Endings and Beginnings

My divorce is almost final in the next few months. Our marriage was held on by bare necessities for several years. It’s not easy to write about this but perhaps it can aid in someone else’s struggle. I believe when we see mirrors of our lives we feel less alone.

We failed in our marriage. We’ve played the blame-game and now we are on the other side of it. My soon-to-be-ex-husband and I share our two adopted children equally. This was truly the most difficult part of leaving him. I have never been a part-time mother. I have been all-in and the time away from them was excruciating at first. But, when each one of us have them, we dedicate fully to them.

Love isn’t perfect. I know my imperfections were magnified for a long while. I felt unheard, unseen, and constantly scrutinized. I cannot speak for him but living with a woman who completely shut down couldn’t have felt good. I could go days without speaking. I stopped trusting completely.

I will not dare say he didn’t love me enough. He loved me as much as he could. I can’t say what he felt since I don’t have a love meter. What I do know is that I became compliant and comfortable in a great amount of discomfort that lasted a very long time.

When I finally asked for the divorce, he didn’t flinch. He was concerned about our children. He didn’t ask to work it out. I had realized I was married to a stranger. I really didn’t know him. I had no clue who he was (or is, for that matter). I have learned that I wasn’t me either. I had morphed into some version of me that was not okay.

We held on until our sweet baby boy was adopted. And then the break came. I couldn’t find myself in the midst of the rumbles. I left my house, many of my things, and again did what I have always done when I am tired: leave without nothing.

Four years ago, on a trip to Peru, we were walking in downtown Cusco and I began to share intimate details of my previous relationships. He pointed out that I had a pattern of running and not taking what was mine. I would always leave everything and then started over again. He suggested that I needed to break that destructive pattern and fight for what belonged to me. Here is the thing about giving advice: when it pertains to you it isn’t easily accepted. Fighting for what is righteously mine has not been well received. Truth be told, I don’t fight well. I rather get it over with and move the energy into something positive in my life.

I believe in karma. I believe in cause and effect. I believe that what we resist does persist. The details do not matter. We are better apart than together, especially for the children. We both have our stories and how we felt in the marriage. The gaslighting is finally over. Now what is important is our children and the stability of two homes. He is who he is and I am who I am. We play as well as we can for the sake of two little souls.

There are times when the kids say they wish I was back home with them as a complete family. When they leave, I cry myself to sleep. There were months that I would keep track of days that I didn’t cry. I was shocked one day when I saw the imbalance. My sadness was a deep hole I couldn’t crawl out of. The façade of my marriage was too much to accept.  

A friend took me to the doctor after ending up in the emergency room days before with severe chest pains. I began to question my intuition, trust and judgment. As I sat in front of the doctor, my friend had to answer for me. I was depleted, exhausted (barely sleeping) and sick to my stomach. I was put on anti-depressants and other medications. They helped for a while. I eventually learned to deal with the issues in me. It wasn’t about him. He has been the most incredibly powerful teacher in my life. I had a type and now I see the patterns. I am adjusting the frequency of my attraction in partners and reprogramming accordingly. I am finally healing.

I can’t thank him enough for waking me up, even when he may never realize it. I had seen the world with rose-colored glasses. It was time to see reality. Navigating all of the ins and outs of our parental connections is the utmost importance. The rest is irrelevant at this time. It is all in the past and I wish him nothing but the happiness I was unable to provide. I respect him for being a good father to our children. He has taught me so much about strength and forgiveness in myself.

There is life after heartache. I promise you! The last few years have been about growth and getting to know the real woman in me. My divine feminine was completely asleep. I am mothering myself, nurturing the beautiful experiences in my life. I am forever grateful for a tribe that has sustained me, picked me up, dusted me off, and allowed me to evolve.

I have been putting off sharing with others for a long while. For the most part, folks have been decent and have felt something odd about my personal life but never pressured or asked. Humanity is magnificent! I am also grateful for all those who knew things that never shared while I was married. Not that I would have listened or believed them because when I love I get completely focused on giving till I have nothing left for me. I truly believe he deserved my love.

