I woke at midnight to no electricity. My phone had a message that the power company was working on the outage. I looked outside and smiled. I went back to bed. I know the trauma I have with winter and not feeling safe or warm. It comes up quickly. But I went back to bed.
I didn’t sleep much that night. I time traveled back and forth. I was trying to erase people from my life. I kept waking up and laughing. The reality seemed absurd but every time I closed my eyes I seemed to travel back to some other time and dimension.
I am who I am because of every person who came into my life. Who would I be if they didn’t exist? What would I had become? Would I miss what I never had? Would there be fragments of me that felt a great void? And how would life around me be lived? Each person was a stepping stone…would I have had different stones?
At 7am I observed the white purity of being covered by snow outside. Candles were burning. Shades laid open. Windows were clear of all distraction. I was too.
And then uneasiness started to set in. I allowed for it. I calmed myself down by reading old books.
There was no sound other than candles burning and children babbling. There was peace across the landscape. No cars. No nothing. Just clarity of silence and my most intimate thoughts.
But…after 36 hours of no electricity or water the ego begins to complain. Just a tad bit! It starts to create deep layers of sadness and remorse for living in a state that has these winters. I knew nothing of this before eight years ago. This year has been better. For the first few winters I was pretty much alone on a mountain. No money. A rundown motel. Two teenagers and the echo of uncertainty staring back at me each time I got snowed in.
I have patience. Lots of it. I began to dread winter. Each year that has grown. I fight against the Post traumatic events. I usually win.
Now every time I hear “snow storm coming” a part of my nervous system gets triggered. I can be prepared but the moment I feel the threat of no power or water…oh my…the ego reminds me of the past. And I enter a place of disregard. I start to feel something that doesn’t fit in my personality of today.
We now have power. As I write this it’s been three hours. The house is clean. Toilets are flushed. Kitchen is immaculate. Clothes is folded. Kids are napping in warm bedrooms. I sit next to my husband as I write. I stop and thank him for all he did to make me feel at peace. He knows me. I read several books by candlelight. I wrote. I loved on my tribe here. And I did a lot of meditating and praying. I did a lot of releasing and manifesting. I needed this detachment.
It’s that time of year that brings stuff up like wanting to erase the folks from the past. I cannot. I won’t. And I am happy that I can’t change anything because I am becoming the best version of me possible. It’s all there is. The snow has clarified that. I’m grateful. I feel the purity of the land healing me. My consciousness truly expands with every winter. I don’t have to hate it. I just need to be. For now. For however long it takes to continue healing me.