As we come to close this year, I reflect. It’s been a doozie one. It’s been a year of chaos and pain; loss and gains; uncertainties and many unknowns. We’ve been put through a meat grinder at times without knowing exactly when it will end. The collective can now begin to heal. You and I will do that together even if it’s from afar.
On a personal level it’s been an emotionally difficult one. I feel like I have aged several years. I am exhausted. My physical body has held on to some masterful bullshit the last 9 months. But, I am also fully aware that some years feel like a decade while others are absolutely delicious full of magic and blessings.
This morning I woke extra earlier. I said my prayers, sat in meditation and wrote out things I desire next year. I am doing no intentions. I have absolutely zero expectations for what may come. I am letting go…. on various levels. I am just releasing it to be amused and entertained by the Universal surprises. I love surprises!
This past year has definitely shown me the strength of my human heart. It has allowed me to witness humanity from afar and up close and personal. One thing I’ve learned is that no one will take care of you the way you need to care for yourself. It’s your human and spiritual duty. And, I have shifted the blame game as well. No one, and I mean no one, is responsible for how you feel. That’s all on you. You get to decide who and what you allow to take away your joy.
It’s felt like a chess game at times, carefully moving on a board, with lots of calculations, as not to be deleted from the game. It has truly felt like the world got caught up on a massive web of intricate and dangerous moves. But, here we are. We are navigating it all together and I am beyond grateful for those around me.
Be kind to yourself. I haven’t always been kind to myself this year. I’ve beaten myself up for mistakes. I hold myself accountable for shit that isn’t even mine. I have degraded this miraculous soul of mine many times. I have not spoken up when I should’ve. So the only thing I will do next year is to put her first and foremost. It’s time. I love you. Go love yourself with the same ferocity you love others. I am doing it!
Change is here. Everything has changed for me and others. As I sit on my back deck I catch myself reminiscing about the beginning of this year and all the plans I had. I’m sure we all had trips planned, career goals, lifestyle changes and so much more in our thoughts.
The last few months there has been a freeing and release. I’ve let go of expectations and all the goals I had for 2020. There has been a spiritual expansion that has allowed me to truly work on some beautiful projects at home and within myself. Huge shifts have happened and continue to evolve. Witnessing spring in full bloom somehow matches part of my emotional and spiritual journey at this time.
I am turning. I am also transforming from one season into another. I recognize the desire to continue moving inward. It’s in upcoming months that I will watch and learn what humanity is made of. I have faith in the human race. I trust we’ve learned some powerful lessons lately.
The last few months have brought a huge awareness of what and who I allow in my life since social distancing has been a powerful experience. I have rid myself of major toxic energy. I have learned to protect myself from things that would bring others down. It’s been a wonderful gift of bearing down and letting go. It’s been a season of exposure from darkness into light. The world has been undergoing the dark night of the soul.
Things may appear to be back to normal as the world opens up. It may feel that we can get right back to what was routine a few months ago. Be gentle with how you proceed. Be cautious with your decisions. Be mindful of how you show up with others.
I don’t feel is possible to go back to normalcy. I have grown way too much to just dive right back to “what was” when “what is” feels so different. It feels like a different world to me. Even the energy of the collective is nothing like it was at the beginning of the year.
We’ve had a giant global pause and to disregard it is a real atrocity. It is a gigantic loss. What an experience to witness humanity at its most vulnerable state! To just go back to what was is basically bulldozing all that has been mastered and accomplished. We’ve been clearing individual toxicity.
We’ve been put in timeout and so much of our own tramas and triggers have come up and out. You can’t just dismiss that by returning to your previous normal.
I have seen mysticism all around me. I mean, remember when the sweet Italians were serenading to each other across balconies? How neighbors sat in their yards to talk to others with distance. How about all the creativity that has come out of this lockdown? How the animals came out of the forests to roam freely? How about the smog all over the planet, clearing up? Our appreciation for healthcare workers, teachers and others has been magnificent. People began to connect on a deeper level because for once we were all experiencing the same shift.
