Let It Go

Yesterday morning, as I was dropping this baby off at daycare he squeezed my cheeks in, looked into my eyes smiling, and said, “Mama, letttt itttt goooo!”

He’s not watched Frozen. Lol.

I was taken aback. I say this all the time when he’s holding something and I need to change him or get him in the car seat. But, as he said it I recognized this was coming from a little conscious soul-to-soul messenger. I had been struggling for a few days holding “stuff” inside.

His let-it-go message was clear. I put my head against his forehead as we do before saying goodbye and kissed him.

He’s such a special little boy. Being in his presence immediately brings anyone joy.

When a child gives you a message take it to heart. It’s coming from a deep conscious knowing.

Now you…yes, you…let it go and move on. I love you.

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Pick Living

I walked into a facility this afternoon. The cutest elderly lady was walking the hallway. Forty five minutes later, after visiting my client, she was still walking them.

I stopped. She stopped. “You are adorable. My name is Millie.”

She extended her hand out, “I’m Betty.” I drew her close and gave her a hug. She smelled delicate.

“I think it’s wonderful you walk so much and without any assistance.”

“At this age if I don’t everything gets stiff!” She giggled.

She didn’t say her age. She must be in her 80’s.

“What’s the best part of being this age?” I don’t know why I asked.

She smiled and without skipping a beat, “I’ve lived! Long. It’s been a life. It’s been full. It’s been a privilege. I don’t have to rush anywhere. I’m already there.”

I saw no signs of dementia. She was clear. Strong. Alert. I caught myself exhaling a deep pause. My arms got goosebumps which is a sign of truth and a divine aha.

I hugged her again. She touched my left cheek. I thanked her for the hall pass and class. She smiled. Her eyes twinkled. She kept walking.

I am grateful for living. This long as well. I’ve never been this old. I will never be this young again. It’s a privilege. I’m trying not to rush. Signs keep showing up about slowing down. I have chosen this life. Not settling for anything that makes me cringe. I’m here…Collecting wisdom from halls and angels.

Our Elders

I’ve spent some time this week with a sweet client who is transitioning. She’s 96. She’s out lived everyone. Her dementia is extremely advanced. She doesn’t know who I am but she always receives me with such kindness. To her I am her “favorite nurse” or someone from her church. Today she asked me to leave after a little bit. She explained that she was tired and needed to sleep. She needed privacy.

Lately, that’s all she does while hospice is making her comfortable. She let me kiss and love on her for a second. And then asked who I was again and before I could answer she remembered that I was her favorite nurse. I sat on her bed. I listened to her breathing. I silently gave her permission to go on while shining some light.

Elders are some of my favorite people. They force me to be in the moment with them. They are full of wisdom and advice that is endless. They aren’t looking for anything but the recognition of being seen. They don’t care about phones or technology. They want the intimacy of human touch and energy.

I left, closing her door, not knowing if that goodbye would be the last. Each soul teaches us something. Every one has a responsibility of showing up and changing the world. Today her goodbye reminded me of the frailties is living.

The Sage in Elders

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Last night I dreamed with my maternal grandmother. She was born and immediately became an orphan. Her mother died while giving birth. Her dad left. Her older brother who was about 20 years her senior watched after her until he could send her to boarding school. My grandmother was a quiet woman. She never said much but observed the world around her. She was in her seventies when I came along. I would sit near her taking in her silence, watching her blue-green eyes that were overly magnified by her thick glasses. I would touch her thin-soft porcelain hands and hold them in my little chubby ones.

What I remember from her are snippets of stories that usually brought some sort of lesson. She only shared them with me because I enjoyed listening so attentively to her soft pace and rhythm. She was poise and graceful. There was so much silence in her world because my grandfather was a powerhouse of noise and attitude. Natalia was gentle that way. She seemed to bring his demeanor to a calming state. I never understood their dynamic. I never understood how they slept in two separate twin beds in a large home with so many other rooms to spare. I never understood how they never touched. I never understood how she lived painfully taking things in and keeping them secretive. But, that was the way things were done a hundred years ago.

My grandmother died on her 95 birthday. She left on the same day she came in. I sat by her that morning. She was incoherent. She opened her eyes, I squeezed her gentle hands, and she closed her eyes acknowledging that it was time. Her soul left so quickly that it felt as if someone had undressed her body and opened up space for nothingness. I remember being 21 years old and experiencing that first encounter of seeing life leave in an instance. It was magical. It was as if she finally didn’t need to keep all those secrets bottled up to herself. It was as if she finally had permission to be the angelic presence she had been on earth. She seemed to never fit…until that moment her soul flew to the heavens.

