Gratitude in Clarity

I woke at midnight to no electricity. My phone had a message that the power company was working on the outage. I looked outside and smiled. I went back to bed. I know the trauma I have with winter and not feeling safe or warm. It comes up quickly. But I went back to bed.

I didn’t sleep much that night. I time traveled back and forth. I was trying to erase people from my life. I kept waking up and laughing. The reality seemed absurd but every time I closed my eyes I seemed to travel back to some other time and dimension.

I am who I am because of every person who came into my life. Who would I be if they didn’t exist? What would I had become? Would I miss what I never had? Would there be fragments of me that felt a great void? And how would life around me be lived? Each person was a stepping stone…would I have had different stones?

At 7am I observed the white purity of being covered by snow outside. Candles were burning. Shades laid open. Windows were clear of all distraction. I was too.

And then uneasiness started to set in. I allowed for it. I calmed myself down by reading old books.

There was no sound other than candles burning and children babbling. There was peace across the landscape. No cars. No nothing. Just clarity of silence and my most intimate thoughts.

But…after 36 hours of no electricity or water the ego begins to complain. Just a tad bit! It starts to create deep layers of sadness and remorse for living in a state that has these winters. I knew nothing of this before eight years ago. This year has been better. For the first few winters I was pretty much alone on a mountain. No money. A rundown motel. Two teenagers and the echo of uncertainty staring back at me each time I got snowed in.

I have patience. Lots of it. I began to dread winter. Each year that has grown. I fight against the Post traumatic events. I usually win.

Now every time I hear “snow storm coming” a part of my nervous system gets triggered. I can be prepared but the moment I feel the threat of no power or water…oh my…the ego reminds me of the past. And I enter a place of disregard. I start to feel something that doesn’t fit in my personality of today.

We now have power. As I write this it’s been three hours. The house is clean. Toilets are flushed. Kitchen is immaculate. Clothes is folded. Kids are napping in warm bedrooms. I sit next to my husband as I write. I stop and thank him for all he did to make me feel at peace. He knows me. I read several books by candlelight. I wrote. I loved on my tribe here. And I did a lot of meditating and praying. I did a lot of releasing and manifesting. I needed this detachment.

It’s that time of year that brings stuff up like wanting to erase the folks from the past. I cannot. I won’t. And I am happy that I can’t change anything because I am becoming the best version of me possible. It’s all there is. The snow has clarified that. I’m grateful. I feel the purity of the land healing me. My consciousness truly expands with every winter. I don’t have to hate it. I just need to be. For now. For however long it takes to continue healing me.

Peaceful Flurries

from phone 053

Snow falls peacefully.

Wind blows fast and hard.

I hate missing you

throughout this chill.

Winter has taken over

inside of me,

numbing what I know,

freezing all reality

as I stare into the coldness.

Silence appears

laying in the whiteness…

I wish I was snow

and you

the shovel scooping,

unearthing,

gathering

me up towards you.

The beauty of moments

is that you never know

when you are making

a cherished memory.

Mine hold many of us

frozen somewhere in time.

Transcending Purity

tranquilityI sat outside watching the snow fall yesterday for a while.  Its silence, serenity and movement mesmerized me.  It has been one of those fluffy thick snowfalls that leave an imagery of fairy tales in the forest.  For so long I hated the snow.  I was traumatized by the destruction it left on my first year in the mountains: pipes froze, no money, didn’t know a single soul in this place, no water, and the desire to run back home while feeling defeated was overwhelming.  Now, four winters later I watch this marvelous tranquility in awe of how it transforms the land and how it has deeply touched the core of me.

Snow erases all borders and discriminating lines.  It isn’t just the whiteness but the abundance of calmness and purity:  dips, valleys, mountains, edges, and everything it touches vanishes into a blank screen.  I am reminded of my near death experience almost a month ago: the whiteness, equanimity, safety, embrace of divinity engulfing my soul.  Yet, I returned to this world.  I smile as I become fully aware of this last statement!

Just like the land with the snow, the essence requires some intergrading.  I am still me.  I still have all my quirks, silliness, sarcasm, and personality traits.  But, something has changed in my spirit.  The purpose of my survival has been diminished.  Everything is white.  There are no edges, radical falls, or fearful drops in the fabric of my being.  I can sit for a long time and marvel at things.  The anxiety of rush and uncertainty has been erased and somewhere in all that whiteness I am trying to distinguish a purpose for my return.  The evolution of me has drastically changed and finding myself in the middle of all this whiteness reminds me of something I can’t grasp.  I understand there is no need to know but this “reprogramming” is sometimes dictated by the ego that makes me human.

The all-knowing of “things” that drove me bonkers has been placed in a proper place.  Space and time don’t seem to exist only when I am due for an appointment or want to watch a television show.  I am somehow being suspended in mysticism and being around too many people tarnishes that peace.  Incorporating the experience with the whiteness of it all seems to leave a sense of displacement at times.  Why did I have to return?  As much as I love my life, family, friends and mate, something back there in that “other realm” is pure light and omnipotence.  I now have dreams of this place.  I relate to things in a way I can’t find words to describe.  I am here.  The body, mind and spirit are here fully conscious of the gift in this lifetime.  But…there is definitely a huge “but”…how do I move forward without losing myself in the soft snow of it all?

