Existential Crisis

The first three months of 2020 I was writing… A lot. And I was keeping a gratitude journal each evening on my phone. When the schools let out weeks ago I stopped. Not because I wasn’t grateful for our health and for the ability to be safe with our kids, but because time was no longer available in the same manner. Now when I do have spare time I am beat.

I’ve raised six children basically on my own before this second act. Those six are grown and gone to have their own lives. This time it’s two little ones and a husband. And I look at them with joy and wonder. Many times in disbelief that at almost 52 years of age I have chosen this mothering job again. I take it seriously. And the state of the world feels heavier because they are so young…and I am much older.

Time has stopped. And I am living (as many of us are) in a loop. Just like the movie Groundhog Day, I have no idea what day it is. It’s like an ongoing weekend without the ability to physically connect with others and be in places that bring us joy.

I miss my Starbucks chai latte with no water. I can make it at home but it’s not the same as speaking to the Barista while the chocolate croissant is being heated.

I miss interacting with strangers daily everywhere without the risk of getting sick.

I miss driving. Today I got in my car after a week just to pull my eyebrows and chin hairs. It was lovely. I didn’t leave the driveway. The mirror and light in there make a difference. I miss doing this while I waited for my daughter to get out of school before. You know THAT before. Before the world stopped being the same!

I miss the human touch of friends. I miss hugs and kisses. I have them at home but sometimes, in rare moments, a friend can truly reach the depth of my soul with a hug. No words needed. It’s the most fantastic yummilicious exchange of energy.

Don’t get me wrong…I am forever grateful. For so much. I am deeply aware of how fortunate I am. Yet, I am struggling with an immense sadness. As we all are.

This is a shit show. It’s okay to say that out loud. While I know this is not just about the virus, but a massive shift in our humanity, I am mourning the life I had just a month ago. I am mourning the lives of so many. I am feeling such denseness for the turmoil, the lack of readiness, the uncertainty and the truth. Combine that melting pot of emotions with other things and, yes, it can be a tad much at times.

Every year I pick two words as my intention for the year. I picked “adventure and travel.” Oh, it’s an adventure alright. Daily! And I travel all day long from the kitchen to the living room to the bathroom and laundry room. There are several other rooms I explore. Every few days, when it’s not raining, I travel to the far end of our property to talk to myself in quietude. That’s the moment I am not cooking, or picking up crap from the floor, or sanitizing little hands. It’s just me and God. And boy, Am I keeping Him busy with my talks!

There are projects to be done. There are books to be written. Cabinets to be painted. There is a lot that I can be doing when I have those ten minutes of peace. But truly…I don’t feel like that’s important. I rather sit in the sun. I rather read a passage from a book that brings me to sacredness. I rather do nothing because in the nothingness lies peace. In that vacancy I get to feel the illusion of it all and it’s beyond tolerable.

There is an entire world experiencing loss and ambiguity. I’m grateful for my little bubble in the country setting. But, it is emotional fuckery, physical carnage and chaotic spirituality. (And yes, I am using more “sentence enhancers.” If not now then when the fuck)?

We cannot deny ourselves the emotions. And when I get on social media to escape, I read of others moving through similarities. This helps me connect and disconnect simultaneously. It allows me not to feel lonely in my own loneliness of seclusion.

I laugh. I cry. I shake my head in disbelief at times. I sometimes get angry. I even mumble a few things at the screen. But, ultimately I get to be here to keep a little bit of my sanity in tact. I get to witness the best of others.

Who knew that 2020 was really about seeing the world through new lenses? We’ve had to adjust and redefine our lives. We’ve had to purposefully let go of our dreams for the time being. We’ve had create a new state of reality. It’s a gigantic pause like never before. A pause to dive inward and pull out old traumas and triggers. It’s a pause to heal…globally. It’s not just this viral event. It is an existential crisis of the soul.

I promise you that it will be okay. I say this constantly. Sometimes I actually believe it. I thank you for being here with me. For taking the time daily to sit together and fill these pages with love, humor, and important messages. You are an extension of my life right now.

