This week I’ve had to adjust and readjust my self-talk. I have had to dig deep to find answers about my life and the world. I’ve had to reach a place of forgiveness and grab on to love while healing.
Listen, darling! Sometimes healing happens in the silence of the night, alone in your room, with a thousand tears cleaning your soul.
Other times it blooms in the presence of loved ones. I’ve witnessed the many places and spaces it can decide to come to surface.
Healing may dance and sing and wrap itself in joy. Or, it can play peekaboo for a long while.
What I’ve learned from the beautiful appearances is that once it shows up you begin to feel better.
Healing is unpredictable. It’s always aligned to your experiences and how far you can process the pain, the trauma, the memories. Allow for it to come and visit in its own time. Don’t control it or manipulate it by pushing it down, aside or out. It has to do its job or otherwise it gives you false
Hope. It can make you feel like you will no longer feel the pain… until it reminds you that there is still work to be done.
You’ll know when you’ve healed. I promise. Don’t rush through it. Don’t agonize over the pain to go away. It’s got to do what it’s got to do. And then it won’t do it anymore.
The ego is designed to keep us safe based on our programming. It’s hard to override it even when we know that the ego is trying to keep us in comfort. The monkey mind chit chats and attacks. Ego is personality. Mooji has said that “If you want GOD to appear, you disappear.” We must disappear from the personality.
The ego seeks to divide and create separation. It tries to overanalyze even the smallest of miracles. If you think about what’s been happening in our world lately, egos are doing exactly what they are designed to do: cause a rift between everything.
Returning to your divine wisdom isn’t as hard as we create it. It’s not only during meditation, or the dream state, that we can access spirit. It’s not only during yoga or other modalities that we can reach the higher self. We get to choose and decide how, and when, we connect to Source/God/Great Mysteries (whatever you call it).
I urge you to connect through faith in these times. Follow your knowings and certainties. Listen to your divine voice and let it guide you. Anxiety comes from worrying about the future. Depression is when we are stuck in the past. Neither of them is from Spirit. They are both created in ego.
We, as humans, cannot let go of the personality at all times. I wish! I would be living in that space 24/7. What I do know is that I get to choose certain times in my day where I return to the present through breath and contemplation. My highest calling (and yours as well) is in this moment of time. Everything else is past or future. Ego will continue to dictate which one you pick. Your spirituality is based on returning to what you know at this moment. Quiet the personality and recognize your miraculous powers of creation!
I love you,
“Most people don’t follow the highest call of their soul because they are waiting to see the end destination before they take the first step.”
I keep finding love. Surprises me because it’s never really lost. It’s there waiting to be acknowledged. But, when I find it in the most unusual of places, well I am moved by lack of ego towards it all. I am reminded of growth and awareness. I experience the ultimate pleasures of the divine consciousness without the mind chit chatting it away.
We as a whole in this world need to learn to tolerate without judgment. We need to allow the ego to fall to the side in order to help others without discriminating. Whether it is for the homeless, the illegal immigrant, the single mother, the homosexual, the drug addict, the HIV patient, or anyone who is human and imperfect like we are! If you haven’t experienced their life please be kind enough to send love, prayers and allow your ego to take a backseat. Never diminish one struggle over another. Never judge what you haven’t undergone. The harshness of opinions, criticism, and intolerance seems to cause more than just wars. It is depleting our world from the faith in humanity. Unless you walked the talk…please sit down and quiet the ego.
We are one. We are connected in this giant web of humanness. Learn from others but don’t allow your preconceptions determine the person they are, can be, or should become. You never know where life can (and will) take you. Karma has a way of teaching powerful lessons when we carry a closed mind and heart.
Now go out there and show your superpowers of loving and compassion. Love as loudly as you can. Boooommmmm!
For as long as I can remember I have ached to live or travel to the edge of civilization. I have craved to hear stories told and shared from all corners of the world. I’ve wanted to touch and inhale the essence of humanity, the borders of humanness. I’ve been studying empathy, compassion and what moves us to be who we are. I’ve been fascinated by spiritual and philosophical issues. The irony of this has been that I’ve received more than my share the last few months in isolation. I’ve witnessed the evolution of our civilization in the last week. And I marvel at how much I will learn in the near future.
We’ve gone from witnessing horrible and atrocious deaths of black men to partially opening up a country that’s been affected by a killer virus.
The virus has taken backseat the last few days. It’s become about our constitutional civil rights. The fight has been well overdue. Folks who were locked down for months have taken themselves out there for their rights… because let’s face it, whether it’s a disease/pandemic or racism, there is a virus.
