Body Talk

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Let my body speak to you

through its texture,

shape,

color,

dimples,

scar,

age,

and hear what it says

in the silence of

the imperfections.

 

Let my body dance

swaying,

trembling,

yelling in movements

the mystery of me

never witnessed before,

challenging you

to let everything go.

 

Let my body be a sponge

taking you in,

draining you out,

and drying your own spirit

by way of mysticism

so divinity can sit

with us together…

forever as one.

Snug to Perfection

You got off the plane

snuggled loosely  in those

old-worn-out Levi faded jeans

caressing your derriere

like a perfect set of cashmere gloves

and a smile surpassing

every other person in the terminal.

 

You caught my eyes

with some silly coquette gesture,

tongue sticking out slightly,

and I could smell you

from across the room

while thinking of how I was going to

get home quickly to remove

that gorgeous

black turtle neck sweater

so you could finally be

the second layer

of me

needed to bring life

into this cold gloomy day.

Core Essence

This morning’s goodbye

tugged and pulled

like never before

as I tattooed a kiss

on your neck

inhaling your smell

while your eyes searched,

smiling,

reaching,

that place of home

no one else has before.

Twenty-five years of this

is wearing us down

to break the restrictions

we created for safety:

the not-falling-in-love clause;

the no-questions-asked rule;

the only-a-few-days-at-a-time mantra;

the take-in-for-what-it-is precious moments.

This week was different

and you asked;

I replied.

You went there;

I returned holding your hand.

I expect nothing;

you anticipate even less.

But,

somewhere in the in-between

the words

“I will miss you”

echoed from both our lips

and that’s

worth a priceless fortune

to the essence of

our soul union

in this new era….

Collection of Moments

intimacy

As I sat, listening

to your words,

following gestures –

lines connecting,

detaching, intersecting,

circling all around you

passionately expressing

details of where you’ve been

in such joyous promptitude

I wondered how it felt

to be you.

 

How do the stories,

words, and thoughts

file inside the memory

of such a gentle soul?

How amazing to carry

those moments,

retracting them

at a push of a thought.

 

Each of us remain connected

by an action,

a lapse in time,

a twinkling pace

causing a scene for

later viewing

alone in personal time

full of tears or giggles.

 

Your smile paused

the very thought of me

noticing the attentiveness.

In such erratic tone,

the seconds lasted an eternity

when you leaned in,

closed your eyes,

kissed me for the first time

and my moment

was quickly filed under “Love.”

The Union of two souls

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While on vacation a few weeks ago I had several moments of huge awareness and acceptance (sometimes those things are exhausting and at other times they are “AHA moments” that finally clear old beliefs from the heart). The first day when we arrived at the beach there were folks getting ready for a wedding. Everyone was wearing white. There was no distinction between colors or races. They all looked like heavenly angels, barefooted, walking the path to the altar on the sand. The scenery looked like something from a cheesy movie on the Hallmark Channel (so of course I was in heaven)!

I was moved, not just by this divine vision but also because we were in the midst of first times: first time that our baby would see the ocean, the first time my love and I would see it together, the first time that we had gone on vacation…and the first time I realized the sacredness of a gathering to celebrate the union of two souls. I had not stepped outside of my commitment phobia, ever, to accept this the way I embraced it at that moment while the rain gathered right there in the backdrop reminding me of how the winds of change are always in the distance. I saw the magic and mysticism in all those who were participating in this wedding. I had not understood a few things as I walked through the portal of so much love and acceptance. Sometimes awareness takes a lifetime. Sometimes it happens in the simplest moments of quietude. I love love. I love everything corny and romantic. This wedding did not have it like one would think looking at the scenery…it was much deeper. Perhaps it was just me that had gone to the depth of the ocean and I embraced it. It’s been a long time coming.

