Tag: surrendering

Quarantine

On By Moments with MillieIn Essay8 Comments

It’s the 52nd day of staying-home-safe for me and my family. It’s actually a little longer but I’m counting from the actual day the county started the lockdown.

The first four weeks were super intense for me. Shit was coming up that I hadn’t a clue was still dwelling in me. It was truly an opening, the dark night of the soul, a heroes journey of sorts (even when I didn’t feel any heroism). My spiritual knowing went on shut-off and all I could do was be present with every single moment. Having two little ones demanding of me 24/7 was the biggest obstacle of all and not be able to take them out was an experiment in extremes.

I cried a lot. The world’s uncertainty was scary and I don’t get scared easily. There was a sense of major anxiety wrapped in panic. I felt helpless. I could no longer say “I don’t live in that reality.”

But, in spite of the emotional roller coaster ride, something happened around the fifth week. I was in the yard working and clearing bushes when it hit me: I had no time like this before to dedicate to our property. I also came to realize that I had been asking for this for a long time. I wanted time with the kids and be home to mend to my house. What I never imagined was that people out there would be dying. People all over the world were hurting.

I stopped watching the news around that time. I couldn’t deal with what was happening and the guilt of being safely at home with my sweethearts.

Every time I heard or saw the word “quarantine” I was triggered. I couldn’t understand or remember why until one day doing strenuous clearing of trees I understood.

In April of 1998 I adopted my first little girl from Romania. She came sick with a chaparon from the adoption agency. They said she had a cold. She was two years old and so malnourished. That first month she slept with me holding my hand. She wouldn’t let me go in fear she would be sent back to a horrific orphanage. One morning I woke and I was almost blind. I could barely get up. I felt feverish and aching all over. I called my mother who lived nearby to please take the kids to school and my little girl to daycare. When my mother took my temperature it was 105. She rushed me to the hospital. I was blacking out. Walking into the hospital I passed out and I have very little recollection of the first few days there.

I was placed on quarantine for over a week and a half. No visitors. I couldn’t see my baby girl or my two sons. They tested me for everything and couldn’t give me any medication but Tylenol because CDC couldn’t find what was wrong with me. I had doctors baffled. They assumed that my daughter carried something with her from Transylvania. I was touching heaven’s gate often almost in comatose state at times. The fever would spike and they had to wait until then to run their tests. Eventually after every test, poking, pricking, stabbing, and scans the infectious illness took its toll. I was fortunate. Almost two weeks later, on Memorial Day weekend, I walked out of the hospital with a diagnosed of “AB Mountain Fever.” But even that didn’t explain all the symptoms. Until CDC could give the okay I wasn’t able to just go. They kept a close eye on me for another six months.

THAT was quarantine. Real hellish seclusion. People coming into a room with suits on and I was unable to see and feel them clearly. So when I hear the word “quarantine” now I don’t see it as what this has been. This lockdown has been about clearing up ourselves and staying safe to help others. It has been in place to allow an infectious disease to slow down.

I was 30 years old. I was told that my heart took a beating during all the symptoms. I already had a mild heart condition. So I am super conscious of how I show up in the world at this time. I don’t believe there is anything I can’t overcome until it’s my time to truly leave this journey. But, by God, if I can do my part to stay healthy for my kiddos I will. If it means wearing a mask, staying put in my house, lifting others in love and humor, holding sacred space for me and the world….well you betcha I will do it.

I have replayed that May of 1998 so many times. I have let go of so much anger for many issues that showed up while I was laying in a hospital bed and unable to take care of matters in the world. Little did I know that April of 2020 would relive so many of the same emotions. And just like that in pulling roots out of my yard I was also pulling roots of hurt from long ago.

We have been gifted a lot at this time. And yes, a lot of grief and sorrow and atrocities. We have in our hands the ability to save ourselves and heal. The quarantine has brought about anger and rage; sadness and despair; hate and insanity. It has also allowed many to stay put and work on their own dark night of the soul. The entire world is doing it. It’s a global opportunity to raise our vibrations and work on our loving muscle to be forgiving, accept others even when they think or act differently, and acknowledge that ultimately compassion is what we need in our world.

I can’t change your mind. I won’t even try or dare. This is my journey. You have to figure out how you show up during this time. Our lives will never go back to what was before this March. But, darlings, I ask that you let go of the anger in whatever you are practicing. Let go of hatred. Let go of that need to bulldoze over everything just to make your point. That will never ever help cure anything. It only decreases the ability to allow love and compassion in our world.

