You Don’t Need Permission to Be You

permission

I have fallen outside of consciousness several times in my life. During these moments I haven’t had the awareness of my human factors. I don’t know anything but truth. A little of this also happens during meditation. But the last time it was profoundly evident was two years ago when it truly showed me how easy it is to detach from human ego. There is no chain holding us in the body. There is no vault holding us tightly to this costume. Consciousness and the soul move out quickly. I have had the privilege to be around others when they die and it’s just a blink of an eye. It happens in a way that our timing and perception cannot gather or comprehend. To fall outside of this consciousness has allowed me to see things in a different light. I recently realized how much I avoided in my life.

I was afraid of everything. I was paralyzed by anxiety and judgment for anyone thinking that I was nuts. I couldn’t step outside of my truth and I became a prisoner within guarded relationships who reminded me I was possibly insane. I picked these characters to hold me back from being in the light. These folks were placed in my life for security by no one other than me. As long as I knew I couldn’t step outside of my authenticity no one could reject me.  I lived based on what I thought would be “normal” for everyone. Imagine the injustice I created for over 40 years? What an amazing time wasted in worrying about others instead of living my truth.

I share this because I know so many who are falling in and out of consciousness and feel the claws of insanity judging them. You owe yourself full respect, love and acknowledgment. You don’t owe anyone your stories, your trial and tribulations, or apologies with excuses for being you. Be quirky. Be whimsical. Be outrageous. Be freaking full of love. You will never make every single person happy. That’s very improbable. But, you can make yourself content by being you. If that looks like a hippie, a psychic, a religious fanatic, a political loud mouth, an artist, a musician, a homeless man, Superman, Wonder Woman, or whatever…that’s your choice. When you finally embrace all your qualities, greatness, and magnificence…oh my God! you will be in a place of freedom. Be happy with you. You are here to live out truth. Fear arrives when we stop ourselves from consciousness by adhering to everyone’s demands. Stop asking for permission from society to be you. Go achieve your greatness. And, if you lose people along your the path towards your freedom…well…they were lessons. Let them go. Let yourself go too!

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Mile Marker

mile markers

A sweet wise woman this past weekend shared some magnificent insight into our psyche. She said that “we all have markers…like mile markers in our lives that become significant points of reference.” These markers define major parts into our psychological health as they contribute to all the choices and how we react in the future. I understand these events in our lives. They start from the moment we are born and we work to either avoid them or feed them. If you are abandoned by a parent as a child that pivotal moment becomes a marker. You may spend the rest of your life feeling the abandonment with relationships, strangers, or other events. That particular mile marker leads the path to others. So how do we let go of the markers?

I believe we do it by consciously realizing they exist. They are lessons along the way but they don’t light the way unless we keep repeating similar issues. It’s like getting off a freeway and getting back on to pass the same mile marker over and over. We can fall into this place of hopelessness that does not allow us to surpass that mile. Then the next question is how do we consciously become aware if we don’t realize that they are there? Some of these markers are way back in childhood. But, you do know they are there in the subconscious when the same drama continues to unfold with different actors.

Living a life full of conscious awareness is not easy. We have to take responsibility for our lives and everything that happens in it. We cannot blame the world for what happens, will happen or never happens. We have choices. These choices are part lessons and part programming. The spiritual process of letting go requires shutting up the ego and living by faith…the knowing and accepting those things that aren’t in the comfort zone. It’s a matter of accepting the ugliness, the failures, the shame, the disgust and also all the wonderful experiences. We are made of duality. We need the dark in order to have the light and vice versa.

A simple definition for insanity is repeating the same thing over and over while expecting a different result. Detect the projections of others and your participation! Accept your responsibility in your story! Reject the same markers of dramatically filled egos! You got this. You do NOT have to continue living through past markers. You have the power to change the programming and move forward into a life that’s free of hurt and loss. We are not meant to struggle in such a way that we become paralyzed to the freedom of self-love and self-acceptance. Our worth is NOT suppose to be sacrificed. On the other side of this backward mind belief is JOY waiting to be embraced. Your authenticity is powerful and you are the only who can get you there…stop looking at the rear view mirror…you don’t live there anymore! Check out the beauty ahead!!!

