Making My Way Home

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I am not a teacher. I am not a guru. I don’t have answers to all the wonderful spiritual questions out there. I cringe when someone asks if I am psychic. I related a message to a woman the other day from “beyond” (or what seemed like her deceased grandmother) and she asked if I was a medium. I answered, “Nah, I am a large. I haven’t been a medium in some time!” It took her a second and she continued to ask more questions that I just couldn’t answer. I can’t take titles seriously. I can’t take any of those labels to heart. I am currently having enough issues dealing with daily life…just one of those challenging times. Next month it might be different.

I continue to struggle with writing and sharing my shenanigans. I question the things that I know for sure. I have nothing to offer anyone but the spec of hope and faith that I, myself, carry at all times. That’s sufficient for me, but I cannot tell you how to attain it. Don’t ask me how to start a spiritual practice, how to meditate, or how to use your intuition. I don’t know. I only know what works for me.

I love reading the wonderful emails and messages when someone asks me about relationship advice. God knows I haven’t a clue how to direct you to attain a relationship or keep one happy. I am nowhere near “A Dear Abby” columnist. I don’t have the answers for you on what you should do. Sometimes the stories ring similar to my life and I can project a suggestion. But, please don’t take it to heart. Don’t follow my every word. It’s not fair to me when things start to fall apart and you return to me with a broken heart. I warn everyone that I don’t have the answers!  I am just like you, googling everything all the time.

Let me tell you what I know for sure: I can take care of me. I can fall on my ass a hundred times and get up a hundred and one. That I know for sure. I know what is good for me and what is not. I know how to decipher spirit messages for me and when to shut ego down (once again, for me). I know what works for my children, each one is different. I know how to manifest when I have a visual of what I want. I know how to create a loving home. I know words…and the power they bring with them. I know how to love deeply and how to let go when I need to. I know when to rid myself of toxic-emotional vampires in my life. I am certain I know some other simple things. Oh, and one thing I am certain of is that I laugh at things that others find improper. I love to giggle, poke fun, and create space for silliness even if I am the only laughing in the room.

But, I don’t know how to help you fix your life. I don’t know how to fix my own many times (in one day). I don’t know politics or religion well enough to debate with anyone. I don’t know crap about mathematics or chemistry or history. But, give me a clear night and I can sit on a porch and babble about the universe and what it means to me. I can talk to you excessively about racism, prejudice, brokenness, and the arrogance of humanity. I have answers to some useless questions like, “how and when did sticking your middle finger become a thing of insult?”

I hate to disappoint anyone. This is why I didn’t become a therapist. This is also why I am not a teacher. I don’t want to tell you what needs to be adjusted for your life to work out. I am, just like you, following a make-believe map (sometimes reading it upside down) trying to make sense of life and this journey. I am merely trying to find the path to a life that’s fulfilling and authentic for me.

If you want to laugh…I am here for you. I got you covered! If you want to play, call me, I will make time for that! If you want to know about fairies and mermaids and other elementals…I am your girl (as long as you don’t take me too serious). I am an expert at nothing. I promise you this. And, always believe someone when they tell you what they are…cause they know it. I know me!

I have come to terms with my own dysfunctions, eccentricities, and illogical OCD bullshit. I, often, write just because it’s excess that needs to purge and I share because someone might relate in a humorous way (and other times in a serious manner that can help you hang on just another day). But, I am, by no means, an expert. So please, forgive me if I don’t give you the answer you want to hear. You know yourself better than anyone. You have your own journey to explore and live. I am just making my way home like you.

I love you…

I Don’t Have to Know You to Really Feel For You

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I don’t know you, personally. I don’t have to in order to feel your pain when you feel lost. I don’t have to know your story to understand that you feel broken and shattered. You feel alone and depleted. I recognize the fake smile, the “I’m fine” comment, and the gestures that arrive when you are hiding something because of guilt or shame. It’s universal. It is not just English. It’s Spanish, French, Arabic, Italian, and every other form of dialect in the world. The echoes in your soul are transparently opened to another who is feeling the same way. I know you. I might not be able to touch you, but I know when I see someone holding on to the edge of a rope next to the end of their life…begging to be saved. I know that look, that blank stare of frustration, that only someone who has been there recognizes. There is little hope, and I know that too. You aren’t the only soul to have a bad week, a horrible month, and a frustrating year. This is all crappy sometimes. It’s not an easy job to be in this human race.

