Knots of Humanity





We all.

There’s no mistake
in color, shape,
geography, religion,
preferences, belief….
The same spec of dust
from the beginning of time
runs through
veins, heart, consciousness,
lifeline and lifetimes
in each of us.

I love YOU
in loving me.
There’s no accident,
only the synchronicity
of our union
through the nothingness
and the knowing —
Or the never meeting
except within
the same air passing
through our lungs,
the same moon
guiding our nights,
the same sun witnessing
the birth of a new day.

Life is the thread
that keeps us tied
in the perfect knot
to the All of divinity.

Thank you,
Thank YOU,


The Need to Find Home


“Wisdom tells me I am nothing.  Love tells me I am everything.  And between the two my life flows.” – Nisargadatta Maharaj

I have been self-absorbed lately, so much to the point of trying to find purpose on a life I’ve created from love, faith and the awareness of lessons. Ever since I was a child I have always known what I wanted from life. I’ve never been without goals. Except now I am looking for “home” through the internal maze of consciousness. I am not depressed.  I have bouts of sadness at times because of loss, changes, and those who have come and gone, leaving me to question my humanity. I am left to question my character and how I have been part of others and their drama. But, I am aware that we all live through this because it sums the total of our lives. Without reflection and deep introspect we are nothing.

I was driving back from town early this morning and out of the blue, tears began to flow. I was overcome with joy, giddiness and something else. I know there is no such thing as “out of the blue” because inside of each one of us we know the answer to every moment, feeling, and choice. Our psyche will form false illusions through ego, but we all have the answers. I pulled to the side of the road shaking off “the whatever issue” that was strangulating me. Even though it felt good it also felt sad. It is that “whatever” attitude that brought me into releasing the tears. I was admiring the scenery coming up the mountain as the sun was casting minimal light through the fog making the bright colored leaves even more magnificent. I began to say the word, “home,” out loud.

I am home. At this moment I look back at a some very difficult years. I’ve had to re-establish my sense of identity and my purpose as things have evolved. Every change and challenge has pushed me to question my sanity, beliefs, and connections. I’ve made plans and now have had to deviate from many of them. However, the new journey has been delicious because it has shown me other parts of myself. But, at times thoughts transpire and I recognize them as small hiccups that push the internal needs to frustration.

The Divine has reshaped the map to the future with some humorous points. At times I see the irony and humor in the childish idea that I have control of my life. The joke is on me! I realize what home is now. I see it through the faces of loved ones, the places I’ve lived and the memories collected throughout my days. Home is deeper than a place of residence. It is something in me that remembers and settles with ease. This could be through anything. Home is the essence of who I am.

Something happened when I had the near-death experience almost three years ago. Something significant came back with me deleting all sense of fear. Normal problems now seem ridiculously dramatic circumstances trying to push my higher evolution to learn quicker. In this state of awkwardness I let things fall too easily at times, while at other times they grab a hold of me and suck the air out leaving a vast emptiness with answers to no questions. I don’t understand the struggle here on earth. I don’t comprehend the suffering. Where I went in those moments of leaving my physical body I was at peace.  I was engulfed by a light of love. Nothing compares to that. And this morning as I witnessing the reds, oranges and yellows on the mountains, I recognized that sense of awesomeness that must be experienced as I let go. I keep surrendering with constant clarity that whatever is ahead is rigged in my favor.

I want to live fully. I want to live to the highest desire of my authentic soul. I want to live with passion even when I have no clue to what is ahead. I want to watch sunrises and sunsets as often as I can. I want to see my children grow old, experiencing the magnificence of life. I want my friends around me through the tough and easy times. I want to drink wine, slack off, chase fairies at night, have fun, and still be responsible to know better. I want to keep waking up every morning to the smell of this body aging, growing, and expanding. I want my mate to hold me, touch me gently, wipe my cares and tell me that we will be together until we are not. I want to be guided my synchronicity and serendipity. I want to live a life that is meaningful to that light I witnessed as snow was falling outside of the hospital. I want to continue to hear autumn leaves wrestling while mimicking the sound of rain. I want to experience the changing of four seasons for sixty-something more years. I want to look in the mirror and see the best of me that no other person will ever see. I want to meet strangers and give them a smile to take with them. I want to continue to want things that money can’t buy. I want to stop the urgency of hurt in others and let them know that they are not alone.