I love you.

Fifth Week of Lessons

On By Moments with MillieIn Essay3 Comments

Fifth week of quarantine has taught me a lot. I am not the same person who entered this crisis.

At first there was release. Old traumas triggered and healed. There was so much old hurt that showed up and I didn’t even process why until weeks later.

Then came anger, disappointments and short fuse syndrome over everything. Denial and acceptance showed up a lot. Sadness would follow with grace. I cried a lot. I was in a fog. It was not pretty to feel it all and be in the midst of darkness. Forgiveness was the mother experience in all of it. It actually lifted the fog.

Every emotion has been deeply felt the last few weeks. I became spiritually detached. It rattled the core of me. I somehow had disconnected from Source and couldn’t get back to my center. Then last week it stopped. It all came full circle. I felt my heart cracking open and accepting. I understood what I didn’t understand. I know not to know anything and it is okay. I accept this being this at this moment in time.

There is something to all of it on a huge cosmic level. My dreams aren’t dreams but incredible travels elsewhere. And I marvel at the opportunity to bring back lessons from other lifetimes. When I close my eyes at night I get to go and come back with deep peace and awareness.

But, I also know that as weeks go by the collective will be in a lot of turmoil. There is heaviness in the world. There is sadness and anger. Every person is undergoing their own growth. There is a rainbow of shitty emotions going on that weigh each of us down. There is no pot of gold ahead for many. Folks ask what I asked in the beginning, “What the hell is my purpose now?”

Our purpose is to rise up and join a higher frequency. We can’t fight dark forces with darkness. We must light the path and lift the fog.

I’ve decided to shift my perception and mindfully return to love every single time I get into that head space. I don’t have to know about tomorrow. I only need to be here now.

My home is sacred. My family is too. I am willing to participate in this giant awakening experiment because obviously I chose this time in history to be here. I will not be shaken by what I read or see or hear. I understand that love is the vehicle, for me, at this time.

How are you feeling after all these weeks? What are you learning?

Taking it One Day at a Time

On By Moments with MillieIn Essay4 Comments

The wind was wicked all night long in this corner of the mountains. Children slept. We all slept. It was a rare night indeed. But sometime during the middle of the night the wind took over. It is still howling and it forces me to return to my own breath. It allows me to return to this moment.

I begin to understand again. I return to my remembering:

Who you are today is a compilation of every past experience. And, you are nothing of what you will be tomorrow. That’s the beautiful mysticism of understanding the evolution of the soul… especially during these times.

We’ve never been here before. What a journey this is for each of us. For our planet. For our soul evolution.

You are the universe embodied in a human vehicle. You are a zillion cells and infinite years old. Things change every second. I urge you to pay attention.

I’ve been wealthy. I’ve been poor. I’ve been a follower. I’ve been a teacher. I’ve been an avid student. I been a mother. I’ve been a wife and a lover. I’ve been angry and happy and lost and found. I’ve been broken and pasted back together mending in my private times. None of those labels will define my tomorrow because I am ever changing…but they have defined the soul I’ve become at this moment. Every single challenge and experience has molded me. It’s never the end. We are semicolons pausing and quickly beginning a new phase. Every single day.

Just as the sun rising and the night returning…You get to restart and reinvent yourself over and over. It’s a divine privilege. It’s your human right.

So don’t let the stress of tomorrow overshadow the sacredness of presence now. You will never be this young again. You will continue to grow in spirit and the moment you become aware of your power life will begin to shift.

I love you. Be present. Make it a point to stop, have a conscious breath, and taste your life for what it is. Whether it’s good or bad it is your life. And you can change it whenever you accept that this is not a prison life sentence. It is truly a magical experience of endless proportions.

There Will Be a New Normal

On By Moments with MillieIn Essay8 Comments

We will never be the same when this global event is finished.

The normal we lived was not normal. It was imbalanced and toxic. We worked to survive the rat race. We forgot how to cherish the simple ways of life. We lost our faith and human dignity as we gave away our worth to others who misused our trust.

When this is over we will see the world so differently. We will talk about our lives as B.V. (before the virus) and A.V. (after the virus). It will become the marker of all our experiences…of a human evolution and spiritual transformation.

We will talk about how we saved the lives of billions by staying indoors. And how we came together as a community. We will share how we connected with others through the internet and became friends with strangers.

We will share about the jobs that were lost, money that crumbled and hearts that broke during the pandemic. And how we became stronger because of the lessons while rebuilding our lives in healthy ways.