I’m here to remind you that you are playing a game that’s created by your own programming. You are not a victim of your circumstances. You are the creator of those challenges in a subconscious level that requires some amazing awareness. Your sense of loss is very real but you get to decide if you stay holding on to the rope, let go into faith, and soar above everything else without certainty. It’s simply that easy. And, yes, faith can’t be seen, and at times, it can’t even feel real. It is a matter of trusting something other than yourself. It’s feeling the awesomeness of the universe holding you up…it’s waiting to catch you once you let go.

I don’t have to know what you feel. I don’t even need to be in your presence to understand that you require a shift in perception. You require a change of scenery. You need to abandon this moment of chaos and give yourself a break. Just do it!

Go for a walk. Go stand under a tree. Go talk to the clouds, to a friend, to your dog, or to anyone. Go chase a sunset and welcome a sunrise. You got to distance yourself from the drama of what seems to engulf this sadness. Cause, darling, there is always a way out without thinking of checking out. There is always a person who can adjust your sails and send you back on course. Reach out! You are not alone with this devastation of loss and hopelessness. I promise you that!!!

You are love. You are divinity dressed in this freaking magnificent human form. You can create anything you want…but first you must believe in YOU. Believe in every cell that consists of your physical body, every emotion that has created your spirit, and every aspect that has brought you right here, right now. Go be the most amazing form of you the world is yet to witness….! You’ve seen some spectacular things in your life (some not so great). We’ve all have…but keep going cause the best days are still ahead for you!

You Are Beautiful

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Every once in a while you need detachment from your normal life. This is why retreats and vacations are invaluable. While you are in the line of fire of your normal life, it’s difficult to gain perspective. It’s important to step away and view new surroundings. It’s imperative to stop seeing with your old-tired eyes and start refresh. It’s that simple and, yet, many of us fight the chances of a few days away. Mostly, because we fear what may come up in our realities. Perception is a true awakening wand!

So, when a dear friend asked to help her on a trip near the ocean I took it as a sign of being able to detach for a few days. The word, “therapy” immediately came to mind. I began to think of breathing spaces and feeding my mind, body and spirit on a long road trip with one of the most intriguing and wise souls I know. Cause that’s what road trips are about! They open us up, challenge us in confine spaces, and bring out lots and lots of laughter. If you aren’t experiencing these moments, then you are on a road trip with the wrong person.

Today, I was walking the beach, picking up pink seashells when a young man holding a surf board was coming towards me. I gasped. He was exquisite. In a very non lustful and loving way I felt the words leave my body, “My God…your are beautiful!” He was what dreams are made of in romance novels. Those images we think of in all terms of human model perfection. He must not have been older than 20. He stopped next to me and smiled widely which made him look even more radiant. He said, almost embarrassed, “Thank you,ma’am.”

I answered, “If you don’t know your radiance you should cause it’s just delightful!” His eyes held this twinkle and I kept on walking. He looked like a chiseled God from some movie: imagine Captain America and Thor creating a new gene pool of pure radiance, strength, and perfection. But he was humble and sweet and just lovely embracing his youth. His energy was more beautiful than his outer beauty. His demeanor made me realize how many of us don’t know our greatness, beauty, our own radiance and when we hear it it is actually difficult to take in. It is embarrassing and somewhat uncomfortable to own up to it.

Beauty is an enigma. What one person considers beautiful another doesn’t. But when you witness it, up close and personal, such exquisiteness leaves you gasping for more. It made me realize also my own youth and how I never recognized how beautiful I was. I look at pictures of myself in my 20’s as I struggled to always be thin and poise and didn’t recognize the beauty. But, there on that beach for an hour, it was hard to return to what’s not lovely when you have a moment of bliss like that while taking in the gorgeousness of a beach day. After that the air felt lighter. The sun brighter. And, the ocean deeper and ethereal than ever. Beauty does that. It brings with it a deeper awareness and frequency.

Anytime I leave home, I miss my house. I miss my peeps. I miss my familiarity. But, I needed this trip more than I could have imagined. Today’s walk on the beach allowed me to feel beauty, see it and embrace it through my own experiences.