One doesn’t care about your race to kill you. The other is a learned behavior and programming that has been around since the beginning of time.
People are dying. From both. The pandemic has nothing on racism that has been killing and torturing people forever. Racism has used religion and politics as part of its ignorance and fear.
These months have allowed me to truly take my Sunday’s into sacredness. I space out the day in my mind to accommodate God and pray. Even if I’m out with the kids in the yard, I am in my most spiritual presence sending love and healing into the energetic fields. I am mindful and extremely present in my day. I take in the journey from the edges of humanity and really try to breathe love into all the corners.
Today I am empty. I have nothing. I woke not knowing anything while trying to figure out how we will move through the state of our country and the world. I watched some of the protest videos. I ask myself, “What is all of this mounting to? Where will we be in a few weeks? How can we resolve what has been here unjustly forever? What will be on the other side…?”
So for a bit I will just entertain the idea that our lives are massively evolving into something indescribable. We are awakening to a totally different world. We are leveling up as avatars in some cosmic game. Each level gets more complicated and challenging. We will utilize our truths and knowings to move on and evolve. We will heal. We will find a way towards peace. We will rise together from the flames of many injustices. The last few months have had many folks living in fear. That was nothing in comparison to what needs to happen.
Continue keeping your peace. Continue raising your frequency to love and forgiveness. Let’s remain humble. Let’s hold space for others who are experiencing so many emotions at this time. It’s chaotic. It’s intense and we are experiencing new levels of perspectives, awareness, tied to our own individual truths. Sending love to all.
Last month I celebrated the 52nd anniversary of my existence in this life. I feel the heaviness at times of half a millennium. And other times I marvel at the joy of not giving a crap with this age.
I was such a strict-over-the-top-controlling person. I was always stricken by anxiety. Everything had to be just so. I was not a perfectionist which seems ironic. It was the need to make sure that things were in order: the house, business, kids, family, friends… basically I took little time for my needs. And several times I almost died as if my spiritual guides were yelling, “Yo, WTH will it take for you to just slow down and enjoy yourself without worrying about others? Breathe, woman, breathe!”
At this age, especially during this time in history, I have stopped a lot of that old programming. The only time it shows up is if I am struggling with something and the house gets a deep cleaning, decluttering, and my husband takes notice to stop me and ask what is triggering it. To which I become aware of the old behavior. I take the time to honor the emotions rising instead of busying myself in avoidance.
It’s a privilege to be here. This age. This time. With these sweet people in my life. I don’t take it lightly. But I also keep gaining a wicked sense of humor that helps me with the deep indents of laugh lines on my face.
My hair is grey. My body is fuller and softer. I hurt myself with ridiculous stupid movements at times. I have hair coming out in places that shouldn’t have and hair has stopped growing in normal places too. I don’t often recognize the reflection in the mirror but I laugh at who is there. I don’t get as annoyed or angry as I used to in my youth. I am forgetful and this is great for those who share personal stuff with me. I truly don’t hold grudges. I am experiencing a delightfulness of finding inappropriateness and humor to simple comments. I don’t see things the same way I did when my attitude was so rigid.
Sometimes I wear all the colors together. Other times I am mindful that tutus and boots don’t always work well with certain places out there. I told my husband recently that I will be one of those eccentric old ladies. To which he answered, “You ARE already an eccentric old lady!” I cannot imagine what else will evolve in the next twenty or thirty years. I am a better mother because I am able to feel childish at times.
One thing I know for sure is that we are all on borrowed time. Tomorrow isn’t promised. I only get this moment. So why not make the most of it. Anything else is a bonus.
Let’s stop obsessing about things we can’t control or change. Let’s recognize how blessed we are that today we are here. Let go of the past regrets and resentments and live life in the now. When I worked with dementia patients I learned that what is important is living fully. Anything is carrying a ball and chain of emotional baggage that does nothing for your soul.
Instead of making your life a giant question mark make it a huge exclamation mark of yumminess. Life is one Tada moment after another.
Loving you fully right now. Right here. That’s all we truly have. Be you. Be the best you and stop worrying about how others see you. It’s all too heavy. Please put it down, sweetheart. Your soul will be at peace.
Stop for a moment. Take a breather. Pause. Exhale.
At this moment there is a giant fork on the road. Your life was going one way and now… well, now there are unknowns. Millions have lost their jobs. Others have no idea what they will be doing when this is over.
But this is ongoing. Over is not an expectancy. The only thing you have at this time is this day. Life is forever changing out there. And it is also shifting inside of us.