The Gift of Love

tunnel-to-spirit-realm

“For those who believe, no proof is necessary. For those who don’t believe, no proof is possible.”~ Stuart Chase

My father came to visit me two nights ago.  He’s  dead for over 15 years.  The only other times my dad has visited have been significant in guiding me or preparing me for some extraordinary change in my life.  The uneasiness and restlessness that’s been mounting in me was confirmed with his visitation.  I don’t normally write about my spiritual gifts.  It is still a subject that brings up judgment, intolerance and disbelief in many. I do believe that in order to express how I see things it is important to share my stories. Many people feel alone in these “crazy evil visions.” They feel scrutinized, judged, labeled and loathed. It was just a few years ago that I began to share with others because I, too, felt the criticisms which then brought on a magnitude of self-loathing.  I don’t find the need to apologize any longer for what was bestowed on me through beautiful gifts since I came into this world.  I cringe at the labels society places on humanity for things they fear and refuse to understand.  My life is sweeter now that I can share.  I have less anxiety and fears. I don’t feel alone in this journey.  And, if you are reading this and have similar experiences please KNOW that you are not alone!  The world is shifting.  Consciousness is finally awakening to mysticism and love is the key that’s unlocking all the prejudices.  Once again with my dad’s visitation I felt the sweet endearment as I heard his clear whisper in my left ear, “Es tiempo, Nena” (it’s time child). I was tucked into bed and slept like I haven’t in long time. 

The last time I heard those words I was on the other side of the realm, between here and now, in a hospital bed on January 15, 2014.  I didn’t see a tunnel or lights or loved ones.  I didn’t see Jesus, Buddha, or any great masters.  I didn’t see anything but a bright light of Oneness that embraced my soul.  I didn’t have a body.  I didn’t fear or cried or asked questions.  I stood in whiteness of universal presence.  I was in the midst of love through a magnifying lens that erased every conceived notion of what I thought death was.  I don’t know how to describe what I saw because words here in our human existence do no justice to the purity and love that I felt.  I wanted to stay.  I didn’t think about my loved ones.  I didn’t analyze life or death.  I was just there until I heard my father come into this space and whisper those words.  Then I saw him briefly.  My consciousness argued with him about returning to my human space.  I didn’t want to leave this magnificent place of love and light.  Had anyone else showed up I think I would have pushed them out of the way, bullying my way into the rest of my dying journey.  But, my Papito came and told me it was time to return.  I had things to do.  I had a reason to continue living. In a quick moment I returned to my body.  Just like that I was no longer in that love.  Just like that I was thrown back into a place of humanness.  But…that calls for another story and another day.

Lately, my meditations have been on love.  I begin expanding my heart, breathing in and out light, while traveling through places of love: past, present and future.  I send love and healing thoughts to those close to me. I continue expanding outward to those who are no longer in my immediate circle.  I further expand into the world to strangers in every nation. I finally end the travels when I am in space looking down at our blue and green magical planet. This meditation can last hours at times.  I lose track of time in the middle of the night.  In the midst of my heart expanding I begin to feel that light that I was in when I died.  I feel the essence of something that connects each one of us.  I begin to feel peace, forgiveness, compassion, sorrow, joy, empathy, and every emotion tied together.  Sometimes I release with a deep cry and other times I smile with my heart.  Hard to tell what happens when I am in the depth of Oneness traveling through universal consciousness.  I can’t explain it!

My dear father’s visit brought up something mystical again in me.  He was an absent person in my life. Do to his humanistic qualities of narcissism and egotism he did what he needed to do in order to survive his journey.  We all do! He was a gentle soul but a gypsy at heart.  He was here and there and everywhere the wind blew.  I have a lot of gifts from my father.  The most important one is forgiveness.  I don’t think he ever carried resentment or anger towards another.  He was just in his own world living life to the fullest.  His heart was opened so widely that he had several massive heart attacks and countless surgeries.  So when I go into meditation with my heart opening and expanding I make sure to say a little prayer about not needing a heart attack to open it even wider.  I’m conscious of the powerful mind, body and spirit experience.

It is rewarding to get a visitation from a loved one.  I am not the Long Island Medium, or John Edwards, or any of the folks out there that we witness on television.  I am just a Hispanic woman living on top of the mountains in North Carolina minding her own business.  Sometimes I am bombarded by loved ones before I even meet the person that the message is for.  It happens a lot in our busy season.  I am not a medium.  I am not psychic. I don’t read the Tarot, a crystal ball, or anything other than the light of love and the messages it provides. I am here to give a message if need be and move on.  I am a facilitator between the veils of what we all see and what we choose not to.  The spirit world is right next to ours.  The rarity is that I get messages for me from my loved ones.  It just works out that way.  To have a visit from my dad was beautiful.  I was able to snap a picture of my room in that moment when the orbs were all around me on the bed.  I was touched again by love through his words, the smell of his cologne, and the warmth of fatherhood.  It is in those moments that I feel the energy of our connections.  We are all one.  We are all here and there.  There is no death or finality.  There is only infinite love.  Embrace it!  I love you.  I love you.  I love you all!

