You are Worthy

I want to tell you something that it’s hard for you to hear or accept: you are worthy. You are worthy of love. You are worthy of happiness. You are worthy of freedom. The shit you carry around, all those dark secrets that eat into your soul, attack your worth. You cannot go back in time no matter how much you power your thoughts. No matter how angry you get. No matter how much shame you hold. No matter who you blame. You cannot go back there. So stop sabotaging your future. Stop the insanity of negative self talk. Stop punishing your soul for all that has happened. What good is it bringing you? Your worth is a product of what you believe. You believe you are great…you will reach greatness. You believe you are lovable…you will find love. The monsters you carry around full of shame are stopping this moment and your future. No more hustling for your worth. Let it go. Find love. You are worth it.

Recharging

 

Tranquility

Something happened as of late…I hit an emotional and spiritual wall which affected my physical health. I felt it and I disregarded it. I have gotten better at detecting these moments, but I still ignored it. I woke a few days ago in a panic…exhausted to the bone and with an unwillingness to move. I couldn’t meditate (and this is huge for me). I recognized it then.

The knowing.
The guidance.
The red flag.
I listened and took it seriously. I am too old to ignore this. In the past it would cause me to end up in the hospital.
I kept hearing for weeks that I was “off” somehow. I felt it as well. So, I have moved into the mysteries and investigation of finding out what is “off” with me. Mary Poppins has vacated the premises. The PollyAnna sweetheart is MIA. It’s not that I’m short or nasty. It’s not that I’m unhappy. But, my frequency has shifted and I am tired. I cannot entertain one single thing.
I need a break from the world.
This week I’ve cancelled all appointments other than going to work. I cannot do anything else afterwards. I have been at this go-go-go schedule for months now. I have to take inventory of my spiritual guidance and emotional necessities.
There is such a thing as doing too much. There are repercussions for those actions. I refuse to bulldoze over my soul’s needs for one more week, one more day, or one more hour. It’s yelling for attention!
I listen. I am listening.
It’s in this magical space of detachment that I find the answers. It’s in the afternoons before my husband and child arrive that I can clear my energy and find bliss in sitting outside, listening to the birds…or going into my meditation room and sitting in quietude.
I need my time to create my own magic.
We all need space for recharging. We need sacredness. We need reflecting and allowing for answers to visit. We also need to crumble down the things inside that are asking for egotistical answers. The past calls, but you do not have to answer!
May you have a peaceful week! May you enjoy your time alone, or with others, but remember to honor your spirit. Go play. Go be in joy. You need it. We all do.
I love you…~m.a.p.

The Ego is a Lunatic

Why do we sometimes allow spirituality to take a backseat? Why do we ignore the soul’s desire to spend quiet time alone? We start placing others’ needs before our very own.

I had forgotten what it was to live in that hectic pace until recently. I have to remember not to compromise my spiritual needs over the physical ones. I have to remind myself that the discomfort of certain things lately is all a matter of perception. Nothing is real but how I observe and own it.

I feel that the reason we forget to take time to contemplate is that we think it isn’t necessary every day. We can perhaps squeeze that time in the shower, driving, or right before sleeping. Spiritual nurturing requires time and effort just like physical work, career, family catering and entertainment.

Spirituality is the center of the soul. When we avoid those moments of centering, we are doing a huge injustice to ourselves. We become imbalanced.

What can possibly require us to avoid quiet time? Avoidance. Fear.

Fear of the unknown, anxiety, and the ego fighting the endless battle of narcissism create scenarios that don’t really exist. Finding a place, making a small space, or even just stopping for five minutes allows the spirit to center itself. Nothing is that important that we cannot meet the needs of our spirit to be still. NOTHING! Believe me that when the soul asks, you need to listen.

I have forgotten this with so much going on. The constant irritation of trying to make more time has reminded me to breathe and meditate right now. There is no appointment. Things cannot be postponed. My physical body has been calling for it through exhaustion. I am not ignoring it. I cannot handle the pain and move forward to stillness through avoidance. I know my stubbornness gets in the way of my spiritual growth like a mosquito attacking me in every direction. It’s incredible how something so small and annoying can get the blood boiling. But just like a mosquito, I can choose to slap it away. Silence, meditation, prayer, hiking, yoga…whatever you can find to escape the ego, is necessary for balance and harmony. Ego will keep you busy with shit that is unimportant. I promise. Shut it down. The soul needs to recharge and find stillness. It’s not just during sleep. Spirit needs to find connection with the universe during waking hours as well.

May you find a space that can bring you to inner peace. Pausing throughout the day (many times if needed) brings my spirit to a place of awareness, serenity, and self love. My humanness and relationship with others is enriched by the conscious connection with Divinity. It just takes one step in front of the other and deep breaths…then I find God echoing through all of me.

