New Beginnings

new beginnings

I take the month of April as a time to celebrate. All 30 days honor as my birthday. On April 1st, I lost one of my sweet elderly clients. I loved him dearly. Although he was in hospice care, I didn’t expect his departure. On April 3rd, I lost a family member who died way too young, leaving three young girls. Yesterday I visited a brand new baby at the hospital who will be adopted by a beautiful couple. She was born from a crack addict who abandoned her as soon as she could leave. Holding her in my arms completed the circle of life. As two souls left this world, this little one came in fighting for her existence. Life is fluid and magical. I left the hospital celebrating it all…the losses and the gains. All three cases are heartbreaking and require emotional acknowledgment.  All three souls touched me in deep ways. I keep hearing the pain out there but I also keep rejoicing the healing and love.

A week ago my husband and I made another difficult decision. We will be taking on another child who needs a loving home. We will love him with the same ferocity and acknowledgment that we’ve given to others. I will be 50 years old in two weeks. It’s not an easy decision but it is the right one. He sat across from me and shared that “Batman never questioned or ignored his bat signals. He armored up and went to the call….” In this case he is Batman…and I am his side kick (yours truly). We will answer the call and provide the superpower of love.
I suspect this is going to be one of the most intensely surprising April’s. We leave in two weeks to Machu Picchu on a spiritual journey of sorts. It’s been calling for me for some time. And, we need this before re-entering another phase of parenting. I sat across from him and said, “Darling, this is not my first rodeo. This will be number 8. I know how this works.  This is number 2 for you. I know you will continue to be magnificent in your role….” So, Peru will be healing and full of mystical surprises.  My spiritual guides have been preparing me for some incredible experiences there.
I feel it’s time to recharge and return to the origins of me. It’s hard to define that. It involves faith, grace, and acceptance. I suspect that something is emerging and it’s lovely on so many levels.  I am open to the expedition of self. It is spring after all…regrowth and newness.
I urge you to make decisions without worrying about how others will react. I ask that you live fully and love openly. Life is fragile and beautiful. You get to decide how you choose to live it. You never know what’s around the corner even when you think you have it all figured out. I look forward to my journeys…the trip and another round of motherhood. For months I was living with panic attacks and anxiety during the night. I couldn’t figure out why. My soul knew of the changes. I resisted unknowingly in my human form. Once it showed up I was able to return to peace. And here we are…today is beyond lovely. Our little boy will be arriving to a home full of joy and love.
I want that for you as well….joy and love. Over and over again. I love you.
Advertisements

The Compass

road-sun-rays-path

Yesterday I had a huge challenge appear in my path. I was expecting it for some time. I knew it would cause a halt on the journey or at least a major detour. But, like all things when it finally appears you are frazzled by its presence. The knowing doesn’t even matter. It becomes a void of doubt, shame and guilt. Immediately I sat back and took a deep breath. The first person I could think of reaching out was my husband and I knew what he would say. He’s my husband. He would want me to do whatever felt right for me. The second person was my eldest son. At almost 30, he is wise beyond his years. We were both working so I texted him briefly. I gave him the condensed version.

I asked him to please answer what I should do without me being his mother. I wanted his honest answer without thinking of me as this woman who thinks she needs to save the world. He came back with a quick long answer. Immediately he took a step out of the family circle and answered the question without a single sense of being my son. He was a man. His opinions were defined by how he’s been raised. After his answer I asked him to then remember I was his mother.

He paused. I could see the (…) dancing on the screen. And then he answered with such love and compassion that I broke into a pool of tears. He asked me to stop. He asked me to also follow my heart. He asked me to go into my sacred space and ask for divine wisdom, but to please take my heart and hold it in my hands, caressing it and loving it the way I love him and others.

My son showed up as a compassionate and amazing guru and I forgot all about the dilemma/life changing event that had appeared in my path. The lesson turned into something magnificent and delightful. I needed the reminder. I had to truly get back on the right path.

