Coming Into the Light

I had a moment that lasted over 8 weeks. And, it turned into an ongoing sense of grief. Nothing, including meditation, allowed me to step outside of myself. No amount of nature seemed to help soothe me either. I was taking things one moment at a time.

I hid it for over 5 weeks pretty well. I thought! I began to slowly retrieve into aloneness. I began to use excuses to be with me. The demands of motherhood to young children at the age of 50 is daunting at times. I’ve been a mother for over 30 years. And it’s in middle age that I am consciously seeing the true work of parenting with its detrimental future outcomes. I can see how every choice and action affects these little ones. I have lived it from my older adult children.

I began having a giant pity party…which I loathe with a passion. I just couldn’t get out of it. I couldn’t figure out what was causing my deterioration. I could not talk myself into moving past it. I could barely even verbalize it. I continued showing up as happy, loving and supportive. I continued to spread love and inspiration on a daily basis but inside I was miserable. I was not me. I was someone I no longer recognized.

I had to stop. I had to breathe and stop pretending that I was “fine” when I wasn’t. And, I had to stop bulldozing myself into feeling better. I was actually contradicting the law of attraction because I was focusing on the lack of everything. And to me…this is unacceptable.

How could I cheerlead the world when my sadness was consuming me? I am really good at hiding shit when I don’t want to deal with pain. It’s my default programming.

But I went with it. I entered the dark night of the soul with a vengeance. In all Aries-woman fashion I gave it my all. Not a healthy suggestion for anyone (I promise it’s not for sissies). I wanted no help. I demanded seclusion. I expected the world to just know this, accept it, and conform to it.

I am grateful for the love and support around me. I don’t know how my seclusion has affected those in my small circle. And to be honest, I just couldn’t deal with those extra emotional concerns. Luckily I have some incredible friends who honored my wishes. They listened to the silence and the in-between aches. They knew my soul needed to just be.

I started a new job which is physically demanding while putting on hold my dreams of working for myself being an Intuitive Life Coach and Story Tender. I have a new schedule which has taken adjustments. Relationships around me began to crumble because of my lack of time and attention. And, there have been other components that added to the sadness. Many other revelations that I’ve avoided for decades. I began to notice how I allowed disrespect in many areas of my life. This was not really new but I had become tolerant to it. The truth is that what we resist does persist. No way around it but through it.

I was spending too much time apologizing to others for not being available which then angered me for having to use my little reserved energy in reassuring others. It began to take its toll on me. It was a lot!

I also felt ashamed and guilty. I couldn’t deal with the complexities of being “selfish” with my me-time. I couldn’t understand why I was living Groundhog Day every single day. What was I manifesting by my emotions? What was I putting out there energetically? So I began to question the universe about everything, but I refused to wait for answers. Once again, all in Aries style!

I learned something invaluable: I had to make my world tiny and take care of every single need that required my attention. I needed to take care of me for once. And every time I would venture to help someone I would get sick. My body felt physically ill by the extra output. This has been new territory of exploration. I had to learn to be compassionate with myself first and foremost. I had to learn to give to myself in the same loving manner I give to others.

Things began to unravel in ways that had gone unnoticed beforehand. I began to see. Really witnessing what needed addressing and changes in my life. The outside distractions weren’t there to filter these events and situations.

I began to understand that I am a wizard at avoiding hard experiences. I began to accept I needed to address old traumas. I started to take things apart and re-examine them like a forensic psychologist. I dove into my psyche during lunch hours. I began to see things differently. I don’t think I’ve ever done such deep work with myself (by myself). Who wants to have to address stinky old crap? I tend to move forward and not dwell back there. I took calculated analysis of the how’s and why’s while turning them into powerful lessons. The deeper I walked into the dark forest the harder it was to turn around and find the exit…so I kept going….

Hardly sleeping. Barely eating. Not much writing (which is therapy for me). I just decided to put on a costume of joy for the 8 hours at work and then take it off when I was home. It required intense energy and concentration. It has been quite the existential adventure. I’ve walked with faith holding on to a thread of hope…that I could muster through the muck. I wanted to know where God had been through all of it.

(He was always there. The Divine is mysterious but we must take time to listen).

This is the epitome of self-care. If you must recluse do it without explanations. Our society has programmed us to be at everyone’s beg and call. Technology makes it so. We feel guilty for not answering the calls, emails, and messages. We underestimate our desires for aloneness and healing. The truth is that we don’t owe anyone anything. We are responsible for our emotions alone. I cannot help anyone else when I’m barely making it throughout my day. And yes, we have folks who count on us. Those need to be taken into account but the rest of the world can wait a bit. You need to take care of you. You need to put the oxygen mask on first in order to help those next you.

I can only lead myself in and out of the journey. I can share with you my stories, but I cannot tell you what you should do. You, alone, get to decide how you heal from hurt and traumas. You get to put on your armor and figure out when it’s time to fight the demons from the past.

Self-care is self-love. I felt it was not so much a need as much as a survival necessity. There were moments I would check out emotionally and my spiritual body would begin to slowly realign. I recognized that depression was definitely trying to teach me something about me. It was getting my attention and I was going to listen.