This year is a game changer. We will emerge from the flames with some massive badassery. I have no doubt.

Be safe. Be love. Be authentic. Be faithful. Be compassion. Be the best you there is.

A Social Experiment

This feels like a giant social experiment: Who will snap first in their spaces? Folks are being triggered. Personalities are truly on edge. I am hearing from so many about emotional rollercoasters all day long.

Be gentle with yourself. Cry it out. Get outside and try to release it. The not knowing when life will return is unnerving. The not being able to do your previous “normal” is daunting at times.

We are losing days. We are feeling displaced at times.

I get it. I’m with you.

This is triggering us all. Add a few kids with high energy to the mix and it is a potential mental deterioration like never before. Sometimes I feel like I’m failing. Other times like a thin rubber band being stretched and snapping. But I do try desperately to get out of my head and create a sacred space of peace. Or I remember a wonderful event in my life that I can breathe through with joy.

I seem to be crying a lot. Which is allowing things to come up and out. And I am blessed to be able to release.

I feel the collective and the sadness. I also feel the massive conscious shift in awareness. We are returning to what’s really important: love and connections.

Those who are working from home with family…I feel you. This is enhancing your creativity.

Those who are homeschooling kids…you got this. I will continue to praise and admire teachers and educators. You guys are truly gods and goddesses.

Those who have elderly family members at home…keep remembering how precious they are. They are truly feeling the angst of this chaos.

Those who work out of the home and return to those who are home all day…it’s stressful and everyone is walking on eggshells. Remember what’s important.

Those who are suffering from isolation…you are not alone. This is no time to stop communicating with loved ones.

Those who are struggling with depression…please please please get help ASAP. This is no time to put anything off for another month. There are places online.

Those who are risking it all or are getting sick…sending prayers is not enough. Sending light feels like bullshit. Gratitude is an understatement. I am awestricken by your commitment and heroism.

I love you. Each one of us is doing our best to move through this time. Let’s remember to put love and compassion in the forefront. This shit is getting real(er). Keep connecting with each other here. Share the happy moments. Let’s continue to raise our moods and energy to joy in spite of what is happening.

We are being cleansed emotionally and spiritually on so many levels. The oldest traumas are rising. The newest ones are being birthed. This is not the end. It’s a new beginning. We just need to hang on to our faith, sanity and stay in this moment as much as possible.

Stay home as much as you can. Stay in your love lane. Stay in love.

There Will Be a New Normal

We will never be the same when this global event is finished.

The normal we lived was not normal. It was imbalanced and toxic. We worked to survive the rat race. We forgot how to cherish the simple ways of life. We lost our faith and human dignity as we gave away our worth to others who misused our trust.

When this is over we will see the world so differently. We will talk about our lives as B.V. (before the virus) and A.V. (after the virus). It will become the marker of all our experiences…of a human evolution and spiritual transformation.

We will talk about how we saved the lives of billions by staying indoors. And how we came together as a community. We will share how we connected with others through the internet and became friends with strangers.

We will share about the jobs that were lost, money that crumbled and hearts that broke during the pandemic. And how we became stronger because of the lessons while rebuilding our lives in healthy ways.

We will be grateful for the medical staff, the truckers, those who deliver food and supplies, the teachers and all others who were out there putting their lives at risk on a daily basis.

We will talk about countries and how we all came together when it was over while erasing all boundaries. Hate didn’t win. Love lifted us to a whole new level of consciousness.

We will have moved inward instead of outward in a world led by materialism. We will have evolved our spiritual gifts to help so many. Healers and lightworkers will have been in the front line of the metamorphosis. The world became lighter in ways that “normal” never experienced beforehand.

We will have raised the frequency of our planet through joy and compassion. Acceptance, awareness and altruism will become a way of life across all of human lives.

We will be mindful of how we felt being home with our loved ones. How we became more creative and finished all the projects we had on hold. How our homes never looked cleaner and cozier. We filled our little lives with gratitude for what we had.

