T is for Trust

traveling

Two friends and I sat yesterday afternoon briefly discussing what we were going to do after our retreat center sold. I get asked a lot about my future plans. “I don’t know” is the only answer I can give. I have no clue. It’s the first time in my life that I don’t have a plan that sets my future on gear. I do know what I don’t want. I can feel my body constrict and heart palpitations take place when I think of settling down again in a house and in one place. I can feel my breathing get erratic when I think about being stuck immediately after getting out of this huge responsibility. So, yes….the I-don’t-know answer is accurate but it’s rarely received well by others. People need certainty. People are conformed and programmed to know. To hear a 47 year-old woman say, “I have no clue” is somehow perceived as an irrational and insane behavior. Some would think I was going through a major midlife crisis.

One of my friends who has been traveling extensively the last few years shared his story. He sold everything and just returned to the states from Italy. He said to me, “T is for trust. Trust is a marvelous design. It will never do you wrong.” And, I have to know that it is. Until this moment I have always known what I needed and wanted and follow through with every expectation.

All of my life I have been stable and responsible in making sure everyone around me was taken care of and was lacking nothing. In the process I stopped asking what Millie wanted. Now in view that there is open fields ahead I have nothing but the idea to take some time and leave the premises. The baby is small enough that she adjusts to anything. Matt (my fiance) can work from any place as long as he has a computer at hand. When I shared with him a month ago that I just couldn’t settle he took a deep breath and said, “We can make this work. We can do whatever you want.”  It’s priceless to have a mate who supports your wishes and desires.  He is excited to trek new mountains, fish in new ponds, and backpack through forests.  I am beyond giddy to experience nature through my own senses rather than reading of others’ experiences. 

The things I know for certain are based on dreams. My middle name is America, after my paternal grandmother. I was destined to travel this country and see every part that has been in my little head all these years. I own the label and title. But, the what if’s seem to start lurking throughout the nights as we get closer to reaching the new stage of this journey. As we close one chapter and another opens I get those familiar doubts visit me in moments of restlessness. Then I remember one of the most amazing quotes from the movie Letters to Juliet: “What” and “If” are two words as non-threatening as words can be. But put them together side-by-side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life: What if? What if? What if? I don’t know how your story ended but if what you felt then was true love, then it’s never too late. If it was true then, why wouldn’t it be true now? You need only the courage to follow your heart.”

Follow your heart”…my spirit keeps echoing in moments of clarity when the world isn’t questioning my motifs. Follow my heart through intuitive guidance that lets me know I will make money writing and traveling (I don’t need to know right now how). Follow all that I know for certain: I cannot be caged like a broken-winged bird. It’s time to take flight and move through my dreams. I want to meet folks along the way and write their stories. I want to be touched spiritually by all that is out there. I have been an obedient student the past five years. It’s time. The voices answer through the nights, “Get through this stage of uncertainty and the world will open up with all the what if’s you have always questioned.”

I urge you to follow your authentic self, dreams, aspirations and childhood goals. Ask yourself what you want and work towards the urgency that screams inside. Don’t let the uncertainty or society tell you what you should do or not do. Go for it. Make it happen. My “I-don’t-know’s” aren’t really unknown. They lie inside with answers that I, alone, choose not to translate to others at this moment. And that’s magical! For the first time the not knowing is overshadowed by what I do know. I am well on the path to enchantment through the balance and alignment of mind, body and spirit. I am ready to begin living a life that is fulfilling to the little girl in me. I am ready to follow the what if’s and make them work for me….

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Make a Life

birthIn our society we are taught that success is measured by the things we’ve acquired.  The categories of “success” are based on education, money, materialism such as a house and a car, career labels, what and how you wear certain clothing, etc.  But, success goes deeper than the concrete evidence of such categories.  It truly cannot be measured by “things.”  It has an abstract definition that is based on accomplishments.  Who made materialistic things the success-o-meter?  When did the consumption of these things become the status for our happiness?

The question I keep asking myself since I was one of those folks with the big house, fancy cars and money in the bank for extra spending, is are you making a life or making a living?  Do you allow success to be measured by class and materialism?  Or, do you allow triumph to be that which brings you a peace of mind and who you are is not what you do?  Most people seem to be living based on what they do and labeling themselves to that class.  In our tough economic times, I’ve heard of stories of professionals who have lost their corporate jobs and now are cashiers in the nearest supermarket.  There is nothing wrong with that.  Unfortunately, for those individuals their definition of success is tarnished.

