A Letter to Remember Love

A letter to my two-year old son:

Dear Luke,

This morning I dropped you off in your classroom at the daycare. You ran to your friend who has cerebral palsy. He’s a bit older but due to his disabilities he is in your class.

You hugged him and your face was covered by his facial excess from drooling and snot.

You backed away, “Ewwww!” You said and preceded to clean your face with the inside of your shirt.

Then you took the bottom of your shirt and reached to his face to clean his completely so you could return and give him a real tight hug.

You almost tipped him over, as two little guys clumsily tried to hold love in a balance.

I watched as his face dug into your forehead. You were so happy to see him, to hold him, to love him.

I sobbed making my way out of the classroom to then turn around and go kiss you. I whispered in your ear, “Thank you, baby boy, for showing me compassion.”

You smiled and let me go, waving as you returned to him. “Bye mama!”

I’m so proud of you. Thank you for teaching me how to love unconditionally in a way that exceeds any human expectation.

I cannot wait to witness the endless lessons you will provide for me and the world.

I love you every single day deeper than the previous one. I am blessed.

Mama – 9/13/19

Dangling String of Hope

 

little boy

I looked for you

but didn’t find

the little boy

who loved me

so I grabbed

what seemed

the last piece of hope

left in a string

outside

from your soul,

reeled it in,

fighting the hold

of desperation pulling

from another side.

 

I hung steadfast,

gasping,

praying,

gripping with all of me

and my connection

to omnipotence

so you can finally

be at peace

with what is real

in this world

you chose to partake in.

 

 

You are lost

in an endless maze

of poor judgment

but I will get to your spirit

as I pull harder

on that string

to bring you to the light

of love,

compassion,

and truth.

 

 

I believe…

for you and me.

Let that string keep dangling

and I will continue

to pull you back

in the lighted path of Divinity

even if it takes

a lifetime to hold

onto that tiny thread of hope.

Unfinished Composition of Thoughts

handwritten composition

Ah…this morning I am a composition of unfinished thoughts searching for the next sentence to find a safe completion. I am grateful for beautiful and lovely company the last few days. I was able to visit with my youngest son who left home almost two years ago to “find himself.”  In the process of searching he has realized that the pursuit was in him all along…usually with the return to his roots.  He will continue to hit walls and pick mazes that cause him delays in his exploration.  I reminded him that the reason the grass is greener on the other side is because it is over a septic field.  Not everything that shines is gold.  He has to figure things out on his own and will continue to do so.  At almost 20 it is difficult to take guidance from many.

I am in complete gratitude for memories…and the reminding of so many things that have changed in my life. I am forever filled with a sense of finality and closure from past drama.  These last few days have left me with the conscious awareness that Matt stands by me through things I never imagined someone would stick around for in my past.  This union, tightly knotted in stretchable material, clothes us both with certainty in not wanting to bail out when things get a little tough.  I have to continue to remind myself that some things matter and others really don’t in the large scope of life.  Nothing is perfect.  My imperfections are not as magnified as they seemed in my younger years.  It’s all about the choices and picking my battles wisely.  This comes with time and wisdom of maturity.

I have made a shift in awareness and given a promise to my higher self after these past chaotic months.  As I wake each morning I want my spirit to whisper, “Welcome back! You get another chance to love, grow, and touch another…and vice versa.” I want to hear these words not only when I am in a wonderful happy place. I want them to reach the truth of me and speak louder when the mornings might not be that great (God knows we all have them). I want to be reminded of my blessings through the sun’s ray, the morning dew, the gentleness of my lover’s breath on my neck as he sleeps, the giggles of an eleven month, and all the strokes of greatness painted in my life moment to moment. I want to remember that it’s just another chance to celebrate this journey I’ve called Life. Every day is my birthday. Every day I am made anew with discoveries, magic, and mystical events. Growth and awareness do not ascend or descend. They are straight lines that move through our timeline from birth till our last breath. It’s up to me to grab on to that and be grateful for the opportunities ahead.

The unfinished thoughts become strokes of genius at the end of mindfulness.  Letting things go is a chess game of consciousness where one move leads into another.  And, it is there…on that game board that we get to enjoy the element of surprise, miracles, and divination.  Have a grateful day…count each blessing with all of your heart!  Let the spirit of gratitude guide you through this season!

37 Life Lessons

My second son turns 24 today.  He has become and continues to evolve into an amazing young man.  I marvel at his growth, his choices and how he stands for his beliefs.  Yesterday we met up in town for a bit.  I wanted to give him more than I could at the time.  I came home to create this list of lessons and suggestions for living authentically reaching his favorite number of 37.  Happy birthday, my darling son!  Life is truly magical and inspiring.  It can get messy at times but it’s so worth the ride.  Thank you for continuously teaching me so much about myself.  I love you, baby!

1. Don’t let anyone step on your thoughts, dreams or passion.

2. Creativity is sign language from the Divine. Read great books, write your heart out, be moved by films, be touched by music, create from a place that’s raw and awesome.

