Tag: surrender

Shaken Up

On By Moments with MillieIn Essay4 Comments

We are being shaken up to wake in truth. The shift is happening in a large scale. We are women, mothers, sisters, daughters and friends. We are the divine feminine rising in masses. Stay in love and do not allow fear to consume you. This is happening on a massive collective soul level. Together we can heal and help the world heal. When one voice is heard it echoes across the world. So imagine what millions of beautiful voices speaking their truth can do to release old wounds? Regardless of these outcomes we can continue to show the world that truth prevails. And more than anything the light we continue to carry towards one another transcends this moment. We are making history every single second. This is one of the most powerful times ever. And we are witnessing our strength in numbers. I am healing my own traumas and deep treacherous memories. So thank you. Thank you to all the women (and men) for opening up and sharing their own stories of horrific assaults and events. I stand in awed of the magic we are creating. I love you.

Whimsical Surrender

On By Moments with MillieIn Poetry8 Comments

Touch me

here

inside my chest

and grab a tight hold

of my all.

Cut through

the façade of illusions

that this can erupt

our hearts

into pieces

if we were to dive

without a parachute.

 

Love is indestructible,

infrangible,

shatterproof.

 

It will always expand

each particle

of our being

waiting to be endorsed

as a mutual contract

for two spirits

to finally surrender

into a mystical union.

 

Take me.

Make me.

Wake me.

You will never break me.

I am complete

because you have entered

into my life

for a moment,

a lifetime,

in a small memory

of something that is intangible,

but so pleasantly sweet…

beyond my imagination.

The Me Without You

On By Moments with MillieIn Poetry7 Comments

lovers departing

There was you

before everything…

trapped in a drawer of memories

that has been moved ferociously

from one spot to another

trying to find a light that

can shine common sense

on it.

 

Then,

there wasn’t you anymore.

And life has moved on

without a single wink,

blink or sense of human loss.

 

The sun still came out.

The moon still hung around.

The seas never parted.

The earth never fell apart.

 

No one noticed how this

profound lack of love

has affected the world.

 

Life has gone on without a trace

of us.

There was you

when there was

a YOU.

 

There was me before I knew loss

when the tingling of truth,

passion and desire

touched

the core of my existence.

 

I have begged consciousness

to remind me where I placed those contents

I removed from that drawer long ago.

Now there are fragments

of us

scattered in limbo

in between here and there

lingering for a connection.

 

Will we ever get it right,

this simple thing

that reminds us of what’s missing?

Will we ever do it right

rhythmically, at the same time,

without the detours that have

erased the path to each other?

 

You were home.

You are the embodiment

that housed my essence.

Life has proceeded.

The me without you is still here.

Waiting…

Sighing…

Breathing…

Tic…Toc…

 

For a miracle

that would return my soul

to the me without you

so I can once again…

exhale without a small reminder

of YOU

and the us

before I ever vanished.

 

I NEED A FAVOR, PLEASE!

On By Moments with MillieIn Essay9 Comments

please-help

Every so often I get a request to fund someone for something: following a dream, going on a trip, buying something that will change their lives, and so on. I wish I had the financial means to help every single person who sends me these messages. I think about all the times that I have been down to my last penny and someone reached out, unknowingly, to help me. There are angels among us at all times.

I have a hard time asking for help. So, let me just state this right now before you keep reading….

Yesterday I was in my favorite yoga class. I was entering that space of Nirvana, breathing in and letting go. This is the space where I easily leave my body and my mind goes completely blank. I was on my back, on the mat, when I felt something coming up and buzzing from inside my sweater. I gasped, sat up and started that dance we all do that jitters us into looking like we are fighting someone, slapping the air. A stink bug fell on the floor while my heart had come up to my throat. My dear, compassionate, humanitarian friend next to me picked up the bug, got up and left the yoga studio to set it free. (She’s magnificent cause that bug had just a few more seconds of life left in it). It took me a few minutes to return to my center. I recognized the disconnection, the foreign feelings of fear, and the paralyzed voice that comes with it. I worked through the panic mode…after all it was just a bug.

Please stay with me and continue reading….

Here is the thing, I tend to leave my body quite often. I consciously travel away from it in moments of deep relaxation and meditation. I also travel a lot in dream state. So, that moment the bug started to flip its wings coming out of my sports bra shattered the world of my dimensional travel and brought me into a state of unknown. It was too quick and the discomfort lasted for some time. I was thrown into panic mode because I wasn’t in that studio at that moment. My ego was also completely asleep and its job is to always keep a watch for danger!

