Being the Spectator

I took a Kundalini yoga class early this morning. It was the perfect gift for entering a new week.

With each breath cycle, prana, I allowed the life force in me to clear out stagnant energy. Every pose allowed for the vibrancy to rise and fall.

I became the spectator of my stories for that hour… releasing and returning to me with each passing minute.

I am learning the gentleness of me. Of not pushing what doesn’t feel right, even on the yoga mat.

May you find yourself in the driver’s seat witnessing it all without judgment.

I love you. Mucho.

Sacredness of Ceremonies

There is sacredness in ceremonies, in gathering with others to bless and heal. Circles, fire, chanting, prayers, meditations, cleansing and other rituals are there to maintain a sense of creation through divinity. When two or more gather there is manifesting on all levels and realms. It’s mystical!

The Sacredness of Ceremonies allows me to ground myself beyond words. Rituals and gatherings raise my frequency to more love and infinite abundance. Judgment disappears. Vulnerability unfolds. When I moved to these mountains years ago I dreamed of a tribe that would support me and my heart. It was slow to arrive since I kept growing spiritually and was disconnected from many who were not on the same journey. It has taken some time but in the last few years I keep meeting the most intuitive and amazing people. I am so blessed to have found so many folks during this time, and it continues to grow with like-minded individuals who are connected to their spiritual truths. These are teachers, students, and true guides from all walks of life. My soul is filled with joy and humility because what I’ve asked for continues to expand. I am touched by stories, experiences and wisdom from so many sages.

And I am loved. That love is constantly being paid forward. It’s purified through the acceptance and knowing that I am receiving messages through others and their stories. I am in awed of what appears when I no longer try to control the world around me.

If you don’t have a tribe please find a way to create one. Take time to connect with others. Social media is excellent for this. Find groups and interact. Your soul isn’t meant to be alone. If you live far from others there are ways to connect through technology.

Be blessed and continue to manifest your desires. You grow through each little wish made to the heavens. You are magical. I love you. ~m.a.p.

I NEED A FAVOR, PLEASE!

please-help

Every so often I get a request to fund someone for something: following a dream, going on a trip, buying something that will change their lives, and so on. I wish I had the financial means to help every single person who sends me these messages. I think about all the times that I have been down to my last penny and someone reached out, unknowingly, to help me. There are angels among us at all times.

I have a hard time asking for help. So, let me just state this right now before you keep reading….

Yesterday I was in my favorite yoga class. I was entering that space of Nirvana, breathing in and letting go. This is the space where I easily leave my body and my mind goes completely blank. I was on my back, on the mat, when I felt something coming up and buzzing from inside my sweater. I gasped, sat up and started that dance we all do that jitters us into looking like we are fighting someone, slapping the air. A stink bug fell on the floor while my heart had come up to my throat. My dear, compassionate, humanitarian friend next to me picked up the bug, got up and left the yoga studio to set it free. (She’s magnificent cause that bug had just a few more seconds of life left in it). It took me a few minutes to return to my center. I recognized the disconnection, the foreign feelings of fear, and the paralyzed voice that comes with it. I worked through the panic mode…after all it was just a bug.

Please stay with me and continue reading….

Here is the thing, I tend to leave my body quite often. I consciously travel away from it in moments of deep relaxation and meditation. I also travel a lot in dream state. So, that moment the bug started to flip its wings coming out of my sports bra shattered the world of my dimensional travel and brought me into a state of unknown. It was too quick and the discomfort lasted for some time. I was thrown into panic mode because I wasn’t in that studio at that moment. My ego was also completely asleep and its job is to always keep a watch for danger!

A few moments later the teacher asked us a simple question as we were doing a pose. “If you were asked to make a list of the things you love, would you add yourself to that list?”

Suddenly I missed the bug. I felt bad for slapping it out of me. I felt bad for not loving it the way my friend loved it. I continued with my poses and recognized that it did take me a long while to add myself to the list of things I love. Oh my goodness…like a lot! But I redid the list, carefully going through it on my own later on in the practice and I kept adding myself after every single thing I listed that I loved. The rest of the hour was dedicated to loving me.

And, so here is my favor: Would you be so kind to fund yourself with love? Would you be willing to make a list and add yourself to the top of everything you want? I need you to do this for your soul. I need you to start a Go-To Fund for loving your beauty and exquisiteness without putting all the things that you dislike about yourself.

I need you to do that for me. I need you to donate your love for YOURSELF right now!