We’ve all heard that famous quote, “Do what you love and the money will follow” and “When you do what you are intended to be doing you never work a day in your life.”  That second one suits me perfectly.  I dropped out of the corporate world.  I’ve had guests who come to our retreat center and never speak with me during their stay. As I go about cleaning rooms, doing laundry and such, I could be a housekeeper or a maid to them.  I’ve had people (very few) treat me like if I was the bottom of the barrel.  You can tell a lot about a person’s character by the way they treat a person.  Humility goes a long way.   To those folks, I am nothing.  And yet, I am everything.  Each time I clean a room and make a bed, I send loving energies to the place for the next guest to feel the presence of peace.  I take pride in making sure toilets are spotless, showers are clean and all linens smell like a fresh mountain air.  Success is measured by the guests who enter as strangers and leave as friends.  Their returns bring us joy because each time we get to hear stories and witness Spirit working through them in mysterious ways.

Making a life brings joy, peace and a union with Divinity.  Making a living and placing all status and forms of success is temporarily.  You never know when things in life can change and your “status” will turn within moments.  If we travel down the path of this life consciously allowing for growth, through experiences and lessons, we can make a life.  Making a living is just that…you are making money to survive.  Don’t place your worth on what you have (or don’t have).  Place your worth on what you can give and receive from humanity.  You are the pilot of your life.  Success is measured by those moments that bring others into your space and light.  Look around and marvel at the people who surround you.  Are they bringing you down or lifting you up?  Are your children healthy and walking a path of joy without the pressures of society telling them they have to have a PhD. (which there is nothing wrong with having a doctoral.  It is a tremendous accomplishment but it shouldn’t define you)? Can you get out of bed each morning full of excitement to receive the day while doing what you love?

All the stress from economy, political agendas, religion and mass media is enough to bring anyone to a state of depression.  Start making a life for yourself.  Work because you must put food on the table but don’t let the job measure your triumph in this life.  As I am getting closer to ending this chapter of my life and not really knowing what is ahead for me, I am deleting the strains of over-thinking and putting a label to my career.  It’s freeing and sometimes frightening but it’s a way to truly live the moment.

Have a blessed and powerfully 4th of July weekend!

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Silent Voice Within

I listen to the silence
shortly overpowered by
thoughts. It stops. It moves.

It comes and goes without obstruction.
The quietude of nothingness
gets distorted. I stop.
I swallow in the memories
that prickle and pain me

without recognizing their origin.
The chaos of it stops me
from continuing
the serene path of joy

while packing, clearing,

moving on to the next stage of life.
I pause, not erasing it all
or stopping the forces
but allowing the tears
to trickle gently down…and out.
Each one takes a little suffering
and then it all disappears.
I can breathe again. It hurts
no more,
no less,
not anything. I am back to me
with a wet smile on my face
and the honoring and gratitude
from my spirit
that this too shall pass

once and forever

when I stop holding

betrayal even while forgiving;

self-criticism even while accepting;

and grant the gift of unconditional love

for me

for once…

for all.

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A Petition

 It is perhaps the cold wind

caressing

your skin,

chilling the spirit

as it warms your heart

in complete silence

but with an assurance

beyond the known

while few words can give gratitude

for the sky opening         clearly,

the rain falling            quickly,

 the world gently           finding

             stillness in a moment.

And in these words,

a prayer,

a petition of grace,

 is born

from the heart

                        guiding,

 completing,

a certainty

for all that cannot be seen

but felt from beyond.

It is then,

and only then,

that you feel

Divinity kiss you

in your spirit

in a way that love

was meant to be understood

and recognized.

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The Shape of Things

There’s room for you
All throughout my body:
My hands love yours
Pressed against each other;
My legs resting on your lap
Or locked into your skin;
My head nudged in your
Shoulder with hair draping
Upon you;
My ear listening attentively
To your armor pounding chest;
My lips tasting yours
Over and over
While finding your tongue
In search of my secrets;
My torso embraced by
All your tugs, pulls and kisses.
And yet, I am still empty
Waiting for more…
You are the shape of things,
A matter of containing
Everything good,
Sultry, intimate, and dreamy.
With you I am fully blossomed.
Without you I return to
The shape of a girl
Waiting to be loved
Like no other moment
In my history.

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You are not your “likes”

likr

We have been reprogrammed in this techie era to believe that our worth is based on “likes,” “stats,” “comments,” and “views.” But, we are not any of these things. People resonate with you because of how you act and react. They look at your examples…not your pictures or your words. Character is still the number one quality in a person by how you treat another. So NO you are not the amount of likes that shows up on the screen. The real “likes” come from inside.

I write because I must. I wouldn’t dare post all that I write. I write because it’s in my veins, the words make my heart jump with joy, and I need to get them down. I write because it’s a lifeline to my spiritual practice. I don’t write to impress, be accepted, or have an ego boosting. This is not part of the process when I sit with the laptop at 3AM on the sofa typing away in the dark as a muse cheers me on. Most of the time I have no clue what has transpired. I don’t have to. It’s my way of meditating, contemplating and creating from a place of divine wisdom.

