The Union of two souls

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While on vacation a few weeks ago I had several moments of huge awareness and acceptance (sometimes those things are exhausting and at other times they are “AHA moments” that finally clear old beliefs from the heart). The first day when we arrived at the beach there were folks getting ready for a wedding. Everyone was wearing white. There was no distinction between colors or races. They all looked like heavenly angels, barefooted, walking the path to the altar on the sand. The scenery looked like something from a cheesy movie on the Hallmark Channel (so of course I was in heaven)!

I was moved, not just by this divine vision but also because we were in the midst of first times: first time that our baby would see the ocean, the first time my love and I would see it together, the first time that we had gone on vacation…and the first time I realized the sacredness of a gathering to celebrate the union of two souls. I had not stepped outside of my commitment phobia, ever, to accept this the way I embraced it at that moment while the rain gathered right there in the backdrop reminding me of how the winds of change are always in the distance. I saw the magic and mysticism in all those who were participating in this wedding. I had not understood a few things as I walked through the portal of so much love and acceptance. Sometimes awareness takes a lifetime. Sometimes it happens in the simplest moments of quietude. I love love. I love everything corny and romantic. This wedding did not have it like one would think looking at the scenery…it was much deeper. Perhaps it was just me that had gone to the depth of the ocean and I embraced it. It’s been a long time coming.

A few days after returning home I received an email from a dear old friend who has known me for the larger part of my life. In that email I was transformed in letting go of the old belief system that had kept me in the past. I had been imprisoned to old behaviors and memories of past lovers. I hadn’t realized it until I returned from this vacation. I was freed into realizing that I can move into commitment even when I have been so scared to do so. Matt has won the battle with lots of issues in the past two and a half years. He has shown me time and time again that no matter what we are a team. No other past relationship showed this. No other relationship put me first. I was always at the end of the to-do list. It was a convenience rather than a priority. And, although I would excuse those past behaviors I also allowed those old programming thoughts to partake in this beautiful union. I kept thinking of that beach scene and all those beautiful spirits surrounding this moment as my lover and I walked our child to the shore.

It has been 2-1/2 years of constant learning and loving and searching for the core of unity. Matt and I respect one another. We laugh louder and deeper than I have in the past. I have allowed blocks to show up and find excuses for not settling down. He has been there to guide me in these ups and downs of an old phobia, abandonment issues, and the realization that I want no other to be there when I wake in the morning. I haven’t been legally married since I was 22. But, I have learned that the thing about life is that phobias and fears bring on something deeper. They desire the searching and processing of an inner root that needs pulling or it will follow till the end of days to come. So I’ve taken a few weeks to look at these issues. I have written, analyzed and broken cords that had me attached to old paradigms. I have taken a real look at the ugly parts as well as the beautiful ones making this polarity of my spiritual being exceptional. I consist of everyone of those things that push and pull to teach me to be human.

Finally Matt and I decided that there was no time like the present. We’ve tried the wedding ceremony before and we both didn’t handle it well. We felt stressed and pressured. But now with a few years in between we embrace this surfing of union in an ocean of true love and acceptance. Life has changed drastically for the both of us. After having raised six children and finding my forties as a point of beginning a life for me the powers of BE decided that this man and a baby would be the ones guiding me into middle age. We are in the process of adopting our little girl together. I cannot imagine anyone else to spend my life with and all its geekiness, corniness, playing, joking, sarcasm, intelligence, and intimacy. I cannot imagine anyone ever loving this baby girl the way he does and continues to win my heart. We compliment each other because how else could you explain a spiritual-peace-loving hippie with a warrior-gaming-geeky nerd? You can’t! You can only understand that underneath it all there is such awareness of BEING and ALLOWING. He always says when I am ready to stop or quit something, “That’s quitter talk and it’s unacceptable!” I need someone who calls me up on my crap. He’s totally there for that! I expect nothing less. He allows me to roam free and be wild in my thoughts and beliefs and this is something foreign to me.

On that beach day as we were leaving the bride-to-be passed us on the boardwalk. She was splendidly gorgeous. I said, “You are a stunning bride. Exquisitely beautiful. Congratulations!” She was so present that she stopped as folks waited for her arrival, holding the bottom of her dress in her hands, “Thank you. You are very kind.” Her smile lit the darkened skies. And off she went. She was in the complete moment of NOW. I got in the car and contemplated that moment. I whispered to the inner child, “I’m ready!” She whispered back, “About time!”