I believe we love to help others before we recognize and acknowledge ourselves. Most of us give openly and love how others feel when they receive. It’s always easier to extend an arm out than to bring it to our own hearts. Right?

Every part of your being needs love. That little stinker bug reminded me of a time that I felt like a stinker bug. I didn’t care much for me. I felt yucky and nasty and completely unlovable. I felt unworthy and kept carrying past voices and delusions that others tied to my esteem. If I was slapped one more time I am sure I would have stunk up the room like the stinker bug.

But, today, I have started by own Go-To Fund for Self-Love! It’s simple: start your list and keep adding to it the things you love about you, the things you want in your life, and the people you love. Eventually that list will allow the Universe to align with your desires and it will no longer be a list, because it will just become YOU.

Have a blessed day, sweethearts. Be kind and generous with you. Do the things that your heart and soul crave to do. Stop asking for permission from others. Stop waiting for others to fund your worth. You got this!

Gentleness of You

gentle

There is a delicious yoga class, and its sweet instructor, that I like to catch whenever I can once a week. Unfortunately, it’s on Wednesday mornings and I cannot always attend. The yoga place is far from home but this instructor is worth every mile down the mountain into the city. Before each class, Laura (the perfect yogi), shares a quote, discusses something spiritual for practice or just gives a word to take into the hour and fifteen minutes. On this particular day she said that even though the class is called Gentle Flow, that there is nothing really easy about the class. Sometimes in that gentleness and slowness things get stretched and opened. Many times the only thing keeping you is returning to your breath and being aware of all the tightness in the body. She’s right. There are times I have gotten a huge workout from just the simple and slow stretches.

I have thought about her teaching for some time. I am always saying to folks, “Be gentle with yourself.” This doesn’t mean be easy or lazy or live in a constant flow of letting go. It means be kind. Be present. Be available to release whatever comes up without having to run from it. Just like this particular class, gentleness has a way of tapping into the most intense parts of our psyche and body. Gentleness is the essence of pull and release.

Being gentle means having consideration and softness. It means allowing things to rise and fall without pressure. Yoga is showing me parts of my body that I never recognized were tensed. I have been using muscles through these gentle movements that force me to feel deeper about how I carry my stress, emotions, and challenges. I can’t imagine taking one of those intense classes with head stands and fast pace movements. This “gentle flow” works well with where I am right now in my life.

I remember reading a quote by novelist Richard Paul Evans that said, “Sometimes its not the strength but gentleness that cracks the hardest shells.” I happen to believe this to be truth. True gentleness goes deeply into the hardest parts and opens us into who we are meant to be. These days I am moving through a different form of flow. I am embracing the middle age way of carrying myself in the mornings. There are days that my body cracks like a bowl of Rice Crispy cereal making all sorts of sounds. I am forced to be slower and kinder. And, when I speak to myself, in meditation or prayers, I am being conscious, courteous, and cordial with my higher self. I am by no means impatient during my practice. It’s about the only time that I feel the gentleness of the universe embracing me…just like in yoga.

Grace and forgiveness seem to be growing through me these days. There is delicious flow of these aspects arriving through lessons, awareness, and the beauty of accepting all parts of my imperfections.

And now you….

Allow gentleness to flow through your spirit. Don’t talk about yourself in a negative tone. Don’t complain to others about what you can and cannot do. Be kind with your words. Be available to accept defeat and continue through perseverance. You are magnificent. Recognize this greatness and stop the busyness of avoidance. This is life. Be gentle with the journey and yourself. Be the love that gently moves through your heart and onto every other person you encounter in your day.

gentleness

My soul honors yours

namaste

There are days that require more inner self-awareness than others. Some days demand acceptance and a higher state of consciousness to take the wheel. I recognize I am not in control. I can only continue showing up, day after day, to learn, experience, and travel towards the end of my last breath.

After only sleeping 3 hours last night, I decided to run towards yoga. I figured it would stretch and open up space for whatever is causing my lack of sleep the last few days. Sitting outside looking at the stars in the middle of the night isn’t working. Meditating relaxes me but it isn’t putting me into sleep. Deep breathing alongside our Great Dane isn’t helping either. “Yoga,” I thought, “Would do the trick to get through the crevices and gaps of my body that seem to have an inability to find a dream state.”

So, yoga it was! Because…I have some brilliant ideas every once in a while.

