The Need to Find Home
“Wisdom tells me I am nothing. Love tells me I am everything. And between the two my life flows.” – Nisargadatta Maharaj
I have been self-absorbed lately, so much to the point of trying to find purpose on a life I’ve created from love, faith and the awareness of lessons. Ever since I was a child I have always known what I wanted from life. I’ve never been without goals. Except now I am looking for “home” through the internal maze of consciousness. I am not depressed. I have bouts of sadness at times because of loss, changes, and those who have come and gone, leaving me to question my humanity. I am left to question my character and how I have been part of others and their drama. But, I am aware that we all live through this because it sums the total of our lives. Without reflection and deep introspect we are nothing.
I was driving back from town early this morning and out of the blue, tears began to flow. I was overcome with joy, giddiness and something else. I know there is no such thing as “out of the blue” because inside of each one of us we know the answer to every moment, feeling, and choice. Our psyche will form false illusions through ego, but we all have the answers. I pulled to the side of the road shaking off “the whatever issue” that was strangulating me. Even though it felt good it also felt sad. It is that “whatever” attitude that brought me into releasing the tears. I was admiring the scenery coming up the mountain as the sun was casting minimal light through the fog making the bright colored leaves even more magnificent. I began to say the word, “home,” out loud.
I am home. At this moment I look back at a some very difficult years. I’ve had to re-establish my sense of identity and my purpose as things have evolved. Every change and challenge has pushed me to question my sanity, beliefs, and connections. I’ve made plans and now have had to deviate from many of them. However, the new journey has been delicious because it has shown me other parts of myself. But, at times thoughts transpire and I recognize them as small hiccups that push the internal needs to frustration.
The Divine has reshaped the map to the future with some humorous points. At times I see the irony and humor in the childish idea that I have control of my life. The joke is on me! I realize what home is now. I see it through the faces of loved ones, the places I’ve lived and the memories collected throughout my days. Home is deeper than a place of residence. It is something in me that remembers and settles with ease. This could be through anything. Home is the essence of who I am.
Something happened when I had the near-death experience almost three years ago. Something significant came back with me deleting all sense of fear. Normal problems now seem ridiculously dramatic circumstances trying to push my higher evolution to learn quicker. In this state of awkwardness I let things fall too easily at times, while at other times they grab a hold of me and suck the air out leaving a vast emptiness with answers to no questions. I don’t understand the struggle here on earth. I don’t comprehend the suffering. Where I went in those moments of leaving my physical body I was at peace. I was engulfed by a light of love. Nothing compares to that. And this morning as I witnessing the reds, oranges and yellows on the mountains, I recognized that sense of awesomeness that must be experienced as I let go. I keep surrendering with constant clarity that whatever is ahead is rigged in my favor.
I want to live fully. I want to live to the highest desire of my authentic soul. I want to live with passion even when I have no clue to what is ahead. I want to watch sunrises and sunsets as often as I can. I want to see my children grow old, experiencing the magnificence of life. I want my friends around me through the tough and easy times. I want to drink wine, slack off, chase fairies at night, have fun, and still be responsible to know better. I want to keep waking up every morning to the smell of this body aging, growing, and expanding. I want my mate to hold me, touch me gently, wipe my cares and tell me that we will be together until we are not. I want to be guided my synchronicity and serendipity. I want to live a life that is meaningful to that light I witnessed as snow was falling outside of the hospital. I want to continue to hear autumn leaves wrestling while mimicking the sound of rain. I want to experience the changing of four seasons for sixty-something more years. I want to look in the mirror and see the best of me that no other person will ever see. I want to meet strangers and give them a smile to take with them. I want to continue to want things that money can’t buy. I want to stop the urgency of hurt in others and let them know that they are not alone.
Life is truly a bitch at times, but we get this incredible opportunity to make it whatever we want. This is our home. This is my home. Mass consciousness carries energy and it’s time to alter the negative vibes and make them positive ones.
