November Full Moon

I wrote today. A lot. We had a snow day and the kids gathered around me playing, watching TV, while I ferociously got words out into pages of my journal. I don’t know how I could possibly have so much to say. But I did. Each line flowed into the next. Every so often I would put the journal down to feed them and stains of food would find way into pages. Signs of motherhood I guess.

And I wrote some more, on this full moon, creating and manifesting. I’ve asked with full intentions from my desires. I wrote until they took naps. Then I meditated. I lit my candles, burned my sage, and said my prayers.

There is magic getting dreams out in the open. There is mysticism that seems to align quicker when words or pictures are present.

Tonight take some time to manifest. This moon is powerful and directing us to find truth. It’s almost the end of a year. It’s been one of the hardest and most challenging for me in about a decade. It’s taught me more about myself than any other time. I’ve falling in love with so much that I never knew I wanted, and I’ve let go of so many other things that had me hostage.

Today I took a lot of time to cater to those things: the good and bad. It was a beautiful way to spend the day.

Sending love to all.

Purpose is Fueled by Desires

What brings you joy? What is the one thing that stops time for you, and makes you come alive? What would you be doing if you had all the money in the world to pursue? What is the hobby or dream or talent that you wish you could do always…all day long?

For me it’s writing, especially about meeting people. It’s the words that come alive on the screen as I piece together a story…and the things I feel take shape in a way that transport me to a single moment in time.

It’s memories and how a touch, a smile or someone’s kind word transforms me. Those moments get to live in my computer or journals. They flow effortlessly out of me as I tend to them with sentences.

I’ve done many things in my life. I’ve worn many different hats. I’ve owned companies and have worked myself into pure exhaustion. I’ve gained and lost and expanded. The one thing that brings me back to life is writing every morning after my meditation practice. It’s in these times of pure conscious awareness/awakening that I can clearly see my purpose.

Then it’s gone. It leaves me quickly when life begins to reappear outside of my little Cosmic world.

The kids need me. The bills need tending. The laundry piles up. The house has to get clean. I have to get to work. The hubby needs something. And life happens. To each one of us, it’s one thing or another.

There is purpose in the mundane routine but it doesn’t make us come alive. Cleaning a toilet for me isn’t as inspiring as sharing a story or writing about speaking to my higher self and guidance. Folding laundry isn’t as fulfilling as speaking with someone who needs a cheerleading session in love or a lift to feel that they matter.

Pay attention to those things that make you smile and fuel your passion. One day (soon as I continue to super manifest) I will be collecting stories, full time, from different corners of the world.

Now you…go write down those things that you dream about and start working on making them real. Reality is always available once we place our purpose on our top priority list. And remember not to stop living in the now by obsessing about tomorrow or regretting yesterday. You have purpose in all you do, and you deserve to live a life that brings you endless love and passion.

I love you.

Follow Your Dreams

For as long as I can remember I have ached to live and travel to all corners of the world. I have yearned to hear stories told and shared from everywhere. I’ve wanted to touch and inhale the essence of humanity, the borders of humanness. I’ve wanted to study empathy and compassion and what moves us to be who we are. I’ve been fascinated by spiritual and philosophical issues.

Reality has stopped me. I have had many lives in five decades. I have lived splendidly in ways that could fill several lifetimes. However, the edge of civilization is still waiting. It is luring me strongly. The gypsy in me has been held captive for most of my life. And this is alright! No shame in living a magical life full of lessons and experiences because that has brought about my authentic evolution. But, as of late, something has occurred: the calling has now become a scream. There are no whispers nudging at me to go out and reach the world. It’s more like speakers in constant noise screaming full blast, “It’s time now! Do something, woman!”

How does one follow these voices and nudges that bring us to the edge of the unknown? Responsibilities come first. I have a four year old and a one year old arriving soon. I have a husband. I try to shut it off. I have done everything to stay within this world of responsibility with no regrets because I truly love this life. Yet, nothing stops the purpose that has also been yearning and pushing me to find more stories. And, they do show up through serendipitous moments. They unfold right in front of me all the time. I am always in a state of awesomeness hearing the three things the human form searches: joy, love and faith. It is still not enough right now. Maybe this is a midlife crisis. Ever since returning from Peru my soul has been deeply restless dreaming and manifesting. Perhaps this yearning is an existential one. I don’t know!

