You are not Alone

 

alone

There is nothing wrong with admitting
that at times

this is much to bear
and you must fall on your knees

to let it out,

in a sigh or a cry

because being alone is part of our existence.

All the materialism,

collection of people,

obsessions and addictions

cannot replace

or mend

that space you have

opened to Spirit –

the awed-nature awareness

that says, “Hello, look at me,”

when you feel deserted or forsaken.

Allow it. Surrender.

You are not alone.

This journey is existential in nature

and its path is lighted by sacredness.
Sometimes the ache is profound and it comes
deep from Greatness
while you say,
“Let it go. Make it go away.”

Beg, plead and negotiate.
It does no justice to that space,

to the ache from the beyond.
The heart knows nothing of negotiations;
it is driven by a vast and endless force.

Tell me what drives this alienation to such intensity.
Let me hold you and help you in your need.
You don’t need to be alone–
you are not alone.

I may be able to hold your hand,

make you smile,

and when I leave

the emptiness will visit again

until you don’t feel its desperate claws.

You will sit with it and love it

as you reach the beauty in yourself.

I cannot fix this.  You don’t need anyone

to try and mend the process of your rhythm.

This ache and withdrawal goes unnoticed by others
but it is there peeking,

poking, projecting and protruding
until it surfaces again and again.

Don’t question your faith.

Forgive yourself for anything and everything.

Question You and what You need to learn from it.

Then again,
don’t question a thing.
Let it subside on its own.
Be aware of any pain,

control, the illusion of separation

and dive into the wisdom it creates.
Be thankful for it
because it means
that you are alive.

It means you are never alone.

It means….you are filled with creation!

Say Yes

say yes

Say yes to the morning
whether her breath is cold with discomfort.
Wrap yourself in a blanket of hope.

Say yes to the evening
whether darkness keeps
you awake for hours.
Love the silence of the earth.

Say yes to the day
and all it brings with each hour.
Say yes to your body, mind and soul.

Say yes to love, a smile, a gesture and touch
because you are alive and connecting to another.

Say yes to life, including sorrow, joy, loss and pain.
Say yes to the opportunities that are sitting ahead.
Just say yes and don’t look back.

You have a mission.
Say yes to finding what that is and why you are here.
Accept the purpose for this path….it isn’t a mistake!
It all starts with YES….

Transcending Magic

magical morning

Enter now,

in this space of magic

to sing,

laugh and dance

in jubilee

of our spirits

united in this fantastic realm.

Enter,

come,

join me here

in this celestial sacredness.

Never allow your wounds,

scars, and

sorrows

to sway you into

someone you are not.

I love that you visit

and stay a while

to share in this world

mystified by

you and me

living,

breathing,

free to be

what we long ago

decided to become.

It is only when you

don’t search for love

that you

become

capable of loving

unconditionally

without the judgments

of pretentiousness.

This is all there is

in this alchemistic

world created by Spirit.

Looking Forward

MountainRoad

On the way home from a conference in Tennessee my cousin and his wife stopped in these mountains for lunch today. We were talking and sharing about all they learned in this conference,  how the past is tied to our present, and how we would fix the world one person at a time. In our sharing, I was expressing how much life has transcended for me in the past year. It has been a wake up call in every level: physically, spiritually and emotionally.  Something shifted and I have no words to describe it even when I search to express it. The Mysterious has transformed me and I barely recognize me at times.  I have had things push me to the edge, suffered from a deep depression back in February that lasted several months before I was forced to really decide whether to be put on anti-depressants or continue the daily struggles through the unbelievable emotional fractures. I chose the pills right before summer. And, as I became numbed from all that was still there I realized I couldn’t function. I needed the full capacity of my thoughts.

I am a writer. I am a creator and, for me, I just couldn’t continue taking the medicine. After three months I went off them cold-turkey (something I have done for the third time in my life) and I don’t recommend to anyone. After a week of not taking them I hit a wall: the cold sweats, the withdrawals, the desperation clawing at me one night, and then the peace of slowly returning to myself after several weeks. The pills gave me a tremendous relief, but I cannot live in a state of eternal limbo that does not allow for me to be “on” in my spirituality. This is my experience and I think therapy along with medicine is an incredible tool to help folks get to the root of what causes breakdowns, anxiety and any other mental issues and challenges. The break did allow me to reach several roots, pull from the depth of anger, resentment, guilt and shame that had been lurking for some time, and let go.  The transformation was slow and severe but it allowed for me to learn to finally be authentic.  For most of my life I’ve known what I wanted.  I have a goal and I follow it.  It’s that simple. Somewhere along the way I’ve derailed from knowing what I needed. Somewhere along the way I got off the path and entered into the forest of the unknown without a lantern, compass or survival pack.

