Faith is not found when everything is going smoothly. Faith is witnessed when the world collides with chaos and struggles. That’s when we search for her. Often times we are angry because we feel she’s abandoned our space.
Let me share what faith looks like to me. She’s in the nights when you are crying yourself asleep because a loved one is dying near you, or when your wife has decided to walk out of your relationship, or when your child has ended up in jail. She’s in the aches and brokenness of your fears and the disappointments of your expectations. She’s in the desperation and uncertainties of life.
Faith is sitting quietly waiting on you to grab her and shake every cell inside of you to trust and let go of the situation. She is there to take over if you just let go of the control. She’s the light that gives way into darkness.
When your world comes apart and you cannot find reasons to logically make sense of anything… that is when Faith is seen and felt. That’s when she whispers through your personal beliefs, “I’m here. I have something better. I will work on this. Trust!”
Your job is to allow her to step in. But, without controlling the outcome. Without micromanaging every step of the way.
I have met many religious folks who have zero faith. They go to church every week but when their world gets rattled by hard obstacles their faith is completely absent. They live in fear and lack belief.
And then I’ve met some folks who say they don’t believe in anything. When things happen they have found something stronger than themselves to carry them through it. They say they believe in themselves. That’s also Faith.
So what is faith? It’s not religious. It’s a deep spiritual knowing that you are here to learn and evolve. It’s the opportunity to shift awareness and morph into something powerful.
We have all experienced horrific acts in our lives. We have undergone atrocities. We have overcome major obstacles. Some of you are experiencing these things right now.
What keeps you going? What’s the thing or substance that allows you to get up and keep moving through it all? I bet you have some amazing stories to share. And I also bet that Faith has a lot to do with how you overcame those challenges.
I love you! More than you can imagine, just cause you are here sharing space with me this way. I have faith in YOU!
I’ve been traveling to see a dear friend. As always, being on a plane opens me up to the ethers. I am suspended in the heavens and feel such divine connection to Gaia because I can see her from a different perspective.
On the first leg of my trip a woman sat next to me. Her energy felt so fractured. She was out of it and clearly on something. As we were taking off from Asheville she got rattled and squeezed my leg instead of the chair.
She had never flown (and she’s close to my age). It was raining and windy. I removed her hand from my leg and held it in mine. I whispered, “You are safe. I’m here with you.”
Her eyes watered. I continued to hold her hand as if she was my child for several minutes until we were up and the turbulence subsided.
She stared out the window and we didn’t speak. I closed my eyes and felt her life. I saw images. I saw the addiction, the abuse, and so much more.
It’s tricky to be in a capsule at times for me. Usually I listen to music as I fly. It closes the gap of what is and what isn’t for me. I don’t need to be feeling everyone’s life up there.
As we were landing I asked where she was headed to and she said Boston. She was starting new. It was in the silence of those moments that I could hear her even louder.
I kissed her and held her tightly as we got off. I had very little time to connect to my next flight. I gave her my card and asked her to please reach out and let me know how she was doing to which she cried.
She shook. The trip, the endless possibilities and her fear were all wrapped up with the stress of the unknown.
Here is the thing: love is a choice. It is a choice that most people don’t see as privileged true nature of our soul’s evolution.
I wanted to tell her that “the one who broke you cannot heal you.” It wasn’t my place during such a major life transformation to share this.
Love is a choice Forgiveness is a choice Letting go is a choice
And through those choices you begin to heal. You begin to regain your worth, your strength and your life.
We’ve all been there. We’ve all been shattered, fractured and put back together. We rise alone… and we rise with one another.
We are never far from shifting our lives, our perspectives, and our hearts.
Life will provide the perfect encounters to help you see your own wounding and traumas. It will help reflect your own stuff.
I am grateful for these moments that put me in a place of loving expansion. She was the perfect person to show me where I’ve been and where I am going.
Grief is inexplicable. It hits at its own timing. And, to be honest, it never goes away. We learn to navigate it. We learn to miss without the intense pain. We learn to live in a different manner.
When I was 23 years old I met a young man my age. We worked in the industrial power transmission field. The first day he came for an interview, right out of college, we shook hands and the electricity that passed through our hands was like nothing else I’ve ever experienced, or have felt since.
Before I could even figure out what was happening we had a tremendous love affair. I was in and out of a relationship with someone much older who was married. This young man and I connected in a way that was out of this world.
At 25 years old, after a long break up because of my other relationship, he asked me to marry him one night. I said yes. That was March 11, 1993. He was dating someone else, and I was still in that relationship. We both broke it off that weekend. On the way back from breaking up with his girlfriend he hit a wall on I95 on March 14th. They found him with a small English/Spanish book in his hands.
This loss shut me down. It took my light with it. It would take years to understand. But, something happened shortly after his death. He began to show up in dreams. I wasn’t as spiritually aware as I am now, but I would feel him all the time.