I must stand back and really take time to figure things out. I know in the core of me that I am to merge my life with the world. Even in small dosages. I am on the edge of answers. I feel them knocking in meditation. I see them evolving in dreams. Signs are all over the place and guidance is slowly showing me. I need to sketch the details, ironing out financial responsibilities against the dreams and trusting I am always being supported for me and my family.

Don’t you feel the massive changes happening as well? Don’t you feel the bursting out and metamorphosis? It’s powerful.

I am slowly figuring out how to move through this point. I don’t know how or why this is happening now. It happened several years ago as well and my life changed drastically. I do know that something is about to explode, expand, and take off from me in order to reach my soul’s yearning. It’s been slowly building up and I am paying close attention. I am no longer able to stop this excitement or craving. I am setting the Muses free without restricting myself. I always feel that when we truly sit with the feelings, rather than avoid them, we create. We must iron out the doubts and fears. Write out everything so we can see it all…and then wait for the magic to take form.

I see it. I feel it. I can taste it. I am honoring it. I might not know how it will all come together but I am holding on to the feeling of it excitement.

Your Story

Tell me something I don’t know…

the charisma that

defines and expresses

the things you leave behind

that no one else has known.

Share your story right now:

the joys,

the sadness,

the in-between,

which molded you

into this spectacular current chapter

of your memoir

that now includes me.

Let me touch each syllable

in your words

as I trace your lips to find their truth.

Shower me with your adjectives

and enrich me in the beauty

that you have witnessed.

Grab me with your verbs

making me delirious with excitement

for the things that have

taken you here and there.

Carry me with your nouns

to all those places I’ve never visited

and let me see them through your eyes.

Let me enter

into you

to finally become us

in this grand experience,

this guided journey,

full of interconnected stories

with sentences and paragraphs;

questions, exclamations, and periods;

indentations, spaces, and pauses.

Allow our humanness

to unfold,

discover,

marvel, and share

without ever having to worry

that you are alone in this exposition.

Let this composition end

with the knowing

that the Divine has been

the narrator of your saga

and all that you are

has been a plan to teach you

that love is all we need to

gather in this adventure of life.

Love Letter

In the midst of all turmoil
I find love folding over us
like a love letter
sealed with a kiss
and fragrance with
the sweetest smell of lust.

I find your words wrapped
around my skin
in continuous poetic phrases
savoring my very essence.

I find your tongue licking
my paragraphs and whispering
sweet and dirty nothings
before signing your name
on my back
and folding me in tiny pieces
to carry in your pocket.

The Connection

Words are uttered onto a page

like waves gently sliding into shore –

this is my terrain

allowing the flow of emotions without hesitation.

Injunction, introduction, information and imitation

of all that lies within

through cautiousness and clarity

while consenting to the beauty of each sound

and sketching it neatly

on the script.

Sleek and slender symmetry of lines

crossing in and out

while a cursor leads the way

confessing a truth to who I am.

With each character drawn onto the page

syllables flow into a conjunction of rhythm

parading into adjectives, nouns, verbs and such.

And, then magic happens as a connection

between the word and the reader

become one

through eloquence of language

manipulated with effortless control

while letters dance around to create

one sentence,

another,

and then…an end

to a story that now engages

you

and me

for just a little while.

The Sum of Stories

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We are the sum of our stories. When I began my blog and writing publicly a few years ago I feared sharing anything too personal. But, as I met other writers I let go of the fear and began writing from a place of vulnerability. It’s never easy to let go. At times I have shared way too much of the scars, the rawness and the sensitivity. And in those times I have received some amazing heartfelt private emails from folks in different parts of the world saying, “Oh my gosh, I am going through this too!”

The act of writing is based on releasing all expectations. I don’t write for anyone. I write because something inside pushes and pulls me to release. And, sometimes I need to step back and recognize that there are things too private to also share with the world because once it’s out there I can’t retract them. There is such a thing as hanging your dirty laundry for the world to see.