Our lives will never be the same and it’s a good thing. We will come out of this as a new world. A grateful world. A world with less hate and more love. An earth that will have rested from all we have done to her.

Normal wasn’t working for us. The new normal will be absolutely beautiful. I am holding on to this with the deep knowing that it was well overdue.

What this virus brings up

What this virus brings up…

The more time you spend alone, the more emotional stuff stirs up. We’ve never been forced to sit with ourselves like this. It’s like a huge mandatory retreat.

And retreats do this…they bring up the shit we avoid to face. They allow triggers to come up and out. They force us to look at the past, sometimes with regrets, resentments and sadness. We begin to beat ourselves up for things we cannot change.

This feels like a giant social experiment. It might feel like you’re being forced to go into therapy alone.

But you are not alone. There are millions experiencing these challenges.

Reach out. Talk to others. These emotions that are coming up have always been there but you were too busy to entertain them. Be gentle with yourself. Get to know yourself and your family.

It’s time, darlings, to clean your emotional bodies. It’s time to embody your spiritual truths. We are experiencing gigantic amounts of uncertainties. We are witnessing deaths of human life and the lives we had before this. Things are quite different now. Many folks aren’t working, and have lost their jobs. There are financial fears. Health fears. Anger. Hate that serves no one. Claustrophobic tendencies are rising. No one wants to feel out of control. But that’s also an illusion. You still have control of you.

This might be a while. So please get comfy with the discomfort and begin healing yourself. Allow yourself time to really dive into love while letting go of the experiences that no longer serve you.

You know all those folks who triggered you? Well you won’t be entertaining them for a while either. What a perfect way to distance yourself!

You know that job you hated so much? You won’t have it now. Take this time to reinvent yourself.

You know those things you wanted to do but had little free time? Look at that! Here you have it.

You remember all those times you said you wanted more time with your family? 💥 bam! Here it is.

You have the power to take this time and work on yourself. Get to know you. This virus puts things in perspective. You can choose love and compassion to go viral. You can forgive and let go.

If you are with your children all day I understand how trying it can be. This is all a learning curve and experience. And one in patience.

My heart goes out to all those out there putting themselves at risk for us. And to all the families struggling with losses…prayers to all.

I love you. Let’s raise each other from a distance through compassion, love, kindness, humor and understanding. There is so much good that’s waiting for us after this is over. We will be emotionally available to help the world come together like never before. We need each other now. I love you.

Our Infinite Connection

You are one freaking miracle consisting of millions of cells that exploded to create a universe in you. You are a world alone bumping and connecting with other worlds. Not for one moment think that your world is insignificant. You have been programmed to believe that you are small but you’re huge. You are infinite. You will continue to live even after you are no longer in this incarnation.

And guess what you are here to do?

You are here to love and learn and love some more. You are here to experience all aspects of humanness. This is not a test. It’s not suppose to be a gigantic struggle. You are suppose to rise and help create for others.

Every single event, challenge and obstacle is here to expand your consciousness. You are here to touch hearts and teach what compassion is. You get to do that through your examples and power. Do not give your power to another. Do not hand your magic to anyone. It’s yours! You hold on to it and make this world a better place. We are now remembering why we came. And it’s all about love, connections, forgiveness, expansion and grace. I love you.

What We Leave Behind

Tranquility

I used to think that it was important to leave something behind in life as a legacy for others to acknowledge my existence. For most of my life I kept journals, poetry books, albums and all sorts of pasted memory books documenting my journey here. Several years ago I stopped. I was losing myself in trying to leave a life behind while not being presently available now. I was tired of leaving a token of my existence for others to find. I decided I was going to touch more, love harder, and be present with those in my life.

What better legacy but time?

We are always trying to leave footprints behind for others to find. Sometime ago during a visit from one of my sons we were sitting around discussing legacies. He asked me what I would like to leave behind as a remembrance of my life.

