Love Is All

Moments are the connections to life’s journey. They are the process of all there is in some magical dance between synchronicity and love. Each second connects into another. Our own connection pulls and tugs to intertwine with each other. By being aware of each moment we can join, partake, and openly participate in this creation of life. That’s all there is: the taking of good and bad and surrendering to it all. We co-create the stories. We allow it to come and go, passing through the process of time and space. Afterwards, when the stories are too much, the drama is too stale, and the tragic of not being at peace is maddening, we blame the universal forces for our participation in this co-creation. We detach and close off from the universal element of love.

That’s all love is. It lets go of boundaries, walls, and inhibitions. At times, the dance involves fear and panic for allowing another co-creator to take our desires even though we gave them the power to do so. The truth is that true love is effortless. Not, that it doesn’t require work, but it’s just a rhythmic dance of ease and grace. It devours intimacy by accepting and not holding back any of our insecurities. Love doesn’t push. It opens and breathes peace and trust. It is raw and compassionate and all that is of God. Love is accepting of another without judgment of your own self. It brings you into a place of complete surrender. It allows light into the darkest of places.

We complicate love with our agendas and traumatic experiences of lack. We aren’t good enough. We are not worth enough. We are this and we are that. Those beliefs are implemented into our own hearts. But truth be known, love doesn’t care. Every other emotion lives in our head. Love is the only one that lives in our heart…in Spirit. We come into the world with this one and only sentiment. The rest of them are acquired through life’s lessons. But love is about relating to another, not losing yourself into that other person. It’s a union of mind, body and spirit in a way that contributes to all that the universe has created. Love is about being Divine. With or without another to partake in the journey, the moments of true peace are those when the heart is open and the light of God shines through.

May you always find this staring at the reflection in the mirror, or in the eyes of a child, the unconditional appreciation of an animal, and the relationships gathered through this lifetime.

On Being an Empath

strong-fragile-heart

I had a doctor appointment today…a follow up from the hospital. The doctor was explaining a murmur in my heart that I’ve had since I was a child. He insisted in drawing a picture of the valve not closing all the time…blah blah blah. He went into a lot of technical medical terminology that went right over my head. I had that look of numbness so he stopped being a doctor.

He was very kind with his words. He said that I have the lungs of a teenager and the heart of a strong woman. He looked at me with the sweetest blue eyes and said, “You have a strong-fragile heart so we have to be cautious of what we put in your body.”

I chewed on those words the rest of the morning: “Strong-fragile heart.” Yes..that! I have that…that which I think can’t break but is always at the edge of fracturing even with being strong. That…yes…that was clearly the best description of how I feel most of the time…all my feelings, and emotions gathered at the edge of strength and then struggling in vulnerability because I was taught to, “Suck it up, Buttercup!”

There…right there in the opening and closing of valves and whatever else mechanism I have in there. Just wanted to share that because most of us here who are empaths have strong-fragile hearts.

You are constantly right on that edge…pulling back and pushing forward. You are barely standing and breathing but you manage to keep it up. You are always feeling as if one minute is too much to open and close into another.

But you do it. You do it cause you are freaking awesome and strong and filled with faith and compassion. I have never had a doctor explain things in such simple manners that left me thanking the universe for the beauty of connecting with someone.

Thank you for being in my life, sweet strong-fragile souls. I love you. Touch that ticker and feel the life in it. Let it do its strong-fragile thingy to the best of its ability. You got this!

Accepting the Hot Mess

hot-mess

I am an emotional-intuitive soul. I rarely make correct decisions based on thinking, logic or what others think for me because they believe it will fix me. I have to feel whatever I am about to do. If it doesn’t feel right, I have learned to avoid it. If it feels good, I follow it even when it makes absolutely no sense to anyone else. I am moved by a “knowing” that I cannot explain. The older I get, the easier it is for me to base my decisions on that knowing.

I am also a runner. I have a pair of invisible worn-out running sneakers with me at all times. I have a hard time dealing with things that don’t feel good, right, or acceptable. I have a hard time sitting and patiently waiting for the feeling to subside…so my natural instinct is to haul ass as fast as possible. I put Speedy Gonzalez to shame!  This is not a characteristic that should be applaud.  This is merely a survival instinct that allows me to deal with discomfort in a quick manner.

Between being emotional and a long distance runner, I can get myself on an emotional roller coaster that feels like I am living in an eternal (internal) hell. Even though others might not recognize it, because I am excellent about hiding my emotions, and diving into someone else’s issues (of course to avoid my hot messes), I tend to deal with my emotions in a destructive manner. God forbid I face my discomfort with the same openness and love I give everyone else.  Nurturing everyone else is so delicious. Me…nahhh…not the best feeling at times!