Here, I tell you…the only thing you can do for your soul is to create from a place of truth and wonder. In this place there is an endless source of awareness and love. Write, paint, create all that’s inside. We will always teeter in the unknown. Don’t create to be liked. Don’t put things out there that you think will be accepted. Put your work out there because it is coming from a spiritual connection with humanity. We have the most awesome opportunity to inspire others every day and receive endless inspirations in return.

We tell others to be brave because we know that it is a conscious choice. Bravery is a commitment between your spirit and the heart to keep going. It’s a relationship that requires acceptance while releasing any sense of victimization. So next time you whisper to someone, “You are brave! I love your strength!” Feel it in the core of your own existence. Courage comes from falling while not allowing yourself to permanently stay there having a pity party.

You are courageous every single day. It isn’t until we see it in others that we remember our awesomeness. And if you don’t recognize your greatness when you are with loved ones then you need new folks in your life. Like, seriously! Look at your circle of friends!!!

You are magnificently created to be in oneness with others. We become mirrors of one another. Creating and sharing are art forms for seeing the uniqueness in our hearts and souls.

Thank you for the constant source of love and support. Thank you for showing up and being with me on this Mystical Journey. Mucho love!

What Do You Want To Do With Your Life?

 

follow-your-dreams

I was at a women’s retreat two weekends ago and most of the ladies there are following their soul’s purpose. From an herbalist, acupuncturist, massage therapist, reflexologist, Reiki master, sound therapist, and other modalities, these women are on their loving paths. They have followed their dreams and passions. It was a bit intimidating to sit among them and still not know what the heck I am suppose to be doing. My identity was tied to the motel/retreat center for over five years. Before that, it was tied to the business world of industrial parts distribution. And, now, here I am in the second part of my life and I haven’t a clue what I am suppose to do with my life.

Here’s the delicious thing about not knowing what to do: others have no problem letting you know what you should be doing because they see your strengths in places you can’t recognize. So, I made my rounds with these magnificent women asking for help. I would ask, “What should I be doing? I feel so lost in my professional path.” They all had one good suggestion after another…most of which I didn’t really want to do. They didn’t feel right, even though they sounded so yummy. Then a sweet lady said to me, “You are a fairyologist! Oh my God, what more do you want to do?” I had to laugh out loud until I almost peed in my pants. Seriously? She was actually serious about this. This fairyologist title was an endearing label that came as a joke from my husband back in April for my birthday. He paid for a fairyology online class. I passed it and Bang…I became a fairyologist. It’s a funny story. It’s not a profession. Yes, I talk to fairies, rocks, trees, and anyone who will listen to my excessive jabber. That doesn’t make me a professional in something. It just heightens my eccentricities out to the world to witness and poke fun at.

I looked at this woman who is a professional and had to seriously question her insight. Then I chugged the entire conversation and asked her again what she thought a fairyologist does for a living? She hadn’t a clue. That ended that series of thought-provoking-life-changing Q&A’s.

I think about the many folks who have asked me these type of questions: “What should I be doing with my life? What’s my purpose? Should I go back to school? Should I move and start over somewhere else…?” When I had the retreat center those were some of the many intriguing questions. Everyone is looking for answers. And I would always give them the same response: “What do you feel like doing? What makes your soul come alive?” Most folks would honestly answer, “I really don’t know.”

But we DO KNOW. We are just afraid to tap on that source and be led by it…until we are brave enough to entertain the idea without feeling guilty over the million responsibilities we have in our lives. Unfortunately, we’ve been taught in this society to put everyone first before our own dreams.

And right now that’s my own answer. What I feel like doing is traveling, meeting folks all over the place, and writing about them everyday. Sort of like the Humans in New York blog. I want to write about people from all walks of life because we learn from each other. I want to be present in their presence. I want to share stories that pull and push compassion, kindness and empathy out into the world. And, I want to get paid for doing it. (This is important because I have a little one who will be going with me on this trip and a husband).

“What would that look like? How would I start? What needs to be in place to get this dream in motion? How can I make money from the road doing what I love: talking to people, taking their pictures and sharing their stories?”

I haven’t a clue…yet! But I DO KNOW that it will show up soon.