Answers come when we let go and make room for them. While we try to control the outcome we cannot hear. The only way is to step out of the mind and be led through the essence of my heart. In that space is where truth lies for me!

Energy We Carry

Four years ago I had a near-death experience. My soul left my body for a short time in the hospital. It went to a place of complete bliss and love. It went to Source. The days and weeks that followed my return were filled with magic. Time stopped in a way that the logical mind couldn’t explain…24 hours seemed like weeks. I was here but I wasn’t. Every morning, for months, I wrestled with my soul to not go off elsewhere. I had to pull my essence to stay in my physical body. I would wake trying to find grounding. It was intense and lovely. It allowed me to witnessed the world in a deeper conscious level. I doubt I will ever be able to describe the thoughts or experiences fully. There are no adjective or words that can do justice.

I couldn’t be around too many people. I couldn’t deal with all the energy that surrounds us. I was constantly trying to honor the softness of me. I was fragile. Oh my gosh…I was fragile and strong and so many things all at once. I felt the earth beating and expanding. I could hear colors without seeing them. Because of this ultra openness and sensitivity, I asked folks who visited me to please be responsible for how they showed up. I began to see the human struggle of ego and spirit in everyone. It was daunting and heartbreaking. So I opted to stay in solitude for as long as I could.

My husband (then fiancé) was afraid I would take my life. I had changed. I returned into my body that day with a vulnerability that had never been in me. It passed with every month. I needed to become human again. But those first few months after that winter day were the most mystical moments of my spiritual life. I saw the world through clear lenses removing all ego. And it was exquisite. It was also frightening to be in this world feeling the hate and brokenness. I was overwhelmed with every single extra noise and energy that visited.

I brought back gifts from there. THERE…a place that has so many labels and names. A place that is beyond this galaxy. I share this because we walk around not acknowledging our energy in the presence of others. It’s imperative you always take responsibility of how you show up, especially when in the presence of someone who is ill, or dying. They feel you before you are even there. They are opened to so much as they have one foot here and the other in that other world. Be kind. Be gentle with your soul and respect other people’s spaces.

It takes full awareness to recognize energy. Let’s work on raising it together so we can make massive changes in our world. ~m.a.p.

New Beginnings

new beginnings

I take the month of April as a time to celebrate. All 30 days honor as my birthday. On April 1st, I lost one of my sweet elderly clients. I loved him dearly. Although he was in hospice care, I didn’t expect his departure. On April 3rd, I lost a family member who died way too young, leaving three young girls. Yesterday I visited a brand new baby at the hospital who will be adopted by a beautiful couple. She was born from a crack addict who abandoned her as soon as she could leave. Holding her in my arms completed the circle of life. As two souls left this world, this little one came in fighting for her existence. Life is fluid and magical. I left the hospital celebrating it all…the losses and the gains. All three cases are heartbreaking and require emotional acknowledgment.  All three souls touched me in deep ways. I keep hearing the pain out there but I also keep rejoicing the healing and love.

A week ago my husband and I made another difficult decision. We will be taking on another child who needs a loving home. We will love him with the same ferocity and acknowledgment that we’ve given to others. I will be 50 years old in two weeks. It’s not an easy decision but it is the right one. He sat across from me and shared that “Batman never questioned or ignored his bat signals. He armored up and went to the call….” In this case he is Batman…and I am his side kick (yours truly). We will answer the call and provide the superpower of love.
I suspect this is going to be one of the most intensely surprising April’s. We leave in two weeks to Machu Picchu on a spiritual journey of sorts. It’s been calling for me for some time. And, we need this before re-entering another phase of parenting. I sat across from him and said, “Darling, this is not my first rodeo. This will be number 8. I know how this works.  This is number 2 for you. I know you will continue to be magnificent in your role….” So, Peru will be healing and full of mystical surprises.  My spiritual guides have been preparing me for some incredible experiences there.
I feel it’s time to recharge and return to the origins of me. It’s hard to define that. It involves faith, grace, and acceptance. I suspect that something is emerging and it’s lovely on so many levels.  I am open to the expedition of self. It is spring after all…regrowth and newness.
I urge you to make decisions without worrying about how others will react. I ask that you live fully and love openly. Life is fragile and beautiful. You get to decide how you choose to live it. You never know what’s around the corner even when you think you have it all figured out. I look forward to my journeys…the trip and another round of motherhood. For months I was living with panic attacks and anxiety during the night. I couldn’t figure out why. My soul knew of the changes. I resisted unknowingly in my human form. Once it showed up I was able to return to peace. And here we are…today is beyond lovely. Our little boy will be arriving to a home full of joy and love.
I want that for you as well….joy and love. Over and over again. I love you.