Life is truly a bitch at times, but we get this incredible opportunity to make it whatever we want. This is our home. This is my home. Mass consciousness carries energy and it’s time to alter the negative vibes and make them positive ones.

I have become little in my “knowing” while constantly being bombarded by my guides and the remnants of passing souls on a day-to-day basis. It’s not easy to live among the living and still have a foot firmly planted through the veils of reality. I returned from that other dimension with a keen awareness of the miracle of consciousness. There is no description that can do justice to the world outside of this physical one.

Even all these years later I try to make sense of my need to go home when I see beauty unfolding as I did this morning. I continue to struggle with fitting in my body while feeling comfortable in my skin and those around me. I have this achy feeling of not belonging in this reality where the complaints outweigh the contentment in humanity. I haven’t a clue of what I want, as I used to, for so long in my life. There is no grounding until we wake up as spiritual beings. I feel that clearly nudging at me through meditation. There are people truly battling the claws of death through illnesses and they are holding on to life with passion (sometimes through fear). I am blessed to have a chance to stay here and breathe one more day.

We, in this human form, waste so much precious time expecting others to make us happy, tell us what we need and should do, and give us a reason to wake every morning. We live with constant stress of perfection that doesn’t exist. We want to know without having to walk the path. There’s no way! It’s better to live with the wisdom of experience, the open heart of love and the in-between world of accepting that we are spiritual beings having a human experience. It’s okay. It is in that world that, I guess, I find home time and time again. The sadness comes and goes. Joy and grace visit just as often. I will continue to move through this world holding tightly to what I do know is true for me.

As I type this I am witnessing the essence of earth dancing outside. This is the quietude of presence that assures me that what’s to come is beyond anything I could imagine. It’s in that anticipation that the willingness to continue spoils me and brings me joy. Won’t you meet me there? Grab a hold of your truth and let it evolve into the best you there will ever be. Your thoughts are ripples in the waves of mass consciousness. Together we will make this place home!

Sloppy Spirituality


For whatever reason we place everything before our faith and spiritual practice: career, children, spouses, house work, drama, and all the busyness that comes with our humanness. Spirituality seems to come as a last alternative, full of shameful guilt for not doing more, we touch it with half of our soul’s yearning.  Meditation and prayer come in moments of desperation. It becomes an assignment of negotiation with God.  The truth is we are spiritual beings having a human experience.

Spirituality is not perfect. It isn’t stuck in a box of rituals for each person to follow. Spirituality is sloppy and chaotic at times. Our spirits desire the awakening experience. The Divine is in us waiting to be touched and held. My mornings require ritual: lighting candles, incense, saying my prayers to enter the world, and sitting in silence with a cup of coffee or tea. I need these moments of deep awareness as I open my curtains and allow the outside to join my space. I need to show my spirit gratitude for another breath. This is not a perfect ritual of contemplation but it is mine to uncover and welcome Divinity into my day. It is mine to join with the joy and acceptance of every single day.

Spiritualism accepts the imperfections, the messy lives, the brokenness, the unsaid truths, and everything under the spectrum that we think is not acceptable in organized religion. Why do we hide behind the façade of impeccable accomplishments? It seems that faith is based on what we can see and control rather than the acceptance of the unknown. We practice spiritual perception with fear of what we don’t know and can happen. What would happen if we allow synchronicity to dictate our days?  If we moved with serendipity rather than against it?  If we no longer feared the future? What would happen to us then if we allowed something greater than ourselves to move through us as the Commander in Chief of our lives?

At the end of your life you will not regret the lack of another degree, not having bought the little red sports car, not getting that expensive house, not having enough money in the bank. You will regret not having spent more time in nature, holding a friend’s hand in need, missing your child’s recital, not taking walks with your beloved, not speaking your truth, and so many other things that might seem irrelevant at this moment. You might feel ashamed for the time not spent with Divinity, kisses from your children, hugs from your parents, and sweet words from a lover. You will wonder why you didn’t sit and relaxed more, breathed the earth deeper, and allowed each moment to count just as it is meant to touch you. The things most important in life have nothing to do with money, winning, status or work. They have to do with love, sharing and other moments invaluable to your spirit. The first and only person you need to answer to is yourself.  The second is your faith. Give each moment the degree of importance it needs to be cherished and enjoyed. Be present in your conversations, visits, and life.  Don’t waste time worrying about the things that stress you, or the to-do list. Don’t be overwhelmed with anxiety for what could not happen and participate in the moment you have available right now. This is part of sloppy spirituality:  the deep awareness of each breath, touch, and leaving everything behind. It is about reprogramming your senses, needs, and releasing the control of what we have been conditioned to be religious beliefs.