I have become little in my “knowing” while constantly being bombarded by my guides and the remnants of passing souls on a day-to-day basis. It’s not easy to live among the living and still have a foot firmly planted through the veils of reality. I returned from that other dimension with a keen awareness of the miracle of consciousness. There is no description that can do justice to the world outside of this physical one.
Even all these years later I try to make sense of my need to go home when I see beauty unfolding as I did this morning. I continue to struggle with fitting in my body while feeling comfortable in my skin and those around me. I have this achy feeling of not belonging in this reality where the complaints outweigh the contentment in humanity. I haven’t a clue of what I want, as I used to, for so long in my life. There is no grounding until we wake up as spiritual beings. I feel that clearly nudging at me through meditation. There are people truly battling the claws of death through illnesses and they are holding on to life with passion (sometimes through fear). I am blessed to have a chance to stay here and breathe one more day.
We, in this human form, waste so much precious time expecting others to make us happy, tell us what we need and should do, and give us a reason to wake every morning. We live with constant stress of perfection that doesn’t exist. We want to know without having to walk the path. There’s no way! It’s better to live with the wisdom of experience, the open heart of love and the in-between world of accepting that we are spiritual beings having a human experience. It’s okay. It is in that world that, I guess, I find home time and time again. The sadness comes and goes. Joy and grace visit just as often. I will continue to move through this world holding tightly to what I do know is true for me.
As I type this I am witnessing the essence of earth dancing outside. This is the quietude of presence that assures me that what’s to come is beyond anything I could imagine. It’s in that anticipation that the willingness to continue spoils me and brings me joy. Won’t you meet me there? Grab a hold of your truth and let it evolve into the best you there will ever be. Your thoughts are ripples in the waves of mass consciousness. Together we will make this place home!
I get home from work and begin making dinner when my 20-year-old daughter informs me that there is a leak in the living room. I go into the living room and she explains that while waiting for her laundry to be done that she was sitting watching television when two drops of water fell from the ceiling. I ask her if maybe it was our Great Dane drooling on her arm. She laughs and says, “No, Mom! The dog was on the floor asleep. You seriously think I wouldn’t notice it was the dog?”
“Okay, turn on the lights and show me where you were sitting.” I stand in the middle of the room searching for water stains. I see nothing on the ceiling. It’s been raining non-stop and I don’t see any sign of leaking anywhere, thank God.
“Mom, I swear! It was two drops right here on my arm.” She extends her arm as if hours later the water marks were still tattooed on her skin.
I walk away, stop and turn. “Baby, you know angels are known to shed tears that fall from the heavens.” I say this completely in truth without sarcasm. I mean…I said it without an ounce of logical thought processing. To me it was a rational explanation.
She looks at me…wearing a look of confusion and sarcasm and says, “Mom! You do know I am not six anymore?”
I turn around and go back to making dinner. As I said the comment I didn’t realize how truly juvenile and exaggerated it sounded. I was in my moment! I gave an answer without filtering it…without truly thinking about how ridiculous it sounded because, to be honest, I believe in the magic of angels. I could have said it was the unicorn urinating as it was flying above her. I would not have been surprised if that came out of my mouth as well. I live in a constant state of awesomeness while things happen that have no logical explanation. And, in that world I don’t think before I speak!
We become what we believe. We believe in the power of endless possibilities and therefore anything is possible in the world. Why not angel tears? Why not a unicorn kiss? Why not fairy dust sliding down her arm? Why not? In a world governed by rationale and preconceived notions why not believe in the unbelievable? Why are children the only ones who believe? Perhaps because they haven’t been taught to believe otherwise. You don’t need proof…you just need to believe. Do not let anyone tell you it cannot be done. Things do manifest from the most unusual of places just to get our attention. It’s magical, mystical and pure enchantment!
Release of Sorrow
Recently I sat with a friend sharing childhood stories. As she began to retell anecdotes full of heartfelt truth she began to cry. It was such a deep mourn that my heart felt her pain in one of the deepest levels I’ve felt in a long time. I saw her eyes release not just the tears but fragments of years accumulating the agony. There was a huge shift in perception. There was a new look in her tightly held sorrow. To her surprise she admitted it had been a decade since the last time she cried over this memory. And then I wondered later after she left, “How long have I held on to my own agony and hurt from past events?” I am always surprised that another person’s release tugs at my own turmoils. It’s a beautiful reminder how connected we are to one another in ways that pain and joy link us together in humanity.