It’s been a powerful few months. Pretending was a facade I could no longer continue. Weeks off social media helped me focus on so many things. The moment I began to deal with years of denial and loss I began to take on a new outlook. I began to write letters to the universe for clarity and forgiveness. I began to see my way out of the thick and dark wilderness. I began to stop questioning my purpose and find the depth of passion for living.

Because there is purpose. There is magic. There is light. There is love. There is connection. There are so many reasons to live for on a daily basis.

May your real life be as wonderful as the one you live on social media because you deserve happiness. Vulnerability is not weakness. It’s actual authenticity. Speaking your truth to those around you is imperative. You deserve to be the best version of yourself for yourself and not just for the world to witness. You deserve to be raw and unapologetic for all that you feel.

I love you. Thank you for sticking around here. I am slowly returning but without the tolerance for fake facades. This is me unapologetic. To pretend to be anything else is total bullshit. I promise to always be as real as I can be without static. I promise to keep showing up and provide a spec of light on a daily basis through this form of gathering.

Now you…get out there and shine. Let’s be lotus flowers emerging from the depth of muck and darkness into a new dawn.

Awakening to the Essence of Love

awakening

I have been walking a spiritual path for some time now.  It is not always easy to walk on faith without being able to see the end result.  Some time ago when I left my “old life” of the city to move to the mountains of North Carolina, I felt a shift in consciousness. I awoke through unconditional love and forgiving myself for the choices I made in the past.  I began to hold myself accountable for those lessons and experiences rather than blaming others.  Once I forgave myself it was easy to forgive those characters who played in my stories.

I consciously made a clear intention that I was going to embrace the love for life.  Awakening, to me, is just the allowance of being present in the evolution of life.  There is nothing more or less to it.  It is about being present through the journey. We are to wake up and expect nothing.  That is the beauty in it and the simplicity of allowance.  We hear about waking up or enlightenment and think we will walk on water or fly on air.  The reality of waking is to exceed the dream state, the matrix of expectation.  One sees the world as it is, not how our perception creates it.  Things just are.  The dream dematerializes, vanishing into sleep.  The illusion of control, law and science melts because life just is.  This moment is the only thing available.  There is no need for fear because all there is has been presented to you.  Because there is no past and no future, life exists as the path on a mystical journey.

Awakening is relinquishing ego and fully understanding what the great masters understood.  No thought can go beyond here.  No thought can go back.  One lives the texture, minute, tastes, smells and words in the experience of the moment.  That’s the enchantment of awakening to a life of Spirit.  It is never easy to walk on faith.  There is a “knowing” in the process of releasing all.  This knowing is the direct alignment of presence.  It is the direct voice of God and Spirit guiding you without anxiety, apprehension, ignorance, doubt and fear.  Those emotions vanish.  In waking they can’t exist because there is no need to control the future, or regrets in changing the past.  One arrives to this moment via the Karmic train of letting the universe guide you through your highest consciousness.

We interpret faith as a release and an allowance of quantum energy not seen, not known, but allowed.  Awakening is not work.  It is the opposite of resistance.  It is not manipulation.  No one can translate it and try to teach “awakening.”  That’s ego teaching.  Spirit can guide you but can’t physically show you.  When one is ready one travels and awakes at the perfect moment. This might be as a child, an adult or on the last breath in this life.  “Letting go, and letting God” is the perfect example of this theory.   I believe that through daily spiritual practice, whether it is through meditation, prayer, yoga, hiking, writing (to name a few), the process of authentic truth arrives.  It is then that the awareness of the NOW becomes the awakening catalyst.

Complications and situations in our lives are the components of our humanity.  Humanness is weaved between reality and the esoteric world.  We are all interconnected.  The one way to release our perception is to completely let go from the heart.  Love is all there is.  Allowing the love to flow through life will present a vacated spot inside where there was once emptiness.  That’s another part of the awakening process: allowing love to unite each person.  No hurt can exist when there is only love.  There is no emptiness to fill if there is no desire to exceed wants and needs.  Expectation is the ego’s way of assuming control.

Awakening doesn’t require you to withdraw from the world.  It requires you to withdraw from your ego.  Once awakened you don’t need to avoid humanity.  One becomes even more compassionate without the ratifications of others to penetrate.  One cannot stop ignoring divinity inside which is your essence moving outward.  This is the gift of awakening.  It is a choice.  It is freewill.  It will come if one renounces the old paradigms and beliefs.  Stopping the presence of love is the state one lives in when not awakened.  Love is not to be held, controlled or withheld.  It is the ongoing energy of the universe.  It is all there is.  There is no need to go to a monastery, or escape the real world to reach this state of openness.  Ultimately the only reason we have been placed on this beautiful planet is to live, love and learn from one another.  And, this is perhaps the truth in fully awakening through love.

Letting go of old

oneness

Hello dear sweet friends. I wanted to share something I have been seeing from so many of you. I keep hearing of major life changes, de-cluttering, transformations, and the shift of paradigms and beliefs.

