Ick, guck, muck and crap that ends with K

step forward

Every so often I am reminded that I need to sit down and just be with me. It’s not an easy task. I have a hard time sitting for more than an hour or two. Whenever I sit for long periods of time it is because I am mentally and physically exhausted. That’s it. I have no problem doing meditation and sitting still because it starts my day off in a sense of peace. This is a short period of time. But, force me to sit or lay down for a day or two and I want to come out of my skin.

Ah, the reminders of taking care of myself! My right foot has been swollen for days. It’s not broken. It’s something that happens to me every single time I am forced to stay still. I have avoided the keeping still until two days ago when I came home from work and the pain was shooting up my leg. I was forced to keep my leg up all day yesterday and part of today. The swelling has reduced significantly. What has appeared in its place is awareness of things I cannot continue to avoid. What has transcended is pure realizations of truth.

I was chatting with a dear friend and told her that this shows up periodically. She said it’s “ick.” I told her her it was ick, guck and muck and shit with k at the end. This whole processing and conscious awareness is not fun. I cannot take another step with pain. I cannot avoid it. Isn’t that how health issues appear? Aren’t they metaphysically created so we can deal with emotional blockages and spiritual awareness? I am not exempt from any of it. I have little patience when it comes to being ill, or having pain. I have a huge pain threshold so it has to be something that truly impedes me from moving…hence the foot.

Yesterday I spent the entire day between meditation, praying, and watching Orange Is The New Black (cause that of course is a highly spiritual show). But, hell it puts my life in perspective. It makes me feel grateful for being free and not having to be locked up with insane characters. And sometime in the afternoon this beautiful friend called me and she asked me how I was feeling and I broke down. The moment I released the bullshit about something that had nothing to do with the foot, the show, or my wonderful life, I felt the pain shoot up to my heart. There it was pure ickiness, muckiness, and guckiness. There it was all out ready to be purged from my spiritual body into the physical realm.

I hung up, returning to the show because nothing takes away self-reflection better than mindless television. It’s magical in that way. You want to avoid life? Turn on the tube and binge watch one of these silly shows. It does the trick.

This morning I woke depleted even after many hours of peaceful sleep. After my husband took our little girl to the sitters I turned over and fell back asleep. This, alone, is a sign of exhaustion. I don’t go back to sleep once I am up. But, today, just for a few hours my life was on hold. I became Sleeping Beauty. I needed to just be. I needed the shit around my head to disappear so I could get up later and write for the week. I needed to clear the crap and remember that one bad day doesn’t make a bad month. One crappy sprained foot doesn’t stop me from moving forward in a week. Nothing has changed. The pain is a reminder that I am to just be with me. I am to connect to me. I am to trust in me. The act of being still has been a teacher these past few days. I’ve moved from the ick, muck and guck into not feeling stuck. Those words with “K” at the end aren’t fun. I am not sick. I am healing from cosmic energy moving through. Awareness has been keen and present. I get it. And, now as I write this I am profoundly feeling better. I am wiggling my toes awaiting the moment I can go play in the creek again without feeling the sting of immobility.

Sometimes we need reminders of what needs to be done in order to move past the crap. When we avoid our emotions, our spiritual guidance, and physical ailments we do a great injustice to our spirit. It’s always okay. My friend said, “It’s okay to be with the ick.” It is okay to acknowledge the rough parts as well as the joyful ones. The lesson is mainly about not avoiding what’s already been trying to get the attention. For weeks I have been avoiding the voice of spiritual connection to something I have been dreaming for a while. I hesitate in each step. I have done everything possible to shut that part of me so I could concentrate on what’s ahead. The realization is that I move through spirit and I can’t avoid taking a step without guidance. What better way for the Universe to stop me than to help me see that I need to stop worrying about each step.

My favorite quote is by Martin Luther King, Jr., “Faith is taking the first step even when you don’t see the whole staircase.” It’s my favorite because I live it in the majority of this life. But, even with this knowing, I need reminders every so often.