There is tremendous gratitude for my life and those I love beyond words. Seasons may come and go but my inner circle of friends and family continue to warm my heart all year long. I have met so many new people on social media. The world out there has changed. I can not deny the expansion.
Slow down and watch the world around you. I know you will get out there and return to your busyness but please remember the good things about the last few months. Recall how you were able to “just be” for the first time in forever. I am sorry if you have lost a lot during the crisis, especially a loved one. I know many who are in financial shambles. Folks are grieving. Let’s not forget about what has happened too quickly just to get back to business as usual.
There is a magnificent shift in our timelines happening right now. All we have to do is pay attention for the changes…the small and the large ones. We get to decide how we show up from here on and it will be interesting to watch.
Stop for a moment. Take a breather. Pause. Exhale.
At this moment there is a giant fork on the road. Your life was going one way and now… well, now there are unknowns. Millions have lost their jobs. Others have no idea what they will be doing when this is over.
But this is ongoing. Over is not an expectancy. The only thing you have at this time is this day. Life is forever changing out there. And it is also shifting inside of us.
I had pretty much set goals for this year. I was going to write and start my own non-profit humanitarian company advocating for children while also doing intuitive consultations. This year began on one path and then the Pause came. I have two little ones at home so my time is dedicated to them. Some evenings I hold sessions over video chats. Most days I end up in my yard when they go to bed exhaling from the demands of my day. My current job is to love them and make them feel safe.
At first I planned on doing so much with whatever time I was gifted. But my inspirations didn’t arrive. Let’s be honest many of us thought that if we had a month off we would do so much at home. We would get projects done, write the novel, paint, learn new trades….
The state of the world has felt heavy and sometimes just getting out of my pajamas into yoga pants is daunting. I cut my hair so I have one less thing to do cause brushing it or putting it in a ponytail was extra work. I do make my bed daily to feel as if I have accomplished something. It’s in the small details.
I don’t have to know what I will be doing next month. I am not stressing about what will arrive. I try not to over analyze about our finances. I won’t beat myself up for not doing all I had in my imaginary list. I will sit here and pause. I will know when it’s time to proceed with whatever I am to do. I will know which path I need to take.
We live in a society that has been programmed to keep busy. We must know what is coming without smelling the roses or enjoying the moment. We want to feel productive. We want to know we matter by how much we have acquired. We feed our egos with labels and titles. God forbid we take time to heal ourselves from a lifetime of abuse by just allowing things to come up and out.
Darlings, at the end of the day those things that we claim are important don’t matter. Health, family, service to those around you, and connections are the directions on your love compass that matter.
Be gentle with yourself. Give yourself a break. Take this Pause as a gift to rest. You don’t have to know what needs doing or how to do it right now. We are all in this together. Some will go back to work. Some will have to reinvent themselves. And then there are some who will not be here for any of this. Be grateful and take your time. I love you.
Today I went on a pilgrimage. My husband took the kids and I headed up my favorite mountain. It’s been a while since I have been alone. All alone with my thoughts.
This mountain is the place that for many years I would hike during summer rain, ice, snow, and every other weather condition to help with severe anxiety. I lived down the mountain and for years it was my daily commune with God. The higher I trekked the easier I felt the Divine. I released so much of my old life up there.
This was the place I broke several ribs, sprained my chest cavity falling on ice and ended up in the ER. Another time it was where I fractured my tailbone. I can’t remember the many times I sprained my ankles. The trail and I had many battles. Sometimes I won. Other times I was well defeated and I learned some powerful lessons. It was the mystical place I stargazed at night and played with my kids during hard times when I had very little money. I had many galactic experiences up there. Bearwallow Mountain pushed me to begin writing with openness about myself and nature. It was the place I took my husband on our second date and where, on Christmas Day nine months later, I asked him if he would ever consider marrying me to which he answered, “Sure, why not?”