I am loving how much has changed and evolved spiritually and emotionally in me. I am stepping every single day into my authentic truth. I marvel at the experiences ahead. Love is always there waiting. It can literally walk in through your front door. It may look different, feel different, taste different, but it is always available through self-love, forgiveness and acceptance. May you find the courage to stand in your convictions and leave where you aren’t honored.

I love you. Thank you for sticking around to read this long post….
Millie

Vulnerability

It’s in the deepest state of vulnerability that we find truth to all the answers. Even if while taking chances with another you are hurt… that in itself gives you answers.

It’s all about accountability and how you show up. Would you rather play it safe and give up on all those things you dream about? Or would you get out there and courageously take the chance?

I’ve chosen to live my life connecting with others even if it feels like a challenge. I’m not interested in staying out of the arena of true authentic living. I want to live life fighting for what I want. I want those around me to join me there. And it might get bloody and painful. It might be nasty at times. But a life living with openness and courage is vital in my world. It’s also one that requires healthy boundaries and a constant amount of self-care.

Join me in this arena. Let’s cross that bridge of uncertainties and fears together. Live from love and compassion. Talk your talk. Share your life. Stop being paralyzed by what the world may think of you and put yourself out there through authenticity and vulnerability. There is no shame in that! We got this. The time is now. We are no longer able to stay in the safe zone because there is so much more on the other side as we create a new world.

I love you,

Millie

ALCHEMIZING CHAOS INTO LIGHT- I’M CALLING YOUR INNER MYSTIC FORWARD

Hello Darlings!

Deep in your heart there is a knowing that THIS IS THE TIME OF TRANSFORMATION, there is so much power available to you, your inner mystic is READY to emerge and your mission, your soul’s purpose is calling for you to rise up and charge ahead!

If you are ready to step into your mystical power and live your purpose, then this FREE ONLINE SUMMIT IS FOR YOU!

I am delighted that host, Waxela (wa shay la) Sananda, invited me to be a speaker on The Alchemy of Ascension III: Harmonizing Light and Shadow to Embody Your Mystical Power and Purpose.

I invite you to join us and gain powerful tools and insights that will help you:

  • Realize your sacred purpose
  • Understand 5D Earth and the changes that are happening
  • Receive frequency healings, upgrades, and attunements
  • Gain a deep understanding of the shadow and how shadow work can propel you into greater light and embodiment of your spiritual gifts

You will be delighted with the lineup of transformational speakers on this show!

The summit consists of interviews with masterful spiritual guides, including myself, who will share their knowledge and useful practices. The wisdom being shared in this series will help you embody your ascension processintegrate your shadow aspects, and deepen your connection to the Divine within you.

Click this link to sign up for this FREE event: https://waxelasananda.com/MParmer

About the host, Waxéla Sananda:

Waxéla (wa-shay-la) Sananda is a Quantum Embodiment Coach and Galactic Shaman who teaches courses on Ascension, Conscious Life Creation, and Self-Empowerment and Mastery.

In a powerful heart activating experience she suddenly understood her mission to speak and share about her lifetime of mystical experiences and bring together community, so that no one has to feel alone in their spiritual awakening.

Are ready to join us in harmonizing Light and Shadow to Embody Your Mystical Power and Purpose? If so, click below for a complimentary ticket!

FREE TICKET TO GET ACCESS: https://waxelasananda.com/MParmer

I love forward to your shares and the experiences you receive from this summit!

With mucho love…Millie

P.S. Who do you know that would benefit from this knowledge? Would you do me a favor in the spirit of generosity?  Forward this email to someone you care about, it could make their day and change their life!  You can also share it with this link:

https://waxelasananda.com/MParmer

Free book

Hello darlings!

I have a surprise for you!! I deeply feel that 2021 is the year that we find, and step into, our passion while letting go of all the obstacles that have kept us stuck. To assist everyone with that, I’d like to offer each of you my free digital book:

Ballerina in a Bottle, is all about overcoming struggles, self discovery, and sacred journeys. It is based on true events… my true events. May it inspire you to keep going while teaching other,s and yourself, to live fully!!