I don’t do labels well. As in a previous blog post, I am not into titles. I have a hard time adjusting my fairy ass to one label. It isn’t who I am. I have a psychology degree and have worn many hats in this lifetime. I get asked who I am and what I do and I freeze like a possum playing dead. Seriously, it’s sad! I can never remember that I write, or that I have raised six children and redoing it for the seventh time. Like, my brain goes dead when someone asks me what I do. The question should be, “What haven’t you done thus far?” The list might be shorter and my brain may actually work with an answer. I have led a charming interesting and passionate life. I have done a lot of things that I don’t recognize as important but to me they were invaluable. And I thrive on doing more of what brings me pure ecstatic joy on a daily basis. If it makes me laugh, it’s even a larger dream come true.

But, for all of you who are on the same path of self-discovery, I urge you to dig deeper. Go to retreats and classes. Surround yourself with people you admire and see how the magic begins to unfold. It’s in sharing and exhaling with others that we find our authentic powers. Google the crap out of possibilities and spend time alone researching what feels good for your soul. There is no right or wrong answer. There is just an endless path of possibilities. Also, get rid of expectations. They serve nothing but disappointment. Just do it...like Nike suggests!

Have your gatherings. Have your reunions. Exchange information and recognize who you are and what feels good when you are among others. The right angel and person will show up. I have a meeting with Destiny soon in regards to my life’s work. This I know. I feel it. Until then…I am who I am making my way home just like you, paying my dues, and cleaning out old karmic debts. Have a blessed day!!!

Making My Way Home

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I am not a teacher. I am not a guru. I don’t have answers to all the wonderful spiritual questions out there. I cringe when someone asks if I am psychic. I related a message to a woman the other day from “beyond” (or what seemed like her deceased grandmother) and she asked if I was a medium. I answered, “Nah, I am a large. I haven’t been a medium in some time!” It took her a second and she continued to ask more questions that I just couldn’t answer. I can’t take titles seriously. I can’t take any of those labels to heart. I am currently having enough issues dealing with daily life…just one of those challenging times. Next month it might be different.

I continue to struggle with writing and sharing my shenanigans. I question the things that I know for sure. I have nothing to offer anyone but the spec of hope and faith that I, myself, carry at all times. That’s sufficient for me, but I cannot tell you how to attain it. Don’t ask me how to start a spiritual practice, how to meditate, or how to use your intuition. I don’t know. I only know what works for me.

I love reading the wonderful emails and messages when someone asks me about relationship advice. God knows I haven’t a clue how to direct you to attain a relationship or keep one happy. I am nowhere near “A Dear Abby” columnist. I don’t have the answers for you on what you should do. Sometimes the stories ring similar to my life and I can project a suggestion. But, please don’t take it to heart. Don’t follow my every word. It’s not fair to me when things start to fall apart and you return to me with a broken heart. I warn everyone that I don’t have the answers!  I am just like you, googling everything all the time.

Let me tell you what I know for sure: I can take care of me. I can fall on my ass a hundred times and get up a hundred and one. That I know for sure. I know what is good for me and what is not. I know how to decipher spirit messages for me and when to shut ego down (once again, for me). I know what works for my children, each one is different. I know how to manifest when I have a visual of what I want. I know how to create a loving home. I know words…and the power they bring with them. I know how to love deeply and how to let go when I need to. I know when to rid myself of toxic-emotional vampires in my life. I am certain I know some other simple things. Oh, and one thing I am certain of is that I laugh at things that others find improper. I love to giggle, poke fun, and create space for silliness even if I am the only laughing in the room.

But, I don’t know how to help you fix your life. I don’t know how to fix my own many times (in one day). I don’t know politics or religion well enough to debate with anyone. I don’t know crap about mathematics or chemistry or history. But, give me a clear night and I can sit on a porch and babble about the universe and what it means to me. I can talk to you excessively about racism, prejudice, brokenness, and the arrogance of humanity. I have answers to some useless questions like, “how and when did sticking your middle finger become a thing of insult?”

I hate to disappoint anyone. This is why I didn’t become a therapist. This is also why I am not a teacher. I don’t want to tell you what needs to be adjusted for your life to work out. I am, just like you, following a make-believe map (sometimes reading it upside down) trying to make sense of life and this journey. I am merely trying to find the path to a life that’s fulfilling and authentic for me.