And years passed before we married and during that time those hikes helped me heal so much of an old self that was strangling me. I hiked in order not to run. I hiked because while I was climbing that mountain I was living in the present. I was grounding myself in order not to hurt myself.
The terrain up there pulls me. The vast space on top of the mountain calls my soul. The smell of cow manure is like coming home to comfort. The decomposing of the earth is intoxicating. In a bizarre way all my senses are heightened and I come alive like no other place. Today I needed to go home alone. And while I was up there I realized that on this day ten years ago I came to these mountains for the first time. Two months later I would be calling them my home.
So I sat on my favorite boulder and spoke to God. I cried while feeling the world’s grief. The beauty was breathtaking. I began asking for the best possible outcome for my kiddos. I felt the cool wind go through me with assurance. A baby calf came up real close while I was meditating. We startled each other when I moved quickly. And I giggled like a little girl. It was pure joy to feel the simple ease of the moment.
Up there I felt my soul open up again like it had years ago. Memories flooded since it’s been a while I had been there. I found many heart shaped rocks to add to my collection. There is magic and connection there and I was reminded to not wait so long for another return. It’s free therapy that enlightens my spirit.
The mountain always offers me a sacred journey inward. It holds intimacy and rawness. Today it supported me once again. And it reinforced what I always believe: it is compassion and gratitude that bring us to ourselves. It is release and forgiveness that allow our return to spirit. And, it is love that makes us, creates us and embodies us at all times…all this through the earth. Nature heals us. We become aware of our small presence in this world. Nature is our connection to the Divine and to each other. The divine is the love that we are and continue to learn from.
We move and make decisions based on experiences and our personal level of awareness. I cannot ask others to help me when they have not experienced the challenges. And believe me, everyone has an opinion the moment you make things public. During these times I marvel at the level of awareness in our society. Everyone starts to tell you how you need to live based on what they’ve experienced, what they’ve researched and whatever else feeds their perspective. People are moved through fear in most cases. They enter a loop of beliefs and cannot let them go. And then it’s transposed on to our human spirit. During challenging times this all gets magnified and sent out to the collective.
It can be destructive. And it can also be a positive outlet. It’s up to you to decide. Your higher self leads the way. It is your internal GPS. It knows truth. It begins to guide you to continue trekking.
Every mountain you choose to climb begins with small steps. If you go too fast you start to feel the unhealthy pressure and lack of breath. You allow fear to take over in that momentum. The tinnier the steps the more endurance you accumulate. It might take longer but to climb a high mountain you need to truly be mindful of your life substance… your breath. You have to continue the self pep talks. You must believe in yourself beyond anything else. You must listen to you and what you feel is truth.
Here is the world’s greatest opportunity to come from a place of love and compassion. To come from a place of trusting yourself. To allow the unknown to be just that while you work on yourself.
GO Climb your mountains. Regardless how others react. Go after your goals in spite of the naysayers. Take chances. Pick a path along the journey even when there are a million deviations. Believe whatever makes YOU happy. Keep climbing. Keep breathing. Keep focusing on what you want.
You get this giant pause to work on your life. It might feel like everything will never be the same. But neither are you.
Your life is a blessing made up of so many magical moments. Don’t allow anyone to instill their shit on you. Ever! You begin to create the life you desire the moment you put on those hiking boots and start walking towards your purpose. The higher your purpose the more people will try to pull you down. It’s all a game and you get to decide how you participate.
You can do anything you want. I promise. But start with your inner awareness and full heart belief. Love yourself enough to turn the impossible into possible.
Yesterday in the kitchen my oldest son shared a few messages from his friends for me. Then we got into an in-depth conversation that his friends (in their 30’s) are feeling blah. There is a funky lethargic energy. I told him that even with all this extra time people aren’t feeling motivated. He agreed. He said that this should be the time we should be really diving into artistic creativity, but it isn’t happening for many.
There is a sense of nothingness and uncertainty. People feel as if they are moving through Dooms Day. Others as if they are being controlled.
