Gratitude in Clarity

I woke at midnight to no electricity. My phone had a message that the power company was working on the outage. I looked outside and smiled. I went back to bed. I know the trauma I have with winter and not feeling safe or warm. It comes up quickly. But I went back to bed.

I didn’t sleep much that night. I time traveled back and forth. I was trying to erase people from my life. I kept waking up and laughing. The reality seemed absurd but every time I closed my eyes I seemed to travel back to some other time and dimension.

I am who I am because of every person who came into my life. Who would I be if they didn’t exist? What would I had become? Would I miss what I never had? Would there be fragments of me that felt a great void? And how would life around me be lived? Each person was a stepping stone…would I have had different stones?

At 7am I observed the white purity of being covered by snow outside. Candles were burning. Shades laid open. Windows were clear of all distraction. I was too.

And then uneasiness started to set in. I allowed for it. I calmed myself down by reading old books.

There was no sound other than candles burning and children babbling. There was peace across the landscape. No cars. No nothing. Just clarity of silence and my most intimate thoughts.

But…after 36 hours of no electricity or water the ego begins to complain. Just a tad bit! It starts to create deep layers of sadness and remorse for living in a state that has these winters. I knew nothing of this before eight years ago. This year has been better. For the first few winters I was pretty much alone on a mountain. No money. A rundown motel. Two teenagers and the echo of uncertainty staring back at me each time I got snowed in.

I have patience. Lots of it. I began to dread winter. Each year that has grown. I fight against the Post traumatic events. I usually win.

Now every time I hear “snow storm coming” a part of my nervous system gets triggered. I can be prepared but the moment I feel the threat of no power or water…oh my…the ego reminds me of the past. And I enter a place of disregard. I start to feel something that doesn’t fit in my personality of today.

We now have power. As I write this it’s been three hours. The house is clean. Toilets are flushed. Kitchen is immaculate. Clothes is folded. Kids are napping in warm bedrooms. I sit next to my husband as I write. I stop and thank him for all he did to make me feel at peace. He knows me. I read several books by candlelight. I wrote. I loved on my tribe here. And I did a lot of meditating and praying. I did a lot of releasing and manifesting. I needed this detachment.

It’s that time of year that brings stuff up like wanting to erase the folks from the past. I cannot. I won’t. And I am happy that I can’t change anything because I am becoming the best version of me possible. It’s all there is. The snow has clarified that. I’m grateful. I feel the purity of the land healing me. My consciousness truly expands with every winter. I don’t have to hate it. I just need to be. For now. For however long it takes to continue healing me.

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You Must Release the Shame

Come close. Sit for a second and let me share a story…

I held a giant amount of guilt and resentment for over 20 years. It wasn’t something I thought about daily but it would show its ugly head every so often. The trauma was molded to my worth. It would visit and linger and poke in a way that I felt my breath leave me, especially in the middle of the night. In the last few years I needed to release it. And back in February I did.

I met with this amazing woman…a true soul sister…and apologized. We had something in common. We had both been with the same man for 18 years, and in between those years there were years that overlapped. She didn’t know it. I was also told a different story. We co-inhabited with a man who fed on our lack of self worth. We handed him the right to place a price tag on our souls.

I was young, stupid, and foolish. I was naive. I was in my twenties with two little boys while needing a father figure as he was 18 years my senior. He was a master manipulator, the poster child for narcissism. We believed him. I loved him. She did too. But, what happens when you grow into yourself and the shame is still lurking? You must find a way to shred it, surrender the yuckiness, and forgive yourself for mistakes.

We are human. We are imperfect. We are entitled to screwing up and growing. We are given the extraordinary beauty of falling miserably and rising to greatness.

You must enter the discomfort and allow the healing to begin. You must acknowledge your part in the stories and own the lessons. You have to allow for the truth to come out of every pore of your being. That’s when light comes in and you are recreated.

Guess how that happens! It happens through love. It happens through total release of culpability. It appears through the total abandonment of monsters in closets. You open the door and let them go free. Those suckers need release. They need light to vanish.

I own every part of the stories: the ugly and disgraceful; the lovely and magical; the ridiculous and careless; the spirituality and the human. I own it because it brought me here to this very moment of midlife with a giant exposure of truth. It allowed me to fall in love again with someone who could love me back for the real me.

Once we met at a retreat, we spent four days with one another. We spoke truth and opened up all the lies. She forgave me for being with her husband while they were still married. She also gave me permission to let that shit go. I gave her permission to forgive him for all the atrocities he created in both our lives. We held one another, hands intertwined, walking on the beach. We cried. We shared in disbelief the stories of two young women wrapped in the web of deception with a cunning Machista.