If you want to laugh…I am here for you. I got you covered! If you want to play, call me, I will make time for that! If you want to know about fairies and mermaids and other elementals…I am your girl (as long as you don’t take me too serious). I am an expert at nothing. I promise you this. And, always believe someone when they tell you what they are…cause they know it. I know me!

I have come to terms with my own dysfunctions, eccentricities, and illogical OCD bullshit. I, often, write just because it’s excess that needs to purge and I share because someone might relate in a humorous way (and other times in a serious manner that can help you hang on just another day). But, I am, by no means, an expert. So please, forgive me if I don’t give you the answer you want to hear. You know yourself better than anyone. You have your own journey to explore and live. I am just making my way home like you.

I love you…

The Experiment of Time

 

experiment of time

Some years are pretty uneventful with life changes. You go through the daily routines, family issues, keeping the same jobs, everyone is healthy, same friends, and life is pleasantly stable. But, there are some years that come in like a massive tornado storming through everything and twisting your life around. This year has been such a year. Truth be told, the past two years have changed everything in me…drastically.

In a year’s time I’ve lost loved ones to misunderstandings and family gossip/issues. I’ve cleared up my friends’ list and stuck with deleting those who didn’t really show me the utmost love and respect. I got married, still in the process of finalizing the adoption of my granddaughter, closed down a business that was running for over 5 years, moved to a sweet mountain cottage, returned to work for others after having had my own businesses for over 20 years, began writing professionally as well, and awakened to many different possibilities that continue to appear every day. I have seen dearest of friends endure difficult life transformations; my children make painful choices; dealt with major stresses involving mental illness and destruction in loved ones; and realized how much I have enabled many around me with my mother-hen personality. Things have changed with all the awareness. A year has brought me closer to many whom I wouldn’t have been closed to before. I have met amazing souls.  Most importantly I have made peace with me. I’ve forgiven myself for a lifetime of self-deceit. I have had to really take a look at how I participated in all those experiences. This has been an experiment of time and how reality has been molded by my awareness. I had to be honest with my spirit and sometimes that’s not a pretty sight.

I have had several other things happen this year: personal ones that have deepened my faith, spirituality and belief system. I have entered into the wise years of midlife with some acceptance that I KNOW NOTHING of what I was able to articulate for most of my life. I know zero…zip…nada!  I’m okay with that. It’s actually quite perfect. I am learning to keep my mouth shut to those around me of things I feel, but my ears opened to the things I can share. In essence, I have molded my higher wisdom with my sarcastic soul. I am no longer afraid to reach out to a friend or stranger to give a message from a loved one who has passed on. I don’t shun my gifts like I used to.  But, in spite of all these amazing awareness, my heart has been broken beyond words, betrayed, healed and enlarged because of such acceptance, conviction and awareness. This has been a year of transformations.

I am empowered by a few things: the surrendering of pain, the consenting of change, and the reward of letting go. It isn’t easy! I am still very human and learning is a constant complex forte. I think if anything the lessons have continued to show themselves about letting go, but I am consciously aware of them. I continue to be selfish with my time, even now that it seems to move quicker with a little one in tow, and the solitary moments of having Divinity visit every morning. I require time alone to feel the union of nature, divinity, and my spirit. I am trying to find balance where there seems to be a disproportion. But, it is all a matter of perception. I have always wanted this moment and this life. I feel gratitude embracing me when I step back to realize I have received everything I’ve manifested in my dreams.

A year in a life can make a huge impact. Anniversaries of hurt and betrayal stay for a while. The year is over. The mourning has subsided. I have so much more to enjoy ahead of this journey. All hours work with the days whether we accept them or not. Each day works beautifully within the weeks. Each week flatters the consecutive junction of months. And, each month gathers in triumph as the sum of a year. It is nothing in the scope of reality. Everything is an illusion of how we choose to live our lives. Every lesson this year has been inspired with surrendering, love, compassion and most of all connection of self and spirit. The greatest exercise has been in loving the tenderness of time. Holding my two year old and feeling her joy, sadness, love, and spirit has been the icing on the cake this year. Writing and expressing myself has been the most powerful awakening experience. What better way to begin a new chapter?  May your painful endings connect to wonderful new beginnings…always!