The Gentle Flow of You

I’m on my yoga mat completely conscious of my breath, the space in between the gaps, and then something breaks. It’s loud. It is so loud that I think the entire room hears it. This explosion of deep emotions rushes up and I can’t control the tears. My heart literally feels like it’s cracked open. No one notices. I am in the back of the room. They are also in their own explosions and thoughts. I am aware that certain poses, especially the most gentle ones, reach the crevices of memories. I begin the stupid game: “what’s real right now.” Breath becomes my anchor. The child’s pose is all I can do as I wet the mat. This is all I can do right now without judgment.

I don’t know, especially in a wonderful happy Saturday, why I am visited by such depth. It’s okay. I don’t recall having made an appointment with my emotions but it’s okay. I make room for this visitation through gentle flow of practice. 

We want to be heard. We want to know someone has us in their thoughts. Before I entered the class I received a beautiful private message from an incredible sweet woman I admire. She said the most loveliest things…. Things that are hard to hear at times for me. But I received them with joy and gratitude. So there on my mat I exhale the spaces of worthlessness from the crevices of my cellular memories. 

“F@*k this sensitively! Toughen up, buttercup!” (And a few Spanish nasty words come through as well). I think so clearly in deep ache and I feel anger rise for a second, or minutes. But I recognize the exquisiteness of being an empath. We feel deeper and wholeheartedly, especially when we don’t want to deal with our own bullshit. Cause God forbid we are truthful with the reality of what’s truly going on in our lives. We want to be loved. We want to be seen and heard. We need to feel supported. There is a human necessity to know that our purpose isn’t just love, but the connection between one soul. 

This is absolutely unacceptable. We are not to place our worth on anyone else to reflect it like some funhouse distorted mirror. We are responsible for our own power so to feel the need to give another the right to tell us how they see us, how we come across, and who we are, is freaking ridiculous. 

Isn’t it? Really? So egotistical of the mind to expect gratification for our greatness from another. F*€k that!!!

If you can today, pls love yourself so deeply that any love out there doesn’t come close to your own love affair with self. You are magnificent. You do not need to label your worth by how others see you. Don’t freaking toughen up. Be gentle with you. Let it go and allow your light to guide others. I love you.

The Me Without You

lovers departing

There was you

before everything…

trapped in a drawer of memories

that has been moved ferociously

from one spot to another

trying to find a light that

can shine common sense

on it.

 

Then,

there wasn’t you anymore.

And life has moved on

without a single wink,

blink or sense of human loss.

 

The sun still came out.

The moon still hung around.

The seas never parted.

The earth never fell apart.

 

No one noticed how this

profound lack of love

has affected the world.

 

Life has gone on without a trace

of us.

There was you

when there was

a YOU.

 

There was me before I knew loss

when the tingling of truth,

passion and desire

touched

the core of my existence.

 

I have begged consciousness

to remind me where I placed those contents

I removed from that drawer long ago.

Now there are fragments

of us

scattered in limbo

in between here and there

lingering for a connection.

 

Will we ever get it right,

this simple thing

that reminds us of what’s missing?

Will we ever do it right

rhythmically, at the same time,

without the detours that have

erased the path to each other?

 

You were home.

You are the embodiment

that housed my essence.

Life has proceeded.

The me without you is still here.

Waiting…

Sighing…

Breathing…

Tic…Toc…

 

For a miracle

that would return my soul

to the me without you

so I can once again…

exhale without a small reminder

of YOU

and the us

before I ever vanished.

 

Truly Listen to Another

listen

For the major part of my adult life I have rarely heard when someone has told me who they are.  If you really listen to a stranger, a new person in your life, the beginning of a romantic relationship, you will find that they DO tell you who they are…for the most part (some folks are mentally ill and cannot decipher personality traits from their disorder).  Sometimes it isn’t verbal but through events and actions that leave you flabbergasted with questioning, “WTF?”  The fixer in me was always trying to take them by the hand and shake all those negative ideas of themselves.  I wanted to show them what I was seeing.  I wanted them to live to their highest potential of what I THOUGHT was correct.  This is complete and utter b.s. and arrogance.