He thanked me for teaching him to step back and look before reacting, reminding me that I forget myself along the way. I forget to count myself as a blessing. Hours later he called me to make sure I was okay and I thanked him through sobs. I told him that he had saved me from taking a detour into the thickness of a dark forest.

In the end…that is all we want. We want someone to be our compass when we get lost. Mostly we want to know that another soul understands us so well that we don’t have to feel along when hardships show up.

Have a beautiful day!

Time is in Your Favor

holding time

It’s the middle of February. Already! I don’t quite know how things are happening so fast. We are emotionally and spiritually spinning in giant vortexes. Friday night I didn’t sleep. I was in and out of meditation most of the night…swirling up and down and all around the universe. I was feeling the universal forces in motion and it felt like my heart was going to give out. Not a good feeling for an empath.

It feels as if timelines are collapsing. Every day I hear of another suicide close to me, or someone six degrees from me. The bodies and minds can’t take the changes. It’s okay to not have the answers. It is NOT okay to give up without trying to reach out. I work in mental health and I am experiencing a higher degree of de-fragments. I am witnessing emotions dictating actions and creating deadly reactions.
I wish I could say I am sleeping well. I am not. I am moving from one timeline into another. My night activities are as chaotic as the waking day time ones. I’ve concluded that even through meditation I cannot slow down the times. They aren’t suppose to be slowed down because we are shifting and it’s part of mass consciousness upgrades. Discomfort pushes growth.
But what are we being pushed into?
I don’t know but when I go into the space of love and peace…when I enter sacredness I see a different world. I can hear John Lennon’s song, “Imagine” in my heart. And this, darlings, is what I feel is the pushing. Things are changing, especially when you detach from the news and media. You will find just by looking around your tribe and circles that we are returning to authenticity and truth.
I urge you to be gentle with yourself. Old traumas and programming are coming up. We are being asked to clear the things that are toxic in our lives. We are required to cut cords of things that cause us pain. We are being redirected to notice what sets our desires on fire: creativity, travel, gathering with like-minded folks, family, nature, spirituality and so much more. It’s no wonder we are being stripped of hurt, shame and guilt.
Our lives are changing. Technology has clearly forced us to live at a faster pace but it can also be utilized to slow down. You do not have to depend on it for every little thing. If the phone rings, you don’t have to answer. The emails and texts can wait. Social media doesn’t have to be touched all day long. We have become slaved to the things we complain about…too much stimuli.
What’s happening OUT THERE is also being felt immensely in here. Politics, religion, and everything else is keeping you in a prison of mind control. You are being given what to think and digest instead of you searching for what you really want in life.
So, once again…I am retrieving for a bit. I am experiencing a lot of chaos around me. The external noises are as loud as the ones I visit at night in sleep or meditation. Something has to be done to slow it down. I write everyday and I feel I need to return to journaling and the simplicity of pen and paper. I find that in times of real healing and release it is the pen that shows me truth. It never fails since I was a little girl.
Find your center core. Time is in your favor…you get to decide how you move through these challenging times. Bring love and forgiveness to it. Let go of old should’ves and could’ves. You are here for a reason and it isn’t to punish yourself for past experiences. It isn’t to torture your soul for sins that pushed you to grow. Let that go and allow the new you emerge in peace. But, please, if you can’t find someone to talk to I am here. Email me…I will check periodically dharma.1111@hotmail.com.
I love you…
Millie

Speaking Truth

I have had time to process this past weekend’s retreat experience. I suspect that within all the intense energies swirling lately I will be processing even deeper. I have released something powerful. Magical doesn’t begin to describe it.

Truth.

Spirituality is birthed through it. We are awakened by it. We are created to honor it. We expand in its presence.

I’ve spoken truth. Painful as it was I said it out loud. It was received without judgement. It was held in another person’s hands full of forgiveness and divine love. My heart felt the brokenness receive light through small actions of pure love and acceptance.