Last night in that dream she didn’t wear her thick glasses. She was younger. She sat next to me on my porch and, like when I was young, spoke softly while utilizing just enough words to get her message across. She had been an English teacher in Puerto Rico. She was raised in a nun’s convent in Ohio. Her stories were always missing something and last night she seemed to arrive with all those missing parts.

That’s the thing about stories, huh? They come at the precise time we need to hear them. Sometimes the same story can be retold or re-read a thousand times but with each word a new awareness arises to some other level. We are shaken to open. Her quietness and presence eventually shook me to awake. In a cold rainy night I could feel her presence, smell her fragrance, and taste her words. Today I am wearing her smile, her gentleness and I recognize it’s important to continue collecting those stories…especially from our elders who become sages of time. It’s imperative to listen. It’s crucial to be present with others who need us. I am grateful and blessed for each one of you who reaches out and asks for love. Love comes from different sources in this universe. Collect those hearts from all the places that are sent to you.

Thank you. Love is returned back with deep blessings! ~ Millie

The Need to Find Home

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“Wisdom tells me I am nothing.  Love tells me I am everything.  And between the two my life flows.” – Nisargadatta Maharaj

I have been self-absorbed lately, so much to the point of trying to find purpose on a life I’ve created from love, faith and the awareness of lessons. Ever since I was a child I have always known what I wanted from life. I’ve never been without goals. Except now I am looking for “home” through the internal maze of consciousness. I am not depressed.  I have bouts of sadness at times because of loss, changes, and those who have come and gone, leaving me to question my humanity. I am left to question my character and how I have been part of others and their drama. But, I am aware that we all live through this because it sums the total of our lives. Without reflection and deep introspect we are nothing.

I was driving back from town early this morning and out of the blue, tears began to flow. I was overcome with joy, giddiness and something else. I know there is no such thing as “out of the blue” because inside of each one of us we know the answer to every moment, feeling, and choice. Our psyche will form false illusions through ego, but we all have the answers. I pulled to the side of the road shaking off “the whatever issue” that was strangulating me. Even though it felt good it also felt sad. It is that “whatever” attitude that brought me into releasing the tears. I was admiring the scenery coming up the mountain as the sun was casting minimal light through the fog making the bright colored leaves even more magnificent. I began to say the word, “home,” out loud.

I am home. At this moment I look back at a some very difficult years. I’ve had to re-establish my sense of identity and my purpose as things have evolved. Every change and challenge has pushed me to question my sanity, beliefs, and connections. I’ve made plans and now have had to deviate from many of them. However, the new journey has been delicious because it has shown me other parts of myself. But, at times thoughts transpire and I recognize them as small hiccups that push the internal needs to frustration.

The Divine has reshaped the map to the future with some humorous points. At times I see the irony and humor in the childish idea that I have control of my life. The joke is on me! I realize what home is now. I see it through the faces of loved ones, the places I’ve lived and the memories collected throughout my days. Home is deeper than a place of residence. It is something in me that remembers and settles with ease. This could be through anything. Home is the essence of who I am.

Something happened when I had the near-death experience almost three years ago. Something significant came back with me deleting all sense of fear. Normal problems now seem ridiculously dramatic circumstances trying to push my higher evolution to learn quicker. In this state of awkwardness I let things fall too easily at times, while at other times they grab a hold of me and suck the air out leaving a vast emptiness with answers to no questions. I don’t understand the struggle here on earth. I don’t comprehend the suffering. Where I went in those moments of leaving my physical body I was at peace.  I was engulfed by a light of love. Nothing compares to that. And this morning as I witnessing the reds, oranges and yellows on the mountains, I recognized that sense of awesomeness that must be experienced as I let go. I keep surrendering with constant clarity that whatever is ahead is rigged in my favor.

I want to live fully. I want to live to the highest desire of my authentic soul. I want to live with passion even when I have no clue to what is ahead. I want to watch sunrises and sunsets as often as I can. I want to see my children grow old, experiencing the magnificence of life. I want my friends around me through the tough and easy times. I want to drink wine, slack off, chase fairies at night, have fun, and still be responsible to know better. I want to keep waking up every morning to the smell of this body aging, growing, and expanding. I want my mate to hold me, touch me gently, wipe my cares and tell me that we will be together until we are not. I want to be guided my synchronicity and serendipity. I want to live a life that is meaningful to that light I witnessed as snow was falling outside of the hospital. I want to continue to hear autumn leaves wrestling while mimicking the sound of rain. I want to experience the changing of four seasons for sixty-something more years. I want to look in the mirror and see the best of me that no other person will ever see. I want to meet strangers and give them a smile to take with them. I want to continue to want things that money can’t buy. I want to stop the urgency of hurt in others and let them know that they are not alone.