A few moments later the teacher asked us a simple question as we were doing a pose. “If you were asked to make a list of the things you love, would you add yourself to that list?”

Suddenly I missed the bug. I felt bad for slapping it out of me. I felt bad for not loving it the way my friend loved it. I continued with my poses and recognized that it did take me a long while to add myself to the list of things I love. Oh my goodness…like a lot! But I redid the list, carefully going through it on my own later on in the practice and I kept adding myself after every single thing I listed that I loved. The rest of the hour was dedicated to loving me.

And, so here is my favor: Would you be so kind to fund yourself with love? Would you be willing to make a list and add yourself to the top of everything you want? I need you to do this for your soul. I need you to start a Go-To Fund for loving your beauty and exquisiteness without putting all the things that you dislike about yourself.

I need you to do that for me. I need you to donate your love for YOURSELF right now!

I believe we love to help others before we recognize and acknowledge ourselves. Most of us give openly and love how others feel when they receive. It’s always easier to extend an arm out than to bring it to our own hearts. Right?

Every part of your being needs love. That little stinker bug reminded me of a time that I felt like a stinker bug. I didn’t care much for me. I felt yucky and nasty and completely unlovable. I felt unworthy and kept carrying past voices and delusions that others tied to my esteem. If I was slapped one more time I am sure I would have stunk up the room like the stinker bug.

But, today, I have started by own Go-To Fund for Self-Love! It’s simple: start your list and keep adding to it the things you love about you, the things you want in your life, and the people you love. Eventually that list will allow the Universe to align with your desires and it will no longer be a list, because it will just become YOU.

Have a blessed day, sweethearts. Be kind and generous with you. Do the things that your heart and soul crave to do. Stop asking for permission from others. Stop waiting for others to fund your worth. You got this!

Sloppy Spirituality

On By Moments with MillieIn Essay7 Comments

spirituality

For whatever reason we place everything before our faith and spiritual practice: career, children, spouses, house work, drama, and all the busyness that comes with our humanness. Spirituality seems to come as a last alternative, full of shameful guilt for not doing more, we touch it with half of our soul’s yearning.  Meditation and prayer come in moments of desperation. It becomes an assignment of negotiation with God.  The truth is we are spiritual beings having a human experience.

Spirituality is not perfect. It isn’t stuck in a box of rituals for each person to follow. Spirituality is sloppy and chaotic at times. Our spirits desire the awakening experience. The Divine is in us waiting to be touched and held. My mornings require ritual: lighting candles, incense, saying my prayers to enter the world, and sitting in silence with a cup of coffee or tea. I need these moments of deep awareness as I open my curtains and allow the outside to join my space. I need to show my spirit gratitude for another breath. This is not a perfect ritual of contemplation but it is mine to uncover and welcome Divinity into my day. It is mine to join with the joy and acceptance of every single day.

Spiritualism accepts the imperfections, the messy lives, the brokenness, the unsaid truths, and everything under the spectrum that we think is not acceptable in organized religion. Why do we hide behind the façade of impeccable accomplishments? It seems that faith is based on what we can see and control rather than the acceptance of the unknown. We practice spiritual perception with fear of what we don’t know and can happen. What would happen if we allow synchronicity to dictate our days?  If we moved with serendipity rather than against it?  If we no longer feared the future? What would happen to us then if we allowed something greater than ourselves to move through us as the Commander in Chief of our lives?

At the end of your life you will not regret the lack of another degree, not having bought the little red sports car, not getting that expensive house, not having enough money in the bank. You will regret not having spent more time in nature, holding a friend’s hand in need, missing your child’s recital, not taking walks with your beloved, not speaking your truth, and so many other things that might seem irrelevant at this moment. You might feel ashamed for the time not spent with Divinity, kisses from your children, hugs from your parents, and sweet words from a lover. You will wonder why you didn’t sit and relaxed more, breathed the earth deeper, and allowed each moment to count just as it is meant to touch you. The things most important in life have nothing to do with money, winning, status or work. They have to do with love, sharing and other moments invaluable to your spirit. The first and only person you need to answer to is yourself.  The second is your faith. Give each moment the degree of importance it needs to be cherished and enjoyed. Be present in your conversations, visits, and life.  Don’t waste time worrying about the things that stress you, or the to-do list. Don’t be overwhelmed with anxiety for what could not happen and participate in the moment you have available right now. This is part of sloppy spirituality:  the deep awareness of each breath, touch, and leaving everything behind. It is about reprogramming your senses, needs, and releasing the control of what we have been conditioned to be religious beliefs.

