I Wasn’t Me


I found a box of pictures last night of when I was in my twenties and thirties.  I was shocked to see how lovely I was.  I never had the body of a twelve year old.  I was always curvy and full.  I was always dieting, worrying about my looks, and never enjoying just being me.  I look back and  I was definitely pretty.  I didn’t know it at the time. It wasn’t until recently that I actually met this woman that is now fully present in my body. That’s the thing with each passing year…while you are in your skin without acknowledging your worth and truth you just don’t accept your loveliness, beauty, and radiance.  I was all of those things and didn’t even know.  I wasn’t me.  I was pretending to fit into a life of a society that expected perfection. And because of that I always picked partners who would instill the lack of worth in me. It was a wonderful dramatic play. I needed to show I was a good mother, a wonderful business woman, a magnificent housekeeper, and a decent lover.  Everything had to be just so or what would the world think of me?  Nope, I wasn’t really being me.

This morning I glanced over at the middle age woman on the mirror brushing her teeth.  She’s no longer embraced by that lovely youth, or the concerns of opinions.  The purple and blue highlights in my hair along with the fairy tinsel strands were magnified with the bathroom lighting. The dark circles under my eyes and wrinkles diminished as I looked deeper into my soul.  I smiled.  “Ok, this is me.  This is the hippie lady in the mountains.  This is the me that was in there all along. I love you, lady.”

When was the last you actually looked at yourself and acknowledged your beauty: the inner and outer radiance of your soul?  We can live in the past mourning the loss of what we had when we didn’t even know we had it because just like now, we don’t live in the present.  We live in the past and the future.  This moment now….this minute stand back and tell yourself how beautiful you are.  See and feel your worth.  Stop the negative self hatred.  Love who you are right now.  It’s so important.  You will never be this young again.  You will never exist in this exact breath.  Take advantage of it.  Be gentle, be loving, and feel the magnificent spirit that is occupying the body.  You are amazing.  Be you today.  Forget who to be when the world demanded that you be one way or this way or any way.  Be the you that is here now!  Have a blessed day, darlings.  I love you all.

Fierce Love

hands of time

Not long ago I received a beautiful email from an ex that touched me to the very core of my spirit.  He wanted to congratulate me on my new relationship as he had been keeping up with my blog.  He also wanted to tell me that after so long he had come to the realization that no one ever loved him the way I did.  In my “fierce unconditional love” he couldn’t breathe.  He felt that he wasn’t enough and constantly pulled away.  Now after a long while, and moving onto other relationships, he realized that he not only deserved that way of being loved but he wouldn’t settle for anything less.  I was moved by the many things he wrote, even the depth of his gratitude and wishing me well.  He hoped that my fiancé never took me for granted because he had and it was a regret that required self-forgiveness.  In retrospect he wrote that I “taught him to love” and he was worth it.  He thanked me for the way I made him believe in himself.

Confirmations come from the most unlikely sources.  Love…that powerful movement of energy that runs through every cell of our bodies is also the substance that makes us uncomfortable if we’ve never really embraced it in ourselves.  Some people, and I speak of my adopted children as well, reject it.  Because they never had it as infants or toddlers, they will push it until the emptiness is all they bathe in and accept.  In romantic relationships it is the wave that brings forth the past, carrying with it scars and stories that serve little purpose into the present.  This man’s email was a gift.  I often think I am too much in the love department.  If you aren’t ready for me I think I suffocate with the emotion through over zealous actions.  I don’t mean to, I just see the light and bask in it.  I don’t mean to raise anyone up on some throne but when I fall in love I see the beauty in others.  Even in friendships I find the light of divinity smiling through my heart.

When I left my ex after 18 years he said the same thing in different words.  He called me up several years later intoxicated and told me that he was traumatized.  Woman after woman, relationships blending into others, one-night stands, and he could not grasp the love I gave him for so long and then stopped because of his destructive behavior.   He knew he was addicted to attention and acceptance.  He craved for the grandiose moments that come in new escapades and adventures.  But, after removing all the women from the stories he realized that he couldn’t duplicate the love I had for him.  He knew that no amount of money could buy it.  He missed being loved with such gentleness and endless acceptance.  My heart cried for his pain.  I have cared deeply for each one of my relationships.  I’ve ended them with an openness that is rare.  I have been grateful for the lessons.  I send them love and happiness in my prayers.  I just love myself more.

Any kind of love requires truth, patience and acceptance.  The baggage we carry into relationships is often times the reason they don’t work.  Strong personalities will reject change.  Traumas will sabotage any form of happiness.  Stubbornness, rejection, insecurities, and doubt will break the magic.  Loving is easy.  Letting go of a crappy ego is not and it will fight to make its point through self-worth.

Love!  Love deeply and openly.  The right person will not fight it.  He/she will begin to see the worth.  We all deserve this worth.  Do not rearrange your life to meet another half way.  Love unconditionally.  Love with the fierce passion of your heart.  The universe will align it with someone who can appreciate it, deserve it, and return it with the same significance.  When you love openly Spirit manifests beauty, hope and an endless amount of serendipitous possibilities.  It is delightful!

“The price tag that you put on your soul will determine the people and circumstances in which you find yourself.” ~ Shannon L. Alder