As I write this I sit on my sofa, blinds opened, watching the covering of pureness throughout the property.  It is absolutely beautiful.  The sky is white, the pond has a gray tint to it and colors have disappeared from this mountain.  We are all the same.  There is no distinction between what the mind labels and what is present.  This is the divine state of being.  This is as close to near death you can get without leaving the world.  The sound of silence is spectacularly dramatic.  I stare outwards knowing I have touched this somewhere and have returned for whatever reason.  I am okay.  I keep reminded myself when I am among others that I am fine.  The touch of a friend, the embrace from my lover, the lick on my fingers from my cat, the kisses from my daughter all bring me back to this moment.  Things have slowed down significantly and I can’t handle the rattling of anyone trying to force the moment to move quickly.

I have entered another phase of my life.  I don’t quite know where it will take me.  It really doesn’t matter.  This displacement is part of the lesson.  We are all snowflakes individually falling to oneness.  There is no need to ask permission for the existence, or give reasons for the fall.  We are here to live.  I have been provided with priceless gifts.  I am grateful for them all.  And you, there, reading this has joined me on this journey as well.  Thank you!  I see the light in you and our connection to each other.  Have a magical day.

The Nature of Patience

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There are mornings I wake hearing the earth stretching and yawning.  I sit on my sofa staring out the glass doors onto the pond, the backdrop of mountains and valley hearing a slight reaching and adjusting of nature.  It doesn’t happen every day.  But, when I witness this softness, endless gratitude of earth, sky and water I find a sense of serenity beyond anything else in my life.  I find Spirit sitting with me and allowing me to reach a place of awareness that is unlike anything else.

This morning we woke to snow and the purity of a landscape exhaling the colors of fall.  I don’t know why snow always reminds me of patience.  I guess it’s the whiteness, the serenity of it all waiting on the surface to be melted.  I am reminded again of slowing down.  We are constantly rushing, moving, in a chaos that from the Heavens must look like an ant farm.  The earth doesn’t ask permission to sit, rest and enjoy the breeze…it just does it.  Nature doesn’t question unworthiness, loneliness, isolation or anger.  It loves her presence in her space.  Nature is compassion and patience and love all embodied in Spirit.

Peaceful Quest Retreats

Storms come and go.  The snow pours and melts.  Autumn changes and falls.  It is all an easy willingness and an acceptance of nature.  Nothing happens without a reason, and the earth welcomes each movement with respect and patience.  There is so much there to be admired and learned from each particle of existence.  And, today is a beautiful reminder, with the first snow fall, that it’s time to let go and appreciate the softness of it all.  It’s time to move through the unknown and allow things to fall as they must just like the snow.  There’s no need to push, pull or resist.

It is so easy to forget where we are and where we are going while traveling in our lives.  It is impossible at times to embrace the moment and breathe in.  Even if you don’t live by the ocean, or the countryside, or even the mountains, you have to find a balance in a place to make room for nature.  Whether it is walking to a park, or sitting outside for a little bit, you have to sit in the vastness of this world.  Once you are centered with it you can see the perspective of your own existence and dwelling.  Things start to slow down, shift and make ground for the next chapter.  Have a moment to witness God’s magnificent creativity in our world.

Welcome your day with gratitude, a prayer, a cup of java and the presence of your amazing soul.  “Adopt the pace of nature, her secret is patience.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson.

Listening to Silence

Snow falls,
Fluffy soft powder from the sky
Filling spaces on the ground.
The wind moves,
Running through silence
Everywhere there is earth.
I hear the shift of breath,
The touch of soil,
The splash of serenity.
Water freezes while the flow
Continues without permission.
I listen
Attentively
Waiting for the light
To shine on the shadows
That make God the oneness
Of me,
The land,
And the quietude
Of all that makes us
The Infinite secret of
Harmonious opened
Channelers of life.

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The Myth of Us

snow falls

Snow falls hard.

Whiteness equally distributes

throughout the pond.

I raise the blinds

letting the light illuminate you.

I nuzzle under your space,

burrowing into oblivion

as you gather my heat

watching serenity pounding

against the sweaty windows.

I raise your arm to wrap you

around like a coat

feeling foreign…

I’ve never experienced this before.

The beauty of the outdoors

is nothing like the one inside

as I inhale

taking your smell through the pillow,

your nose caving into my hair,

your breath warming my neck.

I want nothing else.

I can’t imagine the many memories

this will conjure up

in the future

when I lay witnessing

snow falling,

erasing the past

while making room

for the myth of you

and me

forever….

snowheart

Winter Dream

Winter at PQR
Winter at PQR

I felt you

in the witching hours

falling on me,

c

a

s

c

a

d

i

n

g

a vision of white

fluffs,

coldness,

serenity

and hearing the wind

d

a

n

c

i

n

g

through my ears

somewhere in the distance

of my dream.

You engulfed me,

embracing all naked sentiments

while making me whole…

again

with this wintery morning

in the mountains

of a reverse youth

and smiles.