The Compass

road-sun-rays-path

Yesterday I had a huge challenge appear in my path. I was expecting it for some time. I knew it would cause a halt on the journey or at least a major detour. But, like all things when it finally appears you are frazzled by its presence. The knowing doesn’t even matter. It becomes a void of doubt, shame and guilt. Immediately I sat back and took a deep breath. The first person I could think of reaching out was my husband and I knew what he would say. He’s my husband. He would want me to do whatever felt right for me. The second person was my eldest son. At almost 30, he is wise beyond his years. We were both working so I texted him briefly. I gave him the condensed version.

I asked him to please answer what I should do without me being his mother. I wanted his honest answer without thinking of me as this woman who thinks she needs to save the world. He came back with a quick long answer. Immediately he took a step out of the family circle and answered the question without a single sense of being my son. He was a man. His opinions were defined by how he’s been raised. After his answer I asked him to then remember I was his mother.

He paused. I could see the (…) dancing on the screen. And then he answered with such love and compassion that I broke into a pool of tears. He asked me to stop. He asked me to also follow my heart. He asked me to go into my sacred space and ask for divine wisdom, but to please take my heart and hold it in my hands, caressing it and loving it the way I love him and others.

My son showed up as a compassionate and amazing guru and I forgot all about the dilemma/life changing event that had appeared in my path. The lesson turned into something magnificent and delightful. I needed the reminder. I had to truly get back on the right path.

He thanked me for teaching him to step back and look before reacting, reminding me that I forget myself along the way. I forget to count myself as a blessing. Hours later he called me to make sure I was okay and I thanked him through sobs. I told him that he had saved me from taking a detour into the thickness of a dark forest.

In the end…that is all we want. We want someone to be our compass when we get lost. Mostly we want to know that another soul understands us so well that we don’t have to feel along when hardships show up.

Have a beautiful day!

Time is in Your Favor

holding time

It’s the middle of February. Already! I don’t quite know how things are happening so fast. We are emotionally and spiritually spinning in giant vortexes. Friday night I didn’t sleep. I was in and out of meditation most of the night…swirling up and down and all around the universe. I was feeling the universal forces in motion and it felt like my heart was going to give out. Not a good feeling for an empath.

It feels as if timelines are collapsing. Every day I hear of another suicide close to me, or someone six degrees from me. The bodies and minds can’t take the changes. It’s okay to not have the answers. It is NOT okay to give up without trying to reach out. I work in mental health and I am experiencing a higher degree of de-fragments. I am witnessing emotions dictating actions and creating deadly reactions.
I wish I could say I am sleeping well. I am not. I am moving from one timeline into another. My night activities are as chaotic as the waking day time ones. I’ve concluded that even through meditation I cannot slow down the times. They aren’t suppose to be slowed down because we are shifting and it’s part of mass consciousness upgrades. Discomfort pushes growth.
But what are we being pushed into?
I don’t know but when I go into the space of love and peace…when I enter sacredness I see a different world. I can hear John Lennon’s song, “Imagine” in my heart. And this, darlings, is what I feel is the pushing. Things are changing, especially when you detach from the news and media. You will find just by looking around your tribe and circles that we are returning to authenticity and truth.
I urge you to be gentle with yourself. Old traumas and programming are coming up. We are being asked to clear the things that are toxic in our lives. We are required to cut cords of things that cause us pain. We are being redirected to notice what sets our desires on fire: creativity, travel, gathering with like-minded folks, family, nature, spirituality and so much more. It’s no wonder we are being stripped of hurt, shame and guilt.
Our lives are changing. Technology has clearly forced us to live at a faster pace but it can also be utilized to slow down. You do not have to depend on it for every little thing. If the phone rings, you don’t have to answer. The emails and texts can wait. Social media doesn’t have to be touched all day long. We have become slaved to the things we complain about…too much stimuli.
What’s happening OUT THERE is also being felt immensely in here. Politics, religion, and everything else is keeping you in a prison of mind control. You are being given what to think and digest instead of you searching for what you really want in life.
So, once again…I am retrieving for a bit. I am experiencing a lot of chaos around me. The external noises are as loud as the ones I visit at night in sleep or meditation. Something has to be done to slow it down. I write everyday and I feel I need to return to journaling and the simplicity of pen and paper. I find that in times of real healing and release it is the pen that shows me truth. It never fails since I was a little girl.
Find your center core. Time is in your favor…you get to decide how you move through these challenging times. Bring love and forgiveness to it. Let go of old should’ves and could’ves. You are here for a reason and it isn’t to punish yourself for past experiences. It isn’t to torture your soul for sins that pushed you to grow. Let that go and allow the new you emerge in peace. But, please, if you can’t find someone to talk to I am here. Email me…I will check periodically dharma.1111@hotmail.com.
I love you…
Millie