Today I was in the complete moment of NOW realizing I am just as exquisite as that bride. I stood in front of a beautiful man and gave my soul, my promise and my vows to be his wife. To my beloved husband, “I vow to love and cherish you for the rest of my life. I vow never to go to bed angry; to continue to tickle you whenever I please; and give you a smile when you need one. I vow to pull you out of a funk, to kiss you with depth and tell you how much I appreciate you every day. I promise to let you raise my IQ as long as you let me lower yours at times. It isn’t healthy living with so many digits in that brain. You are my best friend, my partner, my lover, my confidant, my teacher and most of all my protector. Thank you for allowing me to be part of your life. I am forever grateful to the universal forces that brought us together on a beautiful spring day in a little coffee shop in the mountains. I love you, Matt.

The Man in my Dreams

The other day a friend and I are in the middle of a conversation as she says, “I can’t wait for the wedding.”  I paused and then said surprised, “Oh my God, congratulations!  I didn’t even know you were in a serious relationship.”  She laughed, correcting me, “Not my wedding, Airy Fairy, your wedding in April.”  In the midst of my oblivious moment I laughed out loud answering, “Oh, yeah!  I AM… getting married… soon.  I can’t wait!”

The future wedding day is exciting but it isn’t taking priority in my every waking moment.  I forget Matt and I are exchanging vows because we exchange our love every day: as he says ‘good morning, babe’ or reaches for my hand and kisses the top of it for no reason, or winks while tapping my butt with a mischievous smile….  There are so many different ways we exchange our tenderness and love each day.  The truth is that vows are bartered, traded and interchanged on a daily basis.  I had not known what it was to have a man so present in everyday life.  As different as we are, the similarity of our underlining traits live silently dictating the authenticity of this relationship.  We are two simple people without drama.  It must be rather boring to others the way we fit in this harmonious state.

Truth is that I’ve reunited with my soul mate.  I don’t say that lightly.  I have had many reunions with many souls but when I met Matt it took me a long while before even admitting that he wasn’t just a “hiking buddy.”  I felt way too comfortable and in that easiness I couldn’t understand how there would be a long term relationship.  In my past relationships everything required a lot of work, drama, and putting that person on some wickedly tall pedestal.  The relationships were full time jobs and the expectations that came with them now seem senselessly ridiculous.  Stress is never a good factor or virtue in any relationship or friendship. It is a giant red flag that has engraved on it, “RUN QUICKLY!”

I believe the secret to this love is the mutual respect of space, forgiveness, patience, and grace.  Nothing or no one is perfect.  I would be delusional to even say that there is always laughter and passion every single day.  I am not always riding on a unicorn leaving a rainbow trail of flowers behind me.  He’s not always willing to be Vince Vaughn or Adam Sandler when I need him on cue either.  We work at it with communication.  I’ve fallen in love with a no-nonsense straight shooter who challenges me.  He calls me out of my crap.  He allows me to be loving without trying to change a single thing about me.  This is priceless.

Matt has become my best companion through heart break, loss, financial strains, and human doubts.  He wakes me up when I am having a nightmare and always holds me with patience (no matter how this is affecting his own sleep pattern).  He makes sure he tucks me in when I go to bed much earlier than him.  I love that we can co-exist without having to “fix” the other.  There is no need.  Only a tender acceptance that we are different, have peculiar tastes in things, yet blend those things in some melting pot of assurance and safety.

What’s the secret to relationships?  I don’t really know.  I do know that this balance works for me because he’s been the first mate that I’ve been upfront, honest, and completely me.  He and I haven’t allowed the past luggage and dirty baggage to dictate this union.  He has allowed me to grow, break, while putting a few support columns along the way.  We fit because this isn’t our first rodeo and we know exactly what we won’t tolerate from the other, and also what we need from ourselves in the process.  This dance of give and take is what we do best.

In 1995 I had a dream while I was starting my long-term relationship with a man for 18 years.  I dreamt that I was the bride at an outdoor wedding with a backdrop of mountains.  I was barefooted and so comfortable with all my loved ones surrounding us around a gazebo.  There was this really tall man standing as my groom but he wasn’t my current mate because he was there as one of the guests.  This groom was younger, taller, and I could see only his back.  I remember waking up and sharing this dream.  It felt so real.    As our wedding date arrives I see “that man” much clearer.  He is the one I had been waiting for in this lifetime.  I am forever grateful that I was given head’s up from the universe.  I am excited, giddy and can’t wait to finally introduce him as “my husband.”