3. Love is eternal. Always keep an open heart.  When the heart breaks it is a wonderful opportunity to expand as it is healing.

4. Laugh as often as you can.  Laugh at everything. Humor heals the mind, body and spirit.

5.  Wear a tutu, mix-matched socks and color your world.  Hold your pants with a shoelace. There are no rules.

6.  Be in nature and feel the presence of Mother Earth always grounding you.

7.  You are never alone. You might not see or feel, but you are always being loved and guided.

8.  You are the creator of your destiny. Align your thoughts with the universe.  You are your own genie.

9.  Every day is a chance to do it right.  Don’t beat yourself up.  This shall pass.  Give it time.  Try and try again.

10. Kindness is the key and compassion is the lock to healing the treasures of humanity.

11. You need to remember why you are here. Find joy and it will open the memory bank of your purpose for this life.

12. You must honor you first and foremost.

13.  Life is a second. Enjoy the journey. It passes quickly. Have no regrets.

14. Do nothing. Do anything. But don’t complain. Suffering is a choice.  You are never a victim.  You are a survivor.

15. Travel, even if to the next town. Explore your surroundings.  Let the outside world be your teacher.

16. Anger is a great source of fire but if not contained it will burn you. Let it go.  Nothing is worth that negativity.

17. Forgiveness is not for anyone but yourself.

18. Eat with passion, drink wine, and do whatever you want in moderation.

19. Don’t blend through life. Stand out as you are. You are the best version of you there will ever be.

20. Sleep! Sleep as much as you want. Don’t let anyone make you feel guilty for wanting and needing rest.

21. F*ck is a wonderful word. F*ck whatever anyone thinks of it. Sometimes it is the only word that can be expressed.

22. Everyone shits. And everyone’s shit stinks. Don’t let anyone make you feel otherwise. No one is better than you.

23. You are beautiful. No amount of makeup, surgeries or anything can change the light in you. Fill the vastness of emptiness with love for yourself.

24. It’s great to have people in your life but ultimately you are responsible for you alone.

25. Whenever you have kids remember they aren’t your ownership. Let them learn to find their way.

26. Making love is very different than sex. Respect your body. Don’t let anyone kill your self-worth.

27. Vulnerability is strength.  Allow yourself to fall and ask for help.  We are in this together.  You don’t have to carry the world on your shoulders. Some days you are the teacher and other days the student.

28. Money is not the root of all evil.  It is a great source of energy to use and help others.  The more you believe in its magical powers of giving, the more you will receive.

29. Fear and control are child-like monsters occupying the darkest part of your psyche. They are not real.

30. Live life with all that is meant to be: pure joy, love, and light.

31. God is always in you. You are the oneness of all. The world will try and tell you otherwise but you know better. Wake up to the truth.  Don’t let the years pass by with uncertainty.  You know what you know because you are divinity.

32. I will love you no matter what happens. Even if I didn’t know you I would still know that you and I are connected through breath.

33. Meditate, pray and be with yourself. It is there that you will find you.

34. Judgment is based on insecurities and ignorance. You can never understand another unless you are inside of their soul.  This serves no one. Be kind to those you see every day.  Notice the drama of life and all its falsehood.

35. A compliment to anyone is the best gift you can give them along with a smile.

36. Stay present. Don’t let your ego travel to places it will never really visit.

37. You are a creation of a million cells generating mystical thoughts, powers, and emotions. Treat your uniqueness and honor yourself.

Pulling a Miracle

miracles

Our only car broke down yesterday down the mountain.  Matt was driving slowly when the right side ball joint came off.  Last year around this time the other side came off in a parking lot.  Both times the Divine has been with him in that he wasn’t driving fast or on the highway.  We are always taken care of in the way that suits our lessons and pushes the evolution of survival to expand in the awareness of God.  At the moment of the unfortunate event (and his growing agitation) I asked what I could do for him. His answer was, “Nothing. Unless you can pull a miracle out of your ass!”  And, so I sat at home and began to manifest a miracle.  Funny thing about miracles is that if you don’t specify what you are needing the Universe will give you another miracle that’s been in line waiting for the asking.

A few hours later my 19 year son, who left home a year and a half ago, called me.  He wanted to apologize for everything he ever did: the disrespect, the attitudes, the pushing away, the horrible things said about me, and the disregarding of my parenting authority.  We had not spoken in that time other than when he needed a specific paper or something for whatever he was trying to accomplish.  We had become two strangers.  I expressed to him, through heartfelt sobs, that he will forever be my son.  He needed to go off and find himself.  He needed to experience the rough edges of the world and return with scars from trying.  He needed to live out the illusions of freedom and what it returns when you aren’t careful in your decisions.  That’s the battle of youth entering adulthood.  There are lessons in letting go of our loved ones even when we know they may be hurt by their choices.  I obliged and respected his wishes to be left alone.  Not one day has passed that my prayers did not travel time and space to him.  We spoke for a short while.  I assured him that he could do anything he wanted to and that I would always be here because I was Mom.  I am proud that he is figuring things out.  This was a miracle in waiting.  It had been standing in line until I asked for it to come forward…”just a miracle” and no specifics.