A few years ago I dated a wonderful man, very briefly, for a few weeks.  On our first hike he kept stopping as we were trekking up this steep mountain terrain and laying down everything that was him.  He basically gave me a rundown of the things that were acceptable, who he was, what he would put up with, and so many other small fragments of his personality.  When we reached the summit I was truly exhausted but so relieved.  He showed me that hour the person he was and I truly listened.  I am so glad I did, because a few days later, in my need to bring out the best in another to my convenience, he stopped me again and reminded me how he laid it all on the line.  He was right.  He was one of the best teachers I’ve ever had in a relationship.  And, although our time together was brief, it was a powerful lesson in listening to another when they tell you who they are.  They know themselves better than anyone.

This relationship taught me about the art of setting boundaries and not getting lost in another person.   It allowed me to step back and watch the past pattern of behavior in wanting to bring another human being into my life to fit perfectly.  In my oblivious state of mind, which is a trait I cannot change, I saw the beauty and perfection of him.  But, relationships take time to evolve, and he fought me from the beginning.  He wasn’t going to change in his early fifties.  He was and is the best version of himself.  Together we would have been the ultimate disaster.  And…knowing this from early on saved us both a lot of grief.

I am aware that people have a diverse multitude of personalities.  They will show different sides to their convenience.  Some people cannot reach the emotional state early on, or ever. I understand that it takes time to learn the truth in another.  Hopefully they know their truth because some folks are just clueless!  This beautiful person showed me to look at myself and be honest with another from the very beginning.  I have taken it upon myself to do just that.  What you see is what you get.  There’s no hidden agenda.  I learned to be upfront in future relationships.  I learned to share my abilities, faults, flaws, and the things I will not tolerate.

Listening with my head rather than my heart, for a little while, allowed me to detach the desire to have a man in my life and see who he really was from the beginning.  I loved that about him.  And, throughout the years in our friendship we have always been to the point with one another.  It’s beautiful to be among a person who knows his truth.

Do yourself a favor and never ignore the words and actions from another when beginning any kind of relationship or friendship.  When someone tells you who they are listen with your mind and an open heart.  Divine guidance is there in those moments that speak truth.  And…always be honest with your feelings.  If it doesn’t feel right…drop it quickly.  You come first and foremost.  Have a blessed day.

Make Playtime A Must

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Last weekend I led a workshop on releasing the inner child near Atlanta, Georgia. It’s taken me a week to process all the yumminess and deliciousness from the fantastic souls who came out to play. I have found that within these 7 days, things from my own childhood crept up and visited. I have enjoyed the reminders and memories and tended to some of the desires that have come up. That’s the beauty of joining with others, exchanging stories, sharing ideas, and memories. It takes some time to process your own answers. Because, let’s face it, the little child in us is always needing attention. We have a habit of shutting it down and repressing the playtime because we are adults with responsibilities. Who has time to run off and get toys to play? The answer is…there is always time. You MUST make the time!

I gave a sheet with some simple questions asking about childhood. One question was, “What toy did you always want and never got?” Even though I came up with the list of questions, I didn’t answer them ahead of time. I sat with these sweet ladies to answer them for the first time as well. And, to hear all the magical answers as we went around the room, was delightful. I never got my Barbie Dream House. But, here’s the thing, I’ve spent a lifetime buying houses and decorating them as my dream house. There was something incredible about the answers to the questions and who these souls have become. Others talked about the Easy-Bake Oven and how cooking, now, is a form of joy. I had forgotten some of the most wonderful toys way back then. We traveled back in time with those answers.  It was sweet and tender!

You don’t just let go of your inner child as you grow. That little girl or boy stays there accompanying the adult in you. If you don’t take time to play, laugh, and embrace the wondrous joys of childhood you will get lost in a maze of anger, resentment, and regrets. We have such a mystical source of magic available at all times: imagination. Our imagination creates, manifests, and transcends. We think only children have access to it. But, as adults we can create the most magnificent things with this form of consciousness. It’s only a thought away!  Albert Einstein said,

“Imagination is more important than knowledge. For knowledge is limited to all we now know and understand, while imagination embraces the entire world, and all there ever will be to know and understand.”

In a workshop, class setting, or session, there is one thing that clients need: to be heard. We all want to know that we matter. That starts from the moment we are born. Each time you are given the chance to participate in a group setting, you have the magic wand to show and re-create love, acceptance and awareness. These ladies answered questions that they had forgotten from childhood. They revisited a place of joy and sometimes not so loving. They recognized things that went lost, some great disappointments and the ability to see their journey and how they got to where they are now. They’ve survived. They endured. They loved. They cried. They returned to a place of simple times. And, they are able to recognize that the little girl in them is still desiring things: places to travel to, adventures, toys, joy and so much more.