I rather live a messy spiritual life than one of conformed social expectations while living inside of a make believe fantasy that never witnesses the miracle of God. I rather behold the eyes of someone speaking with me and truly seeing their soul unfold. That’s the most beautiful form of spiritual wisdom. I can’t think of anything more whole to experience the oneness of our existence.


I have chosen to unwind today in a way I rarely allow myself to do so. I am deeply grateful for this very second. As I sit on my porch overlooking the magnificent autumn on these mountains, I feel gratitude nudging and tugging on my skin. I feel the air cooling my “knowing.” I can hear my heart escalating to each word I sound out with love. I am exactly where I am suppose to be in life. There is no more rushing. The rattle of fallen leaves sound like a river flowing around me. I am forever grateful for this very moment in life. I know that things needed clearing to get here. I feel the essence of me waking into something richer and newer in experiences. Everything I have learned in this lifetime has been a preparation for my love affair with the Divine. I am not a religious person. I am someone who lives by faith in allowing. I don’t know if there is a man in the sky looking down at me. But, I know that there is definitely something larger than me guiding the best of me at all times. When I leave the state of thoughts and analytical chit chat, I get to witness the enchantment of the God within me.
My ultimate goal is to love unconditionally, my journey is to always find peace even in the midst of chaos, and my lesson is spiritual awareness in every second of this incarnation. I feel that LOVE is my ultimate religion and spiritual movement. That’s my calling. Sometimes it’s very difficult, especially when the person is not allowing love. However, on most days, love is the light that guides me to choose humanity and compassion. And this is what brings me joy.
Find yourself in the middle of somewhere within you that can guide you to your destiny of joy. It’s never easy to acknowledge and accept the things that cause us grief and shame. But, that’s also a shift in perspective and we have to own our truth and experiences.
Have a great evening! It truly is magical!!!!

Live in the moment


I woke this morning with a sense of calmness. I slept over 12 hours last night. It’s been a long, long, long time that I have slept this hard and long.

For years I have been waking between 4:00 and 5:00 AM to do my meditations. Lately I have been beyond exhausted. I wake to move into the space of sacredness but find myself dreading the motions. This type of exhaustion is debilitating to me. I am the type of person that once I am up, I am up and running. I don’t know where the tiredness is coming from. Could it be almost 5 decades of inhabiting this existence through some incredibly magnificent lessons? Or, a toddler who is reminding me why people shouldn’t have kids in their forties? Or, is it just hormonal? Or, is it the constant negativity that surrounds the world, forcing me again to detach from social media and mainstream information? There are many questions that rise and fall at times. It really doesn’t matter why I am tired. What matters is that I continue to get up even when it feels uncomfortable, because my daily practice is the only thing that I find stabilizes chit chat and puts the ego in time out. 

I have let go of so much in the past few years. My spiritual practice is not something I can live without, especially the early morning prayers and meditation. I can’t entertain the thought of not feeling embraced by Divinity every morning. But, how does one enter the world, day in and day out, feeling completely rested? I have forgotten what that feels like…until this morning. I want this everyday.

I recognize that I am harder on myself than any other living person. I am relentless in making sure I get my things done. I am somewhat unforgiving at times with how fast I want things to transpire. Patience is non existent in my gene pool. It’s horrible. I recognize this and I also know it is often followed by a brutal state of stubbornness. I am working on clearing them both. I am truly being conscious these days of how I interact with my impatience. Every time I light a candle I state my intention with Patience and Love. You would think after a life time I would have it down pat…nope! It is an ongoing process.