There are nights I lay awake thinking about my six children. I am certain other parents go through the list of questions: What did I not do right? What could I have done differently? Will they look back and realize that love was always given in abundance? Will they have taken into adulthood the knowledge that material things don’t really matter? Questions gather and release. And, as I toss and turn, churning on the mattress, I come to listen to my inner guidance. I have done the best I could do under my limitations and capacity. People will always look inside glass houses, attempt to judge, criticize, and belittle. No one knows your path, the struggles along the way, the many times you had to bulldozed your way to the other side. These thoughts come and go during nights that sleep eludes me. And, then, another miracle appears: as daylight enters the room the Divine visits with assurance. I take deep breaths, thank the Universe for allowing me to redo all the wrongs, and continue learning. I go outside, sit on my deck and enter the church of nature. It is there that I find the peace to comfort my spirit and quiet the many unknowns. I am the best possible version of me and I whisper to God, “Thank you. Thank you. Thank you!” I am whole again.

Asking for a miracle is allowing God to align your wishes with what you deserve.  It is a faithful act of letting go and releasing to the unknown.  It is in believing that we are entitled to the impossible.  Once you know and feel the awareness of illusion in that everything is okay the world opens up to your every desire.  We have no control of what can and will happen.  That’s the miracle.  As Lemony Snicket says, “Miracles are like pimples, because once you start looking for them you find more than you ever dreamed you’d see.”  Allow those little pimples to pop and show you the beauty of your wishful heart.

Forgiveness

There’s no more
Sting from your rejection,
No more venom
Pumping through my veins
From your cruel words.
A year in a life makes
A difference.
Love and laughter
Replaced the brokenness.
I still miss you,
My son,
My little boy.
But respect is deserved
And when trust
Breaks everything…,
Well it takes some time
To heal.
I will bend back and forth
Like the trees
Finding support
Inside the ground
Until the day you return
To love me
As Mom
And all of me will
Blossom once again.

There’s no place like home

No place like home by Nelson

My son, his girlfriend, and a friend arrived from Florida yesterday. He turns 24 tomorrow. They will be here for a week. My sister, niece, her husband and daughter will arrive on Monday. Having my family home is always an adjustment for everyone on the first few days. But, family is always a loving dynamic and we find joy in sharing. Stories will be shared, moments will find new albums, and laughter will be contagious.

I last saw my son on my birthday in April. We had a marvelous afternoon walking on the beach in South Florida. It was a loving time full of adult conversations. I know how difficult it is for my oldest son to get used to his parent’s separation. He seems to take things much harder than the rest. When he comes to visit I am initially waiting for emotions to fly off the handle at some point. Usually my mind creates the worst.

He took the above picture as he got home. He showed it to me and said, “There is no place like Mom’s home.” Tears formed in my eyes. No matter how old they get they still find home where the heart resides. Entering the house he smelled the aromatherapy oils I always burn. “Ah, smells like home. Miss that smell.” He walked through the kitchen and living room breathing the eucalyptus and rosemary. His demeanor changed completely. His spirit let go and I could see it in his eyes. He was back in a place of stability and security.

There’s a grounding quality in the places we call “home.” There should always be a place that feels nurturing, loving, comfortable and healing. It doesn’t matter if it’s a mansion or a shack. I try to create this sense of safety for my family. My home is my sanctuary and I am very conscious of treating it with love. There is no chair or space that can’t be used. There’s no discomfort or uneasiness. This home is a place to sit back and just relax. All my homes have welcomed family and friends to just chill. Home is that place of finding loving energies. Everyone should have a space that allows the spirit to let go and feel secure. I hope that my space can always provide that for others. This haven provides an on-going comfort for so many. Even whenever I leave for a few days, I re-enter my space and always thank God for what I have. I find myself like Dorothy whispering, “There’s no place like home!”

My last home was a massive house. I had a living room that I called “the red room” because the sofas were flushed and red. It seemed that anyone who sat there for more than 10 minutes began to share emotions. The room seemed to have a therapeutic effect. I am not a therapist and was always surprised at the things people would divulge. Even strangers would just break down and start sharing personal things. When I moved to North Carolina I sold everything. The time came to buy new sofas for my home and I purchased red sofas again. I’ve found that the color stirs up emotions in others, and also allows them to let go. Secrets, emotions, traumas, and stories are shared in this space. They provide a comfort area to watch television, share a glass of wine with friends, and a great nap time on a lazy day.

Is it the furniture? Is it the color? Is it the energy of this place in the mountains? Is it the lack of restrictions to what anyone can do? I really don’t know. What I do know for sure is that my son and others come home and I watch their spirits breathe and relax. I thank God for this sanctuary. I am grateful that the Divine provides them with this space to let go and rejuvenate.

I hope that no matter where you are that you can create paradise in your space. Whenever you spirit comes home it should be a place that feels the nurturing energies of the Divine. Home is the place where your stories never need an explanation and you can always feel loved. It is the place that allows the real you to rest, rejuvenate, and recreate.