You are not broken

broken

I’ve had people in my past constantly telling me how I am in my imperfections: “You are broken. You need to fix this and that about you in order to move forward. You have to figure this out the right way without your nonsense. You have to allow for this and that because you are doing it the wrong way….” For most part of my adult life I happened to believe this Broken Theory and the need to fix, not only me, but others around me so that I didn’t feel broken. The truth is that I am not broken. I don’t need fixing. This is who I am and who I intend to travel down the road of life. Each part of me that has fallen, ached, fractured has also gotten herself up, healed and been whole. I am not needing to fix anything else. That desire to be super woman has diminished with time. Peace comes in accepting who I am with what I am and where I am with my truth.

You ARE NOT broken. You are learning. You are evolving. You are growing into the person you are meant to be. You are challenging your higher purpose and self. You are moving through this life with the things that matter: an open heart, wisdom, compassion, faith and grace. There is a constant focus in our society that we need to better ourselves at all times. We need to diet, avoid getting old, work ourselves into early graves, and never take the time to just sit with disappointments, obstacles, and mistakes. God forbid we actually acknowledge the dark side in ourselves! It is exhausting to think, that as a whole, we must take medicine, hide our imperfections, and avoid anything that pauses us into a state of deep awareness. We have such an imbalance in the body, the mind and the spirit because we are constantly looking outside of ourselves for answers that are already inside of us.  We are not broken in the way that others have wanted us to believe. We are moving slowly, transitioning into another place, with each passing moment we are getting to know the truth in ourselves. We are embracing authenticity and all the beauty it has for us. This mass consciousness is never easy but to accept the labels of “brokenness or needing fixing,” well that is just unacceptable.

As I keep returning to the memoir that I need to complete, I keep finding all those parts that others insisted were broken in me. Each time I return to edit and add I get physically ill and must stop the process. I believe I am passed the point of accepting the Broken Theory. And, for this month I will allow myself the gift of moving inward without distractions. I will not be on social media. I will not be posting on this site. Every few months I need the serene world of myself.

As we move through this next month allow yourself the moments of falling helplessly onto a sofa, a bed, and covering your head if that’s where you are in your life. This will pass! We must distant ourselves from others at times. It requires solitary confinement, peace, and lack of distractions. You will get there. First, stop accepting that you cannot get through this. Secondly, stop feeling that there is something horribly wrong with yourself. And, thirdly, the fixation of perfection is overrated. Who the hell wants to be like anyone else? You are magically beautiful. You are stupendously gorgeous. And you are the most AWEsomest person you will ever know. You are the Oneness of it all. Stop focusing on what isn’t. Accept what is and move on. You got this! After all the Divine doesn’t make mistakes!!!!

I ask that you be gentle with yourself this month. Let the month of “Love” be about loving yourself first and foremost. There is beauty in this truth. I promise that when you feel the light of Oneness in you others will begin to feel that as well because it starts with You. Mucho love, my friends!

Out of Order

exhausted-woman

I’ve hit a new over-achieving goal. I have never been this exhausted before that even my sleep time is tired of not sleeping. My eyes are filled with heaviness and it takes all of me to keep them open. I was once described as the “energizer bunny.” I now know what a battery feels like when it is drained of power except my emotions are accountable while the battery just dies. I don’t know where the energy in me sipping out of and onto. Life keeps moving every second I am forced to move along the escalator ~ going up and down whenever. I hope this is not permanent. I don’t remember this feeling of pure nothingness along with an achy body. It feels as if every cell has given up on me, not even generating new ones. And, I hear myself and the negative thoughts I hate with a passion. This is not me! I hate complaining and I despise this feeling of giving up to everything. Even my passions and desires are in an over extended fatigue. They require a higher vibration that I can’t seem to acquire at this time. But, I am up and writing and watching a baby eat cereal while throwing half of them to the floor for the dog. I am up and willing to give it another day, another night and another chance. I just don’t know when I will be me again. When will I feel the energy and zest I have had for so long? I am too young for this and too old to know better. I have rough edges now that I didn’t before this year. It’s as if the softness in me has been torn apart leaving me raw forcing me to examine intricate parts of me that my psyche had been covering.

I want to examine this “exhaustion” as the ending of an old me. I want to believe it’s like chemo burning all the toxic and rebuilding. Endings are crucial, mystical and abstract in so many levels. I want to believe that by being depleted there’s a purpose because I will be substituted with grace, strength and wisdom. This exhaustion is part of the process of eliminating everything from the past and rebuilding with new materials a healthy future. I want this eternal tiredness to be a part of painful growth that’s almost ending. I have to believe from the core of my new rawness and pain that this is a temporary ailment of spiritual evolution. My spirit is showing me that I am more than I can ever credit myself for being.