I can delete many things from my day. I am sure of it. I have taken a break from Facebook. I have stopped checking my emails every hour. I have detached from drama and anyone who likes to create it. I haven’t read a book in a long time (cause I can’t seem to concentrate long enough). I have made it a point to slow down even at the anger of others who want me to react quicker. I have to do what’s best for me. But, in this interpersonal retreat I’ve noticed that things aren’t going slower for me. They seem to be accelerating and I can’t catch my breath at times. I have to constantly return to mindfulness in my day and ask myself, “Is this worth me getting anxious over? Am I happy right now?”

It truly is about breaking old habits, programming, and expectations.

The answers disappoint me. I keep hearing the no’s a lot. AND, it’s in those whispering “noooo’s” that I have found my truth. Something in this exhaustion is allowing me to push through…into something more. I cannot continue to run around in circles.

I don’t have the answers …yet! But I believe that by stepping back I will. And, I am allowing Patience to sustain me while not giving into the deep restlessness.

Meantime, my spiritual practice will continue to serve as the loving and safe haven that it’s meant to be. I require the morning rituals even if it’s from my bed. I need the space of self-reflection and forgiveness for wanting to do so much in a 24-hour period. But, I am learning to stop the madness and insanity of doing so much that I am constantly in a state of exhaustion. Who is keeping taps on what gets done or not? NO ONE! (Remember this when you believe that your to-do list needs to be finished in one day).

At the end of the day, ask yourself these questions:

Was my soul satisfied with the mindless array of things accomplished on my to-do list?

Did I have fun today?

Did I laugh enough?

Could I have loved myself better?

Did I witness the sunrise, sunset or the birds?

What can I change for tomorrow so I can be more at ease with myself?

Give yourself a break. Give up the things, even if for a short time, that cause you anxiety. This type of anxiety is born from fear (whether it’s fear of not doing enough, or childhood voices saying you are lazy). This type of anxiety is a conditioning and programming from the past. It lacks self-compassion. It’s exhausting.

Let’s find a way to break it. Allow your essence to breathe in nature and life without the constant chit chat of electronics and others. Have a magnificent easy days, my friends! You deserve it…mucho love!

Gentleness of You


There is a delicious yoga class, and its sweet instructor, that I like to catch whenever I can once a week. Unfortunately, it’s on Wednesday mornings and I cannot always attend. The yoga place is far from home but this instructor is worth every mile down the mountain into the city. Before each class, Laura (the perfect yogi), shares a quote, discusses something spiritual for practice or just gives a word to take into the hour and fifteen minutes. On this particular day she said that even though the class is called Gentle Flow, that there is nothing really easy about the class. Sometimes in that gentleness and slowness things get stretched and opened. Many times the only thing keeping you is returning to your breath and being aware of all the tightness in the body. She’s right. There are times I have gotten a huge workout from just the simple and slow stretches.

I have thought about her teaching for some time. I am always saying to folks, “Be gentle with yourself.” This doesn’t mean be easy or lazy or live in a constant flow of letting go. It means be kind. Be present. Be available to release whatever comes up without having to run from it. Just like this particular class, gentleness has a way of tapping into the most intense parts of our psyche and body. Gentleness is the essence of pull and release.

Being gentle means having consideration and softness. It means allowing things to rise and fall without pressure. Yoga is showing me parts of my body that I never recognized were tensed. I have been using muscles through these gentle movements that force me to feel deeper about how I carry my stress, emotions, and challenges. I can’t imagine taking one of those intense classes with head stands and fast pace movements. This “gentle flow” works well with where I am right now in my life.

I remember reading a quote by novelist Richard Paul Evans that said, “Sometimes its not the strength but gentleness that cracks the hardest shells.” I happen to believe this to be truth. True gentleness goes deeply into the hardest parts and opens us into who we are meant to be. These days I am moving through a different form of flow. I am embracing the middle age way of carrying myself in the mornings. There are days that my body cracks like a bowl of Rice Crispy cereal making all sorts of sounds. I am forced to be slower and kinder. And, when I speak to myself, in meditation or prayers, I am being conscious, courteous, and cordial with my higher self. I am by no means impatient during my practice. It’s about the only time that I feel the gentleness of the universe embracing me…just like in yoga.

Grace and forgiveness seem to be growing through me these days. There is delicious flow of these aspects arriving through lessons, awareness, and the beauty of accepting all parts of my imperfections.