We can motivate and inspire a million times over but until this is over not many will feel it. It’s easier to be numbed out. The little bit that’s asked of us is a lot at times. Even as simple as staying put and social distancing. We are not made to isolate. And this is why so many folks are struggling.
Yet, there are those who are able to do and move through this. We are being asked to sit with the unknown and trust. We are being told one thing and experiencing others.
Follow your knowing. I don’t care how many people tell you to look at things their way, if it doesn’t resonate you do not have to follow it. You are your best judge of character.
Stay safe. Stay in your truth. If you are motivated…yay. If you are not… yay. Your soul knows what it needs. Be gentle with yourself.
Without busyness a lot of our shadow self emerges. Things we’ve not dealt with come up and out. They get magnified. We are confined with others who are also experiencing their own shi(f)t.
I am sure there will be many separations and divorces when we return to our previous lifelines. There will be many who may find themselves picking up a vice (or two) in order to suppress the event. There may be abuse involved and lots of low vibrational challenges ahead.
Take a breather. Return to this memory. Step back from it all. Recognize truth. You will be triggered by your partner, kids, parents, friends, neighbors and the media. You will be rubbed and irritated by the confinement and the lack of routine. You may even fantasize of how different your life will be once you have your previous life back.
That other life will now be completely different. You will question your purpose here. You may be dreaming of how to reinvent yourself professionally. You will also recognize that simplicity is your new reality. You didn’t need all the heavy distractions.
This is your life. There is no returning to that other one because your experiences now are forcing a split in timelines. You will never be the same.
Deal with the dark side of your personality. It’s time to ascend and in order to do so you can no longer put that side of you on hold. You can no longer neglect healing it.
The struggle is real. You will emerge through a complete metamorphosis. It isn’t pretty. It is definitely uncomfortable. But… sigh … I feel you will choose the best outcome for you and your family.
Be safe. Heal the past and work on releasing it. Forgive yourself. Forgive others. That irritation creates a crack that is allowing light to enter.
The first three months of 2020 I was writing… A lot. And I was keeping a gratitude journal each evening on my phone. When the schools let out weeks ago I stopped. Not because I wasn’t grateful for our health and for the ability to be safe with our kids, but because time was no longer available in the same manner. Now when I do have spare time I am beat.
I’ve raised six children basically on my own before this second act. Those six are grown and gone to have their own lives. This time it’s two little ones and a husband. And I look at them with joy and wonder. Many times in disbelief that at almost 52 years of age I have chosen this mothering job again. I take it seriously. And the state of the world feels heavier because they are so young…and I am much older.
Time has stopped. And I am living (as many of us are) in a loop. Just like the movie Groundhog Day, I have no idea what day it is. It’s like an ongoing weekend without the ability to physically connect with others and be in places that bring us joy.
I miss my Starbucks chai latte with no water. I can make it at home but it’s not the same as speaking to the Barista while the chocolate croissant is being heated.
I miss interacting with strangers daily everywhere without the risk of getting sick.
I miss driving. Today I got in my car after a week just to pull my eyebrows and chin hairs. It was lovely. I didn’t leave the driveway. The mirror and light in there make a difference. I miss doing this while I waited for my daughter to get out of school before. You know THAT before. Before the world stopped being the same!
I miss the human touch of friends. I miss hugs and kisses. I have them at home but sometimes, in rare moments, a friend can truly reach the depth of my soul with a hug. No words needed. It’s the most fantastic yummilicious exchange of energy.
Don’t get me wrong…I am forever grateful. For so much. I am deeply aware of how fortunate I am. Yet, I am struggling with an immense sadness. As we all are.
This is a shit show. It’s okay to say that out loud. While I know this is not just about the virus, but a massive shift in our humanity, I am mourning the life I had just a month ago. I am mourning the lives of so many. I am feeling such denseness for the turmoil, the lack of readiness, the uncertainty and the truth. Combine that melting pot of emotions with other things and, yes, it can be a tad much at times.