I had pretty much set goals for this year. I was going to write and start my own non-profit humanitarian company advocating for children while also doing intuitive consultations. This year began on one path and then the Pause came. I have two little ones at home so my time is dedicated to them. Some evenings I hold sessions over video chats. Most days I end up in my yard when they go to bed exhaling from the demands of my day. My current job is to love them and make them feel safe.
At first I planned on doing so much with whatever time I was gifted. But my inspirations didn’t arrive. Let’s be honest many of us thought that if we had a month off we would do so much at home. We would get projects done, write the novel, paint, learn new trades….
The state of the world has felt heavy and sometimes just getting out of my pajamas into yoga pants is daunting. I cut my hair so I have one less thing to do cause brushing it or putting it in a ponytail was extra work. I do make my bed daily to feel as if I have accomplished something. It’s in the small details.
I don’t have to know what I will be doing next month. I am not stressing about what will arrive. I try not to over analyze about our finances. I won’t beat myself up for not doing all I had in my imaginary list. I will sit here and pause. I will know when it’s time to proceed with whatever I am to do. I will know which path I need to take.
We live in a society that has been programmed to keep busy. We must know what is coming without smelling the roses or enjoying the moment. We want to feel productive. We want to know we matter by how much we have acquired. We feed our egos with labels and titles. God forbid we take time to heal ourselves from a lifetime of abuse by just allowing things to come up and out.
Darlings, at the end of the day those things that we claim are important don’t matter. Health, family, service to those around you, and connections are the directions on your love compass that matter.
Be gentle with yourself. Give yourself a break. Take this Pause as a gift to rest. You don’t have to know what needs doing or how to do it right now. We are all in this together. Some will go back to work. Some will have to reinvent themselves. And then there are some who will not be here for any of this. Be grateful and take your time. I love you.
Today I went on a pilgrimage. My husband took the kids and I headed up my favorite mountain. It’s been a while since I have been alone. All alone with my thoughts.
This mountain is the place that for many years I would hike during summer rain, ice, snow, and every other weather condition to help with severe anxiety. I lived down the mountain and for years it was my daily commune with God. The higher I trekked the easier I felt the Divine. I released so much of my old life up there.
This was the place I broke several ribs, sprained my chest cavity falling on ice and ended up in the ER. Another time it was where I fractured my tailbone. I can’t remember the many times I sprained my ankles. The trail and I had many battles. Sometimes I won. Other times I was well defeated and I learned some powerful lessons. It was the mystical place I stargazed at night and played with my kids during hard times when I had very little money. I had many galactic experiences up there. Bearwallow Mountain pushed me to begin writing with openness about myself and nature. It was the place I took my husband on our second date and where, on Christmas Day nine months later, I asked him if he would ever consider marrying me to which he answered, “Sure, why not?”
And years passed before we married and during that time those hikes helped me heal so much of an old self that was strangling me. I hiked in order not to run. I hiked because while I was climbing that mountain I was living in the present. I was grounding myself in order not to hurt myself.
The terrain up there pulls me. The vast space on top of the mountain calls my soul. The smell of cow manure is like coming home to comfort. The decomposing of the earth is intoxicating. In a bizarre way all my senses are heightened and I come alive like no other place. Today I needed to go home alone. And while I was up there I realized that on this day ten years ago I came to these mountains for the first time. Two months later I would be calling them my home.
So I sat on my favorite boulder and spoke to God. I cried while feeling the world’s grief. The beauty was breathtaking. I began asking for the best possible outcome for my kiddos. I felt the cool wind go through me with assurance. A baby calf came up real close while I was meditating. We startled each other when I moved quickly. And I giggled like a little girl. It was pure joy to feel the simple ease of the moment.
Up there I felt my soul open up again like it had years ago. Memories flooded since it’s been a while I had been there. I found many heart shaped rocks to add to my collection. There is magic and connection there and I was reminded to not wait so long for another return. It’s free therapy that enlightens my spirit.
The mountain always offers me a sacred journey inward. It holds intimacy and rawness. Today it supported me once again. And it reinforced what I always believe: it is compassion and gratitude that bring us to ourselves. It is release and forgiveness that allow our return to spirit. And, it is love that makes us, creates us and embodies us at all times…all this through the earth. Nature heals us. We become aware of our small presence in this world. Nature is our connection to the Divine and to each other. The divine is the love that we are and continue to learn from.
We move and make decisions based on experiences and our personal level of awareness. I cannot ask others to help me when they have not experienced the challenges. And believe me, everyone has an opinion the moment you make things public. During these times I marvel at the level of awareness in our society. Everyone starts to tell you how you need to live based on what they’ve experienced, what they’ve researched and whatever else feeds their perspective. People are moved through fear in most cases. They enter a loop of beliefs and cannot let them go. And then it’s transposed on to our human spirit. During challenging times this all gets magnified and sent out to the collective.