I saw parts of me today that I hadn’t seen in a long while because life happens and I forget how incredibly lovely I am at times. I forget to count myself as beautiful, or sweet, or anything. I am always handing out the compliments. I am always feeding others with joyfulness and showing them a part of their connections that matter. But, today I did it for me picking up the most stunning shells I’ve seen in a long time.

If you get a chance… see your own beauty through someone else. Witness your own radiance. Accept the gorgeousness of those around you as a reflection of your own exquisiteness. Find compassion for yourself. It’s all magical and mystical and deeply enchanting when you accept all of you. And…you, darling…should always come first!

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Gathering of Souls


Every single time I meet Someone it becomes an opportunity to open shelter for amazing stories: the dreamers, worriers, artists, parents, children, healers, damaged, scarred, mischievous, adventurous, therapists, creators, believers, artists, doubters, skeptics, searchers, lovers, haters, naturalists, teachers, optimists, poets, spirits…on and on.  
We classify ourselves with labels. Who we are has little to do with what we are and what we do. And when you ask someone about themselves they will have categories. We relate to the titles because that’s the way we have been programmed to perceive our status in society.

I am always deeply surprised at the stories of those who are willing to share their truth. The superficiality skims off, sliding to the sides and the light in their eyes shines brighter than any star.  
These are the ones who interest me beyond mysticism. I am always in awed at those souls who do not see their light but make no excuses for who they are. They are certain of their journey. I love them! They teach me something about what I don’t see in myself. The reflectors illuminate the way. I step back and think, “How can I be more like this? How can I find my purpose and truth with certainty?”
If most people knew what was around them, the beings they carry with them: the guides, teachers, and souls who have passed on, they would release so many fears. We are always taken care of and watched over. The paradigms of our belief systems have conditioned us to live in boxes. We have been taught to follow the masses and not ask questions. Many hide behind religions, political views, and narrow-minded prejudices.  
I am so thankful for those moments when I meet truth via a new soul.  
I forget how laughter, creating, and sharing allow our spirits to soar. This beautiful forum of posting and engaging has helped us find many who understand. Thank you! Thank you for such a beautiful reminder of what is truly important in life: the simplicity of being present among another and interchanging experiences. May you find that one thing that lights your spirit on fire this week!

Color of Love

La14369904_1232138466845009_9125259672147867287_nst night Kali wanted her nails painted. This morning sitting outside with her she told me that green was now her favorite color. It used to be purple. I sat there holding her gorgeous hands out and the mere thought came through that to her she isn’t darker than me or her father.  We are all one color.  There’s no distinction between one or the other.
The world is in a constant battle over colors: skin colors, political colors, colors of flags and boundaries, religious colors, etc. It’s exhausting! But, here on my porch there is only one color that we teach this new generation: the color of love.

We are one race. We are one world. The skin color is our adornment. It’s a gorgeous tattoo from the universe to wear for all of a single lifetime. Embrace your fabulous-ness and awesomeness. God don’t make no junk.  You get to decide how you act and react in this world.  You get to decide the judgment and criticism you give and take.  You get to decide if you participate in the discrimination of humanity.  The questions are endless: How do you color your world?  What color is your love?  What color is your soul?  What does your skin pigmentation determine your conscious awareness of empathy?

I told her this morning when she said that now her favorite color is green like mommy’s that I had a favorite one too and that it was the color of love. And that one comes in every shade of the rainbow and magic. She smiled and exclaimed in excitement, “Coooooolllll!!!! My favorite too!”

 

Listen to Your Soul

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On Friday morning I got to work super early. We had a giant mess to put back together because of moving. At around 6:30AM I loaded up three drawers of a huge file cabinet, when I sat to fill the bottom drawer, the file cabinet collapsed on my back, pinning me to the floor on my stomach. I began to laugh. It was a nervous laugh that happens when I know I am stuck in a bind. I knew no one would be in for several hours. I laid there thinking, “Okay, this is not a fun way to go…someone will find me along with messy bodily fluids.” I could imagine the jokes that would come from how Millie passed on! I began to laugh harder, at which time, I couldn’t get my strength because I just felt so silly. Then, of course, a little bit of panic started to creep into my thoughts. “Like, oh my God, this is no way to go. How long before I stop breathing? And, shit, I shouldn’t have had all that coffee cause I have to pee.”

