Healing From A Broken Heart

 

broken heart love

You meet someone. You fall deeply in love and then life happens and the relationship ends. Sometimes it’s timing. Other times it’s through the loss of death. And yet, in many other cases it was the need to mature and grow as individuals apart. A dear friend recently asked me, “How can you continue in other relationships? What do you do when you realize that your heart belongs to someone else?” I pondered long and hard. I thought about my own love affairs, those who still hold and tug my heart in places that I will never release. But, in a world that is driven by romance novels and movies it’s really difficult to decipher what you should do when the heart chooses to love another. It’s almost impossible to explain to another what you are feeling inside. I couldn’t answer my friend at the time, but here are six questions to ask in order to heal from an intense break-up:

1. Was he or she really “the one?” We perceive that there is only “one” great love. There could be many “ones.” There might be “the one” who knew your every move and story; the one who was the best kisser; the one who was the best comedian; the one who loved your children. “The one” is a concept we have created to personalize that one person who was the best at a certain thing. The worst thing you can do is tell another who is hurting, “time heals all wounds,” or “you will heal from this.” There is no time limit on hurt and grieving. The heart knows what it wants. Sometimes we neglect to appreciate what we have until it’s over. It’s a human default. It has little to do with intelligence. The heart may just be owned by an ex forever. You can try to substitute it with drugs, alcohol, sex or other addictions, but it’s truly difficult to move on. And, that’s okay! You don’t have to figure things out today. It might take years before making peace with how you feel. Every so often, those loves re-enter our lives. Because of lessons and growth, we appreciate them in a profound level that was never there before.

2. What was the thing that connected you? When we are in other relationships we create a false perception of what we are missing. Life happens through us, not to us. People move on. We are bombarded with quotes about missing love, “Absence makes the heart grow fonder.” There is a reason you are now in another relationship. This person touched you in some way. There was a new connection. But, there are also those who do not move into other relationships. They are paralyzed by the loss. The connection was over. Can you remain friends with an ex-lover? Can you still partake in their lives without sex? Can you continue that relationship while starting another? These are questions only you can answer honestly.

3. What did you learn from the relationship? Every relationship brings lessons. There is a time and place for each one. The deeper the connection, the harder the challenges. Intense relationships have a way of turning us upside down, right side up and in circles. They don’t just go away after they have existed in your life. It doesn’t matter if it was a love affair in your teens, a two-week fling, or years of sharing a life with children and family. Relationships force us to grow and learn in ways that can break and mend us. If you can revisit with that person, what would you say to him/her? What would you say was their purpose in your life? Cutting past chords of love is truly difficult when you know that your heart was given solely to that person. It’s never easy to take full responsibility for our behaviors. How you act with another is a reflection of your own insecurities.

4. Was it lust or love? We tend to mix the two. Lust drives us to lose our minds in the process of sharing with a lover. We feel things in a physical level that clouds the mind. Love, however, will continue to poke and force you to stay without restrictions. Ask yourself if it was a physical relationship or one that transcends through time? Some lovers leave imprints that cannot be forgotten. In bed it was magical, but outside in the real world, it was disastrous. You must decide if what you are missing is the sexual connection or was this a life partner that completely had your back in all your decisions?

5. Why did it end? This is one of the most honest questions you can ask yourself. You can make a mistake once. If you make it more than that it is considered a decision. You chose to stay or leave. There is usually a pattern that you can track. Was he or she selfish with their time and needs? Was it a possessive relationship? Where you taken for granted? Did you feel appreciated? Where you heard and understood? Was it timing? You may ask yourself many other questions. There is always one or two authentic reasons that the relationship ended (unless death pulled you apart).

6. Are you replacing him/her with another without healing? Most people have no clue that they will enter other relationships with similar traits. Awareness is absent when hurt takes over. How do you get over someone that made you come alive? Often times you replace them with familiarity. Being honest with yourself about how you feel in this new relationship will serve as a marking point. It’s not fair to your new mate, or yourself, if you are still holding on to another who (you feel) stole your heart. Healing doesn’t happen over night. Healing requires pulling out roots and seeing things without pointing the finger to your ex. Healing is about you and coming to terms with the reality that maybe, perhaps, your instincts were letting you know that the relationship was toxic. Not all lovers raise us to the highest form of love.

How do you heal from a past love? There is no one set answer. I am definitely no expert in matters of love. Each person is different. What I do believe is that you must take care of yourself. You must find a place to love yourself beyond anyone else. It’s not selfish. It’s not egotistical. It’s self-love. It’s imperative to allow time the space to gently introduce another in your life. Jumping from one to another adds to the intensity of loss. Your heart might never feel what it did with “the one,” but a new “one” might just show you a deeper form of love that reflects who you really are.

 Sometimes it takes a heartbreak to shake us awake & help us see we are worth so much more than we’re settling for.” ~ Mandy HaleThe Single Woman: Life, Love, and a Dash of Sass

The Magic of Beginnings

Two lovers enter into an intimate conversation early on in their relationship:

He asks, “Are you afraid of falling in love?”

She answers, “Not with you.”

He asks, “Why’s that?”

She answers with a smile, “Cause I know you will catch me when I fall.”

There is something tender in allowing yourself to fall in love.  There is also something magical in knowing that the other person will not hurt you.  Love is not a power struggle, an ego booster, or a platform for ownership.  It is about letting go and allowing Spirit to perform its pursuit for the betterment of your heart’s desires.