Last night I went to pick my best friend up at the airport as she’s been gone for over two weeks working. For an hour an a half on the way home we spoke about my disappearing from social media and the disconnection from friends. I expressed my “concerns” with some of my children who have mental issues and feeling as if I was being under a microscope with regards to my grand-daughter. She expressed with great wisdom, “No matter what you do these people will continue to think and say what they feel like saying. You need to live as authentic as you always have. This is nonsense! You have been in hiding. No wonder you’ve been sick and exhausted. I am exhausted knowing what’s coming and seeing you move through every day with the lack of energy that’s not you at all. You are an amazing mother and a wise woman. Do what you need to do to live your truth. They will say and do whatever they feel like because they are not well.” She said a few other things that made me come home and truly inhale. I went into a deep sleep but sometime in the middle of the morning it hit me and I exhaled out loud, “I’ve been in hiding and it’s not worth it. No wonder I am exhausted. I will never be perfect for anyone. I need to live for me.” You can’t fix crazy. I know this. I have a PhD on this subject. And, just like that I realized I couldn’t continue to feel the claws of depression and uncertainty around my neck strangulating every sell from oxygen.

I found a letter from an old friend in a forgotten pocket of my wallet the other day. It was a message that I needed to read after all this time. And, today, just like that I got it:

My wish for you is to fall in love. Fall in love with yourself, darling, in a way that allows that illuminating light of love to shine onto others. Fall madly in love with yourself in the way you fall in love with nature. Let the world be your lover. Be in love with the universe. Radiate the presence of forgiveness, understanding, and compassion that’s always inside of you. I wish you to fall so profoundly that nothing will hurt you ever again when it pertains to a relationship: any type of love, not just a lover but a child, a parent, and a friend. You have learned that pain and disappointments are just experiences to teach you about the different facets of your soul. I wasn’t your greatest love. I was the catalyst for you to experience it. You ARE your greatest love. Look in the mirror and watch the lover in you reflecting….”

Exhaustion is a reminder that I am human and cannot take on anymore than what my spirit can handle. The body has gone on shut-down mode for a reason. I have to honor this moment. I am fortunate to have a mate who steps up to the plate and a friend who follows the flow of my needs. It’s all part of the growth. And, for now I am reminded of a saying in a store that my friend showed me today. “The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.” I am listening!!!!

Life is a Salad Bar

salad barLast night my best friend and I watched the endearing movie, “Heaven is for Real.”  It’s a story about a little boy who has a near-death experience and goes to heaven.  At the age of four he teaches those around him about faith. After the movie Bobbie asked if after all these months I can still feel things that I did when I came back into my body in January.  I explained to her that I would never be the same prior to that date.  I have no fear of dying.  I also have no understanding of what others experience.  Anything and everything I knew before January 15, 2014, is null and void. My participation, involvement and personal narrative have nothing to do with anyone else.  No two people can experience exactly the same thing. Every action and circumstance is different.  Our lives are as unique as fingerprints.  My faith has been strengthened.  My ability to reason has been rewired.  And, my knowing of what I knew to be true has disappeared.  I can read things from a year ago and I cannot relate to the b.s.    I know nothing.  I knew even less then.   Every rough edge in my being seems to be smoothing out.  I returned with a deep compassionate heart for me.    Always having been the worrier of everyone else, I realize now it has nothing to do with me.

I was once standing at a salad bar.  My children were all getting the same toppings, yet every salad was different.  We all had the same ingredients but no two salads were identical.  That’s life!  We can all share the same jobs, family, losses, circumstances, course of events, and so on but no two lives are identical.  It is foolish and arrogant to say that “I know exactly how you feel” or “I understand completely.”  Impossible!  We can empathize and sympathize with one another but our emotions, decision making, processing, and a million other factors make it impossible for anyone to know “exactly” how you are feeling.  Besides I truly believe we all have the answers we need at all times.  All we have to do is get out of the way and let Spirit guide us.  If you are fortunate enough to have someone listening to you as you process an issue you will come to the conclusion on your own.

We are here on borrowed time.  Even with time being a huge illusion it is still the indicator of our livelihood.  Eighty years (if we are lucky to live them) is not that long.  In the scope of desires, dreams, and wanting to live fully that seems like a really short lifespan.  At the time of death things that mattered in our lives seem insignificant.  It’s all about lessons, experiences, and the connections we make while here on this planet.  I am often reminded of Tim McGraw’s song “Live Like You Were Dying” and how perception plays a huge role in the way we live.  If you knew you had an expiration date what would you do differently?  How would you live the rest of your time? Would you consider it a privilege and gift?  I bet money wouldn’t be an issue, or the degrees you didn’t get, or even the material life you thought was important.   But, you might look back and regret not saying more “I love you’s,” “I am sorry,” “I am proud of you,” and so on.

