Softness

I was reminded by an elderly client about softness. He’s under hospice care. It was a gloomy day. He was quiet. Then he shared that he wished the sun was out.

“What will you do when it comes out?”

He answered, “I will sit outside. I like to feel the sun on me.”

“What’s your favorite part?” I asked.

He smiled, “The way the warmth feels on my uncovered skin.”

There was softness in his words. There was gentleness in his eyes and the way he shared the intimacy of feeling heat on his skin. I am reminded of that again.

There is a softness to me now that wasn’t there a year or so ago. It wasn’t there months ago. The rough edges, that perhaps no one really saw, are gone. I notice. I see the emotions flow, whereas before I was not even seeing. I was barely allowing the feelings to just subside. I stopped dissecting emotions a long time ago. There is deeper vulnerability, even less filtering in my own thoughts, self-kindness, and a profound consideration for my desires.

Softness doesn’t appear out of nowhere. It is created from the duality of hardness and harshness. It’s in the opposite state of awareness that I’ve come to understand and cherish. I have never been really soft with myself. It was a sign of weakness from my old programming. Being too soft meant being weak. Which couldn’t be further from the truth.

Until now.

Now it’s self-care and self-love. Now it is survival and acceptance. Now it is part of breathing. Now it is sensitivity and apathy but in a way that allows me to connect to the world without feeling responsible for what isn’t mine.

Softness…just is.

I am connected to universal energy through this softness. I am able to caress the parts of my heart that have needed forgiveness, letting go, and release in a way never before. May you find the softness in you.

Advertisements

Old Treasures

In the quietude of over a week removing myself from the chaos, I found time to go through old files in my computer. It’s amazing how much growth I’ve endured in the last ten to fifteen years. It’s pure expansion. Among the rummage of memories, deleting one by one, I found this one. Written in 2006, struggling to leave an emotionally abusive relationship. The memories poured out of me with tremendous force. It took, yet, another two years to flee. I took flight and it’s never felt better. It then took another three years to share with him all that my heart needed to say in order to forgive myself for staying that long. He asked for forgiveness. I happily let it go. He needed it deeply. Closure is magical.

“I Wish I Could…”

Love is Everlasting

An 85 y/o client shared the story of the first time he saw his wife over sixty-five years ago today. She transitioned a few years ago. He can’t remember how long it’s been.

“The first time I ever saw her…(he took a deep pause)…she had me.” His eyes seemed to be recollecting the vision of her. “She was the most heavenly sight I had seen after returning from Korea.”

We stayed in silence for a moment while he continued staring at the wall in front of him as if he was seeing the memories pass by. He gasped…again and then returned to meet my eyes next to him.

“What did you notice first?” I asked him. He smiled. I waited with anticipation.

“Her smile. It lit me up like I had never been lit before!”

I gasped. It was my turn to take it all in. How do you move from such a statement? Then he broke the silence.

“On her last day on earth she had the same look. That morning she called for me four times. She had fallen and I ran to her. I called the paramedics. They came and she was losing her life. There she was slowly disappearing in front of me. I knew it. We got to the hospital and her eyes on the stretcher let me know that it was the last time she would look at me that way….” Tears formed in his eyes like two giant puddles of blue water.

I asked him, “How do you come back from that moment?”

He quickly said, “You never do. Even with me forgetting things the memory of that day lives with me. I wish that was one thing I could forget.”

I am always gifted lessons when I visit my folks. Always! It’s in the smallest touch or conversations. It’s in the authentic intimate moments of asking and their willingness to share life with me.

I asked one more curious question, “Did you get to kiss her goodbye?” Tears began falling from my eyes.

He looked at me and answered, “I did. And her lips are still on mine.” He passed his fingers over his mouth.

Love is everlasting. If you don’t have this with your mate….find a way to get there. No relationship is perfect but there are moments that will be cherished in your later years. Make them special. Make them count. May your lover’s kisses be imprinted on your lips forever.

Time is in Your Favor

holding time

It’s the middle of February. Already! I don’t quite know how things are happening so fast. We are emotionally and spiritually spinning in giant vortexes. Friday night I didn’t sleep. I was in and out of meditation most of the night…swirling up and down and all around the universe. I was feeling the universal forces in motion and it felt like my heart was going to give out. Not a good feeling for an empath.

