First Time

This was the first time the sun embraced me. It was the first time the wind caressed my face. I sat this morning on a bench staring at a cloudless infinite blue sky overlooking the frozen pond. I’ve never witnessed such beauty before in my life. The back drop of mountains seemed fake, a screen saver of sorts.  A few nights ago Matt kissed me and it was the first time I felt such delight. “He is beautiful,” I thought to myself. He touched my hand in the emergency room five days ago and whispered as I was coming back into my body, “Hey, I love you!” I smiled. I never really heard those words before.

I never noticed souls so clearly before. My own spirit was still trying to fit in a body that was foreign to me. I was a newborn baby trying to squeeze into this outfit called “a body.”

The details of what happened to me last Wednesday aren’t important.  There are millions of stories from people who return from the journey to the unknown.  I can’t speak for them.  I can only tell my reality of what it is to be touched by spirit while not being present in a body.  How many second chances does one get?  How many lives do we have?  What’s the Statute of Limitation on these events? My body is depleted but healing slowly now at home.  I have been releasing things I didn’t know I had stored in some cellular compartment.  This is good.  This is a wonderful path to some new place I had never experienced before.

As I woke, consciously back into this awareness, I felt the pain of needles, wires attaching everywhere on my body, and the hands of my love holding me on the side of the bed welcoming me back to be here. I will never know what others felt or experienced in those moments. I am loved so deeply.

I am slower not because I choose to be, but because it feels right.  I am aware of every piece of fabric on my skin, water going down my throat, the touch of hair on my face, the way my tongue lies in my mouth, fingers touching my own hands, hot water against my back, each breath I inhale and exhale looking at my animals, the look on my daughter’s face as she speaks to me, the look on a friend’s face as she touched me, my sons’ tone and words on the phone, the way Matt’s hands touch my neck….  A thousand impulses run through me while remaining in this precious moment.  I am overwhelmed at times with the sensory overload.  I have no choice but to stay in the present.  Life is new.  Each moment becomes the “first time” of life.

I have played tic-tac-toe many times before.  This time I played with destiny and the world beyond this realm.  I won and was able to return.  Why have I rushed through everything?  Why have I suppressed so much all of my life?  I’ve been hypocritical when I have thought I was letting go and telling others to move on.  There is a difference between “not dwelling” on the past and actually “accepting things and moving forward.”

My neurologist was angelic.  She said to me the next morning, “You don’t know what you don’t know until you do.”  We are responsible for our feelings and how we perceive our lives.  If we don’t know something is killing us slowly we just can’t see it.  But, once we do know then we are responsible for facing those things.  Stress will kill us.  No one is immune to it.  There is no social class, ethnicity, gender, age, or anything that discriminates stress.  Even though I am healthy as an ox something forced me to die.  I will never understand how and why.  It’s not for me to figure this out. Today is new.  Every second counts.  I am willing to remain present because I have been gifted more minutes, seconds, days, and so on.  Don’t take moments for granted.  Don’t dismiss your life for one second.  Everything that happens is a gift.  The good and the bad are blessings.  Allow yourself the courage and peace to release those things to the Divine.  Mucho love to all.