A few days after returning home I received an email from a dear old friend who has known me for the larger part of my life. In that email I was transformed in letting go of the old belief system that had kept me in the past. I had been imprisoned to old behaviors and memories of past lovers. I hadn’t realized it until I returned from this vacation. I was freed into realizing that I can move into commitment even when I have been so scared to do so. Matt has won the battle with lots of issues in the past two and a half years. He has shown me time and time again that no matter what we are a team. No other past relationship showed this. No other relationship put me first. I was always at the end of the to-do list. It was a convenience rather than a priority. And, although I would excuse those past behaviors I also allowed those old programming thoughts to partake in this beautiful union. I kept thinking of that beach scene and all those beautiful spirits surrounding this moment as my lover and I walked our child to the shore.

It has been 2-1/2 years of constant learning and loving and searching for the core of unity. Matt and I respect one another. We laugh louder and deeper than I have in the past. I have allowed blocks to show up and find excuses for not settling down. He has been there to guide me in these ups and downs of an old phobia, abandonment issues, and the realization that I want no other to be there when I wake in the morning. I haven’t been legally married since I was 22. But, I have learned that the thing about life is that phobias and fears bring on something deeper. They desire the searching and processing of an inner root that needs pulling or it will follow till the end of days to come. So I’ve taken a few weeks to look at these issues. I have written, analyzed and broken cords that had me attached to old paradigms. I have taken a real look at the ugly parts as well as the beautiful ones making this polarity of my spiritual being exceptional. I consist of everyone of those things that push and pull to teach me to be human.

Finally Matt and I decided that there was no time like the present. We’ve tried the wedding ceremony before and we both didn’t handle it well. We felt stressed and pressured. But now with a few years in between we embrace this surfing of union in an ocean of true love and acceptance. Life has changed drastically for the both of us. After having raised six children and finding my forties as a point of beginning a life for me the powers of BE decided that this man and a baby would be the ones guiding me into middle age. We are in the process of adopting our little girl together. I cannot imagine anyone else to spend my life with and all its geekiness, corniness, playing, joking, sarcasm, intelligence, and intimacy. I cannot imagine anyone ever loving this baby girl the way he does and continues to win my heart. We compliment each other because how else could you explain a spiritual-peace-loving hippie with a warrior-gaming-geeky nerd? You can’t! You can only understand that underneath it all there is such awareness of BEING and ALLOWING. He always says when I am ready to stop or quit something, “That’s quitter talk and it’s unacceptable!” I need someone who calls me up on my crap. He’s totally there for that! I expect nothing less. He allows me to roam free and be wild in my thoughts and beliefs and this is something foreign to me.

On that beach day as we were leaving the bride-to-be passed us on the boardwalk. She was splendidly gorgeous. I said, “You are a stunning bride. Exquisitely beautiful. Congratulations!” She was so present that she stopped as folks waited for her arrival, holding the bottom of her dress in her hands, “Thank you. You are very kind.” Her smile lit the darkened skies. And off she went. She was in the complete moment of NOW. I got in the car and contemplated that moment. I whispered to the inner child, “I’m ready!” She whispered back, “About time!”

Today I was in the complete moment of NOW realizing I am just as exquisite as that bride. I stood in front of a beautiful man and gave my soul, my promise and my vows to be his wife. To my beloved husband, “I vow to love and cherish you for the rest of my life. I vow never to go to bed angry; to continue to tickle you whenever I please; and give you a smile when you need one. I vow to pull you out of a funk, to kiss you with depth and tell you how much I appreciate you every day. I promise to let you raise my IQ as long as you let me lower yours at times. It isn’t healthy living with so many digits in that brain. You are my best friend, my partner, my lover, my confidant, my teacher and most of all my protector. Thank you for allowing me to be part of your life. I am forever grateful to the universal forces that brought us together on a beautiful spring day in a little coffee shop in the mountains. I love you, Matt.

Plan to be Surprised

entanglement

Accept me into you

as a random act

of the universe

picking us

to meet again,

magnetically connecting

this time around.

Let me in

and plan to be surprised

by what is and isn’t explained

because it goes beyond this place,

this dimension,

that expects answers

when there aren’t any.

This is the mystery of souls gathering

returning to their homes,

without avoidance, rejection,

or judgment.

Don’t question the excitement,

the giddiness via serendipity,

and embrace the miracle.

Take me to that place

you came and went

without hesitation

through the mysticism

of finding me,

once more,

in love with you.