And now you….

Allow gentleness to flow through your spirit. Don’t talk about yourself in a negative tone. Don’t complain to others about what you can and cannot do. Be kind with your words. Be available to accept defeat and continue through perseverance. You are magnificent. Recognize this greatness and stop the busyness of avoidance. This is life. Be gentle with the journey and yourself. Be the love that gently moves through your heart and onto every other person you encounter in your day.


The Ugliness of Racism


Yesterday evening I was at a store with my husband and our little girl. While he was trying on pants I took Kali in the cart through the shoe section. Kali is half Romanian and half Black. She looks like a miniature version of Halley Berry. She is super friendly, always talking to everyone that passes by. My husband says she’s like me but I think she takes the word “friendly” to a whole new level.

A little girl around 5 years old was in an aisle. Kali immediately said hello and started chatting away with her. She reached out to touch her. The little girl was white with blonde hair and blue eyes. The child left me speechless with her words, “Don’t you dare touch me with that skin! Don’t talk to me. You are gross!”

I stood there looking at the hatred from this child. The parents were in the other aisle. I immediately turned the cart around and felt such anger and sadness. I felt the jabs and stabs of unbelievable prejudice, shame and judgment. Who could teach a little girl to hate like that? Kali, of course, had no idea of what had happened. She continued waving and speaking to everyone in the store. I, on the other hand, held my tears through deep breathing while trying to send forgiveness to her little soul.

Here’s the thing: hate is not a gene we are born with. Love is. Hate is learned, manipulated, brewed and used out of fear. I live in the South. North Carolina has progressed tremendously, but I also know that some of these back roads aren’t friendly for someone like Kali…or me. I don’t look Hispanic, until I open my mouth and a word, here and there, will slip with a deep accent. I am proud of my heritage, as I am also proud of all my children and their backgrounds. My husband is as Irish white as they come. I’ve never taught my children skin color, racism, or hatred. I don’t know how anyone could involve a child in such backward thinking and disgusting behavior. Discrimination is something I judge with every cell in my body…so that doesn’t make me a very loving person.  I have tolerance for a lot of things but when it comes to humanitarian division it all disappears.

I hated myself the rest of the night for not standing there and saying something to that little girl on behalf of Kali. But, I also saw her parents. I felt their oppression. Who am I to fix something that is so deeply ingrained in the middle of a store? And worse of all…had my husband, who tolerates zero crap of that behavior, would have come out in that moment all hell would have broken loose. So hatred would have conquered and love would have been thrown out the door. Let’s face it, we don’t remember the acts of kindness when hatred is that strong. I did smile at that little girl and shook my head in disbelief. But that wasn’t enough. In my fantasy world I would have taken her hand and gently pressed it on Kali so she could witness that she was warm and loving like her and the skin color wasn’t going to rub off on her. I would have spoken with sweet words about their beauty as they both had exactly the same hair style except in different colors.

Yes, I live in a fairy world at times. I think everyone thinks like I do about love, acceptance, compassion, empathy and forgiveness. But, this world is far from being a loving one. I worry about how Kali will have to battle her way through life in many instances. Then I think about the times I had to do it while I was young, living in an all-white neighborhood, and I was the only Hispanic around. I was the different one. I was accepted because I always molded to my surroundings and once they got to know me they realized I wasn’t a threat. I was just a little girl with a different voice. The rest of me fit in perfectly.

Our behaviors, as parents and teachers, determine the future of our world…and our existence. We cannot change hate and fear with immediate love. It requires more than that. Compassion is a start but wars aren’t won on compassion and kindness. This human race is divided through politics, religion, indifference and manipulation. The moment we begin to treat one another as divinity the hatred may crumble and we will be left with what was intended: unity for all.  But, how do we start and where do we begin?  How do we fix what seems to be so broken?  How can we become one race…the human race?  How can we begin the process of humanitarian freedom that will allow for true love?

May you have a blessed day…wherever you are and whoever you are. I don’t see color, race or gender. I see souls, but I witnessed something in that little girl that scared me intensely. I witnessed a new generation of anger and intolerance without remorse. It’s up to us to send loving vibes and prayers through conscious shifting into the masses. This world really needs it!  And a shift in thought and perception may be the start of something new.