It feels as if timelines are collapsing. Every day I hear of another suicide close to me, or someone six degrees from me. The bodies and minds can’t take the changes. It’s okay to not have the answers. It is NOT okay to give up without trying to reach out. I work in mental health and I am experiencing a higher degree of de-fragments. I am witnessing emotions dictating actions and creating deadly reactions.
I wish I could say I am sleeping well. I am not. I am moving from one timeline into another. My night activities are as chaotic as the waking day time ones. I’ve concluded that even through meditation I cannot slow down the times. They aren’t suppose to be slowed down because we are shifting and it’s part of mass consciousness upgrades. Discomfort pushes growth.
But what are we being pushed into?
I don’t know but when I go into the space of love and peace…when I enter sacredness I see a different world. I can hear John Lennon’s song, “Imagine” in my heart. And this, darlings, is what I feel is the pushing. Things are changing, especially when you detach from the news and media. You will find just by looking around your tribe and circles that we are returning to authenticity and truth.
I urge you to be gentle with yourself. Old traumas and programming are coming up. We are being asked to clear the things that are toxic in our lives. We are required to cut cords of things that cause us pain. We are being redirected to notice what sets our desires on fire: creativity, travel, gathering with like-minded folks, family, nature, spirituality and so much more. It’s no wonder we are being stripped of hurt, shame and guilt.
Our lives are changing. Technology has clearly forced us to live at a faster pace but it can also be utilized to slow down. You do not have to depend on it for every little thing. If the phone rings, you don’t have to answer. The emails and texts can wait. Social media doesn’t have to be touched all day long. We have become slaved to the things we complain about…too much stimuli.
What’s happening OUT THERE is also being felt immensely in here. Politics, religion, and everything else is keeping you in a prison of mind control. You are being given what to think and digest instead of you searching for what you really want in life.
So, once again…I am retrieving for a bit. I am experiencing a lot of chaos around me. The external noises are as loud as the ones I visit at night in sleep or meditation. Something has to be done to slow it down. I write everyday and I feel I need to return to journaling and the simplicity of pen and paper. I find that in times of real healing and release it is the pen that shows me truth. It never fails since I was a little girl.
Find your center core. Time is in your favor…you get to decide how you move through these challenging times. Bring love and forgiveness to it. Let go of old should’ves and could’ves. You are here for a reason and it isn’t to punish yourself for past experiences. It isn’t to torture your soul for sins that pushed you to grow. Let that go and allow the new you emerge in peace. But, please, if you can’t find someone to talk to I am here. Email me…I will check periodically dharma.1111@hotmail.com.
I love you…
Millie

You Are Not Alone

There is nothing wrong with admitting

that at times

this is much to bear

and you must fall on your knees

to let it out,

in a sigh or a cry

because being alone is part of our existence.

All the materialism,

collection of people,

obsessions and addictions

cannot replace

or mend

that space you have

opened to Spirit –

the awed-nature awareness

that says, “Hello, look at me,”

when you feel deserted or forsaken.

Allow it. Surrender.

You are not alone.

This journey is existential in nature

and its path is lighted by sacredness.

Sometimes the ache is profound and it comes

deep from Greatness

while you say,

“Let it go. Make it go away.”

Beg, plead and negotiate.

It does no justice to that space,

to the ache from the beyond.

The heart knows nothing of negotiations;

it is driven by a vast and endless force.

Tell me what drives this alienation to such intensity.

Let me hold you and help you in your need.

You don’t need to be alone–

you are not alone.

I may be able to hold your hand,

make you smile,

and when I leave

the emptiness will visit again

until you don’t feel its desperate claws.

You will sit with it and love it

as you reach the beauty in yourself.

I cannot fix this.

You don’t need anyone

to try and mend the process of your rhythm.

This ache and withdrawal goes unnoticed by others

but it is there peeking,

poking, projecting and protruding

until it surfaces again and again.

Don’t question your faith.

Forgive yourself for anything and everything.

Question You and what You need to learn from it.

Then again,

don’t question a thing.

Let it subside on its own.

Be aware of any pain,

control, the illusion of separation

and dive into the wisdom it creates.

Be thankful for it

because it means

that you are alive.

It means you are never alone.

It means….you are filled with creation!

~M.A.P.

To all those moving through these times full of hurt and despair. Please reach out. You are not alone.