We will be grateful for the medical staff, the truckers, those who deliver food and supplies, the teachers and all others who were out there putting their lives at risk on a daily basis.

We will talk about countries and how we all came together when it was over while erasing all boundaries. Hate didn’t win. Love lifted us to a whole new level of consciousness.

We will have moved inward instead of outward in a world led by materialism. We will have evolved our spiritual gifts to help so many. Healers and lightworkers will have been in the front line of the metamorphosis. The world became lighter in ways that “normal” never experienced beforehand.

We will have raised the frequency of our planet through joy and compassion. Acceptance, awareness and altruism will become a way of life across all of human lives.

We will be mindful of how we felt being home with our loved ones. How we became more creative and finished all the projects we had on hold. How our homes never looked cleaner and cozier. We filled our little lives with gratitude for what we had.

Our lives will never be the same and it’s a good thing. We will come out of this as a new world. A grateful world. A world with less hate and more love. An earth that will have rested from all we have done to her.

Normal wasn’t working for us. The new normal will be absolutely beautiful. I am holding on to this with the deep knowing that it was well overdue.

Our Infinite Connection

On By Moments with MillieIn Essay2 Comments

You are one freaking miracle consisting of millions of cells that exploded to create a universe in you. You are a world alone bumping and connecting with other worlds. Not for one moment think that your world is insignificant. You have been programmed to believe that you are small but you’re huge. You are infinite. You will continue to live even after you are no longer in this incarnation.

And guess what you are here to do?

You are here to love and learn and love some more. You are here to experience all aspects of humanness. This is not a test. It’s not suppose to be a gigantic struggle. You are suppose to rise and help create for others.

Every single event, challenge and obstacle is here to expand your consciousness. You are here to touch hearts and teach what compassion is. You get to do that through your examples and power. Do not give your power to another. Do not hand your magic to anyone. It’s yours! You hold on to it and make this world a better place. We are now remembering why we came. And it’s all about love, connections, forgiveness, expansion and grace. I love you.

Genetic Needs

On By Moments with MillieIn Essay8 Comments

divineloveOur souls are driven by basic genetic needs: the sense of survival, the power of love, acquiring freedom through peace, acceptance for our existence, and enjoying ourselves in the process. When in doubt always choose happiness. Allow yourself to live in the core of joy. You are your thoughts. Return to the basic needs of your spirit.  It occurs to me that being hurt, living inside of a past bubble of regrets, causes a shut-off valve in your heart.  It depletes the rest of the body and emotions to flow easily.

One drop of kindness, forgiveness, and letting go creates an ocean.  The ripple effect is a tsunami of love.  Returning to our basic needs time and time again is powerful.  It is liberating.  The same way we create our own demons, we can choose to create mystical wonders.

Awareness of what we desire is stronger when we aren’t in alignment with how we are living.  Not fulfilling something allows the “what if’s” to obsess the very core of our spirit.  What stops us from reaching out to the stars of desires and wishes?  Fear!  Fear of the unknown.  Fear of past traumas repeating themselves.  Fear of having too much fun and not being responsible.  Fear of worthlessness.  Fear of not deserving the unlimited love from the universe.   Fear stumps our spiritual evolution.

This morning I woke to the sound of my cat purring next to my ear.  She kept nudging her head towards mine.  She wanted nothing but to be loved.  She expected nothing less than a cuddle and embrace.  She just wanted to enjoy the moment of my hands touching her fur and scratching her ears.  She’s not afraid of what the day will bring to her.  She picks a spot near the sunlight by a window and plops herself to comfort.  That’s her life.  She goes out in the yard, does her cat things, enters the house with the only thing available to her…safety and love.

Just like the cat, I remind myself to return to the basic genetic needs.  When anxiety knocks at the door of my spirit I remember that I have no control of anything.  I am just like the cat wanting to be loved, enjoying the process, and finding peace somewhere in this existence.   After all, love is all that we need to co-exist. Joy is the way to open it up in others.  Make a point to return to your truth time and time again.  That intuition poking at you is Spirit calling you home through divine wisdom.  Follow it every time!

Being the Spectator

On By Moments with MillieIn Essay3 Comments

I took a Kundalini yoga class early this morning. It was the perfect gift for entering a new week.

With each breath cycle, prana, I allowed the life force in me to clear out stagnant energy. Every pose allowed for the vibrancy to rise and fall.

I became the spectator of my stories for that hour… releasing and returning to me with each passing minute.