It can be destructive. And it can also be a positive outlet. It’s up to you to decide. Your higher self leads the way. It is your internal GPS. It knows truth. It begins to guide you to continue trekking.
Every mountain you choose to climb begins with small steps. If you go too fast you start to feel the unhealthy pressure and lack of breath. You allow fear to take over in that momentum. The tinnier the steps the more endurance you accumulate. It might take longer but to climb a high mountain you need to truly be mindful of your life substance… your breath. You have to continue the self pep talks. You must believe in yourself beyond anything else. You must listen to you and what you feel is truth.
Here is the world’s greatest opportunity to come from a place of love and compassion. To come from a place of trusting yourself. To allow the unknown to be just that while you work on yourself.
GO Climb your mountains. Regardless how others react. Go after your goals in spite of the naysayers. Take chances. Pick a path along the journey even when there are a million deviations. Believe whatever makes YOU happy. Keep climbing. Keep breathing. Keep focusing on what you want.
You get this giant pause to work on your life. It might feel like everything will never be the same. But neither are you.
Your life is a blessing made up of so many magical moments. Don’t allow anyone to instill their shit on you. Ever! You begin to create the life you desire the moment you put on those hiking boots and start walking towards your purpose. The higher your purpose the more people will try to pull you down. It’s all a game and you get to decide how you participate.
You can do anything you want. I promise. But start with your inner awareness and full heart belief. Love yourself enough to turn the impossible into possible.
Yesterday in the kitchen my oldest son shared a few messages from his friends for me. Then we got into an in-depth conversation that his friends (in their 30’s) are feeling blah. There is a funky lethargic energy. I told him that even with all this extra time people aren’t feeling motivated. He agreed. He said that this should be the time we should be really diving into artistic creativity, but it isn’t happening for many.
There is a sense of nothingness and uncertainty. People feel as if they are moving through Dooms Day. Others as if they are being controlled.
We can motivate and inspire a million times over but until this is over not many will feel it. It’s easier to be numbed out. The little bit that’s asked of us is a lot at times. Even as simple as staying put and social distancing. We are not made to isolate. And this is why so many folks are struggling.
Yet, there are those who are able to do and move through this. We are being asked to sit with the unknown and trust. We are being told one thing and experiencing others.
Follow your knowing. I don’t care how many people tell you to look at things their way, if it doesn’t resonate you do not have to follow it. You are your best judge of character.
Stay safe. Stay in your truth. If you are motivated…yay. If you are not… yay. Your soul knows what it needs. Be gentle with yourself.
Fifth week of quarantine has taught me a lot. I am not the same person who entered this crisis.
At first there was release. Old traumas triggered and healed. There was so much old hurt that showed up and I didn’t even process why until weeks later.
Then came anger, disappointments and short fuse syndrome over everything. Denial and acceptance showed up a lot. Sadness would follow with grace. I cried a lot. I was in a fog. It was not pretty to feel it all and be in the midst of darkness. Forgiveness was the mother experience in all of it. It actually lifted the fog.
Every emotion has been deeply felt the last few weeks. I became spiritually detached. It rattled the core of me. I somehow had disconnected from Source and couldn’t get back to my center. Then last week it stopped. It all came full circle. I felt my heart cracking open and accepting. I understood what I didn’t understand. I know not to know anything and it is okay. I accept this being this at this moment in time.
There is something to all of it on a huge cosmic level. My dreams aren’t dreams but incredible travels elsewhere. And I marvel at the opportunity to bring back lessons from other lifetimes. When I close my eyes at night I get to go and come back with deep peace and awareness.
But, I also know that as weeks go by the collective will be in a lot of turmoil. There is heaviness in the world. There is sadness and anger. Every person is undergoing their own growth. There is a rainbow of shitty emotions going on that weigh each of us down. There is no pot of gold ahead for many. Folks ask what I asked in the beginning, “What the hell is my purpose now?”
Our purpose is to rise up and join a higher frequency. We can’t fight dark forces with darkness. We must light the path and lift the fog.
I’ve decided to shift my perception and mindfully return to love every single time I get into that head space. I don’t have to know about tomorrow. I only need to be here now.
My home is sacred. My family is too. I am willing to participate in this giant awakening experiment because obviously I chose this time in history to be here. I will not be shaken by what I read or see or hear. I understand that love is the vehicle, for me, at this time.
How are you feeling after all these weeks? What are you learning?