I recounted and recollected whatever was pushing through. Now sitting with my cousins eating lunch they shared their few days in the conference. I did not share all these thoughts but focused on my writing and how I wanted to truly help those who did not have a voice. The words trailed out of me quickly and then I stopped returning to the moment of what if’s.  I went from the self-confidence of my future dreams into the old programming of the past. 

Tad asked me, “How big is the windshield of your car? Show me?” I stretched out my arms as far as I could and said, “Probably a little larger than this.”

He asked, “Okay, now how big is your rear view mirror?” I made the small gesture with my hands as I was in complete confusion to the questions.

He continued, “The glass is wider looking at the future because that’s where we are headed. The past is smaller…in the distance….” He continued and I had one of those delicious AHA Moments that arrives from such splendid magic. I have not lost anything. I have moved forward leaving the marvelous lessons in the past. Everything has brought me here. It’s been splendid. It’s been mystical. It’s definitely been unpredictable because I don’t do predictable. I do stupendous serendipitous moments and my cousins reminded me how I have always been like this….

Life is full of duality…the yin and yang. There are days, some this past week, where as happy as I am to have married the man who is unlike any other in my life, I feel the winds of the unknown grabbing and squeezing me in regards to my future. And this has nothing to do with relationships. I have been stricken by paralyzing emotions questioning my purpose or lack of it in this present life. I am ready to move on. I am ready to write from my soul full time and be able to travel on the weekends with those I love. And, yet, in the midst of it all the sorrow of letting a dream go of old aspirations also grips me. It’s not easy.

I woke two days ago in a puddle of tears…they came from the dream state and continued on for hours. I gathered myself, my thoughts, my body and went to sit on the dock feeding the fish and you know what? All that freaking water made it worst…I kept on crying adding to the pond. Once I allowed for it…letting go…releasing to the universe, I was better.  It was there at the precise moment that the sun was pushing through the clouds that I felt God strongly bringing me divine light.  

I don’t believe things just happen to us. I don’t believe in coincidences. Struggles mean something. They are the stories inside from the past but it is still a small mirror of reflection. Tiny in comparison to what’s ahead. I get to pick what I want to see and what I want to let go. I get to decide what I learn from and not repeat or what I will allow to determine my journey. I do not want to piggy back the crap from back there. So, I look forward remembering that each breath takes me to an unknown place of faith, grace and love. Change is good. Change is priceless. And…because I am on the edge of it it is also daunting at times. All these blessings are delicious. I am deeply loved and supported. I am ready to continue driving while staring straight out of that large windshield into the future. Every so often when it gets dingy and dirty I will clean that sucker and make it clear to look ahead.  I am moving forward giddy for every new scenery that appears in the distance.

For the love of art

11935035_994550573937134_665013480856535318_n

Last night I had a breakthrough. I did something I’ve been fearful of doing for years. I painted. I went to a painting class with a friend and I created something out of nothing…of course while following instructions. Most folks do not know that I used to paint a million years ago. I was actually quite good. I was going to attend the Art Institute in Paris in my late teens. And….then tragedy happened. I allowed life to dictate my worth. Funny how we give others that power. I stopped painting all together for years. I gave my power away along with every paint, canvas and art supply!

In 2001 I had a head injury and I lost my mind. I lost memories. I lost fear. I had amnesia and didn’t recognize my 6 children. I was 33 years old and I returned to being 19. I left the hospital searching for my paints and canvasses. That accident opened up my creativity for a short while. Then, again, I allowed with great effort and lack of responsibility others to dictate my worth. I stopped painting. I went to several therapists trying to get back the juices. I would stand in front of a white canvas and shake….violently crying in a massive overwhelming phobia as if it was a giant spider coming at me. I cannot verbally express the anxiety that the thought of painting kept bringing me. I stopped because the thought of painting literally made me sick.