But, this is what I am learning in the past few months. It’s become very clear that I have the ability to sit in the annoyance, displeasure, frustration and muck, while surviving the duration. I have seen myself grow through the process. If I run, I am not growing. If I stay, I get depress but it eventually dwindles and I come out of the challenge with a stronger spiritual bonding with my higher self.

Let’s face it, life is magnificent and crappy and delicious and challenging and so many other things that make us want to just give up one moment and cheer with passion on another. It’s all a giant emotional roller coaster, especially for someone like me who is moved by emotions.

My two year old a few months ago said to me from the backseat of the car, “Mama, you a hot mess!” It came out of nowhere. I looked at her through the rear view mirror and asked, “Why do you say that, Kali bug? Why am I a hot mess?” Her answer was quite ingenious, “Cause!” And she went on to look at the trees and ask for her doll.

“Cause!”

Cause life is stupendous and annoying and yummy and messy all at once. That’s why! I don’t pretend to be perfect or normal by social status. I am a hot mess of emotions and must accept the ups and downs of who I am. I avoid implementing my feelings onto others. But, when a two year old can see my frequency and feel my vibration, I recognize that I am not hiding it from anyone. I am just pretending. I am in complete avoidance and oblivion.

Whenever I see another who has the same emotional mapping I am attracted to them. They don’t seem like a hot mess to me. They seem like souls who need a nudge, a cheerleader, and someone to hold their hand. I don’t need to say anything, because they will change from one moment to another. I just need to acknowledge them, create a safe space for landing until the next thing that will catapult them into a frenzy. That’s the beauty of the emotional being…we are serendipitous and move through a different realm of acceptance.

And, that’s the answer. Acceptance.

When I finally accept myself, becoming aware of who I am without needing to conform to those around me, I am willing to change and expand. I can sit with the discomfort, dive into the hot spring of messes and just be. It’s okay. I don’t have to run because I can’t explain my knowing. I don’t have to hide because I can’t live in the sadness or the joy when it doesn’t feel right to another. I just have to surf the wave of emotions. I feel for all those who understand this process. I know you get it cause you, too, are constantly in the flux of feelings and knowings without making sense of it with critical thinking.

And…let’s face it, it’s hard to live with someone else who doesn’t understand the feelings that come in and out within a five minute span of time.  It’s torture for the other person because they want to understand the logic behind the “knowing and feelings.”

Embrace your hot mess, your loving status, and everything in between. Use your senses and your inner guidance to follow the yellow brick road. Stop making life so difficult. You have the innate ability to be the best version of you without others dictating it. If it feels good…do it!  When you finally surrender into who you are, life invites you to live in sheer joy of freedom!

Our bodies have five senses: touch, smell, taste, sight, hearing. But not to be overlooked are the senses of our souls: intuition, peace, foresight, trust, empathy. The differences between people lie in their use of these senses; most people don’t know anything about the inner senses while a few people rely on them just as they rely on their physical senses, and in fact probably even more.” ~ C. JoyBell C.

Making My Way Home

i-dont-know

I am not a teacher. I am not a guru. I don’t have answers to all the wonderful spiritual questions out there. I cringe when someone asks if I am psychic. I related a message to a woman the other day from “beyond” (or what seemed like her deceased grandmother) and she asked if I was a medium. I answered, “Nah, I am a large. I haven’t been a medium in some time!” It took her a second and she continued to ask more questions that I just couldn’t answer. I can’t take titles seriously. I can’t take any of those labels to heart. I am currently having enough issues dealing with daily life…just one of those challenging times. Next month it might be different.

I continue to struggle with writing and sharing my shenanigans. I question the things that I know for sure. I have nothing to offer anyone but the spec of hope and faith that I, myself, carry at all times. That’s sufficient for me, but I cannot tell you how to attain it. Don’t ask me how to start a spiritual practice, how to meditate, or how to use your intuition. I don’t know. I only know what works for me.

I love reading the wonderful emails and messages when someone asks me about relationship advice. God knows I haven’t a clue how to direct you to attain a relationship or keep one happy. I am nowhere near “A Dear Abby” columnist. I don’t have the answers for you on what you should do. Sometimes the stories ring similar to my life and I can project a suggestion. But, please don’t take it to heart. Don’t follow my every word. It’s not fair to me when things start to fall apart and you return to me with a broken heart. I warn everyone that I don’t have the answers!  I am just like you, googling everything all the time.