Whenever I am struggling I find a dime and a penny. $.11 was something we would find together. Those close to me marvel at the fact that this happens often. There will be a dime and then a few inches later, a penny. He has been around for almost 30 years and has guided me in ways I cannot explain.
But grief, that old friend that reminds us of love, can sometimes get the best of us. This morning I opened up my kitchen cabinet to get my coffee mug and in a cup I rarely use was a dime and a penny. I don’t even ask anymore how this happens. Maybe the kids did it long ago. I don’t know. I know I was supposed to find it at 4:44 this morning. That’s how guidance works.
We are always held by deceased loved ones. ALWAYS. I often forget to call out to ancestors. Rarely do I forget to call out for him. He has been my steady companion for decades. And, I know we will one day be reunited.
Your grief is not meant to be suppressed. It isn’t meant to be bulldozed. It’s a reminder that you loved. That you were loved. That you lived. That you had someone who loved you. It doesn’t matter if it’s a parent, a child, a lover, a fur baby, or whatever. Sometimes we mourn places and things.
You are loved. You are here. And, I promise you that you will always come out with grace on the other side.
That’s the word of this week since my book came out. I have been sent photos of friends holding my book, Erasable. I have had endless text messages about how the book made them feel. I have had an outpour of love beyond what I can ever wrap my head and heart around.
I don’t know much about how it is received by strangers. But, I do know one thing for certain: it’s a book about overcoming tremendous challenges. It’s a story similar to yours. It’s you in many ways. Take whatever resonates.
We read books, watch movies, and listen to others tell stories because we want to feel seen, understood, and accepted. Mine is no different.
I have been asked about the foreword. My dear friend, Rebecca Saltman, was kind enough to write it. She introduced me to the publishers when I contributed a chapter in her and Jade Redher’s anthology, U Empath You, back at the beginning of the year.
When I was in a moment of getting ready to pull the entire project and close shop, my publisher suggested I let Rebecca read the book. Only three other people had read this book before (many years ago): Angelica Pizano, Michael Thomas, and a professor in Durham, North Carolina, who mutilated the first draft (so much so that I hid the manuscript for almost 3 years in a desk drawer). But, he did me a favor because it was the exact healing I needed from this memoir. I had not come to terms with loss, rape, grief, heartache, and all the delicious joy that has come from this incredible life. I am blessed to have this life, the children who call me Mom, and the folks who raise me up to believe in myself… daily!
The professor was kind enough to show me that I still had to shift the voice. My first draft was written in stream of consciousness because I wrote it right after I lost my memory… and it was the only voice I had available. It read as if you were in my head and many times it was lost in translation.
So, Rebecca sat and read the pdf, pulling me from the doubts and insecurities. She had a stern talk with me, basically letting me know to put on my big girl panties on and move through the publishing process. I cannot imagine having anyone do the foreword as she knows the process of writing and publishing. Her foreword is a love letter of sorts as she retells the story of how her deceased father, Jack, came to me on one of our first conversations back in the summer of 2021.
I am beyond grateful for the love and support, not just from those who know me, but many who are reading this story. I have had friends from years ago reach out asking why I hadn’t shared the tidbits of my life. Why I never told them of my accidents?
I live forward. I don’t live back there. The story isn’t about survival. The story is about thriving even in the midst of turmoil. It’s about you. You taking every step with faith and a certainty that no matter what happens in your life you have the will and choice to make it through. You are invincible… not invisible. You matter. You aren’t erasable even when you feel unseen. And, if you aren’t feeling it then please look around and see what needs shifting in your life.
Thank you for the messages, emails, texts and phone calls. I had so many reservations about my story for two decades. I also knew that in order to be really honest I needed to put away any expectations of how it would be received. In the end, Erasable has healed the inner wounds that had me imprisoned for so long. It has lightened my heart with massive release and forgiveness. I feel free for once in this lifetime. I am stepping into a divine journey of self-love and acceptance.
I woke this morning to this message from my publisher.
“Millie, you did it! At 1:00 a.m. January 14th, your book became a #1 Bestseller.
Congratulations! Your book is touching lives and inspiring resilience in all who read it. Thank you for trusting us with your story. We’re honored to be your publisher. ”
WE (you all included) made this happened. Thank you. I’m deeply moved. I am speechless. It’s a lovely honor and I pray the book touches you and resonates with you. Labels and categories are great but, to me, what matters is that you recognize your inner strength to overcome challenges in your life. That you don’t give up when things get hard. And, that you recognize your love and light in this world.
About a year and a half ago I had lunch with a wonderful author in Asheville. He was staying in the area for a month and luckily we were able to meet. I have loved and admired him for a very long time on social media. Sitting across from him I told him that his book shifted my perspective immensely.