I am learning the gentleness of me. Of not pushing what doesn’t feel right, even on the yoga mat.

May you find yourself in the driver’s seat witnessing it all without judgment.

I love you. Mucho.

Choose Wisely

On By Moments with MillieIn Essay1 Comment

The psychology of spirit is pretty simple. Think good and good will arrive. Think negative and most likely you will get it. Think of thinking either and one way or the other you will get the negative. Negativity is a lower frequency. It takes a lot more to create and manifest from higher frequency. Positive energy requires joy and trust.

There are moments that truly push us to the edge of our spirituality. There are others that put us back on track. And, yet in other circumstances we are reminded that these are always, “Good times!” I don’t care how bad it gets because the truth is that we are here placed on this earth to learn, evolve and love in the process of living. With or without our awareness we are here to have a good time.

Be mindful of what you think when you are having a pity party. Be clear on how long you will allow the party to go on. Don’t let a bad day turn into something that will clearly become some kind of victimization attitude. This life is not created for that. These are, indeed, great times. Obstacles appear as reminders that you can overcome anything. Each challenge is an opportunity for growth and expansion.

If you don’t show up to your highest spiritual capacity take a look at what is holding you back. Most likely it’s you. You are holding yourself back from moving forward. No one else is to blame.

Always take full responsibility on how you act and react. It’s time you stop the victimization or martyr mode. Time is wasted on such dysfunctional behaviors.

Enjoy the spaces between the highs and lows. Enjoy the not knowing until you do. You are growing, darling! It isn’t always easy. So just be. Let’s make these moments good times. These are extraordinary times and we get to decide what holds us, what keeps us, and what lets us go. Sending blessings to you!

Life Cycles

On By Moments with MillieIn Essay1 Comment

We move through cycles of what was and what is. And, somewhere in between lies the illusion that these things make us whole and become our stories. Your story might be raw and full of pain, or it might consist of happiness and delightful moments. You have been embraced by love and lovers (past and present), but in the end it is this very second that glues us together. You have lost a loved one to death or just the ending of a relationship and it hurts like hell but you are still here surfing the ebb of deep waters.

This is Sacred Presence.

This is part of expansion.

This is a raw and vulnerable ability to stay here and share while connecting to another by saying, “I am here for you. You are not alone. I understand. I have experienced something similar. Or, I haven’t and it is beautiful how you are moving with grace, strength and faith.”

Yes, these are the moments that make us whole through the veil of life. These are the days that move through us in the subconscious with changes and growth. We don’t know it but there’s a shift inside. This new year is one full of growth and adventure. You have been tested for so long that you have forgotten what it is to just be in sacred presence.

We can’t look back and know when things changed and we gave up but they are there. Today I am making changes to a new opportunity to find joy in the little things. These non-judgmental days of self awareness are huge mile markers.

Today…Tomorrow…Every single morning is an opportunity for me to expand my heart and consciousness.

Are you ready as well?

Keep searching for your truth. It isn’t always pretty or perfect or without some hurt…but it is your truth. These are the things that have created your humanness to continue expanding in our world. The conscious shift in knowing and acceptance is evolving within you always. And how MARVELOUS you are, darling! Go be all that greatness you are meant to be!!!! Together we make some yummy magic. Mucho love.

If you are interested in a session please reach out.

http://www.sacredjourneyinward.com

Sacredjourneyinward@gmail.com

What You Want

On By Moments with MillieIn Essay3 Comments

If I ask you what you want how long will it take you to answer me without giving me what you DO NOT want? Most folks know exactly what they want to get rid of, or move from, or what is shattering their souls into pieces. It’s hard to come up with what you want with complete confirmation because maybe it’s out of your perception. Maybe it feels like a fantasy. Or maybe it is just hard to reach it.

I can always give a list of the things I don’t want really fast. Those are the things I carry and I don’t want the continuous feeling of struggle. Then I immediately become conscious of my negative thought process and shift to all that I want. I begin to feel the magic of creation.

Sometimes we need someone to just ask the questions. Someone to be there to hold our hand and nod and smile. And perhaps this is what we all want. We want to know that what we desire is of value. Even if it sounds silly. Speak it. Share it. Allow for it to materialize. There is power in your words and the moment you verbalize them, or write them, they begin to birth into reality.

What do you want? Take paper and pen. Make your list. Start to visualize it. Start to birth your dreams. I promise you that once you put all your emotions into it, without doubt or fear, you become the mystical powerhouse of creation. You align with divine forces.