I read a quote today from Susan Abrams Milligan: “When writing the story of your life, don’t let anyone else hold the pen.” Powerful words! How many times do we allow another person to dictate our worth? How often do we change our thinking, our moods and our decisions because of another? Usually we do this in relationships, especially women. We do allow another to determine an unhealthy dependency. I decided a few years ago that I would not let anyone hold the pen. I spent a lifetime with others abusing my emotional state in order to take control. I made a point of not only holding the pen, but making sure there’s no other form of writing aids. I am the only one who could write the story of MY LIFE.
This past Saturday afternoon Matt and I sat for a bit looking at the pond in the retreat center. My cousin snapped this photo without us knowing. It speaks volumes to me of how I feel with this man, about this man, and for this man. We have this simplicity of allowing, loving, and accepting that I’ve never known before. We can sit for a long time next to each other without uttering a word. Every so often we will smile, ask for a kiss, touch one another lovingly, but return to the book, the story, or whatever else we are doing. The easiest way for me to explain is that he’s the wave and I am the ocean floor. We fit without expectations or needs but we flow together. Because we love the outdoors, books, movies and writing we share a mutual respect for solitude, serenity and space.
The picture also happened to be taken minutes before we moved to the red chairs on the dock. I took my cell phone out of my back pocket so it wouldn’t fall in the water but somehow it slipped out of my hands, and dove into a suicide mission never to be seen again (bubbles surfacing as it sunk many feet into muck). I laughed it off because I am the one always telling him to be careful with his phone! This wonderful man went inside the house, changed into shorts, and tried to go into the icy water. I assured him I didn’t need it. I could go get another one. He insisted that he could retrieve it (to get the TMNT cover he had gifted me) until he put his toes in the water and realized no way, no how was he going in! We both laughed. Our laughter is contagious. It is in those moments that I find the simplicity in him and the magnetism it brings out in me.
I used to ask myself, “Is there true love? Is there a perfect person out there for me?” I never doubted the answer. I manifested him years ago but it took time for me to heal, let go, and surrender to my desires. It takes time for dreams to align in perfect Divine order. He is more than I could’ve asked God. In his gentle ways he brings me to the truth of myself. I fell head over heels in love with his intellectual no-nonsense mind that is the other side of everything I am not. I don’t hide or hold back any emotions. He calls me on my crap and I need that. I need people in my life who can keep me in check. I don’t do phony well. I can’t handle superficial personalities. With us, what you see is what you get. There is no guessing what Matt is thinking or what I am contemplating. I definitely have no poker face!
Just like the picture there is a place in our presence that allows us to be together beyond space and time. Moments come and go without the need to force anything. He brings out the best in me without anxiety, fears, or pretenses. We are one of the same. It was a month or so after we began dating that I looked at him and my soul knew instantly that he was the one I had dreamed with all my life. As Emily Bronte once wrote, “He’s more myself than I am. Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same.”