He asked, “How so?”
I shared that the underwear chapter was a big AHA moment. To which he laughed. (I am sure he thought I was nuts but he appreciated my candor).
In this chapter he wrote that as he was sitting that day to write, his underwear bothered him. He realized he had allowed so many things in his life to bother him. Underwear shouldn’t be one of them. (I am paraphrasing). So he wrote that he stopped the process of writing, went and took off his underwear and threw them out.
I read that chapter and closed the book. I felt like someone had given me permission to release things that didn’t feel good on my body. I got up and went through my drawers. I threw away a lot of underwear and bras. Then I tackled my closet. Anything that didn’t feel good was going out. I must’ve spent a week going through all my things asking myself if it felt good. A bunch of jewelry, towels, sheets, you name it. I had already begun the process of releasing toxicity out of my life. This was just another level.
A few days later I was in the kitchen getting my mug for coffee when I realized I had too many I didn’t like. I have a thing about coffee mugs. I like them big and wide and able to not be super hot when I put them in the microwave. I hadn’t realized how many I owned that didn’t fit that category. I began to see the way I allowed so many things around me to dictate how I felt. Everything is an extension of us.
So, here I was sitting in front of this delicious soul (while he giggled) sharing about the underwear chapter.
He said, “Life is too short to be wearing underwear that crawls up your ass!”
The reality is that life is too short to be putting up with things, experiences, people, and places that make us uncomfortable. Anything that displeases us needs a resolution. And, unfortunately sometimes you need permission to see that it is okay to purge. I know I did! I got it from a book and a man I had no idea I would be meeting in person some day.
It’s a new chapter, beginning and year. What is holding you hostage with discomfort? Get rid of it. If it is crawling up your ass (figuratively or literally) let it go. We ain’t got time for that!
I don’t want to wish you a Happy New Year. It’s just a day. I want to wish you a happy new beginning. Make the next few days a priority in your life to write down those things you really want. Carry over the ones from 2022 that weren’t available. It’s not about making resolutions that are impossible to fulfill. I urge you to make realistic goals that once you clarify on paper, you can truly work towards them.
Cheers to all those things you work hard to attain. Kudos for reinventing yourself, especially the last few years. I am here praising you on for all you have done. We have all been in major time-outs waiting to birth a newness in the collective consciousness. 2023 is a year of stepping into your dreams. It’s a time to gather up the courage to do the things you have been afraid to tackle.
I have chosen two special words for my year: ease and flow. The last two years have been about change and growing and lots of forgiveness. 2022 was a year of pure release and awareness. Oh my gosh! Did I ever release! It wasn’t just the ending of a marriage, or shifting careers, or now being a part-time single parent again since we share the children 50/50. There has been a huge overhaul in my identity. I can’t recognize the woman I was two years ago, or even a year ago.
I recognized my participation in all the challenges, struggles and drama. I took responsibility for allowing people to force me to grow because of betrayal, and other matters. It’s not always easy to take accountability for the shit storm. I have! I know where I failed, especially in stopping the issues before they appeared. I feel the last two years have been amazing teachers and gave me tremendous opportunities to grow and heal. Taking the leap to work for myself as a writer and a healer was massive. It’s not always been pleasant, but so worth it. I am not one who needs constant security, but there were times that I wanted to disappear from all the struggles. (NOTE that my words for this year are ease and flow because I am done with anything that is NOT!)
I am in a constant state of love. Loving myself. Loving others. Loving all parts of anything that are hard and a bit impossible at times. Loving the journey of forgiveness. All of this has allowed me to finish my memoir book, Erasable, that is coming out 1/11/23.
Last night I had a dream that I was pregnant. I dream a lot about pregnancies or having more children (which stresses me a bit since I already have 8 and I am too old to have babies). Then I realize that we have been undergoing an intense pregnancy of sorts for a while. Now it’s time to give birth to all that you desire, the things you are passionate about, the joy that you have put away for some time. It is the most incredible time in history because of all that is moving astrologically. And the world, the collective, has truly experience a window to see what is possible. There will be many who are going to awake this year to what is important, and truth.
It’s time, my love! It’s time to stop stopping the unstoppable. The fire is rising in you and even if you can’t figure out what the yearning is asking of you… it’s there ready for a new exciting initiation. Isn’t that exciting? Isn’t that magnificent? If you are feeling anxious or full of unknown anticipation, please ride the wave. It’s all the energies. I promise it will be your year!
Happy new beginnings. Happy laboring. Happy new chapter. Call it whatever you want, but get out of your comfort zone and create the life you truly aspire to have. You get to choose it all! I believe in you.
I love you!
**I am still keeping the intuitive reading session rate ($77 for a half hour) another month since I’ve had many inquiries. You can reach me at email@example.com or text me 828-707-8897.