Cause…I’ve lied and cheated and participated in some sinful human experiences. I have carried it for decades searching for redemption. We all make mistakes, especially when you are young. Unfortunately, in the same intensity and depth of passion that I love I also, tenaciously, hold myself accountable. Passionately loathing things I’ve done while feeling that I’ve hurt another. I didn’t even realize the punishment I was doing to myself. Such horrific injustice wasting nights creating stories on how to ask for forgiveness. I wasn’t aware of the weight. Passion carries through everything I do so it’s painful when the energy is toxic, stagnant and sabotaging to my soul. Cellular memories hold things forever until we truly let go completely.

I starts with truth.

Releasing and forgiveness are powerful. I had been able to surrender so much in my life. But there was one thing that no matter how much I tried, how much therapy I got, or how many letters I wrote would not let go. I required those secrets to be faced in person.

My passionate heart needed to be holding that person in front of me. I needed to look into her eyes and say the words out loud. I needed to feel her. Even if she didn’t resonate with me I needed to take accountability for my actions. I needed to say, “I am sorry. I am deeply sorry for hurting you….”

I am blessed to have had the most cathartic and healing experience ever. Let’s face it we are our own worst enemy. We harbor shame and guilt while feeding it with self loathing. Most often it’s done in a subconscious level. We aren’t even aware of it until something brings it up. And then again we harbor the pain, unable to let it go. We return to memories like a time machine but unable to make changes for those experiences (the same experiences that provided growth).

Forgiveness is not just for another. It is for the self. In the process of asking for it we are surrendering to spirit. We are allowing the universe to sacredly create holiness through those experiences. Every action brings with it a reaction. In truth we are recreating from love.

The stories we create are painful. This is why sharing with full vulnerability is healing. The moment we speak up the darkness and shame loses power.

This weekend I was among angels. I was exposed to love and forgiveness through stories. So I ask you to please make amends with your past. Find a way to do it through a letter, a touch, or however your soul asks. Just do it! Don’t keep putting it off.

Once truth comes out you will ask yourself why you waited so long? You will feel a sense of remorse for not letting it go sooner. And you will laugh. Because that will begin to also help heal those raw wounds. Joy will replace guilt in no time.

We don’t have to be present in front of the ones we’ve hurt but it sure helps when the person is there to hear it.

Thank you, my dear sweet woman. You know who you are. You have allowed me to see me completely while seeing you. You allowed me to witness my own reflection in the love you have returned. I am able to feel love that I rejected because I thought I was not a good person. In your immense faith I, too, have acquired more. I love you. I love me. And in the process I love us.

Give of Yourself

in the now

 

I was in a store right after work today. I needed to get a few things. A woman in the makeup section was frustrated. She was moving things from side to side. I was trying to get something for one of my little girl’s teachers. I looked up from the shelf and just stared at her. She looked as if the world was coming undone.

I took a step back and asked, “Oh sweetheart, are you okay?”

“This holiday shit has me so stressed out….” (she had a mini rant which needed to come out).

I took her hand, removed the soap in it and asked her to please breathe deeply with me. (I often wonder how folks don’t slap me). I asked if we could just stay present for a few seconds. We stood staring at each other. She actually took the deepest inhale and together we exhaled simultaneously. I asked for another. And another.

So we stood there…two middle aged women with odds and ends in carts understanding with little words that it’s okay to come undone. What’s not okay is for the reasons of the commercialized season. It’s not okay to feel like we have to give to everyone. It’s not okay to consume debt that needs to be paid off next year. It’s not okay to have to feel that giving symbolizes how we feel for another. It’s not okay to feel anxiety and frantic energy.

Her tears began to fall. I held my hands around her cheeks and kissed her. She hugged me as if we were each other’s lifeline. Her body felt as if it was finally collapsing from the stress.

Darlings, that’s more like what this season is for…reaching out to others. It’s about understanding that we are connected. Screw the shopping. Take someone for a cup of coffee. Hug a stranger. Give a freaking yummy compliment. Send a card with glitter. Leave some cookies at a neighbor.

The season of giving is about gratitude and sharing. It has nothing to do with consumerism.

We are all in this. I love you. Allow for the emotions to come up and out. And if some crazy woman with fairy tinsel in her hair comes up to you…allow her to hug and love you. I don’t want to get slapped.