I rather live a messy spiritual life than one of conformed social expectations while living inside of a make believe fantasy that never witnesses the miracle of God. I rather behold the eyes of someone speaking with me and truly seeing their soul unfold. That’s the most beautiful form of spiritual wisdom. I can’t think of anything more whole to experience the oneness of our existence.

Live Your Truth

On By Moments with MillieIn Essay3 Comments

truth

Truth can be ugly. It can be shameful and full of guilt. It lies and cheats and threatens to take away our lives. But, it is also freeing. It’s the catalyst to who we are and what we can become.

Truth is the rawest form of you.

If you allow for it to surface and give it love, truth can send you off on a magical adventure. While you avoid it you are living in a hellish world that makes you sick, paranoid and delusional.

So, surrender to it and set it free from the prison of your mind.

The hardest thing for us to do is follow our desires. We are afraid of following our dreams if it means not living up to the expectations of our family and friends. We avoid making time for what we want because responsibilities come first. They don’t. That’s an illusion.

What comes first is you and your authentic acceptance of what makes you happy. That’s truth. That’s your truth. Your truth is only a perception in your life. No one will be able to understand where you come from with truth, or what you are trying to accomplish because they are living in their own realm of perception too. But it is YOUR truth. And that’s what matters!

I recently sat with a loved one and indulged in letting go of so many secrets and fears. It was freeing, embarrassing, shameful and…yet…like an emotional diet I lost a ton of weight from carrying it all inside. The truth does set you free.

I wasn’t aware that I was living in fear of rejection and other imperfect emotions that make me the neurotic woman that I am when I hold it all inside. But, in the neurosis, I recognized that Truth needed to vent. It needed a voice. It wasn’t going to be pretty or comfortable. Nope! It was going to come out like a massive volcano eruption and I feared for whoever would be the person to provoke it. Thank goodness, it was someone who has the ability to understand me and allow for me to be exactly who I am. Cause I am not pretty when I am full of volcanic ash all over me. I am not easy to calm down either.

But that’s okay. I can get to a happy place pretty quickly once the truth comes out. Nothing like giving birth to those things that keep us up at night, churning into something larger than what it really is. The mind amplifies everything we feed!

You do not have to uncover every detail of your past. You also don’t have to go back there and reside forever in your mistakes. You are who you are because of everything that has happened to you. You are the sums of every experience…the good and the bad. Each challenge, loss, and lesson molds you to become the highest possible spiritual being on this land. The evolution of your soul goes through these growth spurts because you need to grow.

Speak your truth, even if it leaves you shaking. You don’t have to share all the details of your life with anyone. When I say, speak your truth, I mean become YOUR truth. Become who you are here to be. You need to stop worrying about what others think or say. You need to put the crap to rest. At the end of your life you won’t even remember that. You will, however, remember that you didn’t live up to all the things your heart and soul desired. Follow that!

Be the authentic YOU that was genetically implemented here. If you can’t find your purpose, then keep asking every night before going to bed. Let your consciousness show you through messages via dreams or a giant billboard on your way to work. You will eventually wake to remember what you are here to do. I promise!

**Note to self: We don’t need another Mother Teresa or Nelson Mandela. We need you. Don’t try to fix the world. Fix you, and let the world live by your examples!

Come to Me

On By Moments with MillieIn Poetry9 Comments

I whisper to the open

beyond what eyes can see,

“Come to me,”

and a plea of surrender overwhelms

with chills,

softness,

and light

allowing that which needs support

to come through

taking into another world

the lack of control.

 

“Come to me,”

I say knowing what I know

because I understand the truth

that we are here to learn

right from wrong

in a field of hope, compassion, and faith.

 

I hear the answer whispered from Spirit,

“I am in you,

I am you,

love is all there is.”