When you find the love of your life make sure you hang on to it.  Don’t over analyze it with logical scrutiny.  Let the heart dictate how it feels.  Get out of your head and stop the chit chat of doubt.  It is a rare experience, full of lessons, trials, errors, but mostly the understanding that love carries every little thing…every single day.  I. Love. This. Man. As. Much. As. He. Loves. Me!  I have never been able to say that before now.  I don’t take it for granted for one single minute and when you find yours neither should you!

Magical Fairy Dress

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The most talented person I’ve known came yesterday to visit me: my cousin, Vania.  She brought with her a wedding dress that she made for me.  I have never tried on a wedding dress.  My first marriage at 18 was at the courthouse.  The second relationship never led to an altar and towards the end of the eighteen years I knew there would never be a marriage.  It’s not that I haven’t been asked to get married…it’s that I have never found myself wanting to say “yes” and following through with it.  Something in me always nudged and tugged and twirled inside with a knowing that it was wrong.  Anxiety and fear paralyzed me with the thought of “forever” being a prison sentence. But, now standing in front of the mirror with this magical dress created for me I knew that I had been waiting for Matt all of my life.

Vania up-cycled this dress from my best friend’s wedding dress and an antique dress my mother bought for me many years ago.  There, staring at the reflection in the mirror of a middle age woman feeling like a twenty-something girl I saw love and grace.  The dress brings a mystical element to this marriage.  There will be three strong women guiding me to the entrance of this union all threaded in this funky-hippie-like garment full of lace, joy and love.

I twirled around the room, bringing the bottom of the dress up like a fairy.  I took off my socks, envisioning myself barefooted walking towards the gazebo in our retreat center, daisies in my hair, carrying sunflowers in a few months.  I will be walking towards the one man who has accepted me in such a deep level, never wanting to change me, or mold me into a different woman, but has unconditionally loved everything about my goofiness, silliness, and sarcastic personality.  He embraces the truth of me.

I am blown away at how Vania captured my soul in this dress.  It is spiritually mythical in essence.  I have never thought of me having any sort of wedding.  I like simplicity.  We will have a garden spring feast with close friends and family.  I don’t want anyone dressing up.  Those who are coming are meant to be here to witness the vows of two people who have been looking for one another until the perfect timing. Bobbie will be marrying us. It is a potluck celebration embellishing our harmonious gathering with those who love us.

There are people who don’t “get” our relationship.  They can’t see past the differences.  We are atypical in so many levels, yet the same in so many others.  We both need space, alone time, as writers and creators.  We can be in the same house all day and never feel the pressure of talking.  Matt loves the military.  I don’t believe in war or violence.  He creates fantasy war games for a living.  I would be creating unicorn-riding hippie girls saving the world if I knew how to make games.  He likes heavy metal music.  I prefer classical and Celtic instrumental melodies.  I read self-help and spiritual books.  He’s a history buff.  I love vegetables.  He’s a meat and potato man.  I go to bed early and wake before sunrise.  He is a night owl.  But, here is the thing: I have never felt more understood and appreciated in my life.  He respects me and each moment I walk into his presence his face lights up, almost as if saying, “There you are.  I’ve missed you, babe.”

Standing in front of the mirror I imagined my mother smiling from Heaven.  I could see her approval for such a simple righteous man in my life.  There is no drama.  Lord knows I’ve had plenty of it for a lifetime!  There is a common ground of respect, laughter, sharing, and affection.  I don’t think I’ve ever been loved this way…ever.  With us what you see is exactly what you get.  There is no guessing game.  We can hike up a mountain and make an adventure of it.   We can sit and watch a movie or read a book or just talk and it feels like home in a way I’ve never known.  My spirit is comfortable and feels right.

A few nights ago my daughter, Matt and I watched a movie.  I cry at every moving-sentimental scene.  This big-tough guy beats me to it every time.  He starts to wipe his tears before my daughter notices them.  I rub his arm and his hair.  I melt at his sensitivity.  No one would ever know.  He looks at me and I can feel his heart widening.  I can feel the touch of spirit reaching in there and moving him through openness and tenderness.

As I stood inside this magical dress last night I was transported to my childhood, adulthood and future.  Three women stitched together to bring me into a beautiful chapter of my life: Vania, Bobbie, and my mother.  I will forever be grateful for my cousin’s love and creativity to have her as part of me on this special day.  Thank you, my love!  I am beyond humbled and honored with this divine gift.