Tomorrow is gonna be magical. I will be ready to step into the unknown without questioning what comes after. I am returning to Source as I am often reminded that it’s my power. I am a spiritual being vacating the human embodiment. And, here is clearly the most amazing journey that has been rigged in my favor. I am moving forward!

Be In This Moment

live in the moment

Brain injuries alter your life forever. In November of 2001, I had a major blow to the back of the head, leaving me with amnesia for sometime, unable to recognize my six children and partner at the time. To this day I have lost a large portion of memories that happened before that date. My husband insists that this injury correlates with me seeing things that “aren’t there.” But I saw them since I was a child. One thing I do know is that a brain injury doesn’t just have a physiological effect. It also has a spiritual one. The damage done to that part of the brain heightened whatever was already there.

My near death experience (NDE) 2-1/2 years ago took that injury to a whole new level of existence. If I felt things before then, after that “episode” I was traveling beyond realms while being awake. Now, some may say I am crazy but I have legal papers by psychiatrists that dispute that. I am constantly questioning my sanity and comparing my “sane meter” just in case. I might be a little eccentric and odd but I am a functional soul in this world. Any psychosis I may have had before 2001 was pretty much erased. This I am certain of. What is now available is a depth of awareness of what is consciousness. There is no physical way of describing what I experience on a daily basis. And, this is sometimes daunting. At other times extremely magical.

I don’t share much with people about these experiences. Every so often something leaks out and I find myself saying things that make no sense to me but they are messages for that person who is talking with me. I have little filtering when this happens. Ego somehow takes a backseat. I dislike when someone asks me if I am psychic or a medium because those labels don’t pertain to what I feel. They are not a part of this knowing. Perhaps these messages do come from some mystical place that was tapped in my brain, as my husband suggests. Maybe there is a connection between life-altering bang and the connection of mysticism. I rather not give it an explanation. I don’t know how I know what I know when I know it. It simply just exists.

The reason I write this is because you never know how mystical and incredible your brain really is until you lose a part of it. You can’t tell how miraculous it is to function when all you can do is move through each moment with uncertainty. Any kind of injury pushes us to recognize how grateful we are for our health. Illnesses and major life crisis do the same. We are pushed to the edge of something that becomes the ALL of our existence. We cling to the side of the mountain clawing our way back to the top. We want to live. We want to survive. We want to keep moving through this marvelous journey.

Do not take today for granted. Do not, for one moment, believe that you have this all figured out either. We are all walking each other home in this large experiment of life. I still have vivid dreams from my NDE. I can still smell that “other place.” I can still hear the sounds from nature when I am quiet and the earth starts to breathe, sighing for relief in the evening. I can still taste my experiences from 15 years ago. I can taste blood in my mouth, the pain throbbing in my head, and the undeniable and inexplicable confusion of not recognizing my loved ones.  And, yet, I can’t remember things that were important to my children before this happen.  Whenever I hear their stories I feel like I am listening to someone else’s life.

I clung to the side that mountain with deep confusion but a persistent tenacity won. I didn’t want to live but I also didn’t want to die. Being thrown into the confusion of having a large family, financial strains, and feeling lost are things I don’t wish upon anyone returning from some other side of this dimension. The injury was like being in The Twilight Show.

This life is not for sissies. It’s mystical. It’s a constant flux of give and take, push and pulling, and the widening and narrowing of unknowns. It’s beautiful. Do not take it for granted because you are having a rough time TODAY. It might be your last day. Make it special. We grow through grace. We are touched by forgiveness. We are pushed to places that require us to attain strength. Tell those you love that you love them. Hug more. Forgive quickly. Let’s stop the self-absorption of ego and materialism. Look in the mirror and embrace the soul who inhabits this phenomenal machine of a body. We are shifting. It doesn’t take a blow to the head or a NDE to understand this. It takes only one second of putting your hand over your heart and feeling that thump that keeps you here. Move through each thump and be in JOY!

Life is all a matter of perception. If you want to know gratitude just look around you. I love you!