Please click here to receive your free digital copy!!

www.sacredjourneyinward.com

Simply enter your email at the bottom of the page and get the book, updates on blogs, classes, and also videos. Upon registering your copy will be automatically sent to you immediately (make sure to check your spam folder). Keep a look out for more free gifts!

Mucho love and blessings,

Millie

Meetings with God

I had a dream two nights ago… really profound. I dreamt with Keanu Reeves.


I know, right?! Keanu!!! That in itself is magical. Do you know how hard it is to get him in a dream? He’s in high demand these days.


He was on his motorcycle and he stopped right in front of me on a street in a small town. I was over the moon excited. I mean, it was Keanu in his leather jacket looking all Keanuie. My body melted. Imagine Keanu stopping to talk to ME? He explained that he wasn’t really Keanu. He was God but he was using his body as a vessel to get my attention.

Oh! He got it. I was impressed.


He asked me to climb on the back of his motorcycle. And I did, wrapping my arms tightly around him. He gave me a helmet and it had a microphone so we could converse.


So, there I was on the back of his motorcycle and we rode through the desert. I could see the Grand Canyon up ahead. The vastness of space was spine-tingling. And he said to me, “Let go. Put your hands up.”
I hesitated, but I did it. I tightened my legs against the bike. I feared falling off.  I could feel the heat against my skin. I put my arms out and let the wind guide me. The speed was enough to knock me off but I balanced myself against God and the unknown.


Then he said, through the microphone in our helmets, “Millie, let go and feel the wind. I am guiding you. You aren’t in control. Just feel the freedom and enjoy! This is how you need to live.”


I yelled, “Weeeee!” I was so full of carefree giddiness.


He laughed. And he reminded me again that He is always guiding me. All I need to do is trust. I need to move with the flow of what is and let my knowing lead.

So… God, looking all sexy on that bike, said a few more things I can’t remember. I do remember the feelings. I felt like I could do anything. And I can.


Last week I visited with God as a bodacious black woman with a beautiful Caribbean accent. I met with her during meditation. She was in a cabin in the middle of a rainforest. She invited me for tea. I smelled the sweetness coming from the kitchen and she came out with my grandmother’s delicious bread pudding. And so there we were… chit chatting like old friends, God and me.


In less than a week the Divine has found a way to connect with me. I feel something magical happening all around us. Do you? We are always so in tune with guidance. The trick is to make time to listen. And when God shows up… drop everything and tune in.

~m.a.p.

What a Year!

As we come to close this year, I reflect. It’s been a doozie one. It’s been a year of chaos and pain; loss and gains; uncertainties and many unknowns. We’ve been put through a meat grinder at times without knowing exactly when it will end. The collective can now begin to heal. You and I will do that together even if it’s from afar.

On a personal level it’s been an emotionally difficult one. I feel like I have aged several years. I am exhausted. My physical body has held on to some masterful bullshit the last 9 months. But, I am also fully aware that some years feel like a decade while others are absolutely delicious full of magic and blessings.

This morning I woke extra earlier. I said my prayers, sat in meditation and wrote out things I desire next year. I am doing no intentions. I have absolutely zero expectations for what may come. I am letting go…. on various levels. I am just releasing it to be amused and entertained by the Universal surprises. I love surprises!

This past year has definitely shown me the strength of my human heart. It has allowed me to witness humanity from afar and up close and personal. One thing I’ve learned is that no one will take care of you the way you need to care for yourself. It’s your human and spiritual duty. And, I have shifted the blame game as well. No one, and I mean no one, is responsible for how you feel. That’s all on you. You get to decide who and what you allow to take away your joy.

It’s felt like a chess game at times, carefully moving on a board, with lots of calculations, as not to be deleted from the game. It has truly felt like the world got caught up on a massive web of intricate and dangerous moves. But, here we are. We are navigating it all together and I am beyond grateful for those around me.

Be kind to yourself. I haven’t always been kind to myself this year. I’ve beaten myself up for mistakes. I hold myself accountable for shit that isn’t even mine. I have degraded this miraculous soul of mine many times. I have not spoken up when I should’ve. So the only thing I will do next year is to put her first and foremost. It’s time. I love you. Go love yourself with the same ferocity you love others. I am doing it!