Last night, with a birthday friend in tow, we went to a restaurant to paint. It was one of those Wine and Art sessions. I didn’t shake. I didn’t hesitate. I didn’t judge myself. It was kid’s play. It was a fun elementary-school painting that I did not take as serious. There were several moments, while painting grass, that my old strokes appeared. I began to feel like Van Gogh again…for a few minutes. Then the internal critique began, “Oh my, the jar is lopsided. Oh, my God, this is crap….” But something mystical happened….

As the adorable young teacher was taking a break a young intoxicated man stopped to talk to her and tried desperately to get her attention. He was slurring his words, being silly, and she tried in a kindhearted and gentle way to move the conversation along so he would leave. I sat there watching this and laughing. EGO had just entered the space. There it was intoxicated, making a huge fool of itself. I saw it clearly. EGO was trying to seduce her just as much as it had been falsely seducing me with my art. I got it. I didn’t see a man. I saw years of self-sabotage waiting to be acknowledged. I stared at it and laughed out loud. My friend and I just giggled like two school girls at the scene developing in front of us.

I returned to my painting. Ego had been critiquing me. It had been denying me from moving forward. So what if it was a silly painting of fireflies coming out of a jar. It didn’t have to be perfect. At that moment I heard my eldest son’s echo, “Mom, it doesn’t matter what you paint…just do it. Create something and little by little you will get your mojo back.”

I have had many who have tried to encourage me to move past this issue. My partner, friends, children and even the little itsy bitsy voice in my heart…but to no avail. Last night watching the young man stand there making a fool of himself while saying something about the paintings I got it. Ego had no business being in my creative time. I love my lopsided Van Goshish painting of stars and fireflies swirling in the night sky. I loved my hands covered with paint. I loved how I felt breathing the mountain fall air as we waited for the next instruction. And what I love most is that I conquered one of the biggest fears I have had for decades. I allowed others to dictate how I should feel about my art. It paralyzed me. It killed part of who I am.

How many of you have allowed another to dictate your worth? How many of you have been paralyzed into deadly anxiety from living out your dreams? How many times can this go on without you shutting the drunken ego off? Sit that bastard at a table and give it some water. Let Ego cool off and move on. YOU get to decide what and who you allow to dictate your creativity, your worth, your love and all that you are meant to do in this world. You got this! I can’t wait for the next class. I might just be inspired to channel Monet!

Losing and Missing

Not everything
that’s missing
Is lost.

Things fall and break,
Shift and take,
bounce and stay

Like memories,
Love,
And life.

Not everything that’s lost
Gets missed

Like bad memories,
Resentments,
Remorse,
Nostalgia
And heartache.

But losing and missing
The ability to let go,
To profoundly love,
To experience no regrets —
That’s avoiding
To live fully in the NOW.

20120419-150529.jpg

Reminders

reminder

Sometimes we need reminders of what is of importance in our lives. “Sometimes” can turn into every day notices. Every morning when I hear Kali Rose moving in her crib I go into her room, open up the curtains and begin, “Where’s that Kali Bug? I don’t see her.” She hides under all her bedding, pillows, and such. She starts to giggle…moving quickly to hide even deeper.  I continue, “That girl disappears, where is my little bug?” Finally she jumps up and immediately says (elongating every syllable), “Hiiiiii! Maaaa-ma, maaaaa-ma…hiiiiiiii!” I am once again reminded of what is precious and important. I pick her up and we hug tightly as if it was the first time we have seen each other after a forever absence.  I am truly embracing every day of her 18 months.  She is teaching me to be a kinder, softer, younger woman.
We forget throughout moments of struggle or challenges in our days. We forget how simple love is. We forget the core of our existence. We forget to breathe in light and exhale love. We forget to thank our friends, mates, parents, family and children for their moments of reflecting love. We do! But, I am a student of this emotion. I crave to find love under a rock. I instinctively look for it in signs with heart shapes.  I search for it in a homeless person’s facial lines, the touch of a cashier when she gives me change, the tap from my mate as he walks pass me, the text from my children just saying hello, the wind assuring me that a loved one is watching from the other side…a million reasons to find love. And, most importantly I find love smiling widely within me…waiting to be acknowledged by my essence.  I find love illuminating my days through the prayers I send out and are returned with kindness.
It’s not hard to find. It’s always there…look in the mirror. See that soul staring back…that’s love to its fullest divinity. You are created from love, to love, share love, and be love. Have a wonderful Sunday! I love you. I love you. I love you. I don’t say it lightly…I say it fully with the most magical of intentions. May you see the love that you are…share it. You are precious!!!!!