Heaven is for real.  You create it every day.  Hell is for real as well.  You create it every day.  You get to choose which mental location to live on.  Do you want joy or do you want hatred?  Do you want peace or do you want war?  Our internal factors are a switch away.  You get to decide how you live your life.  And, if you believe for one minute that you cannot change the way you are living, then sweetheart, you are definitely living in hell.  Let divine wisdom, God, and your faith dictate the way.  What others say or think really does not matter.  Be aware of the endless possibilities in your dreams!  Awake each day to being present and the amazing gift of another day.  You came into this world knowing your mission but have forgotten it for a bit.  Sit and search for your truth. You got this!

Knowing Unknowns

There is a saying that most people use when trying to make a point about certainty, “I know it (him/her) like the back of my hand.”  I haven’t really spent too much time knowing the back of my hand to be honest.  I, mean, if it was on a picture among other hands I would know mine (I think).  I don’t know why we use this jargon.  I also don’t know anyone that well.  I don’t even know myself completely.  Who does?  Do you truly know yourself?  Or, are you ever changing, evolving, transforming and moving in a way that surprises you? It sure surprises me.

I have said in many conversations that if “so and so happened to me I would react in such a manner.”  Whenever the Universe has provided a similar event, as an opportunity to grow, I have reacted completely different.  How I think and how I react are sometimes opposites.   I can’t really say anything for certain.  My life is forever changing.  All the shifts push me to think diversely because asymmetrically things are defining everything I think I should become in order to be happy.  It is truly ridiculous to entertain an idea and sit with it until it happens to you.  I am learning not to attach myself to any clichés.  I don’t know myself that well. The balance, the symmetry, and the idea of perfection is an illusion!

Life has a way of challenging our psyche.  It pushes us to a breaking point.  It causes us to see the world in a different manner to experience empathy with our spirit.  Just when I think I know something about me that is certain there is a new lesson guiding me to expand my thoughts, reactions, and outcomes.  I believe patience is born from these moments.  We get the opportunity to expand our perceptions.

Yesterday I was going through the “catch all” junk drawer in my room.  I found a picture of me with my kids when they were younger.  My ex and I took them on a cruise in May of 2007.  Everyone in the picture looks happy. If you look closely, even through my smile, there is a sadness that yells out, “I can’t do this charade any longer!”  We are all standing in front of a field in Old San Juan.  It is the perfect picture for a perfect vacation.  I don’t even know why I had kept that particular picture on this drawer.  I realized at that moment, while closely observing the faces, that my ex wasn’t happy at all.  He was hiding secrets behind his smile.  I was lamenting them and holding on to some belief that someone was going to pull me out of that relationship.  Funny how, in knowing myself, I really had no clue.  A picture captures the physical part of the world, but it also freezes a moment forever.  Who truly knows themselves?

I stared at that picture for the longest time.  I could see the exhaustion and tension inside of me.  Five of our six children stood there posing for the hundredth time.  They were hungry, hot, tired, and just wanted to run around.  I wanted to sit and do nothing.  My ex wanted to explore the jail and reminisce of Cuba.  I was a different person then.  If I think I don’t know myself well enough now, I know I knew nothing about that woman standing in the photograph.

If someone had shown me this picture about another family I am sure I would have commented on something esoteric.  Like, “look at the way the woman’s eyes seem sad. Or, look at the detachment from the man. Or, those kids look nothing alike.”  And then my humanness would have commented, “Why would anyone want such a big family?  How does one travel with that many kids?” I would have judged the idea of what we think we know.  The truth is we know nothing.  We know even less when ego gets a hold of us in a moment of frenzy.

There is no originality to me that stays grounded forever.  I am ever changing.  Events, problems, experiences and people are constantly pushing the cycle of my evolution.  Spiritually, physically and emotionally I am not the same person I was yesterday holding that picture, tracing each face with my index finger (that one that I truly don’t know very well).  I know nothing of what it is to know certainty.  There is no certainty.  There is just this moment, this key stroke, this word, and this middle-aged woman opening her thoughts and heart to you.  I search for the moment of enlightenment as Lao Tzu expresses, “He who knows others is wise; he who knows himself is enlightened.”  Until that moment I am learning to move with the flow of life…have a blessed day!