Every year I pick two words as my intention for the year. I picked “adventure and travel.” Oh, it’s an adventure alright. Daily! And I travel all day long from the kitchen to the living room to the bathroom and laundry room. There are several other rooms I explore. Every few days, when it’s not raining, I travel to the far end of our property to talk to myself in quietude. That’s the moment I am not cooking, or picking up crap from the floor, or sanitizing little hands. It’s just me and God. And boy, Am I keeping Him busy with my talks!
There are projects to be done. There are books to be written. Cabinets to be painted. There is a lot that I can be doing when I have those ten minutes of peace. But truly…I don’t feel like that’s important. I rather sit in the sun. I rather read a passage from a book that brings me to sacredness. I rather do nothing because in the nothingness lies peace. In that vacancy I get to feel the illusion of it all and it’s beyond tolerable.
There is an entire world experiencing loss and ambiguity. I’m grateful for my little bubble in the country setting. But, it is emotional fuckery, physical carnage and chaotic spirituality. (And yes, I am using more “sentence enhancers.” If not now then when the fuck)?
We cannot deny ourselves the emotions. And when I get on social media to escape, I read of others moving through similarities. This helps me connect and disconnect simultaneously. It allows me not to feel lonely in my own loneliness of seclusion.
I laugh. I cry. I shake my head in disbelief at times. I sometimes get angry. I even mumble a few things at the screen. But, ultimately I get to be here to keep a little bit of my sanity in tact. I get to witness the best of others.
Who knew that 2020 was really about seeing the world through new lenses? We’ve had to adjust and redefine our lives. We’ve had to purposefully let go of our dreams for the time being. We’ve had create a new state of reality. It’s a gigantic pause like never before. A pause to dive inward and pull out old traumas and triggers. It’s a pause to heal…globally. It’s not just this viral event. It is an existential crisis of the soul.
I promise you that it will be okay. I say this constantly. Sometimes I actually believe it. I thank you for being here with me. For taking the time daily to sit together and fill these pages with love, humor, and important messages. You are an extension of my life right now.
This year is a game changer. We will emerge from the flames with some massive badassery. I have no doubt.
Be safe. Be love. Be authentic. Be faithful. Be compassion. Be the best you there is.
Hello, darlings. How are you all doing? It’s some intense times. I’ve had to truly allow the “feels” to come and go. I feel all sorts of emotions at different times of the day depending on what I’m engaging and entertaining.
I ask that you be diligent in your mindfulness and presence. Reach out to others during the stress.
What I do know is that these times are about connection, especially with your immediate family. It’s about returning to simpler times. And we will have plenty of it coming up as we may get quarantined.
Love one another!
Get your house projects done if you can. Finish writing your book. Create that piece of art work you’ve put off. Get your Christmas greeting cards filled out. Purge your closets. Figure out how to make toilet paper out of recycle stuff. Do whatever you need to do to stay mindful and present with your thoughts.
But for the love all that is good please find humor. Laugh. Dance. Do your yummilicious shifting. No more judging others. No more hate.
Anxiety will rise. Fear can visit often. It’s all okay. You truly aren’t alone. There is shi(f)t of unknowns right now.
You are one freaking miracle consisting of millions of cells that exploded to create a universe in you. You are a world alone bumping and connecting with other worlds. Not for one moment think that your world is insignificant. You have been programmed to believe that you are small but you’re huge. You are infinite. You will continue to live even after you are no longer in this incarnation.
And guess what you are here to do?
You are here to love and learn and love some more. You are here to experience all aspects of humanness. This is not a test. It’s not suppose to be a gigantic struggle. You are suppose to rise and help create for others.
Every single event, challenge and obstacle is here to expand your consciousness. You are here to touch hearts and teach what compassion is. You get to do that through your examples and power. Do not give your power to another. Do not hand your magic to anyone. It’s yours! You hold on to it and make this world a better place. We are now remembering why we came. And it’s all about love, connections, forgiveness, expansion and grace. I love you.