Life is truly a bitch at times, but we get this incredible opportunity to make it whatever we want. This is our home. This is my home. Mass consciousness carries energy and it’s time to alter the negative vibes and make them positive ones.

I have become little in my “knowing” while constantly being bombarded by my guides and the remnants of passing souls on a day-to-day basis. It’s not easy to live among the living and still have a foot firmly planted through the veils of reality. I returned from that other dimension with a keen awareness of the miracle of consciousness. There is no description that can do justice to the world outside of this physical one.

Even all these years later I try to make sense of my need to go home when I see beauty unfolding as I did this morning. I continue to struggle with fitting in my body while feeling comfortable in my skin and those around me. I have this achy feeling of not belonging in this reality where the complaints outweigh the contentment in humanity. I haven’t a clue of what I want, as I used to, for so long in my life. There is no grounding until we wake up as spiritual beings. I feel that clearly nudging at me through meditation. There are people truly battling the claws of death through illnesses and they are holding on to life with passion (sometimes through fear). I am blessed to have a chance to stay here and breathe one more day.

We, in this human form, waste so much precious time expecting others to make us happy, tell us what we need and should do, and give us a reason to wake every morning. We live with constant stress of perfection that doesn’t exist. We want to know without having to walk the path. There’s no way! It’s better to live with the wisdom of experience, the open heart of love and the in-between world of accepting that we are spiritual beings having a human experience. It’s okay. It is in that world that, I guess, I find home time and time again. The sadness comes and goes. Joy and grace visit just as often. I will continue to move through this world holding tightly to what I do know is true for me.

As I type this I am witnessing the essence of earth dancing outside. This is the quietude of presence that assures me that what’s to come is beyond anything I could imagine. It’s in that anticipation that the willingness to continue spoils me and brings me joy. Won’t you meet me there? Grab a hold of your truth and let it evolve into the best you there will ever be. Your thoughts are ripples in the waves of mass consciousness. Together we will make this place home!

Ageless Soul

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I have in my possession a few things older than me: my grandmother’s Italian espresso maker, her wedding dishes from Germany, an original Geisha Japanese doll from a century ago, and photo slides of times before I was even conceived.  I am sure there are other items in my care that are older than my human 47 years.  But, the oldest thing that I have is my soul.  It is ageless.  It has arrived here willingly accepting the ignorant, stubborn, difficult, and silliness of my humanness to travel in this incarnation.  This soul has decided to witness the manipulations, rejections, and lessons of my personality while sitting back and waiting for me to acknowledge truth.  This soul has guided me in moments that I felt were my last, and in other moments that have birthed me with new knowledge and awareness.  Because of this I know my soul is ageless, timeless and priceless.

Whenever I look at my hands they feel like the oldest things I own because of the wear and tear they have endured.  They have touched, caressed, and loved deeply.  But, still they aren’t the oldest things in me.  My soul knows secrets that go beyond my age and experiences.  When I allow the openness to lead the way, magic is created.  That’s intuition!  It happens through synchronicity and serendipity…or is it a prearranged destiny that I am finally aligning to it?

We arrive into this world with amnesia.  We forget the reason we are here and what needs to be done.  We travel unconscious and erratic while waiting for someone to explain the meaning of our lives.  When we begin to honor the authenticity of spirit the soul starts to show us truth.  We begin to meet the teachers along the way.  Events, circumstances and the depth of life proceed to show us the reason for our existence.  It doesn’t happen quickly.  It arrives through small moments, conversations, listening and tasting the simple things around us.  It comes through the whispers of prayer, meditation and creativity.

Whether you believe in past lives, reincarnation, or other metaphysical subjects, there is an understanding that our souls are much older than our bodies.   I know things that make no sense to me.  I have no clue where the information has arrived into my brain.  And, because I sometimes have little filtering the words shoot out before I can analyze and retrieve them.  This is when I witness firsthand the vastness of my soul, the ageless miracle of spirit.  The unknown makes its presence known and connects to another soul.  It is mystical!

Have you thought about the age of your soul: the weight of its knowledge; the size of its information; the connections to those around you; the lessons it wants to teach you? They are beautiful and awed-stricken thoughts.  If, and when, we let go of the idea that we have control, the soul flourishes.  It blossoms and appreciates the awareness of ego finally letting go.  It teaches you faith, belief, hope, and grace.  Your soul, my soul, every soul, is here to learn, love, and experience life to the fullest.  It comes in with obliviousness and slowly starts to remember its purpose through the whispers of the heart. We begin to remember what we were programmed to forget through society.  Surrender to your yearning. Listen closely.  Be present.  Follow your intuition.  It is there that the soul smiles and claims its presence while guiding you to the greatness of your evolution.
“Put your ear down close to your soul and listen hard.” ~ Anne Sexton