Let me tell you what I know for sure: I can take care of me. I can fall on my ass a hundred times and get up a hundred and one. That I know for sure. I know what is good for me and what is not. I know how to decipher spirit messages for me and when to shut ego down (once again, for me). I know what works for my children, each one is different. I know how to manifest when I have a visual of what I want. I know how to create a loving home. I know words…and the power they bring with them. I know how to love deeply and how to let go when I need to. I know when to rid myself of toxic-emotional vampires in my life. I am certain I know some other simple things. Oh, and one thing I am certain of is that I laugh at things that others find improper. I love to giggle, poke fun, and create space for silliness even if I am the only laughing in the room.

But, I don’t know how to help you fix your life. I don’t know how to fix my own many times (in one day). I don’t know politics or religion well enough to debate with anyone. I don’t know crap about mathematics or chemistry or history. But, give me a clear night and I can sit on a porch and babble about the universe and what it means to me. I can talk to you excessively about racism, prejudice, brokenness, and the arrogance of humanity. I have answers to some useless questions like, “how and when did sticking your middle finger become a thing of insult?”

I hate to disappoint anyone. This is why I didn’t become a therapist. This is also why I am not a teacher. I don’t want to tell you what needs to be adjusted for your life to work out. I am, just like you, following a make-believe map (sometimes reading it upside down) trying to make sense of life and this journey. I am merely trying to find the path to a life that’s fulfilling and authentic for me.

If you want to laugh…I am here for you. I got you covered! If you want to play, call me, I will make time for that! If you want to know about fairies and mermaids and other elementals…I am your girl (as long as you don’t take me too serious). I am an expert at nothing. I promise you this. And, always believe someone when they tell you what they are…cause they know it. I know me!

I have come to terms with my own dysfunctions, eccentricities, and illogical OCD bullshit. I, often, write just because it’s excess that needs to purge and I share because someone might relate in a humorous way (and other times in a serious manner that can help you hang on just another day). But, I am, by no means, an expert. So please, forgive me if I don’t give you the answer you want to hear. You know yourself better than anyone. You have your own journey to explore and live. I am just making my way home like you.

I love you…

Let’s break it down

time2

Make time to play and find joy in your life. You have 365 days in a year. There are 8,760 hours in that year. You mean to tell me that you cannot take 52 hours (1 hour a week) to do something special for yourself? Let’s say that you sleep 8 hours a night. That’s 2,920 hours you spend in bed. Let’s say you work, or are busy with tremendous responsibilities, for 55 hours a week which would be 2,860 a year. That still leaves you with 2,980 hours left to do things. Keep breaking it down. If you can find the time to surf the web, gossip, complain, and watch television, you surely can find time to chase a sunrise, hike, meditate, or just be in silence. You can surely find time to write, create, and nourish your soul. We give and make time to the things we focus on. You have the ability in one year to transform your life. To say you “have no time” is a neglecting your soul’s yearnings. To give excuses for poor time management is an injustice to your greatness. In essence you are not stealing an hour from any place to pamper yourself. You are recreating and modifying the programming of being too busy. It’s all an illusion. Make time for you. Carve space for your spirit to remember why it’s here on this life. You get to change what you want and who you want to become by changing your attitude. Be inJOY. Be in love. Be who you are meant to be…no more excuses.

Why Not?

why not

I am fearless at times. I am fearful at others. But, the things that are fearful are based on emotions, prejudices, and endless questions. I follow a dream and I don’t give up until I have truly hit several walls. I am tenacious that way…almost exhausting in pursuit of what I want when I want it. I don’t see the “cannot’s” because I am too busy trying to find the answers of “why not.” The fears don’t arrive then. The fears are born from the reactions of others who can’t see my dream. They can’t taste it like I taste it. They can’t sense the sweetness of it. They cannot even believe that it’s attainable. I fear the nonsense of those judgments. I fear the way I have stopped myself in the past because of the voices saying, “Give it up. That’s impossible. You just can’t do that! You are too old. You are this and that!” I am fearless but in the lack of “no’s” there is still a small child waiting on acknowledgment from the older version of myself. I have been known to conquer some incredible things, falling hard, breaking things inside and out, and then dusting off the dirt, pulling out the scabs, and trying it again. All because I know what I know and it’s my perception. It’s sickening to witness my own stubbornness and relentlessness. If I believe in something, I will give it my all. I am fearless at times…in that way of achieving what my soul knows to be real. It’s not for anyone else to live it. It’s for me!

You have dreams. You have a million cannot’s that are birthed in those desires. You have folks confirming that you cannot do those things. I am here to tell you that you can. You can do anything because all it takes is one “why not” to conquer all the bullshit of the naysayers. You can be anything you want because somewhere in that little head of yours there lives a wish fueled by passion. That passion comes from your spirit. You were not put on this existence to pass the time, pay bills, struggle and die. Absolutely NOT! You were created to come into this world to make a difference…if only for the evolution of your soul. Find your fearlessness. Find your truth. You got this and I know you have a dream waiting to be ignited!!!! It only takes a curious “why not” to get it going.