That’s It Point

that's it

I have a That’s-It point of anger. It’s that reference point of “enough is enough.” It’s when I let things go and allow others to push and pull until one moment I look at them and loudly say, “That’s it!!!” My children always knew that moment growing up. They would see my eyes turn into something unrecognizable. I think everyone has a “that’s-it” moment. I have patience for a lot of things. It takes me a long time to get to that very second when I will no longer tolerate things as they are. I begin to see black and no amount rainbows or unicorns will lighten the situation. In my life that moment meant that everything I believed to be true was out the window. I would lose my head. Today I was thinking about my many “That’s-It” moments. Some could have been avoided. Others came without a warning to those who pushed and shoved and saw a woman turn different colors.

These days I try desperately not to get to that point. I don’t allow another to dictate my worth or lack of respect to then turn me into a monster. There are people out there who enjoy seeing a person lose it, escalating to the point of no return. They thrive on the energy of toxicity to reassure themselves that they got the attention and your power. It’s sick. These are the people who have such negative vibration that everything around them is always dramatic. They are also full of illnesses, major obstacles and huge misfortunes.

DO NOT ALLOW another to push you to the edge of “That’s It!” Do not give them the power to enjoy your retaliation, anger, rage, and intolerance. The world right now is having so many “That’s-It” moments. It’s everywhere. We are witnessing violence everywhere through discrimination, bigotry, hatred, indifference and lack of respect. I crave to turn those events into beautiful AHA Moments of joy. I want to believe we can make a difference when we don’t feed into such mass negativity but shift consciousness into light and love.

Someone recently pushed me to that point of pure hatred. I didn’t recognize myself. I began to enter into a depression that truly concerned me because I felt helpless, useless, and hopeless. It was the last time I have allowed another to get me so rattled up. I get lost in that anger and it lasts sometime. I traveled through darkness for weeks in silence and didn’t share with many. And, once I forgave myself for allowing that person to hurt me so deeply I was able to see the sunlight. I was able to find joy again. It was in that moment that I promised myself that I will no longer have “that’s-it” challenges because I will not excuse their behaviors, enabling them to take responsibility for their actions while throwing their garbage on me. I hope to continue evolving into a soul who doesn’t allow those things to affect her.

Be gentle with you. Be in love with you. Accept that not everyone is on your same spiritual path. It’s okay. Send them love and send them on their miserable way. That’s all you can do. But, honor your spirit. You are not meant to act and react like the Incredible Hulk! Let’s all sparkle on!!!!

Why Not?

why not

I am fearless at times. I am fearful at others. But, the things that are fearful are based on emotions, prejudices, and endless questions. I follow a dream and I don’t give up until I have truly hit several walls. I am tenacious that way…almost exhausting in pursuit of what I want when I want it. I don’t see the “cannot’s” because I am too busy trying to find the answers of “why not.” The fears don’t arrive then. The fears are born from the reactions of others who can’t see my dream. They can’t taste it like I taste it. They can’t sense the sweetness of it. They cannot even believe that it’s attainable. I fear the nonsense of those judgments. I fear the way I have stopped myself in the past because of the voices saying, “Give it up. That’s impossible. You just can’t do that! You are too old. You are this and that!” I am fearless but in the lack of “no’s” there is still a small child waiting on acknowledgment from the older version of myself. I have been known to conquer some incredible things, falling hard, breaking things inside and out, and then dusting off the dirt, pulling out the scabs, and trying it again. All because I know what I know and it’s my perception. It’s sickening to witness my own stubbornness and relentlessness. If I believe in something, I will give it my all. I am fearless at times…in that way of achieving what my soul knows to be real. It’s not for anyone else to live it. It’s for me!

You have dreams. You have a million cannot’s that are birthed in those desires. You have folks confirming that you cannot do those things. I am here to tell you that you can. You can do anything because all it takes is one “why not” to conquer all the bullshit of the naysayers. You can be anything you want because somewhere in that little head of yours there lives a wish fueled by passion. That passion comes from your spirit. You were not put on this existence to pass the time, pay bills, struggle and die. Absolutely NOT! You were created to come into this world to make a difference…if only for the evolution of your soul. Find your fearlessness. Find your truth. You got this and I know you have a dream waiting to be ignited!!!! It only takes a curious “why not” to get it going.