What happened after that gathering was pure ecstatic. I found myself. I dug into places of me that I didn’t know were available or even existed in my perception. The truth of it all shook my core belief. My imperfections were embraced by her which allowed for me to accept in me. I fell in love with this woman who shared similarities, not just our children but a man we once loved with ferocity. He had a type and we saw it while laughing, communing, speaking and crying.

I ask that you let the shit go. Whatever is in you that is breaking you needs release. You might not get a chance to say it to another so allow yourself the surrendering to divinity. Truly let it all go.

And start loving all the parts that have made you whole…because you are precious and loving. Fly, darling! ~m.a.p.

You are Worthy

I want to tell you something that it’s hard for you to hear or accept: you are worthy. You are worthy of love. You are worthy of happiness. You are worthy of freedom. The shit you carry around, all those dark secrets that eat into your soul, attack your worth. You cannot go back in time no matter how much you power your thoughts. No matter how angry you get. No matter how much shame you hold. No matter who you blame. You cannot go back there. So stop sabotaging your future. Stop the insanity of negative self talk. Stop punishing your soul for all that has happened. What good is it bringing you? Your worth is a product of what you believe. You believe you are great…you will reach greatness. You believe you are lovable…you will find love. The monsters you carry around full of shame are stopping this moment and your future. No more hustling for your worth. Let it go. Find love. You are worth it.

Choose Your Journey Into Love

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I recently read Kerry Egan’s book, On Living. Egan is a hospice chaplain and her insightful stories of her patients and the things that are important in our life is magnificent. Actually that word is an understatement. I was glued to each word, paragraph and page. It made me gasp several times with awareness, heartache and joy. This little glimpse into ordinary lives, with extraordinary stories, will remind you why we are here and how not to take things for granted.

Having been around folks with dementia, terminal illnesses, dying individuals of all kinds, I understand that the transition from this world is always challenging. The five plus years of owning a motel/retreat center allowed me to visit with some incredible folks from all walks of life. I witnessed the essence of the human spirit. I noticed that every single person can have four basic experiences in those lonely moments when they know death is near: Regrets, Nostalgia, Fear, and Shame. I have witnessed it over and over. Life becomes a delicate dance with the unknown and time seems to never be on their side.

I’ve heard stories from family members, friends, and strangers. The dying, most times, isolate experiences in order to leave a legacy behind. They magnify events. They idolize others. They share secrets on their dying moments in hope of being released from shame and humiliation. They want to be heard and understood and forgiven. We all want to be acknowledged for our lives. At the end of the journey we want to know that we mattered. We want to believe we did the best we could without hurting our loved ones. We want to be loved. We want to know that someone will miss us because we were important.

Throughout the book the author takes you on a small voyage into the lives of some beautiful souls in her care. She shares her own shame and guilt from an experience that changed her life. She is able to take the reader through a mirage of emotions that is recognizable to all. I don’t care what your belief system entails, this book will touch a part of your truth and humanity.

The human spirit is absolutely beautiful. The things we hold and treasure; the events that change us; the things that bring us joy and sorrow; the greatest loves that touched us; the regrets for not moving past fear…and so on…create the composition of who we are. We, as spiritual beings, are created from a source so bright but we forget to shine. The things we hold inside are the things that keep us prisoners or in some cases allow us to fly freely. It all depends on the type of life you have lived.

I love this passage:

“What if the thing you consider to be your greatest accomplishment is not seen that way by anyone else? What if the thing you are proudest of is also the thing that you are most ashamed of? What if your great love is also your deepest secret?

People keep secrets in a desperate and often ultimately futile attempt to protect themselves or the people they love. They thing that the secret will be a bulwark against rejection and public humiliation, and so they carry it, no matter the weight. In so many cases, people keep secrets and even lie to each other out of love, and not malice.

What they may not realize is that in holding on so fiercely to what they see as shameful secrets, they’re actually strengthening that system of shame. Keeping a secret is like fertilizing a weed, and the family secrets that fertilize shame choke out love before it can even grow. The secrets themselves, instead of protecting anyone from shame, become a source of it instead. Shame is the enemy of love; it can never serve it.”

I read a lot of books, but this one touched me deeply. I love stories about the human spirit. I was inspired to reach into my own collective memories and find the stories from so many folks who have shared their journey with me. I feel a book being created.

May this new year allow you the freedom to let go of all that keeps you in a prison of emotional turmoil. May you find joy, wisdom, forgiveness and an exceptional amount of endless love. I see you…I feel you…I know a part of you because we are all interconnected through the Divine essence called Love.

See you on the other side. I love you!!!!

on-living

 

Magical Beginnings

Two lovers enter into an intimate conversation early on in their relationship:

He asks, “Are you afraid of falling in love?”

She answers, “Not with you.”

He asks, “Why’s that?”

She answers with a smile, “Cause I know you will catch me when I fall.”