5 Lessons Death Teaches About Living

magic lotus

Death is a taboo. No one wants to discuss it or face it because the fear of it is greater than the reality. I remember reading some article years ago that when asked thousands of people what their biggest fear was they said “death: mine or someone near to me.” We have been taught to fear this type of death. But the fear of death is an illusion because it is only a transition. Now 2-1/2 years later I have woken to deeper lessons of dying that teach me to live fully.

Lesson 1:  The hardest part of dying is waking up.

I traveled to a beautiful place. The light that embraced me felt like nothing here on earth. Makes you wonder why anyone would want to return, huh? I asked that question for many months…still continue to wonder in rough days. We return from that experience just because we must (it doesn’t help that someone is pulling your butt away from the light either). There’s no great mystery to it. There are moments in my days that seem to stop me for a bit and I return to that place of safety, love, and omnipotence. In waking up there is the melting of illusion. Life is a magical experience. Yet, most people take it for granted, bogged down with the control, anxiety, and fear of living the lengths and widths of such a fortitude. Waking up to death, is embracing life.

Lesson 2:  Your body is a great wardrobe.

For months after my near-death experience I had to re-size myself to fit into this skin. I still wake with an abundance of immensity from traveling the cosmos. There are less nights of dreaming, and more nights of visiting other realms. This began immediately after my experience. For a while this was a huge issue when I returned from the “beyond.” I didn’t fit into my body. There was this expansion and greatness that didn’t modify to what I knew was my physical body. I looked around me and saw everyone’s light so much larger than their costume. I kept asking myself, “How do I get inside and stay in there?” I stopped trying. I just went with it. Your body is the best outfit you will ever have. Treat it with kindness and love. Give it the consideration it deserves. Honor this amazing outfit that keeps you here. Your heart beats to keep you alive along with every organ in that outfit.  Love it!

Lesson 3:  Growth is marvelous; stagnation sucks; laughter is the teacher of all.

This doesn’t read like a lesson but I promise it is one of my favorites. I don’t know the problem anymore to anything. I know there are challenges that force me to deviate from my spiritual truth, but I do return quickly to this moment. I see the potential to the story, the event, the issue, and the whatever. I see the drama behind the words when someone is sharing with me the woes and stagnation. And, then I witness that turning those situations around and noticing the ridiculous insanity to them creates laughter. Growth is a conscious effort to move beyond what is not real. We all have the capacity to move past what doesn’t serve us, or causes us hurt. Nothing is easy. If it was then we would not learn from it at all. Let joy be your travel agent through these stories you keep reliving. Let those stories entertain you with endless possibilities.

Lesson 4: Love is the source.

It is the only source of the universe.  It is the only source of your BEing. Love is all. You want love? Look in the mirror. It starts with you. Forgive others. What they think of you is their own issues and a reflection of their own insecurities. Love is the beginning and end of all in you. The more you love and forgive, the easier this journey becomes.

Lesson 5:   Live now.

Don’t wait for the children to leave home, the parents to pass on, the retirement check to start rolling in, and the won’ts and can’ts that make absolutely no sense to the present moment. Live for today! Make a gratitude journal. Walk outside for five minutes. Be alone. Be with people. Laugh at yourself at least one time every hour. Look at the sky and its infinite wonders.  Look at yourself and your greatness. Live every moment with awareness that you are here on borrowed time.  You know that feeling when you go on vacation and everything is just perfectly special? When the moments are full of joy and just being away from your normal life is soothing? Well that’s the greatest privilege for living. Make your life a vacation. Be mindful of your experiences and what they are teaching you. You are on this journey expanding the evolution of your soul. Even in vacations there’s work to be done, but you don’t mind it, right? Play! Pick a childlike moment and return to it. Life is what you make of it.

I would be lying if I said that my life is peachy ALL the TIME. I still ride the emotional roller coaster of struggles and disappointments that then dip into man-made stories of doubt. If everything was enlightening all the time I wouldn’t stop and learn anything. The difference now is that I understand why those lessons appear in my path. I also desire to grasp and incorporate everything to the wholeness of me. I am grateful for visiting with deep emotions: anger, sorrow, joy, forgiveness, compassion and love (to name a few). I believed in magic before dying. Now I live it every day. You go do the same! Don’t wait to be in your last dying breathe to figure out that you have struggled for nothing.  Make today the first day of the rest of your life and enJOY!