For the Love of Community

A few years ago I made a promise to myself that I would only allow those individuals who contributed to the best of my life. I was done with all the crap of people who were emotional vampires. I wanted a community, a family of friends, who were there for me regardless of the weather (in good and bad times). I wanted people who allowed me to be me without judgment and likewise I would relish in their uniqueness. The Divine provided much more than I had intended because I have wonderful people in my life.

When we realize the old patterns in our life, the way we choose situations, and accept (with full blown responsibility) that we attract those people who hurt us because we participated in the drama, then the Universe moves on to what the heart truly needs. I’ve changed and with those modifications I have allowed like-minded people to enter my circle. These are giving individuals who truly care about friendship. I am blessed. And I don’t take it for granted.

If you have people in your life (whether it be a mate or friends) who don’t bring out the best in you, take a look at your behavior. Take note of your actions, how you treat others, and seriously decide if they are projecting your individuality. The root of criticism in others is usually the reflection in ourselves. We attract that which we put out. You don’t want drama, look to see if your life is a one-stage act after another full of chaos. You don’t want selfishness then see if you are reflecting things that are being only about you. You don’t want craziness, well then I suggest you start to define what normal is for you! You get to manifest the things and people in your life. You get to create what stays and what needs to go.

Life is marvelous. It is too short to allow others to dictate misery in your life. Fill those special moments in your life surrounded by things and people that matter. Setting boundaries is hard, at least for me. Those vampires from my past disappeared as soon as I decided that I was worth loving in a manner that allowed the best of me to shine. These people know my laughter, sorrows, sarcasm, goofiness, bitchiness, kindness, creativity, love and the things that create the totality of me. They are there when I need a shoulder to cry on and a wine glass when I need to unload my craziness.

We’ve lost the sense of unity and community in our lives. Society has become so busy that we forget to get together for a simple meal, or just a cup of coffee. I love how the Italians and the French in Europe live their lives. They work hard but they also know when to quit and gather around their loved ones to enjoy the simplicity in sharing their lives. There is an easement and therapeutic element to sitting with others while allowing laughter, tears, and expression as the only agenda.

Seek and you will find. Put yourself out there. Talk to strangers. Participate in your community. I promise you that you weren’t meant to be alone. You have the ability to design the life you dream of….so go and get it done.

Knowing your Truth

Please take a moment and truly be with this message. So many of us are experiencing some major shifts that are forcing us to take a hard step back, questioning ourselves. You are not alone. In the past week I’ve had so many conversations about this.

It’s not just the storms and fires and other natural occurrences. It’s the basics. It’s family drama, work issues, and our own psyches being pushed to question our purpose here.

The truth is not always perfect or pretty. It churns, twists and turns in you trying to make its way up. You don’t let it because it will hurt another. It will betray their perception of you. You might be rejected. You might be hated. But, while it is in you, silently poisoning your soul, truth still needs release.

You should not live a life that’s not authentic. No matter if it’s ending a job, a relationship, detaching from family and friends, or following what you think is a stupid-dream, it is YOUR truth. Those who love you will get over it. Those who don’t have served their purpose in the presence of your life even in teaching you to forgive. I can’t tell you the many times I’ve stepped out of my comfort zone, left everything, to follow what I recognized as my truth.

Hold your truth high. Get over the bullshit and finally voice out who you are. You know what is tragic? Living a freaking lie and not being free to be who you really are. You know what is life-changing? When you grow a pair and tell the world that you don’t care what they think because you are claiming your worth by your standards and not theirs. Your spirit is trapped and everything around you is miserable because it aches, it is uncomfortable and it is unbearable. Life is too short for pretending. The stress is damaging your physical and mental bodies. It is adding to the collective. You already know the truth. Now, go fucking show the world who you Really are. Times are changing. We are evolving into better humans. There is a massive sense of commUNITY happening and we need to finally step up to our greatness. Hold your head high cause you are magnificent! Be love. Be happy. Be YOU!