I am extremely open minded when it comes to people. I could care less what anyone wears, believes in, or how they express themselves as long as it’s not hurting me (or anyone around me). I am oblivious to my surroundings as I have learned to detach from all the energy around people. I, basically, stay in my own little world.  Very few things can rattle me.

The class was full. I took my mat and placed it in the middle of the room in one of two spaces available. A sweet young yogi took the last open space right next to me. He was adorable. But, within minutes I became uncomfortable. I have a keen sense of smell. I am put into shock with certain scents or odors. I had to stop the gagging reflex. This smell was poignant and it took more than half the class for me to be in the moment. I even envisioned a huge flood of lavender and eucalyptus waves hovering around me. To no avail! I couldn’t concentrate or get comfortable for a long while.

Now, you must ask, “Why didn’t you get up and leave?”

I asked myself the same question a few times too. I tend to withhold space even in discomfort. It sucks at times, while other times it is priceless. I have a relentless tenacious gene. I knew there was a lesson in this situation. I felt the tears come up in anger for wanting a self-loving class where I could just relax and be.

This was the best thing that could have happened for my soul…today!

The entire discomfort obligated me to focus on letting go. I had to adjust and readjust by own internal senses, judgment, and find empathy. I had to cut through the bullshit of my moral compass and find compassion for every pose. I was forced to visit some things that I find intolerable and must address (cause I tend to put up and shut up sometimes for way too long). There were moments I held my breath until the pose changed. This caused so much heat in my body, that I began to feel light headed. I, also, felt that the one hour and fifteen minutes seemed to last three hours.

And, then something happened towards the end.

I no longer smelled the cutie pie next to me. I didn’t feel anything. I had opened up space for three women who are having some major issues. I was able to send light, love, and the extension of peace. My heart softened and opened up. I felt me again. I felt my muscles relax. My mind stopped reacting.  I had to reach that inner peace, on my mat, before I could have provided it for anyone. It was a struggling time. It was ridiculously challenging for 75 minutes, or 4,500 seconds of my day. The moment I chose to zoom out of the room, into a higher state of consciousness, I felt the release of ego. And, a deep sigh escaped my body in a silent room….ahhhhh!

Life can be hard. Choose to shift perspective. Let things go. Why the hell do we resist the crap that comes up? Why do we stay, or why do we go? Why can’t we just dive into the discomfort and see where it takes us?  We’ve been conditioned in our society to find quick fixes to replace the discomfort.  This is why addiction is present in so many.  We have been taught to survive and not exist. We avoid anything that puts a little inconvenience in our way.

I want to live. I want to exist. I want to not feel as if I am surviving another episode, circumstance or situation. I want to embrace the lessons and pray that the next one is sweet and delightful.

It doesn’t matter if it’s through silence, odors, sound, or the Ego chit chatting excessively in our heads. The universe will provide the most amazing opportunity, usually through a negative vehicle, in order for us to learn. It’s up to us to be selfless and find the deep awareness to recognize the invaluable lessons. Discomfort is the priceless teacher in the journey. Today you may find teachers in your path that will make you think and rethink who you are, what you believe, and the things you are no longer willing to tolerate and accept.

Allow for those teachers.  Make space for them. Thank them.

When I was packing up, rolling up the mat, I bowed my head to the young yogi, smiled, and thanked him for participating in practice with me. He smiled, bowed and returned, “Namaste!”

My soul honors yours. I honor the place in you where the entire universe resides.

I am grateful for those souls who instruct me with their presence. I honor the divine light in them, the truth in us, and the ability to love freely.  The universe has a way of providing everything we need when we are ready to accept.

The Gentle Flow of You

I’m on my yoga mat completely conscious of my breath, the space in between the gaps, and then something breaks. It’s loud. It is so loud that I think the entire room hears it. This explosion of deep emotions rushes up and I can’t control the tears. My heart literally feels like it’s cracked open. No one notices. I am in the back of the room. They are also in their own explosions and thoughts. I am aware that certain poses, especially the most gentle ones, reach the crevices of memories. I begin the stupid game: “what’s real right now.” Breath becomes my anchor. The child’s pose is all I can do as I wet the mat. This is all I can do right now without judgment.

I don’t know, especially in a wonderful happy Saturday, why I am visited by such depth. It’s okay. I don’t recall having made an appointment with my emotions but it’s okay. I make room for this visitation through gentle flow of practice. 