So, when someone points out that I have an X amount of likes on a page…I gasp. I don’t know what that is or what it needs to be. I don’t care. I share my words because I understand that most of the people feel this sense of loneliness with their emotions. I share because it’s a connection between one soul and another. And, because of those connections I have made some lasting friendships that have pulled me out of many personal dark times. Writing has done that for me. It has introduced a world of like-minded folks who care. I love my underdogs, misfits, hippies, introverts, tree-huggers, and geeks. I can relate to the odd balls because I am eccentric. I don’t belong in a box. And this extension of letters, words, and sentences has allowed for me to interact with a world that needs inspiration. I need the inspiring words of another when I read their thoughts. I need to confirm that I am not crazy…that what I am feeling is part of the human experience.

Don’t sit and stare at a screen to see who pushes “like.” Don’t wait around to figure out if you are accepted. Screw it. Write because you got some incredible wittiness to share. Write because your love and humor can touch one person. Write because if you don’t a part of you withers and that’s a death I avoid. Write because you have something your soul needs to share. It doesn’t matter if it’s liked or not. I think when we come from a space of love and truth everyone understands. It’s a place of authentic power. And those words empower another.

Thank you for the constant love and support. I appreciate all the wonderful thoughts. But, my friends, worth is not determined by how many folks stop by your page, your blog, or your articles. Worth is determined by how YOU live and see your own existence. If at the end of the day when you place your little head on a pillow you can answer “yes” to these questions you have lived a powerful life: Did I love myself to the full capacity? Did I make someone smile? Did I raise the vibration to those around me with a bit of joy? Did I do good today? Did I love wholeheartedly? Am I safe?

We are in this technology time together. Let’s use it to raise consciousness with good. Let’s utilize the magnitude of connection to a loving awareness that brings us to a place of pure divinity. Have a great day!

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Life Happening Here

holding hands

Be soft with your spirit. Be gentle with your essence. BE authentic to your purpose and calling. Rid yourself from the negative self-talk. You become everything you say that you are or that you are not. We are born every day, every minute, every second. We are here on borrowed time. Make it lovingly serene with your heart so that you can present your soul lovingly to another. This struggle is all bullshit at the end of the day. It doesn’t matter what you did or haven’t done. This moment, wasted reading this, or contemplating what hasn’t been scratched off your To Do List, is all irrelevant. Really…this is nonsense. Me writing this is nonsense as well.

Yesterday I sat in a waiting room for just a little while holding a friend in space as her dad was having major surgery.  I wouldn’t have been any other place but right there with her in those moments.  This woman is a strong soul. Even strong souls need someone to lean on when moving through hard times.  The doctor did not provide hopeful news.  I drove home feeling an ache that surprised me.  Tears came up and out as I hit the interstate. My heart was opened so widely for her and her father that I had to pull to the side median to release the uncontrollable sorrow. I had spoken to him a few days before surgery and I knew he didn’t want to go through it.  His gut was speaking. Our time here is so fragile.  It’s daunting that these moments become everything as the superficial crap starts to fall away in the distance.   As I composed myself to keep driving I said a prayer and surrendered to the unknown.  This was not about me…but with compassion it was moving through me. I love these two souls dearly.

There are folks losing their jobs, their homes, and families.  There are others sitting alone in a hospital room watching a loved one fight for their lives. While some others are in the petty claws of political and religious arguments on social media….life is happening out there.  Life is happening in here.  Life is a series of ongoing movements and motions reminding us that we get to pick the perception and reaction. I don’t know why bad things happen.  I don’t know why anything happens.  I would like to believe it’s for the evolution of our higher self. I would like to believe it’s part of a larger design.  Who truly knows at this point?  I have to be led by faith and that onset programming of a higher body of spirit guiding me.

What I do know is that we need one another. We need a tribe. We need love.  We need to know that we aren’t alone in the path of obstacles and challenges. We need to get out of our own head space and truly feel the vibration of another who is part of the overall conscious mass.

Hold a friend’s hand in need. Hug your lover as if it was the last time. Kiss those kids tightly. Smile at a stranger. Open doors for an elderly person. Compliment a cashier. Delete the toxic folks out of your life. If they don’t raise you then they have taught you something. It’s time to move on. Use your energy wisely. My God, just get out of your head and lovingly give to another who needs to feel that the illusion of loneliness is not drowning their existence. It matters. It all matters to that one human who is struggling with life. Stop the craziness of self doubt and anxiety because there is no way you leave this life alive. So…live for yourself with honor, love, and compassion. You don’t own this blue planet alone. I am here. You are here. Let’s be here together in peace and harmony. We got this!

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