Living in the Present Heals
When do I heal? How long is this pain gonna take?
I get asked those two questions often. My answer is always the same, “It will take whatever time it has to. When you finally forgive that person and/or yourself the process will become lighter. But, it might just be ongoing. I don’t know!”
We carry battle scars. We relieve memories as if they are happening right now. We tell and retell the stories in order to be heard or accepted or whatever. The point is that the pain cannot leave us while we are continuously entertaining it. The healing can only begin when the focus is removed.
My mother visited me in a dream last night. She came in with the same intensity that was her aura while alive. She visited with anxiety and judgment. She sat with criticism and doubt. What had changed was my ability to see her as all she was and not own her pain. Her pain was how she moved and controlled others. In my dream she no longer had power to do this to me. She can’t decide my life choices. She cannot manipulate my fears in order to force me to make life decisions that align with hers.
I love my mother. I loved my mom because her lack of understanding and heartache forced me to be the woman I am today. She died without healing completely. She didn’t know how to let the battle wounds heal. And she took those scars and pain daily to manifest hurt in those around her. She lived in fear of judgment from the world and became the biggest judge of all.
The best lesson my mother has taught me is in letting go. It’s to be in the moment and forget those things, and folks, who have created aches in my heart. Every so often those wounds might resurface but I sit with them and send them back to where they belong…in the past. My stories mean nothing today. Every action and reaction has allowed me to get here.
So…the pain will continue for however long it has to in order to get you to start living in the NOW. Give yourself that gift. It’s a PRESENT you can count on. ~m.a.p.
Paying an Invisible Debt
My darling fiancé, Matt, likes to quote Mark Twain, “Worrying is like paying a debt you don’t owe.” I am reminded that worrying solves nothing. It’s like filling an imaginary bucket with fears. The false impression of controlling an event is what gets us stirred up in the first place. Everything does happen in divine order. When he says this quote I am able to move from a small doubt to the knowing that I have no dept to pay.
Each person moves at a different spectrum especially when we are being tested with huge obstacles, events, and challenges. Life does not happen to us. Life happens through us. When we let go of those stressful strains that fill our spaces, trying to fill the empty bucket with anxiety, we let go of the struggles. Ah! There is a battle always going on inside of us: ego vs. spirit. We are such complex beings, because we are created in the image of divinity, but we fight against it. The ego loves to create the lie of separation.
It is said that time heals all wounds. This is only if and when we are ready to release what has hurt us. I’ve known people whose wounds are older than me and are still living in the memory of the event and trauma. Surrendering, letting go, releasing…these are all beautiful words of wisdom. They sound simple. It’s like telling a person who lives on adrenaline to stop and relax. How? How can one start to let go? How do we release the illusion of fear? Not everything that needs to be learned is pretty. Some things are monstrous, shameful and horrendous in nature, but it is those things that require release the most. Piggy backing secrets is a sure way of stomping growth and the flow of life. And because we are creatures of habit and patterns the fears of past events overcast the future. The distress of unknown factors create a mountain out of flat land.
I said to Matt this morning that life is an adventure. He answered, “Not always, babe.” I then said that not all adventures were fun, exciting, and wonderful. Some adventures are pretty darn nasty. I am learning everyday to throw caution to the wind or at least giving it a try. As a friend recently said, “We can achieve anything as long as we get out of our own way.” I am constantly reminded that what keeps me from achieving anything is me. What allows me to grow is me. What allows me to release is me. What releases the drama is me. And, at times what creates the same drama is me. I am getting better at releasing and surrendering. I don’t recognize the woman I was just a year ago, or even five months ago. I am peeling the onion layers at a time, but instead of getting smellier as I get to the core, I am getting sweeter. It isn’t easier to face those things that have no answers at this moment. It can be scary. It can be daunting. But, I do realize the need to abandon all control to God. His master plan is flawless, even when I don’t like it. Life is orchestrated to be lived through layers of complexity and simplicity; dark and light, yes and no. The duality of everything makes us, breaks us, and re-creates us.
What are you willing to surrender in order to start living an authentic life? We all have to be honest and determine what’s important. If your past is killing you then stop looking at the rear view mirror, you don’t live there anymore. Sharing and letting go frees the skeletons in the closet and allows you to finally bury them in the ground. You are only responsible for your life and your choices! Stop trying to pay debts that aren’t due or owed or even in the near future. If you must, live one-second-at-a-time because during some circumstances living one-day-at-a-time seems like too much. And that’s all we can do to surf the wave of uncertainty.