We want to be heard. We want to know someone has us in their thoughts. Before I entered the class I received a beautiful private message from an incredible sweet woman I admire. She said the most loveliest things…. Things that are hard to hear at times for me. But I received them with joy and gratitude. So there on my mat I exhale the spaces of worthlessness from the crevices of my cellular memories. 

“F@*k this sensitively! Toughen up, buttercup!” (And a few Spanish nasty words come through as well). I think so clearly in deep ache and I feel anger rise for a second, or minutes. But I recognize the exquisiteness of being an empath. We feel deeper and wholeheartedly, especially when we don’t want to deal with our own bullshit. Cause God forbid we are truthful with the reality of what’s truly going on in our lives. We want to be loved. We want to be seen and heard. We need to feel supported. There is a human necessity to know that our purpose isn’t just love, but the connection between one soul. 

This is absolutely unacceptable. We are not to place our worth on anyone else to reflect it like some funhouse distorted mirror. We are responsible for our own power so to feel the need to give another the right to tell us how they see us, how we come across, and who we are, is freaking ridiculous. 

Isn’t it? Really? So egotistical of the mind to expect gratification for our greatness from another. F*€k that!!!

If you can today, pls love yourself so deeply that any love out there doesn’t come close to your own love affair with self. You are magnificent. You do not need to label your worth by how others see you. Don’t freaking toughen up. Be gentle with you. Let it go and allow your light to guide others. I love you.

The Body’s Storm Surge

Friday morning I took my first yoga class in years.  I went into it with confidence and giddiness.  I was going to start strengthening my body.  I thought yoga would help me with stretches and concentration.  Actually, I don’t know what I thought now that I sit here writing about it.  I just went in there believing that I could get something out of it…a wholeness of sort.  The hour and a half was wonderful.  It was “gentle yoga” – whatever that means because I got to a point I couldn’t feel anything but pain.  As a matter of fact I ended the last poses by remaining in the child’s pose while everyone else was in some sort of constriction.  I didn’t have it in me.  I was breathing heavier than any hiking I’ve done up these mountains.  I was pooped.  My favorite part of the yoga class was the last 10 minutes of meditation.  Hey, I am up for that any time!

Now, like any physical modality that moves energy through the body, this yoga session kicked my immune system to the curve.  I have been purging from different directions of my body.  Saturday morning started with headaches and the sniffles, (and other stuff that doesn’t need explanation).  Sunday brought the aches and pains, the congestion and the body tension.  I mean, let’s face it the yoga was more like a private session with Yoda commanding my body to loosen up and let go in order to reach the truth of who I am.  My body has been releasing toxins in ways that I don’t care to describe.   Even emotional blockages have opened up just a bit.  I can still hear the petite yoga teacher in my head instructing to “breathe in..hold it…ahhh, exhale! One more time….”

My best friend asked me yesterday if I was going back next Friday.  Absolutely, let’s get it all out!  Let’s see what else is inside this body that is trapped and creating blockage.  Let’s get this physical body to align with the spiritual one and whatever else yoga does.  I am on board.  I will just keep stocking up on tissues, migraine and cold medicine, toilet paper, and whatever else is needed to continue purging.  I am in for the long haul.  I have to believe that I can withstand myself for an hour and a half doing “gentle” exercises and breathing.  I can do this.  I know I can.  It might take some time but the end result is… well, I will get back to you on that!

Just like the storm outside this morning due to Hurricane Sandy, my body is going through its own detox.  It is pulling and pushing and swirling in distress.  I hear the wind chimes dancing chaotically to the heavy winds.  I hear the earth breathing, holding it, and exhaling as if it was doing an intense yoga pose.  Every so often there is silence and then it picks up again in fury.   My body seems to be in rhythmic mode with the weather.

I believe that our finest moments usually occur when we are in discomfort.  That’s why we exercise and push our bodies to crazy measures of challenges.  It is all about stepping out of our ruts and finding a ground to firmly stand on.  Yoga, hiking, cycling, etc. create a space inside that pushes our spirits to twist and turn, but eventually find peace.  The happy hormones take over and we feel a sense of completeness and wholeness.  That’s what the earth seems to be doing with this crazy weather.  This storm is preparing us for moving inward.  It provides time for us to be with those we love and ourselves.

So, while I remain snuggled up with tissues under my nose I wish you comfort and peace wherever you are.  If you are near the storm’s way please take time to be gentle with yourself.  Be safe.  This too shall pass.  Have a wonderful day!