Simple Stroke of Luck

Thanksgiving Day 2014

I am a simple woman that expects miracles through hard moments.  I don’t always have the patience to wait but I do live my life knowing they arrive just at the exact timing I am about to give up.  These miracles come through people, things, synchronicities, and serendipitous events.  One thought ties the end of a universal cord.  This is called a blessing.  I am always asking God to please provide “this or better.”   I am always asking my guides, angels, and the Divine to be gentle with my teachings.  I see how difficult I’ve made it to learn gently in the past.  My “tenacity” (a.k.a. stubbornness) is not a fun characteristic.

For many years I had a vision, an idea, of what I wanted in a mate.  I wanted him to be above a certain height, intelligent, witty, non-judgmental of my spirituality, secure with his own life that he wouldn’t be jealous of my friendships, loving with my children, a comedian at heart, and many other little details that I wasn’t willing to settle without.  I would end my prayers with, “this or better, God!”  Somehow I got the better with my fiancé, Matt.  He is showing me every day what it is to have a real partner in life.  I am learning what it is to count completely on another.  He doesn’t push or pull.  He sits and waits for me to arrive at that place of vulnerability.

I have found an endless river of love flowing through us, sometimes not in the colorful composition I had envisioned because I had no live example for comparison.  Not everything is a Hallmark movie extravaganza but there is a miracle in his gentleness, acceptance, love and support.  Every day I see the truth that I am no longer swimming alone in this journey of life without a mate to reach and grab me.  I tend to forget that I can count on him.  I tend to bulldoze myself into a frenzy thinking I have to do things alone while not inconveniencing him.  He comes through and reminds me that we are a unit: in the good times and in the rough ones.  The past few months have been full of confirmations of his commitment.  There are no perfect souls who live in constant harmony.  We work at our flaws, traumas and constant lack of understanding for one another.  We are mirrors reflecting those issues that need forgiveness from past relationships.  I am forever astonished at the huge blessing of being able to unpack our previous baggage and make room to live together.  This union is a great mystery to me.   I no longer have my running sneakers around.  I know we are in this together for the long haul.  Neither one of us knows why we are with one another.  It’s baffling!

There are amazing mysteries in our universe:  the great pyramids, the Mayan calendar, the conscious mind, the cosmos, the beginning of time, parallel dimensions, how I raised my children pretty much on my own, and meeting this man.  These great mysteries aren’t meant to be solved.  They are as apparent as love out there in the world to ponder and accept.  We are constantly trying to solve the phenomenal things in life.  Some things aren’t meant to have specific reasoning.  Miracles happen every day.  We are born out of extraordinary paradoxes. We survive illnesses, near-death experiences, personal losses, and so many heart aches.  We come out from difficult situations and have no explanation for them…except that something greater than our humanness has intervened.  This is the miracle!  The mysteries of our existence lie in the knowing that there is something superior above all reasoning.  It is that knowing that gets us through the difficult times.  Some call it Christ, Buddha, God, the Divine, the Holy Mother, etc.  There are millions of names and expressions for this mystery in our existence.   There are millions of ways to perceive the lessons and the kind revelations.

I have stopped looking for that which cannot be understood (for the most part). I am trying to accept the inequalities with the ease of things, both in life and in our relationship.  I have been fortunate to entertain angels in all forms, shapes and sizes in my life.  I can’t imagine traveling through this next chapter of our lives without his support.  His loving gentleness with our baby girl melts my heart and when he’s not looking allows me to fall deeper into the truth of our partnership.  The evolution of my soul depends on those who touch me and this man is helping lead the way through the good, bad and in-between moments of this journey.

Simplicity in All

Sometimes you find that one soul who shows you a piece of yourself you did not know was even there.  This person can come in for a moment but the impact can last a lifetime.  At times their entrance into your life needs no words, just a glance, a gesture, or a slight touch.  Just having them come into your existence is enough to make you realize what happiness really is inside.  Life is all about the simplicities and the grace of our unions.