As the quote says, “Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.” I believe that I release pretty quickly…now. But, there has been a lifetime of holding on to issues. It only takes a moment of sharing a story to let go of something that’s been inside. We need each other to move through this world. We can do it alone but we shouldn’t have to. It’s part of our DNA to share, be accepted and be heard in the most profound of ways. It’s our existence. We require another to hold us and love us. I am blessed to have people in my life I can reach out to when I am ready to collapse. I am fortunate! Not everyone feels they have that support group. I can’t begin to imagine what loneliness in that aspect looks like to another. I don’t want to either.
I am here to remind you that sharing is caring. Vulnerability has been instilled as an ugly monster that bites us in the butt. Society has ingrained us with shame and guilt. However, it really is a lie! God is listening. Your guides are always with you. There is more in this world than just what you see with your human eyes. And, my darlings, love is never far away. Look into the eyes of an animal or a child and you witness truth. Be truthful with yourself. Be honest with another. You are the sum of all the experiences you have had till now. I don’t regret much. Every trial and mistake has allowed me to evolve spiritually, emotionally and physically. Like it or not this is who I am. You don’t have to feel alone in this journey. You have tears that the heart is waiting to find permission to release…please, I beg, let them go once and for all.
Find the courage to trust another with your stories. Let bravery lead and teach someone else about your life. We are in this together. We are mirror reflections that light our way with lessons. You got this! We might not know each other but we do share real estate on this blue planet for now. And, that’s not the only thing we share together. Our thoughts must shift to bring healing and love to others. It’s our human duty to let go of the things that no longer serve us. I love you. I love you. I love you mucho.
Love Like Water
Reading my daily meditation book, Mark Nepo writes, “Only love, with no thought of return, can soften the point of suffering.” This little sentence allowed the release of some deep seeded tears this morning. I’ve been waiting. I’ve waited all week for some kind of major emotional surrender. This morning, before light casted over darkness, the soft tears rolled down caressing my face. With them they left a trail of confirmation: I have done all I needed to do as a parent. I’ve done what I could do under the circumstances. The rest is up to God.
Love has a way of erasing the deepest level of suffering. It also has a way of releasing. Many times we believe that the love part is what causes the pain in the first place. We carry the erroneous idea that “if I wasn’t so loving I wouldn’t be so hurt; if I turn away and was out of sight it wouldn’t be happening this way.” I believe the love part is what allows the humanness to surrender and divinity to make us whole. What causes pain is the insistence of trying to control another into what you feel is right for them. It is all a magic trick, an illusion, of the times and how we’ve been programmed to believe. We have little control of anything. But, we like to pretend that we do!
As I hold my book while drinking my coffee I continue to read his words: “Most things break instead of transform because they resist. The quiet miracle of love is that without our interference, it, like water, accepts whatever is tossed or dropped or placed into it, embracing it completely.” Ah! A deep sigh for these words echoing from the page.
My daughter has a decision to make today. She was given two choices yesterday that will be determined of how she lives this new journey away from abuse. In her lack of mental capacity to reason or logically analyze she will pick the one she feels is best for her. It’s up to her. She will carry with her the baby girl that has been a light in our home for a week and a half. This business of being a parent doesn’t get easier, but it is never boring. Love is letting go. Love is allowing spirit to do what needs to be done for the higher betterment of all involved. I wholeheartedly believe this with every breath I take.
Love softens that entrance of all suffering while releasing the unknowns. There is no formula to an open heart. It requires faith. It is made of grace, compassion and forgiveness. All we can do is love another and allow for the love to return however fit. This morning it is all I can continue to do…to love unconditionally without expectations. All I am called to do is love….
“The stuff in our lives doesn’t change. It is we who change in relation to it.” – Molly Vass