a few days ago. That said son who was struggling with his own demons. And as I write this I swear my heart breaks even deeper. A parent should never, ever, have to do what she’s had to do this week. I know he’s finally at peace. She does too but there is always the uncertainty of how much we did or didn’t do to fix and save our loved ones. The doubts creep up and we are consumed by the unknown of it all. It’s hard to decipher what is real and what is not. Guilt and shame are familiar emotions that push the grief up. It’s all part of healing and letting go.

I know without a shadow of a doubt, that when someone has these struggles the only thing you can do for them is hold space. The loss is inexplicable. It’s unreal and I cannot imagine how my friend is holding herself up this week. So I pray and send loving light to her and her family since she’s not near me (although I wish I was with her at the moment). I keep meditating and hold her heart in mine. No one knows what another endures…not what she had to do for her son, not what I’ve had to for my own children. We have little windows we show to the world, but behind closed doors and blinds the truth of it is quite different. I am blessed to have had her 12 years ago to help me navigate my own grief, shame and guilt because I was completely lost. I had to let my daughter go. I had to love her from afar and continue to do so daily because she refuses the love. In the end I had to put my energy into those in my house who were willing to receive the love and security. And it continues…

That’s all we are asked to do: love and serve those who receive it (who are willing to accept it). We can’t fix or help those who don’t want it. It’s like hitting yourself against a giant boulder while the ocean smashes against you over and over. It’s pure insanity.

I love you, my dear friend. You know who you are…you will always be the words of wisdom when I struggle through my own little demons of guilt for not doing more…. I am here!!!!!

You are Worthy

I want to tell you something that it’s hard for you to hear or accept: you are worthy. You are worthy of love. You are worthy of happiness. You are worthy of freedom. The shit you carry around, all those dark secrets that eat into your soul, attack your worth. You cannot go back in time no matter how much you power your thoughts. No matter how angry you get. No matter how much shame you hold. No matter who you blame. You cannot go back there. So stop sabotaging your future. Stop the insanity of negative self talk. Stop punishing your soul for all that has happened. What good is it bringing you? Your worth is a product of what you believe. You believe you are great…you will reach greatness. You believe you are lovable…you will find love. The monsters you carry around full of shame are stopping this moment and your future. No more hustling for your worth. Let it go. Find love. You are worth it.

Secrets Kept

secrets

“I thought about how there are two types of secrets: the kind you want to keep in, and the kind you don’t dare to let out.” – Ally Carter

Secrets have a cost. We all have them because of taboo, shame, guilt, intimacy, embarrassment, and self-worth issues. Meantime, while they sit inside gaining energy, they eat away at our psyche. Ego feeds them with remorse and negativity. Secrets often times have a huge price to them. And even though we are entitled to keep things to ourselves, there are those little secrets that still nag for release. There are those small disclosures that eat at us in disgrace. Unfortunately, the longer they are kept in the closet the larger they become.

Sometimes, in the middle of nothing in particular, I return to a specific memory. In that memory I can conjure up the emotions of that time, with the person, and the things exchanged. I realize I have never been one to dig for secrets, including my very own. The reason my exes could cheat so easily was due to the fact that I never checked them. I never went through their things. I never followed them, until I was ready to face the moment of truth. Then there was no going back. I am completely oblivious to my surroundings, and when in my own bubble, I try to stay there out of fear.

What I’ve learned, through journaling and past therapy, is that avoidance is a form of keeping secrets. If you can’t be willing to dive into the heartache and discomfort then the secret continues to lie inside. Sometimes the best way to keep a secret is to pretend there isn’t anything to keep. Is it a form of delusion? Is it clinical and psychological avoidance of sorts? Is it survivor instincts repressing the deep and emotional pain? I don’t really know why we keep certain things inside.

I don’t have many secrets. I can’t really say there is anything badly enough to keep eating at me. The few things gathered in a basket of shhh, are more personal things about love and relationships. Some sweet intimate memories must remain inside forever. They are mine to hold and cherish alone.

The shame from my rape at 18 took eighteen years to be released. It had become an inconceivable shameful event that created many self-esteem issues. Once that was purged, I was able to allow for restoration and restitution. I was able to free myself from the monsters. Now there isn’t much inside that can control my psyche with oppression, only secrets of the loving kind. The secrets that are filled with shame birth a new identity in us. Those things that are due to infidelities, stealing, lying, sexual indiscretions, rape, abuse and much more, are the ones we need to allow release. The letting go of such “monsters” allows for divinity to step inside. Forgiveness is easier when it is for someone else. Real forgiveness, however, starts inside. The past has allowed each one of us to get here. We learn from our mistakes. We are better because of the lessons gathered along the path of life.

Skeletons in the closet serve no purpose unless you are decorating for Halloween. We are created in the light of Spirit. In that light all secrets are diminished. Let go and realize that you are not your secrets. You are evolution of such experiences. Good or bad, they have brought you to the awareness of today.

“And when at last you find someone to whom you feel you can pour out your soul, you stop in shock at the words you utter— they are so rusty, so ugly, so meaningless and feeble from being kept in the small cramped dark inside you so long.” – Sylvia Plath