Looking Forward

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MountainRoad

On the way home from a conference in Tennessee my cousin and his wife stopped in these mountains for lunch today. We were talking and sharing about all they learned in this conference,  how the past is tied to our present, and how we would fix the world one person at a time. In our sharing, I was expressing how much life has transcended for me in the past year. It has been a wake up call in every level: physically, spiritually and emotionally.  Something shifted and I have no words to describe it even when I search to express it. The Mysterious has transformed me and I barely recognize me at times.  I have had things push me to the edge, suffered from a deep depression back in February that lasted several months before I was forced to really decide whether to be put on anti-depressants or continue the daily struggles through the unbelievable emotional fractures. I chose the pills right before summer. And, as I became numbed from all that was still there I realized I couldn’t function. I needed the full capacity of my thoughts.

I am a writer. I am a creator and, for me, I just couldn’t continue taking the medicine. After three months I went off them cold-turkey (something I have done for the third time in my life) and I don’t recommend to anyone. After a week of not taking them I hit a wall: the cold sweats, the withdrawals, the desperation clawing at me one night, and then the peace of slowly returning to myself after several weeks. The pills gave me a tremendous relief, but I cannot live in a state of eternal limbo that does not allow for me to be “on” in my spirituality. This is my experience and I think therapy along with medicine is an incredible tool to help folks get to the root of what causes breakdowns, anxiety and any other mental issues and challenges. The break did allow me to reach several roots, pull from the depth of anger, resentment, guilt and shame that had been lurking for some time, and let go.  The transformation was slow and severe but it allowed for me to learn to finally be authentic.  For most of my life I’ve known what I wanted.  I have a goal and I follow it.  It’s that simple. Somewhere along the way I’ve derailed from knowing what I needed. Somewhere along the way I got off the path and entered into the forest of the unknown without a lantern, compass or survival pack.

I recounted and recollected whatever was pushing through. Now sitting with my cousins eating lunch they shared their few days in the conference. I did not share all these thoughts but focused on my writing and how I wanted to truly help those who did not have a voice. The words trailed out of me quickly and then I stopped returning to the moment of what if’s.  I went from the self-confidence of my future dreams into the old programming of the past. 

Tad asked me, “How big is the windshield of your car? Show me?” I stretched out my arms as far as I could and said, “Probably a little larger than this.”

He asked, “Okay, now how big is your rear view mirror?” I made the small gesture with my hands as I was in complete confusion to the questions.

He continued, “The glass is wider looking at the future because that’s where we are headed. The past is smaller…in the distance….” He continued and I had one of those delicious AHA Moments that arrives from such splendid magic. I have not lost anything. I have moved forward leaving the marvelous lessons in the past. Everything has brought me here. It’s been splendid. It’s been mystical. It’s definitely been unpredictable because I don’t do predictable. I do stupendous serendipitous moments and my cousins reminded me how I have always been like this….

Life is full of duality…the yin and yang. There are days, some this past week, where as happy as I am to have married the man who is unlike any other in my life, I feel the winds of the unknown grabbing and squeezing me in regards to my future. And this has nothing to do with relationships. I have been stricken by paralyzing emotions questioning my purpose or lack of it in this present life. I am ready to move on. I am ready to write from my soul full time and be able to travel on the weekends with those I love. And, yet, in the midst of it all the sorrow of letting a dream go of old aspirations also grips me. It’s not easy.

I woke two days ago in a puddle of tears…they came from the dream state and continued on for hours. I gathered myself, my thoughts, my body and went to sit on the dock feeding the fish and you know what? All that freaking water made it worst…I kept on crying adding to the pond. Once I allowed for it…letting go…releasing to the universe, I was better.  It was there at the precise moment that the sun was pushing through the clouds that I felt God strongly bringing me divine light.  

I don’t believe things just happen to us. I don’t believe in coincidences. Struggles mean something. They are the stories inside from the past but it is still a small mirror of reflection. Tiny in comparison to what’s ahead. I get to pick what I want to see and what I want to let go. I get to decide what I learn from and not repeat or what I will allow to determine my journey. I do not want to piggy back the crap from back there. So, I look forward remembering that each breath takes me to an unknown place of faith, grace and love. Change is good. Change is priceless. And…because I am on the edge of it it is also daunting at times. All these blessings are delicious. I am deeply loved and supported. I am ready to continue driving while staring straight out of that large windshield into the future. Every so often when it gets dingy and dirty I will clean that sucker and make it clear to look ahead.  I am moving forward giddy for every new scenery that appears in the distance.