We have the ability to return to the past with one thought. We do not have to stay there. We also have the ability to move forward and enjoy this very moment. Thoughts transport us anywhere we want. Memories are time machines. We visit them through old songs, places, smells, taste, and words.

You don’t have to attend a workshop to entertain your inner child and play. You can do this every day, or every week, by allowing the little child in you to go on play dates. Make a point to take her or him to a park, a movie, a hike, pick rocks from a creek, walk barefoot in dirt, make mud-pies, go to a toy store, etc. Wear your cowboy hat, the tutus, the crowns and join the fairies and other imaginary friends. If you didn’t get your toy back then, perhaps it’s time you go find it now. Buy it, build it, make it happen and you will see a happy soul taking flight. Do not, for one minute, think that you are too old to play. Age has no limit.

I am the happiest when I am dirty in a creek collecting heart-shaped rocks. This simple act of play is a form of grounding and collecting joy. I don’t know what works for you. For me it’s being in nature. My mother didn’t allow me to get dirty. If she saw me in dirt I was immediately pulled out and sent to bathe. At nearly a half a century young, you better believe that I take advantage of dirt as much as possible. Now you…go do the things that make your heart skip a beat. Be in the moment. Embrace the child in you and love it the way you would your own child. Be gentle and caring and available to listen to the whispers and the secrets.

We don’t stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing.” ~ George Bernard Shaw

**Note: To all the beautiful ladies who came out to play, I thank you for allowing me to enter your past and present. I love you!

Our lives are Google Earth

google earth

I am now figuring things out. Like, it’s taken me 48 years to learn things I swear I knew in my 20’s. I thought I knew enough math to get through life. I realized I don’t and I am so glad to have calculators and computers to compensate. I thought I knew how to heal my broken heart, but I don’t. It always catches me by surprise when I am shocked by the intensity and disappointment each time it happens. I thought I knew what it was to let things go completely…but obviously it’s still work in progress. I am learning slowly. I thought I had a great sense of direction. I really don’t. That was truly the biggest lie I told myself. I don’t know many things I believed I should have known by now. And, I am sure in 10 years I will look back and recognized I still don’t know much.

One thing that has occurred to me is that my life is like Google Earth. When I begin to focus on one thing it can be unbearable. The minute I zoom out…all the way out and I see the big picture I realize how doable this business of living really is. It’s charming. It’s magical. It’s happening every second. So what if I suck at math, or measurements. Who cares if I get lost in my own backyard and, even a compass, can’t get me squared away. I like those adventures. I find that the one thing I’ve truly learned is how I perceive things.

There are moments, in my exquisitely dorky human form, that I tend to over-focus on a situation. I burn my brain cells trying to find an answer for what shouldn’t be entertained at that moment. Then I push my little imaginary Google magnifying glass and zoom out. That gesture in zooming out is enough for me to see all the other magnificent things happening in my life. It’s then that I recognize that I can get through this particular moment. I can overcome this challenge. I can work through the issues within the scope of my knowledge.

The other day, at my cousin’s house, we watched a super intense movie called No Escape. Kept me on the edge of my seat. Every time Owen Wilson had to accomplish something that was overwhelming he said, “Ten steps. Ten more steps.” That’s definitely doable to anyone. So now, when I come to that place of “Oh my gawd, I am exhausted…I don’t want to go on.” I recite to myself, “Okay, Millie, 10 more steps.” Who can’t afford to walk 10 steps. Like come on…it’s satisfyingly easy!

When we zoom out of the chaos, when we allow ourselves to view the giant picture from elsewhere, we can take more than 10 steps. We are able to shift consciousness and accomplish anything in front of us. We remove blinders and accept what is good, disregarding what can’t be changed right now. So if you can’t leave a job, a relationship, or you have money issues, or whatever it is that’s tormented your soul, you zoom out of that. You have a home, you have health, you have this and that…and you witness the change in your acceptance.

Life is wonderful. We get to decide how we live it. Feel blessed. You DO NOT have to figure things out right now, unless it’s a life or death situation. The rest can surely wait. You got this. We got this. Together we can accomplish much!