I can recall moments of people who have appeared as angels into my space when I wasn’t having a good day.  This has been in a check-out line, at a red light, on an isle in a store, passing by in a park, trekking up a mountain hike, or just entering our place to look at the pond.  The energy in their eyes or in their silence has spoken volumes.  These lapses in time make me aware of our interconnection with each other.  We are all small threads weaving in and out of a giant quilt.  We are all different colors, textures, and composition.  Each interweaving in the fabric allows a degree of separation, but we are all connected by the giant cloth of Divinity.

I was at a store in Downtown Asheville this morning.  I needed to get down from the mountain, be with civilization, get my Starbucks chai latte, and buy some candles (which is one of my favorite vices).  While in the isle an older woman walked by, saw the array of colors and smells in the cart, looked up at me and gave me the biggest smile, while raising her eyebrows.  I had ten different sizes and colors lined up by smells.  In that moment we laughed when she exchanged a look like, “Girl, are you expecting a power outage?”  In our silence, with huge smiles, we had a connection.  She went on to another isle. I continued my smelling routine of checking every autumn candle on sale.  As I was paying I saw she went back to the candles and picked some of the same ones that I got.  It took one moment, a few seconds, to see how happy those fragrant candles made me.  I am always giddy when I get anything with comforting smells for the house.  Happiness is contagious.  Her presence filled me with joy, and I hope that in my excitement she also filled with the indulgence of delight.

We tend to constantly hold our breaths when we are running around doing errands.  Unfortunately, we are so involved in our own minds that we forget to notice the existence of another in our realm.  With technology at our fingertips we tend to interact with the gadgets easier than with a live person.  It is impossible to know when that one angel or person will enter our space.  I bet that if you think back you can truly remember many times when a child smiled at you from a shopping cart at a store.  Their laughter was so contagious that you found yourself laughing back.  And, those seconds are precious.  They are magical.  Whether it is from a handsome man, an elderly woman, or a child, the energy exchanged is God-like at its simplest form.  Never take these moments of sheer joy for granted.  They remind us that life is sweet, kind, and beautiful.  Just like my candles, let the simplicity light up your day.

Much love and light to all!

The Secret

 hands of time

Come close.

I want to share a secret.

I love you!

I don’t know you well, but that doesn’t matter.

I love you for being here, listening,

reading, and being a part of my existence.

We are from different backgrounds, worlds apart,

have nothing in common, but I still love you.

Everything that breathes shares in my life.

Look at that tree.  See the leaves moving?

I love it too. 

Look at the ground: muddy, chaotic, smelly…

that’s one of my favorite loves.

Check out the dog chasing the cat.  Yes…smile. 

There’s a real Tom and Jerry.  I love them too.

The man over there lying with a cup by him on the station floor?  Him too.

The woman talking to herself?  Yes, she’s my love as well.

Oh, the nasty personality at the convenient store?  Yeah…he resides in me.

And, that teenager over there plotting and scheming with a knife…

he is definitely my love.

It doesn’t matter what and who you believe, I still love you.

We may never see eye to eye but that won’t stop me from sending you prayers,

wishing you well, and loving you for the soul you are here on earth.

We are all here on a cosmic journey.  We’ve traveled far and wide together.

Our geography is different.  Our lives share no comparisons.

Our paths have alternate endings.  Our stories might never intertwine.

But, why complicate things with boundaries, lines of prejudice and bigotry?

The only reason we are here is to learn, experience and love. 

So, I refuse to fail this test.

Want to know the secret of my journey?

It’s you,

her,

him,

and them.  We are all in this together.

Thank you.  Thank you for allowing me to be part of your life

even if it’s with a glance, a word, or in joining our biographies.

My life is not the same without you. 

 

Epiphany

intertwine

Accept me into you
as a random act
from the universe
picking us to meet…
magnetically reconnecting.
Let me in,
plan to be surprised,
by what is and isn’t
beyond this place,
dimension,
and expect answers
of yeses and no’s to mold
our union into one.
This is the mystery of souls gathering
again and again
without rejection or judgment.
Live in this excitement.
Join me in this joy.
Take me to those places
you go
without hesitation
and plan on being surprised
for finding me once more
in love with you,
in love with life,
in love.