I said, “My laughter. I want people to think of me and think that I was fun. I want to believe that I touched someone through my sense of humor.”

His eyes watered with that simple answer. He was expecting me to say something of greatness or about love. But, I believe that joy is the catalyst to other emotions. Joy and laughter open up love, empathy, compassion, and kindness.

What carries on after death?

The lessons, mistakes, triumphs, and achievements are not so much of importance in the past as they will be in the future. We take for granted what must be learned rather than learn what we take for granted because of worrying about the future. It is the present moment that emphasis must be placed upon in order to correct anything else in our path.

Legacies are moments. Moments consist of time.

Death is a state of consciousness. It is one of the many stages through the infinite. I witnessed this first hand in January of 2014 when I had a near death experience. At that moment of leaving the physical body I was not a bit concerned with my legacy. I didn’t think about the things I should have done. I didn’t ponder or cry about the things I didn’t get to do. My only thought was, “Where will this light take me? There’s nothing like this. There never was.”

We are here passing through: learning, accumulating, and exercising the greatness of our existence. There is no real secret to life. Perhaps…. That’s perhaps the secret! We all want to know that we’ve mattered. We have. I have. You have. We are here in this melting pot together making our way home. Every day I am gifted favorable circumstances. I get opportunities of love (giving and receiving), forgiveness (for mistakes and misunderstandings), learning (beyond my means), dreaming (manifesting all my desires), kindness, and compassion (without them I am not human) so that my spiritual, physical and emotional bodies can evolve into greatness.

This greatness is called life. Make each moment count with joy, surrendering abandonment for the past, miracles for the future, and appreciation for being present at all times. Laugh at the silliness, forgive the hurt, love those who you never thought you could. Allow these opportunities to map out the journey. You got this! No one else can do it for you. Create the greatest story of YOU!  That’s your legacy.

“Inside of all of us there is the need and the desire to be heard, to have our innermost thoughts, feelings and desires expressed for others to hear, to see and to understand. We all want to matter to someone, to leave a mark. Writers just take those thoughts, feelings and desires and express them in such a way that the reader not only reads them but feels them as well.” ~ Vicktor Alexander

Trust in the Process

Fear paralyzes us. It holds us captive and imprisons everything we know to be true. I read somewhere that without fear there is no courage. But when you are stricken by panic and despair it’s really difficult to see bravery.

The woman I am today has no clue how I lived in fear for so long. I just don’t know why I didn’t move forward and abandoned all the things that kept me hostage.

I didn’t know better. I didn’t know how. I felt the aches and pains of loneliness and responsibilities. Shame and guilt lived simultaneously drowning me. I couldn’t breathe. And one day softly within I heard the words, “Fear not! Fear is Forgiving Everything, Acknowledging Release.”

I turned my comfortable life upside down and then right side up. My family believed I lost my mind. And guess what? I did. I had to let go of the old me in order to transform into a new one.

I am who I am because of each story inside of me. Each single event led me here. I have courage, tenacity, perseverance, and a forgiving heart. Just like that I have learned to release. And, just like that I will continue to move forward.

Freedom is on the other side of thoughts. You cannot live in fear and truly trust. Fear is doubting the process. It has no trust. I have learned to shift my perception and thoughts. All the time. Every day. Some days it requires all of me to be present with deep breaths and trust the path.

Something magical happens in this midlife point of a woman’s life. Like you can’t stand the bullsh*t anymore. You won’t tolerate the excess noise of other people’s opinions or judgment. At least this is been true for me. And I guess that’s also part of feeling courageous.

May you always find the spark of courage that turns your darkness into sunlight. You are never alone in your struggles even when your Ego tells you otherwise. I believe the Divine speaks to us through sweet whispers if we are willing to listen with an open heart. Forgive and release all! It’s never worth the weight of carrying around on your shoulders something that serves of no purpose but to belittle you even more. Every single experience has brought you here to evolve.

Trust and let go. You are divine wisdom walking around and bumping into love. All day…every single day.