Suddenly, I heard a clear voice, that voice that comes from the cosmos with no accent and complete assurance, “Listen! Get a new soul.” Then I thought, “Oh well, here we go again. I am about to die and get another soul. Nope, I won’t come back! I am done! I ain’t having it. I am not coming back to this earthly thingy called life. Hell, no…this is it.” I am actually whispering this back out loud. Again, the voice, said, “Listen! You will have a new soul.”

After some heavy breathing, jiggling, and strength that came from I don’t know where, I was able to get out from under the cabinet and actually stand it up. I recognized then that the floor was really uneven, and had I actually paid attention, nothing would have happened to me. But, then I wouldn’t have been guided by the magical voices…because it takes all of me to be pinned and shut down in order to really listen to guidance. I have to be put into a difficult health situation in order to listen to the Universe.

Miraculously, other than a scratch on my arm, I had no bruising or broke anything. I say that because it was a miracle. I worked the rest of the day, still thinking about the voice. But, I got busy and forgot about it until 2AM Saturday morning. It was then that I recognized that maybe I did need a new soul. Maybe it was time to go see what a new soul would cost me. The maybe became quite a certainty!

I haven’t had my own car in years. My husband and I have been sharing one. I got up Saturday morning, dressed our little girl, and drove to the Kia dealership. It was 9AM and 11 men (I counted them cause it’s very intimidating to see who will attack first) were standing waiting in a sea of sharks. I made eye contact with the oldest one I could find. I knew he would listen to me. We introduced ourselves. I told him what I wanted: “I want a Kia Soul not older than 2 years old, with the least mileage and will pay X amount!”

He proceeded to try and sell me another car. I once again, looked into his eyes, and said, “Let’s start all over again. My name is Millie, I am here to buy a Soul….I am not interested in anything else.” He listened. He explained that with what I wanted it would be difficult to find something in that lot. I laughed. I told him I would be leaving with a Soul, whether it was in his dealership or another, and that I believed that if he checked in his computer there was one car that fit all my needs. “It will be a miracle,” he said to me.

I answered, “Well, I hope you believe in them, cause I am driving a new soul out of here today.”

Now, you can imagine the rest of the story. This is not my first rodeo. I have bought many cars. It’s a game of pull and push for me which I truly enjoy with zest. It’s a game I actually play very well. I might not be good at many things, but buying a house or a car are on top of my talents. The manager came to talk to me, trying to intimidate me, to which I kindly answered, “Darling, you aren’t doing me a favor by selling me a car. I am doing YOU a favor by buying one here. You have a lot of 2015 sitting out there. You need to move them. Here is a list of all the other dealerships with the car I need.” That made him go back and forth a few times. They, miraculously, met all my needs and beyond. The little old man was shocked and shared that he had never seen anything like what he experienced. He began to share about losing faith. He told me a very personal story, eyes watering, and told me that I had made a believer out of him. He just couldn’t understand why he had lost his way. His story is one of many we hear everyday about financial struggles, losing everything, addiction, and so much more. I am always surprised at the things total strangers share with me. Almost like a confessional before they die. It’s astonishing. But, a miracle did appear that day. He saw it because to all effects, there was no way in hell anyone should have sold me a car without money, and a not so great credit, and with the amount that I told them. I told him that the logistics didn’t matter to me because I knew I would have a soul to drive home in.

When the Divine speaks at times it is humorous. You can either take it literally or figurative. I have learned to stand back and allow Spirit to guide me. Whether it’s a new soul or not…it’s pretty amazing the way that things unravel if you just take time to listen and follow the magic because your Higher Self is always watching out for you!

The Sounds

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There’s a sound,

underneath the a/c humming,

deeper than your snores,

wider than the house,

that calls for me.

It is silence… and something else.

It’s faith wrapped in hope.

It’s truth expressing itself

through the core of conscious expansion.

I can’t force you to hear it.

I can’t even point it out.

The sounds must come from your own awareness.

 

But,

it is there waiting for you to acknowledge it.

 

It’s there, ever so greatly, vibrating

at some higher frequency.

 

And,

all I wish is that somewhere,

somehow,

you can wake

in the middle of the night

to find it moving through your own soul.

 

I am here.

 

I can hold your hand through it….