 

There is something tender in allowing yourself to fall in love.  There is also something magical in knowing that the other person will not hurt you.  Love is not a power struggle, an ego booster, or a platform for ownership.  It is about letting go and allowing Spirit to perform its pursuit for the betterment of your heart’s desires.

This weekend I had the privilege to be among many friends.  Some of them have entered into new relationships.  They beam with energy, excitement, romance, and that mystical union of two people getting to know each other.   In both relationships I witnessed something that had never been there before…appreciation and admiration.  There is kindness, generosity and mutual respect.  Like a Tango dance, one needs the pull and pushing, the give and take, the seduction and the closeness all mixed into a rhythmic dance of divinity.  The hopeless romantic in me smiles with admiration at that harmonious partnership.

How many times have we passed on the idea of love or getting to know someone just to regret it later on?  How many times have we allowed ego to dictate our heart’s desires to then realize that the person was actually “The One?”  The past is a wilderness forest.  Many of us choose to stay there because of fear of the unknown.  We are afraid to move past the forest into the open spaces and allow the heart to guide us.  In that paralyzing fear of holding on to past events, we lose the chance to meet a counterpart of our divinity to be loved.  I find that it is in the most unpredictable moments, when you are finally free of the past, that the future gifts you with the magical beginnings of new love.

I always find the “falling in love” part easy.  It’s the staying in that place of vulnerability that is challenging.  Every day, as I meet more people entering into loving relationships, I believe I am attracting that energy into my own love life.  I refuse to settle for someone who cannot meet me half way in my heart’s yearnings.  I won’t compromise my self-love for anyone in the future.  It’s taken me too many years to repair and rebuild self-worth and love.   It has taken me a lifetime to realize that simplicity, kindness, intelligence, openness, and laughter are prerequisites for my soul mate.

That special “someone” will see me as a hippie chick, a deep romantic, and/or a trusting spirit.  However it is that I come across to him, I know that the falling in love part is the best drug in the world when shared with someone who has my best intention at heart. When it is easy, soft, appreciated and graceful there is no other place I would rather be.  The alternative of having him pass by is not an option any longer.  Ultimately, I know he will be there to catch me when I fall.

Silent Voice Within

I listen to the silence
shortly overpowered by
thoughts. It stops. It moves.

It comes and goes without obstruction.
The quietude of nothingness
gets distorted. I stop.
I swallow in the memories
that prickle and pain me

without recognizing their origin.
The chaos of it stops me
from continuing
the serene path of joy

while packing, clearing,

moving on to the next stage of life.
I pause, not erasing it all
or stopping the forces
but allowing the tears
to trickle gently down…and out.
Each one takes a little suffering
and then it all disappears.
I can breathe again. It hurts
no more,
no less,
not anything. I am back to me
with a wet smile on my face
and the honoring and gratitude
from my spirit
that this too shall pass

once and forever

when I stop holding

betrayal even while forgiving;

self-criticism even while accepting;

and grant the gift of unconditional love

for me

for once…

for all.

Freeing Through Forgiveness

freedom

Fear paralyzes us. It holds us captive and imprisons everything we know to be true. I read somewhere that without fear there is no courage. But when you are stricken by panic and despair it’s really difficult to see bravery. I woke this morning to the sound of a world waking up. My night engulfed me with terror and nightmares. Now, listening to the birds and life I realize that other life has no hold on me any longer. I cannot understand who I was then. I cannot relate to all the acceptance of abuse. The woman I am now has no clue how I lived in that fear for so long. I just don’t know why I didn’t move forward and abandoned it. I didn’t know better. I didn’t know how. I felt the aches and pains of loneliness and responsibilities. Shame and guilt lived simultaneously drowning me to an early grave. In the middle of the night I woke in a cold sweat. I gathered my thoughts, my tears, and desperately tried to control the running of my heart. I couldn’t breathe. And softly within minutes I heard the words, “Fear not! Fear is Forgiving Everything, Acknowledging Release.”

I am who I am because of each story inside of me. Each single event led me here. I have courage, tenacity, perseverance, and a forgiving heart. The conscious mind will replay these events during sleep to clear out old hurt, make aware of new patterns, and to let go of those things we don’t always remember. Our memories store everything. I move through days without knowing what is inside of my cellular memory…until I have a horrific night and I return to a place of pain, abuse, belittling, and no self-worth.

Aha! Moments are built on these principles. Just like that I have learned to release. And, just like that I will continue to move forward. Freedom is on the other side of thoughts. I have learned to shift my perception and thoughts during waking moments. Even through nightmares I am able to understand that I cannot be hurt.

May you always find the spark of courage that turns your darkness into sunlight. You are never alone in your struggles even when your Ego tells you otherwise. I believe the Divine speaks to us through sweet whispers if we are willing to listen with an open heart. Forgive and release all! It’s never worth the weight of carrying around on your shoulders something that serves of no purpose but to belittle you even more. Have a blessed day!