A small death has taken place inside of me (and many of you as well). I don’t know when it has happened in the past 12 months but it did. I believe it was a gradual demising. I don’t think it was suddenly because I would have noticed. I hate to label it as the “death of ego” but all that it entails has allowed me to surrender and feel comfortable in my own skin, in my choices of life, and the decisions I am making for the future. I am letting go of so much these days. It isn’t just the material world, it’s also the need to make sure everything and everyone around me is okay. I don’t have the passion to fix anyone just so I don’t see their hurt. No one is broken. No one needs fixing. I am only responsible for me.
I can see the profound expansion of lessons throughout others. I see it in their eyes, their touch, and their silence and I am able to sit with them. I am able to get angry and allow the emotions to come out in a healthy way in my own life.. I am able to laugh uncontrollably and feel orgasmic joy for an entire day. I keep meeting folks who are also transitioning into the death of ego and the illusion of social self-worth expectations. It’s magical. I don’t quite know what’s going on with this mass conscious shift but I am enjoying the journey. I am not alone. This makes it even more precious!

I love the conscious birth of acceptance. I love how being present is by far the most amazing form of BEing. I love how I can now sit and watch nature for a long time without the need to do anything else. I love how I have given myself permission to rest. I love how I don’t have to expect things to just fall quickly. I am learning that patience is not so much a virtue but a reality of living this moment. I am embracing faith and the Oneness of the universe. I am allowing my thoughts to move through and not obsessing over every single thing the mind insists on entertaining. The ego is a mastermind in manipulation. I am deeply aware now when it starts the drama. There are days it requires more attention and I am allowing those to come and go with much closure. I will never be empty of all. I am learning that this is also part of the journey.

This death of ego-self is unrecognizable to anyone else. I am certain others don’t see the change, like when I lose or gain weight. Or when I color or cut my hair. Or even when I wear make-up. The death of my egotism is not noticed because it’s subtle. There is a lack of judgment. People know they can share something with me because I am not here to judge them. But they don’t see that as the death of my old self. This type of death is best describe as a true awakening from the illusion of reality. And, I am grateful to have so many others, such magnificent like-minded brothers and sisters who are in these moment of transcending from what we see and where we are going to end up. We need each other. We don’t need the constant ego-chit-chat but we do need to love one another in a way that allows the universe to heal.
Thank you! You are not alone on this journey. I see you. I feel you. I love you!

A Mother’s Presence

morning hike

My mother has been very present in my thoughts since yesterday. My youngest daughter and I went to the movies during the day. At some point she said something about her grandmother. Soon after synchronicity visited and a trail of memories came to stay a while. My mother was in the car next to us at a light, up the mountain looking at the cows, picking flowers on a farm, at the gas station, and in the car with us singing. My mother was there. I smelled her, felt her, and sensed her soul like I haven’t in a long time. There were moments yesterday that took my breath away with her touch.

I was the baby of the family. My sisters are 15 years and 24 years my senior. But, I wasn’t the baby. I was the one who took the risks, the incredible challenges without thinking and proceeded to paint way outside of the lines. I was an easy child and a difficult one simultaneously. I was submissive and passive aggressive. I was, to all accounts, impossible to figure out from one minute to another although I seemed predictable until I wasn’t. My mother did everything to control and break me down into “normal” causing anxiety and fears beyond what any teenager should experience. But, she was an amazing woman of courage and strength and having a child alone at 44 was definitely not an easy task in a Latin country in the late 60’s. There was no “free love” movement over there. There were social statuses and rules and many issues that could have pushed her over the edge. I don’t know how she did it. She did. I am here. And yesterday she was with me.

As I am transitioning into a new journey I am reminded that loved ones guide us constantly…even when they aren’t physically here. I know this…I see it iperiwinklen others all the time. It’s rare that I see the visitors for myself. I would love to get the beautiful messages loved ones give to them through me. I get them in dreams. Yesterday my mother’s presence allowed me to reach over the realm and thank her. I spoke with her last night before sleep. I asked her to show me the path in the most gentle way. It’s been a rough month.  It’s been an emotional one full of tugging and pulling and pushing trying to find purpose.  It’s just been challenging.  But, this morning on a hike my mother guided me with love. I saw her favorite flower that I have not seen in these mountains. I smiled, tears forming in my spirit, and briefly thanked her.  I watched the blanket of clouds engulfing the land and I knew she was there witnessing it all.

We all have these moments and the ability to speak with our departed ones. I have no magic trick. I have no special gift. What I do have is the acceptance, awareness, and mindfulness that we are never alone. We are always being guided by Spirit, God, Angels, and Teachers from beyond. I have the willingness to sit in silence and feel the presence of Universal Love extend through the veil of reality. If you are honest with your intuition you know you’ve felt it through a gentle touch when no one was there, or smelled a favorite flower or food, or even heard a whisper. It’s comforting to know we are never far from the comfort of our loved ones. It’s the best feeling of compassion and love there is.

Thanks, Mami, for your gift yesterday and today! It’s been a long time….glad you found me in the mountains. Te adoro muchisimo!