I’ve had the privilege to be among many friends.  Some of them have entered into new relationships.  They beam with energy, excitement, romance, and that mystical union of two people getting to know each other.   In both relationships I witnessed something that had never been there before: appreciation and admiration.  There is kindness, generosity and mutual respect.  Like a Tango dance, one needs the pull and pushing, the give and take, the seduction and the closeness all mixed into a rhythmic dance of divinity.  The hopeless romantic in me smiles with admiration at that harmonious partnership.

I can’t say that I’ve been accused of not loving enough in my relationships.  I give all of me, sometimes too much, because I am not met half way.  And, when I am done I can continue to move past the hurt and realize how beautiful the lessons were for the betterment of my spirit.  I’ve been fortunate that on some occasions after moving on the person has shared that I loved hard (and it wasn’t so much me that “broke it” but their own insecurities and self-loathing).   I can’t shun away from love because of past relationships.  I am in a beautiful healthy one now.  If I had stopped the idea of love, closed my heart completely, I wouldn’t have met this incredible counterpart of my journey!

How many times have we passed on the idea of love or getting to know someone just to regret it later on?  How many times have we allowed ego to dictate our heart’s desires to then realize that the person was actually “The One?”  The past is a wilderness forest.  Many of us choose to stay there because of fear of the unknown.  We are afraid to move past the forest into the open spaces and allow the heart to guide us.  In that paralyzing fear of holding on to past events, we lose the chance to meet a counterpart of our divinity to be loved.

I always find the “falling in love” part easy.  It’s the staying in that place of vulnerability that is challenging.  Every day, as I meet more people entering into loving relationships, I believe I am attracting that energy into my own love life.  I refused to settle for someone who could not meet me half way in my heart’s yearnings.  I wasn’t willing to compromise my self-love for anyone.  It’s taken me too many years to repair and rebuild self-worth and love.   It has taken me a lifetime to realize that simplicity, kindness, intelligence, openness, and laughter are prerequisites for my soul mate.

This man sees me as a hippie chick, a deep romantic, and/or a trusting spirit.  I know that the falling in love part is the best drug in the world when shared with someone who has my best intention at heart. When it is easy, soft, appreciated and graceful there is no other place I would rather be.  The alternative of having him passed by was not an option.

Allow yourself the gift of openness, trust, vulnerability and diving into the arms of love.  You never know who will be there to catch you when you fall!

Silhouettes

Worshipping temples,
Two bodies move
In and out of heaven
With incense from bodies
Filling the space
And endless galaxies.

Lines intercept in darkness
Rhythmically breathing
Into one another.

I am yours.
We are one.

You allow me to travel
To and from the universe
While entering the matrix
Of surrealism.

I will never exist as I have…

Again.

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The One

Recently on a trip to my therapist, whom I hadn’t visited in almost 12 months, I was made aware of the parameters I place on relationships. I had a deep heartbreak months ago. The person whom I thought was the greatest love of my life wasn’t. My therapist asked me if he was “The One?” I asked her why I needed to come to terms with labeling any man in that category. (And I know how much it irritates her when I answer with a question). I sat there thinking, Hmmm, they have all been “The Ones.” Each relationship I’ve had, and I haven’t had that many, have been in their own special way “The One.” Follow me on this….

We have giant status quo, concepts, ideas, guidelines and categories for the great loves in our lives. They have to have this and that in order to fit the criterion that best suits our lives. The reality is that the perfection of what we desire is all an illusion. All my relationships have had the makings and the footprints of being “The One.” I have been entertained with several personalities of being “the greatest” at something. They have had several labels and titles. I’ve had the one giant narcissist. I’ve had the worst kisser, the greatest comedian, the generous one, the most amazing cook, the best lover, the one that got away, the runner, the fighter, the broken one, the compassionate one, the hater, the abuser, the teacher, the fixer, the psycho, etc. I am certain they all have names for me as well! Each man has allowed me to grow in ways that have attributed to me and my desire to learn a valuable lesson. I don’t see mistakes any longer in my life. I accept them as opportunities to learn priceless guidance from the Divine. I have no regrets of my past relationships. With any bad memories I can fill the gaps with wonderful ones.

To label one human being as “The One” is truly foolish, and a way of shortchanging myself in this life. Great loves do not appear out of nowhere. They arrive at the perfect timing to what we need to assimilate. Each heart break brings with it a powerful understanding of our own reflections in the world. It’s sad and beautiful, simultaneously. The synchronicity of the union is always magical. People are attracted to one another for a million reasons. When the union is no longer the same (or the parameters change) we blame the other person instead of taking responsibility for our role in it as well. It takes two people to make a loving relationship. I would hate to put all the blame and efforts on the other person. It is not only crazy but very egotistical.

I think I left my therapist feeling a bit baffled, or not. I guess she wanted a deeper concrete answer from me. I won’t be seeing her for a while. I think I got my answer sitting there trying to make ends and tails at the loss of this extravagant recent union. I got it. It was splendid, short, sweet, and full of a great release of emotions I had bottled up for a lifetime. That’s the benefit in speaking with someone who is not bias about your life. You get to examine yourself from different points of views and perspectives even when the realization and epiphany comes right from yourself. I realize now that I am in no rush to meet the next “Great One.” I am finally learning to live with “The One” in myself.